27

Slices Of Life

Many successful and classy bloggers give alot of themselves. Whereas I just give alot of crumpet. Some of the more affecting bloggers provide a window to their lives and invite everyone to peer in. Normally I find peering at crumpets more interesting but I’ve decided to experiment with a change of pace. I’m going to make like a “normal” blogger and give you some slices from my life.

This is how pretty much every day begins. I enjoy a ration of 10 minutes of blissful alone time whilst I trot down to the beach to get a “real” coffee. Seeing the sun come up over the ocean is merely a bonus.

There are many crumpets out training at this time of day.

There are many crumpets out training at this time of day.

Its all down hill from this point onwards.

Its all down hill from this point onwards.

Back at home I have

hibiscus.

hibiscus.

and basil out the wazoo.

Its faulty. (Hands up who got that very poor TV pun)

Its faulty. (Hands up who got that terrible TV pun)

I’ve mentioned the out of control bougainvillea in previous posts. Dadabulous finds it therapeutic to hack at it with a lethal looking hedger trimmer. He tells me he is training for the zombie apocalypse. I could take this as a sign that my husband has a) played too many computer games and b) watched to many episodes of The Walking Dead. Instead I choose to take comfort in the fact that he is skilling up for the inevitable zombie Armageddon. It helps me rest easier at night.

Bougainvillea for Dadabs to hack at.

Bougainvillea for Dadabs to hack at.

Lamest excuse ever to post a pic of Andrew Lincoln. But who needs an excuse - he is a crumpet.

Lamest excuse ever to post a pic of Andrew Lincoln. But who needs an excuse – he is a crumpet.

Here’s something I never thought I’d have. A pine.

No not Chris Pine.

No not Chris Pine.

 

An actual pine tree.

An actual pine tree.

I can see how you got confused there. Both are quite wooden. Still I wouldn’t remove either from the yard.

Do you ever do this – convert Sunday night’s roast into a curry with the help of a tin of coconut milk? I am turning into my mother,  your mother

and everybody else's freakin' mother.

and everybody else’s freakin’ mother.

Meanwhile I bake much but  I don’t like to talk about it.

Lets keep this quiet.

Lets keep this quiet.

Its my dirty secret.

Its my dirty secret.

Dadabulous recently acquired new office space in the middle of Hipsterville central. He immediately set about funkifying it. It was not enough that he built the board room table with his bare hands, he created a post modern art work to go with it.

Its a homage to the buildings industrial heritage.

Its a homage to the buildings industrial heritage.

I know you are wondering if the chains came from our own personal collection and whether the whips are missing them. You’ll be disappointed (or perhaps relieved) to hear that they were sourced from Ebay.

Step around the corner and you’ll encounter this. Its the definitive sign that you’ve landed on planet Software Developer. Yes really – my husband has an inflatable dalek in his office.

Our Dalek is looking a tad flaccid.

Our Dalek is looking a tad flaccid.

The inner city suburb where we work really should be renamed Funky Town. In stark contrast to the buttoned up world of stockbroking there is nary a suit to be seen. They are worn only by those foot soldiers of Satan aka real estate agents who can be spotted patrolling the joint. Otherwise pretty young things prance about in leather hot pants and Doc Martens – and that’s just the blokes!!!!!!! No seriously – I have never seen so many skinny jeans, hipster beards and thick rimmed glasses concentrated in such a small area. I luff it (to shamelessly borrow from another blogger who actually has some style).

Like the Gen Y’s I am getting in on the shorts as work wear action. Clearly I have an under supply of shame.

What to wear to work when your office is in Funky Town.

What to wear to work when your office is in Funky Town.

Meanwhile you know you’re in Funky Town central when its not a cafe – it’s a caffeine lab. I love what these people do in a test tube.

lab medI’ve given you gardening, fashion, a sunrise, baking, crumpets, another fine example of Dadabulous’ wood and a blow up toy. What more could you want in a blog?

Hows your life looking these days?

Happy Easter

Mumabulous

PS: Congratulations to all those who rated in the Kidspot Village Voices. I’m not jealous, peeved or miffed in any way to have been completely overlooked this year. :-(

 

 

36

First World Issues

Is your life beset with very minor inconveniences which could best be described as “first world issues”? Welcome to Chez Abulous. I’ll show you mine.

To begin with I am peeved that Barbie’s car is significantly hawter than mine.

Hawter than a Mazda 2?

Hawter than a Mazda 2?

I have a walk in wardrobe. Yay! High fives all round. But all too regularly I can’t find my stuff in it.

Items of clothing disappear into this vortex

Items of clothing disappear into this vortex

Clearly I don’t have enough shoes.

there are still some empty pigeon holes.

there are still some empty pigeon holes.

If you have daughters your house is likely to be absolutely riddled with these things in every possible color, pattern and permutation. They appear in the most unlikely of places – under cushions, in the vacuum tube, behind the toilet, in the back of the fridge. Perhaps you’ve even taken to accessorizing your gym gear with them yourself. The glittery pink numbers are particularly fetching when teamed with lycra. Unfortunately you can never find one when your Year 1 girl is screaming for you to put her hair in pigtails and you have five minutes to get out the door.

Elastics are breeding!

Elastics are breeding!.

I’m not entirely sure what a wazoo is but I do know I’ve got bougainvilleas coming out of mine.

Its like Night Of The Living Dead.

Its like Night Of The Living Dead.

I have lost my exercise mojo and ergo I am feeling extremely nawt hawt.

This is motivating me to do several sets of middle finger lifts.

This is motivating me to do several sets of middle finger lifts.

Luckily my mojo for calorific treats is unaffected but my health conscious husband insists on buying unsalted nuts. I have to salt them myself.

Salting Dadabs nuts.

Salting Dadabs nuts.

Meanwhile some lazy sods simply could not be arsed scrambling their own eggs with a fork.

Prescrambled eggs. Now I have seen it all.

Prescrambled eggs. Now I have seen it all.

I may have given you all the impression that Fassbender is my greatest love but the truth of the matter is that it’s chocolate. If pure bliss could be condensed down into a square inch like a neutron star it would be this stuff.

chocolate honeycomb!!!!!!

chocolate honeycomb!!!!!!

It HAS to be Violet Crumble. Nothing else will do. This Crunchie shite is a poor impostor. Do you think I can find Violet Crumble at my local Colesworths? There are rows of floor to ceiling confection but nary a Violet Crumble in sight.

What's wrong with this picture?

What’s wrong with this picture?

Did the Violet Crumble go the way of the Polly Waffle and the candy cigarettes? I believe that the current scarcity of Violet Crumble is unAustralian and that Tony Abbott should do something about it. Bring back the VC with the Knighthoods TA!

Bryan Ferry was a Slave to Love.

That'll kick start your mojo.

That’ll kick start your mojo.

Sadly, I by contrast am a slave to a four year old. However I don’t think that is strictly a first world problem. It’s universal.

When she says "bake" we bake.

When she says “bake” we bake.

In truth, like Bryan I am a Slave to Love because I do love my golden haired girls.

What are your first world issues?

Love

Mumabulous

 

 

24

Wired

Whilst stuck in peak hour traffic I spied this on the side of a Sydney bus.

It was the ultimate irony.

It was the ultimate irony.

I remarked to Dadabulous “Oh look – there’s that guy from Breaking Bad”. At the time I neglected to mention that  Aaron Paul was looking rather fetching with his designer stubble and rock star leather jacket. ( I thought I’d save that observation for you guys).  Dadabs eyes widened “Oh yeah it is too and check the Bugatti!” This very simple exchange pretty much sums up the difference in how we see the world. I swear Scarlet Johanssen could have been writhing in a bikini on that movie poster but Dadabs would still be “checking the Bugatti”. He’s more interested in the actual machinery than the piece of crumpet driving it. The converse is true for me. I’m more like “Oh look a hunk in some kind of a car”.

“Didn’t James May beat a speed record in a Bugatti?” I added trying to make Bugatti related conversation. Some might accuse me of suffering from taste bud/rectal inversion syndrome but I after 20 seasons of Top Gear I still have a spot for James May – and its soft. Dadabs merely went on to regale me with factoids about how many Bugattis are produced every year and how fast they can actually go because that is how he is wired.

Eye candy for Dadabs

Eye candy for Dadabs

 

and lovely James for me.

and lovely James for me.

Nowhere is the difference in our thinking more apparent than in our choice of viewing. When he’s not engrossed in the latest “conquer the known universe” type computer game or tinkering in the garage with his wood he can be found glued to the digital TV station 7 mate. He is into those super mega, hugemongus engineering project type shows which I dont mind as I love engineers. (When it comes to hats on men I like em hard ). On the other hand I catch him chuckling at programs which show case human stupidity at its most extreme eg: “Tattoo nightmares”, “Hardcore Pawn” and in a similar (ahem) vein “Pawn Stars”.

The other night I wandered into our TV/play room to be greeted with “I’ve just started watching Jackass. I can rewind it back to the beginning for you if you like”. I cant tell you how thrilled I was.  I want to watch Jackass about as much as he wants to sit through the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice again or anything featuring Dame Judi Dench (other than Bond).

Dame Judi rocks my socks but not Dadabs

Dame Judi rocks my socks but not Dadabs

Meanwhile this is just awesome!

Meanwhile this is just awesome! Every lake needs one.

I marvel at how my highly intelligent and creative husband can be reduced to a quivering puddle of laughter by the antics of Johnny Knoxville and his troupe of overgrown 12 year olds. There’s only so much I can take of these dudes whacking (and in one case electrocuting) each other in the testicles.  Admittedly I did titter at their coke and mentos shenanigans but when the bodily fluids started flowing it was time for me to exit.

Jackass - the ultimate in hilarity

Jackass – slapstick at its most extreme.

OK - I laughed at this.

Coke and mentos a classic recipe for hilarity.

Remembering significant dates is not Dadabs strong suite. Last week I quizzed Dadabs as I edged towards the fridge calender “Guess what is coming up soon?”.  He answered all to quickly and all to enthusiastically. “The council clean-up”.  “No, our 6th wedding anniversary” I shot back sternly. “Really I am more concerned about the council clean up”.  Apparently he is not one for sweeping romantic gestures on those significant dates. To his credit he dug deep. He arranged a baby sitter and celebrated with  Kir Royal (which is a fancy French way of saying champagne with Ribena) and a very satisfying Thai meal with some good friends. I cant complain. I am also happy to report that we got rid of a huge amount crap at Council cleanup – specifically five dead hard drives.

Council clean up - a significant event for Dadabs.

Council clean up – a significant event for Dadabs.

So happy anniversary Dadabs! I love you just as you are – a red headed tech/entrepreneurial whiz with six pack abs who also happens to be handy with a screwdriver. I think I can tolerate a bit of Jackass for that.

How is your partner wired?

Mumabulous

 

34

Postcards (& Other Randoms)

If I were Yoda I would say things like

yoda med

You have to imagine me doing the voice.

Yup – this really is me.

football meme med

World’s second most over used meme.

I’m not even interested in it from a crumpet perspective. I prefer men with necks and unsmushed faces. Moreover although I have absolutely no problem with brawn its brains I covet. For me when it comes to equations

Oh my Prof Brian.

size matters. Oh my! Prof Brian. (Potentially a new meme)

If you are one of the thousands of footie fans out there I really don’t mean to “dis” your passion. Nor do I mean to imply that anyone who plays league is unintelligent, although getting thwacked around the head every weekend can’t be good for you. Let me explain my position. I was born and bred in Sydney’s Sutherland Shire which means a rusted on allegiance to the Cronulla sharks. Mention this to anyone outside the insular peninsula and their reaction is inevitably

A Sharks fan? Fecking hilarious.

“A Sharks fan? Fecking hilarious!”

To the district’s eternal shame the “mighty” Sharks have never won a premiership, are cursed by a “finals hoodoo” and have an uncanny knack of “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.”  They actually reached the grand final in 1978. I remember it clearly as it was a momentous occasion for my family and possibly the high light of my father’s life. Naturally we were crushed by the Manly sea eagles.

Nowadays Sharkies fans commiserate by circulating this sort of thing around social media.

sharks med

and

Cronulla meme med

As I have since escaped to the light side of the Georges River I could deny my past and start supporting the local team – the Eastern Suburbs Roosters. Yet my “Shireness” runs deep. I feel as though loyalty to the Sharks has been branded upon my very soul.

one-does-not-simply-med

World’s most over used meme.

Its far far easier to feign complete disinterest. I’ve since reached a point where the disinterest is no longer feigned.

Postcards

If you are part of the vast Australian middle class, you have probably spent many a child hood holiday in budget accommodation up and down our coastline. You are more than likely all too familiar with the local gift store and its plethora of tacky souveniers. Among the piles of shell jewellery

shell necklace med

and the ubiquitous kangaroo scrotum

and the ubiquitous kangaroo scrotums

chances are you’ve encountered this fair dinkum Aussie bloke

with remarkably well toned buttocks.

with remarkably well toned buttocks.

I swear I have seen him at every seaside location I have ever visited in this country. He really gets around. What’s more he’s been baring those gluts for donkey’s years. Admittedly this guy is always grossly out numbered by cards featuring scantily clad Aussie sheilas but we’re not interested in that.  The dude’s broad brim hat demonstrates a sensible approach to sun protection. I’m sure he remembers to slip, slop, slap – which would be an interesting event to witness.  Meanwhile this adorable little fellow doesn’t need to given that his sun screen is built in and soft to touch.  All Aussies know that koalas can really shred the tube.

A ridgy didge Aussie gromit.

A ridgy didge Aussie gromit.

This stuff really brings out the poet in me.

I love a sunburnt country

A land of naked rears

Of  random surfing koalas

And roos chugging cold beers.

roo med

Are you a rusted on sports fan? What are your favorite kitschy souveniers? And which memes are you completely over?

Love

Mumabulous

I'm bringing out all the classics today.

I’m bringing out all the classics today.

36

Your Inner Voice

 Freedom

I’ve just submitted my final TAFE assignment and I’ve got one more exam to go before the whole thing is done and dusted. I can almost taste the freedom. It’s so very, very sweet like sunshine and lolly pops.

What freedom tastes like.

What freedom tastes like.

I can’t tell you how motivated I currently am to kick on with my career. I really can’t. In fact I am positively chomping at the bit to throw on a bejewelled kaftan (a tent of magnificence ) and swan about like a professional in a variety of exotic locations. Palawa Island in the Philippines is a good enough place to start. Oh my this is some titillating travel porn.

This works for me.

This works for me.

This too.

This too.

I'm so excited and I just cant hide it.

I’m so excited and I just cant hide it.

Hold on a minute… Didn’t last week’s post also feature a stunning South East Asian island destination? Is this blog becoming repetitive?

Thanks Fass. Have I ever told you that you are HAWT?

Thanks Fass. How unusual to see you here and OMG you are still HAWT!!

Your Inner Voice

Now I’m going to veer off on a totally random tangent. It is said that the key to self love and hence happiness is changing your inner voice. Its an interesting concept. I am fed up with my nasally Shire girl whine*. I would much rather my inner dialogue took on the soothing tones of

Benedict Crumpet-batch

Benedict Crumpet-batch

Not to be confused with a batch of crumpets.

Not to be confused with a batch of crumpets.

The really awesome thing about this is that as it is my internal voice I get to write the script. This means the Crumpet-batch says lines like ” Hand me a microscope because girl your butt looks miniscule in those khaki shorts” and “I demand to see your birth certificate because there is no way you look 43″. He’s such a talented actor always gives an Oscar worthy performance. It is convincing enough to have me doing my own rendition of Summer Nights.

Well-a well-a well-a, huh. Tell me more, Tell me more.

Well-a well-a well-a, huh. Tell me more, Tell me more.

And so he tells me more. Things like – “Hey girl – I saw these in the supermarket and I just couldn’t resist getting them because they remind me of you. I can’t wait to try it out when I do the next load of washing”.

Small but mighty - is really putting a positive spin on it.

Small & mighty – is really putting a positive spin on it.

And ” I got this as well because

I'm so ready for your jelly".

I’m so ready for your jelly”.

Oh my – I can feel my self esteem swelling by the minute.

Do you ever indulge in travel porn?

Who would you like your inner voice to sound like?

Love

Mumabulous

* For those of you who are unaware of my shame – Dadabs and I were born and breed in Sydney’s Sutherland shire but didn’t meet until we were in our mid thirties and living in the inner city.

PS: My apologies to Melbourne Mum who is the biggest Crumpet-batcher in our blogging community (We’ve been disallowed from calling Benedict fans “Cumberbitches”-(http://melbournemum.com/2014/02/18/the-retort-files-cumberbitches/ ). Its only his voice I want – I swear.

22

Shock, Horror!

Those Shocking Backpackers!

Recently there has been much shrill commentary in our local rag, The Wentworth Courier (aka The Wentie), about the disgraceful behaviour of backpackers. They really are the scourge of the Eastern beaches. How dare young people come to our wide brown land and enjoy themselves especially when their Wicked Campervans are taking coveted water side parking spaces.

Darn foreigners are taking our parking spots!

Darn foreigners are taking our parking spots!

Really –  viewing Wolf Creeks 1 & 2 should be a mandatory condition of getting a working holiday Visa in this country.

If Wolf Creek doesn't deter them nothing will.

If Wolf Creek doesn’t deter them nothing will.

The latest outrage occurred at our local tennis club when a group of young visitors took to the court naked. Shock! Horror! The club happens to be in a well lit thoroughfare so high fives all round. Personally I am disgusted. I mean why was I informed after the event? I would have happily volunteered to officiate the match because Gen Y needs rules, structure and guidance. On the other hand they can do without clothes.

Like this - only they were naked.

Like this – only they were naked.

Had I been there I would have declared every serve an Ace and the score to be Luv all. HONK!!!!!!!!!!!  I will refrain from making comments about pairs of furry balls because I am not that uncouth.

A visual metaphor

A visual metaphor

I demand a re-match with plenty of prior notification on social media. Meanwhile backpackers carry on, carry on!

Fantasy Getaway

Sometimes I find myself feeling disenchanted with my lot in life. Spending time at home with a four year old can do that to a person even if you have the world’s coolest four year old (as P2 is). To lift my spirits I have taken to looking at travel porn and recently discovered this in the Sydney Morning Herald.

Its not been photoshopped - it really is a pink beach!

Its not been photoshopped – the sand is really pink.

Its a pink beach on Komodo Island Indonesia, one of only seven in the world. The sand appears pink because it is littered with the shells of creatures called Foraminifera. If a pink beach is not remarkable enough for you, these guys can often be found strolling along it.

Komodo dragons - worlds largest lizard.

Komodo dragons – worlds largest lizard.

A pink beach criss crossed by dragons. It sounds like a truly mystical experience like something from a fantasy novel. All I know is I want to go – get me a plane ticket right now!

I could camp out in one of these.

I could camp out in one of these.

A crafty husband

Dadabulous has been playing with his wood again. He needed to furnish the new office but couldn’t find a board room table that he liked. Naturally he built one from scratch as you do. I swear if the guy ever needed a satellite he’d source the components on Ebay, cobble the thing together in our garage and launch it from the back yard.

if you build it they will come.

if you build it they will come.

So he built it.

Dadabs works magic with his wood.

Have you ever played nude tennis? Would you admit to it if you had?

Love

Mumabulous

Here’s that pink beach again.

Amazing.

Oh my!

And here’s Paul Bettany again.

Oh my.

Oh my!

25

Out Of Control

Normally I go about my daily business unconcerned about the reportage in the tattle rags but this headline gave me great cause for alarm.

Omigawd! Be alarmed!

Omigawd! Be alarmed!

Oh My!  KK’s butt is “out of control”. Does that mean KK’s famous derrière is a major threat to society? Has it morphed from a weapon of mass seduction into one of mass destruction? All I know is I’m worried.

This story conjures up the scenario deftly described in Andy Griffiths’ apocalyptic Bummageddon trilogy. The series starts with The Day My Mum Went Psycho – which is what KK’s appears to be doing right now! In the books twelve year old Zac Freeman is discombobulated (discom-BUM-ulated?) when his rear end keeps detaching itself and running away.  When he follows it one night he uncovers a global conspiracy (conspir-ASS-y?) of bottoms. The bums of the world are planning to render all of mankind unconscious by creating a planet wide fart. We can only hope for humanity’s sake that this is NOT what KK’s posterior has in mind.

KK's autobiography?

KK’s autobiography?

Meanwhile the Bummageddon series should be made into a movie franchise. It is hilarious (or as my father would say “a hairy ass”) and could turn KK into a major film star (because currently we are just not seeing enough of her ). Perhaps Miley Cyrus could co star as her rear end is not backward in coming forward. What are you waiting for Disney?

Miley comes forward backwards.

Miley comes forward backwards.

Speaking of bums – here is a well toned and bedazzled set.

Nice segue eh?

Nice segue eh?

I have not yet watched The Real Housewives of Melbourne or RHOM as it is affectionately known. However it has already taught me a thing or two. Firstly it has turned my preconceived ideas about Melbourne upside down. I apologize in advance to any Melbournites who may be reading for the gratuitous use of stereotypes. I thought that Melbourne prided itself of being a bastion of good taste, refinement and understated elegance unlike brash Sydney which has a harbor and beaches to compensate for it’s lack of couth. There’s nothing understated about the RHOM posse.

RHOM has also shown me what’s missing from my humble eastern beaches existence – SEQUINS and BLING. I probably should have learned this from the uber blog Faux Fuschia but there’s six real housewives so the message is amplified.  By contrast my life looks like this.

Real housewives of the eastern beaches.

Real housewives of the eastern beaches?

I wake up too late, throw a rumbled pair of khaki shorts over the Best and Less underwear I’ve slept in and do the school run before showering. Thankfully I have a hat and sunglasses to preserve my dignity. Being the eastern beaches everybody else manages to look effortlessly chic whilst doing the same thing. The real Real Housewives of the Eastern Beaches could be a blog piece in itself.

If RHOM is anything to go by its not only sartorial razzle dazzle that I lack.

One pair of angel wings - hunks included.

One pair of angel wings – hunks included.

I need to get me a set of angel wings and a pair of dark swarthy hunks to affix them. One hunk per wing is a pretty good ratio as far as I am concerned.

Finally in an argument which should be filed under “first world issues” Dadabs has forbade me from doing botox even though I am so ready for it. He views it as a vacuous and  narcissistic pursuit and believes inner beauty is far more important. ( He even says he doesnt care if I put on weight – bless him!). However for all his politically correct talk I suspect this is the real reason.

Dadabs would rather look at wrinkles.

Dadabs would rather look at wrinkles.

Have you watched the RHOM?

Do you share my concerns about KK’s renegade butt?

Love

Mumabulous

PS: I promise to raise the tone next week as I dont think I could go much lower.

Meanwhile – Richard Roxburgh! Nuff said.

RR med