5

Heroic

Disclaimer: This post will be politically incorrect and tongue in cheek. If you can not handle political incorrectness and tongues in cheeks click away now.

You probably don’t know this and I doubt that you care very much but the geek community is currently all a lather. “Why?”  I hear about three of you ask. The Marvel comic empire has recast Captain America as man of colour. The African American actor Anthony Mackie is about to don the red, white and blue spandex.

And I for one have no problem with that.

And I for one have no problem with that.

Resistance from the nerd herd isn’t based on race for geekiness embraces all colours and creeds. Rather the noise is coming from purists who object to iconic characters being messed with. Why not invent new kick ass superheroes to represent ethnic diversity on the screen?

Plans are afoot to reintroduce Thor as a woman. In the eyes of many (including myself) this is taking political correctness a step too far. If it’s a nod to feminism it’s misguided. In fact I would stress that its detrimental to women (especially middle aged housewives) as it is depriving them of a perve.

Thor - the only reason many middle aged couples can agree on a date night movie.

Hemsworth – the only reason many middle aged couples can agree on a date night movie.

Meanwhile woe betide Stan Lee if he dares to turn my favorite villainous crumpets Magneto and Loki into chix! There’d be rioting in the streets (well a one woman protest ) if female kind are denied that action.

As I have stressed before, I am a feminist. I DO want to see women get equal billing when it comes to saving the world from the multitude of supernatural, alien and mad scientific threats that it constantly faces. The way forward is to add new female superheroes to the stable. If feminism is to be truly vindicated these new super butt kicking sheilas should have realistic bodily proportions and be aged over 35.

With this in mind I would like to pitch a fresh heroine to Marvel Studios - The Wicked Cougar.

An extremely rough artistic impression.

An extremely rough artistic impression.

By day the Wicked Cougar is a mild mannered middle aged mother. She may or may not live in the Eastern Beaches, do a bit of bookkeeping and have an uproariously funny blog. By night she transforms into a bad guy hunting machine and is at her most devastating when the bad guys just happen to be young and hunky.

Her arsenal consists of magic bullets containing a potent mix of cheap botox and nasty sparkling wine which render evil doers both immobile and insensible. Nevertheless her strategy of choice is scaring the bejeepers out of her prey with inappropriate cheesy come-ons.

Like this one.

Like this one.

And

See the fear in his eyes!

See the fear in his eyes!

The best mode of transport for the Wicked Cougar would be a Wicked campervan with an offensive misandrist slogans on it such as

“A hard man is good to find”

or

“A man in the hand is worth two in the bush”*

Alas thanks to the power of social media that is no longer an option. I’m going with a gleaming white Porsche SUV that no one suspects of ever going off road let alone on a hawt villain chase.

My first choice of transportation.

My first choice of transportation.

Being the magnanimous sort that I am happy to volunteer my self to play the leading role.  Wearing skin tight leopard print spandex and kicking butt along side the likes of Hugh Jackman (or rather drinking G&Ts in our trailers whilst our body doubles kick butt) is an arduous task but like scrubbing the loos someone has to do it. Having said that in recent weeks I’ve found myself outclassed on every level by Jacqui Lambie.  I thought I was the consummate dirty old woman but after Jacqui’s recent radio comments I’ve accepted that I’ve got a long way to go.

First up to the casting couch.

First up to the casting couch.

When it comes to channeling the spirit of the Wicked Cougar Jacqui is a hands down winner. I nominate her to take up the leopard skin print mask. Well endowed and cashed up villains consider yourselves warned! Jacqui cant wait to get her claws into you. Rioooooooow!

In the extremely unlikely event that the folks at Marvel reject this proposal I intend to go down the crowd funding route in order to bring my vision to the big screen. I’m not content with just one feature film mind you – I’m totally thinking about the franchise. I’ll start with a trilogy.

1) Claws – Wicked Cougar Origins

2) The Eye of The Cougar

3) Carry On Cougar.

What say you blog fans? Would you support a dirty old lady as a super hero?

Heroically yours

Mumabulous

* We have the fabulous Mae West to thank for those gems.

8

I’ll Show You Mine

So the the lovely Em at Have a Laugh On Me and the fabulous Kirsten and Kirsten and Co have shown us theirs. Handbags that is. I invite you to go and judge these ladies by the contents of their carry alls  –  here http://havealaughonme.com/2014/07/24/behold-the-contents-of-my-handbag/  and here http://kirstenandco.com/whats-in-your-handbag/.

As my favorite fearless blog-panions* have bared all its time for me to show you mine as it were. Drumroll please.

Here is my handbag.

Release your inner serpent!

Release your inner serpent!

I chose the faux snake skin because it represents my animal spirit – a sinful serpent. Ssssssssssssssssss!  Not really – I chose it because it was cheap and I have been known to be a tight wad. More importantly the black and grey colour scheme accessorizes perfectly with grime.

Keeping with the snake metaphor (because I am enjoying it so much), let’s shed a layer of skin. Here is what lies beneath.

Its what's on the inside that counts.

Its what’s on the inside that counts.

 

 Not one but two pairs of garish sunglasses – because as I always say Variety is a Spice Girl. If I’m in work mode I go for the conservative beige pair. If I am feeling just a little cheeky however I will don the bright pink number in order to guarantee maximum clash with my outfit.

Not one but two pink hair ties – which coordinate spectacularly with the sunglasses. Fashion bloggers everywhere should be trembling at their keyboards.

Not one but two pens – you never know when a hunk is going to ask you for a pen hopefully to take down your phone number. Sorry you caught me day dreaming again. Nowadays I give out phone numbers for the purposes of play dates rather than hawt dates.

Wallet - Because money talks and it says “Make mine a large skinny cappuccino please”.

Coinage – Which has staged a mass breakout from the confines of my wallet.

Cards –  These appear to have teamed up with the shrappa and escaped my wallet.

Bus ticket - Dadabs office is located in FunkyTown where the hills are alive with the sound of parking meters. Besides bus travel gives me ample time to consume social media through my phone. I dont do nearly enough of that otherwise.

Comb and lipstick – A rare concession towards good grooming.

Gym tag and locker key – Like my good self these items haven’t seen much action lately.

Kleenex Clean an Fresh Wipes – Because spills happen. You can be certain that the most disastrous spills (I’m talking chocolate milkshake and on white T shirt ) will occur when you haven’t got these babies with you. Its a predictable as the sun rising in Sydney’s East and shining all day out of the East’s collective derriere.

Miscellaneous receipts –  which really need to go into the recycling but I’ve been slack.

Keys – God have mercy on my soul if these ever go missing again because Dadabs surely wont.

I trust you’ve been titilated by my big reveal. Why dont you show us yours?

Love

Mumabulous

 

 

 

 

 

 

* A term I just invented meaning people you’ve become friendly with through blogging if not IRL.

 

35

Scary Age

In just two short months I will be turning 44. It brings to mind an episode of the that much cited sociological documentary Sex And The City where the Miranda character declares 44 to be her “scary age”. By that she meant it was the age where it was “all over Red Rover”. If one hadn’t gotten themselves hitched and sprogged up by then it was never going to happen. Luckily for both Miranda and myself we impregnated and married (in that order) in our late thirties – just before hells gate slammed shut trapping us in the eternal damnation of spinsterhood.

Now that the ominous double fours are approaching it doesn’t feel so scary. I’m not monstrous to behold. My capri pants from over ten years ago still fit and I feel more or less the same as I did when I originally purchased them. (from Petites in DJs – because I am a short ass)  In my own mind I am perennially in my early 30s. Sadly every now and then I catch a glance in the mirror and get a mighty shock. Middle age is the new black in Chez Abulous (just as long as you don’t wear the black too close to your face because its aging).

Fortunately for me and the pre-menopausal sisterhood, the font of cultural wisdom that is Esquire Magazine has decreed that sleeping with a woman over 40 is now acceptable. Hooray!

http://www.dailylife.com.au/dl-people/dl-entertainment/esquire-writer-bravely-deems-42yearold-women-fckable-20140711-3br2f.html

The article points to Hollywood A-listers like Cameron Diaz, Sofia Vergara, Leslie Mann and Amy Poehler to support the argument. Fair point – most straight males above puberty would not kick these ladies out. Thanks Esquire for establishing that its hawt to be over 40 as long as you don’t look like you are.

It seems to me that in the past once a woman reached a “certain age” she was let of the hook aesthetically speaking. Now the expectation that we will remain hawter for longer is unrelenting. Of course we are smart women. We understand the futility of comparing ourselves to models and actresses at any age. Nevertheless the pressure to conform to cultural standards seeps in almost like osmosis.

Back in 1967 Anne Bancroft played the original cougar Mrs Robinson in the movie The Graduate. She was only 36 – but was thought of as an “older woman”* . The legendary Ava Gardner was rejected for the role. At age 45 she was considered geriatric.

Anne Bancroft the face of middle age in 1967

Anne Bancroft the face of middle age in 1967

By contrast in 2014 Jennifer Aniston is the face of 45.

Just an Eastern Beaches mum on the school run.

Just an Eastern Beaches mum on the school run.

Even more alarmingly Jen’s friend Courtney Cox is the new face of 50. Bloody Hell! Of course there’s airbrushing, botox, personal training, more botox and more airbrushing involved but still – Bloody Hell.

My middle aged friend.

My middle aged friend.

If Jen and Courtney are not painful enough here’s the new poster girl for 73 – Raquel Welch.

Now that's what I call a cougar!

Now that’s what I call a cougar!

Its making me lose to the will to live. I may as well dunk my head into a tub of Caramello icecream.

Like this one.

Lucky I had this one handy.

At what age will society deem it acceptable for women to “let themselves go”? Some are still trying to cling to youth (with questionable success) into their 80s.

Former sex symbol Kim Novak at the 2014 Oscars.

Former sex symbol Kim Novak at the 2014 Oscars aged 81.

The problem is that for every individual who manages to delay the ravages of time through a combination of good genetics, hard work and quality cosmetic intervention there are dozens who overdo the cosmetic intervention and end up looking as scarily unnatural as a robotic Stepford Wife. It seems that the wealthier strata of society is spawning an army of middle aged fembots with immobile foreheads and frighteningly tight jawlines. I’ve seen the future and I’m terrified.

In the future society will be overrun by Joan Rivers clones.

In the future society will be overrun by Joan Rivers clones.

I realize that I’m enormously privileged to even have this as a concern. I’d wager that the botox vs notox argument is not a hot topic of conversation in the refugee camps of sub-Saharan Africa, the Gaza strip or the Crimean peninsula right now.  Nevertheless a first world issue is still an issue.  As medical science has not yet uncovered an elixir of youth, aging is here to stay. When is Western society going to collectively deal with it let alone celebrate it?

Do you feel there is too much pressure to hold back the years? What is your scary age?

Love

Mumabulous

 

*Anne Bancroft was only 6 years older than her co-star Dustin Hoffman.

12

The Day I Got Lucky.

So I have just finished binge watching four concurrent series of Game of Thrones. The fact that this is newsworthy should give you an indication of just how exciting life here in Chez Abulous really is. If I’ve gleaned anything from GoT its that my life as an Eastern Beaches housewife is as pampered, comfortable and safe as it gets. ( I’ve also gleaned that Kit Harrington and Iain Glenn are smokin’ hawt). In the Game of Thrones the players stare down death everyday and twice on Sunday’s. All too often  they come off second best. No one is immune – not even the uber smokin’ hawt.

Two hawt bros but only one of them survives to the end of Series 3

Two hawt bros but only one of them survives Season 3.

In stark contrast I feel like I’m going to die if 10 am rolls around and I haven’t had my coffee*. You can tell the time by my moaning about this – it is that reliable. When I am heard to complain “If I dont get a cappuccino now I’ll die” you know its 9.30am. Its got to be a real cappuccino made by the artisan hand of a skilled (and preferably hawt) barista. That Nescafe shite wont cut it when it comes to matters of life and death.  Also over the past seven years many is the occasion that I felt like I was going to die of boredom. Particularly during those endless hours spent at the park, playgroup, swimming lessons and viewing In The Night Garden.

This one is from Bake Bar in North Randwick

This one is from Bake Bar in North Randwick

There has only been one occasion when I sincerely believed my number was up. I wish it were an heroic story like falling down an ice crevasse and crawling my way to freedom (that was Touching the Void) or having to drink my own urine whilst stranded in the wilderness (That is every episode of Bear Grylls and Todd Carney on a big night out). Sadly my brush with the Grimm Reaper was much more mundane.

Bear Grylls surviving the outback.

Bear Grylls surviving the outback.

Back in the BC (before children) era shorty after Dadabs and I shacked up we took my chariot on the epic trek to the Gardens of The East. Which is a fancy pants way of saying I drove my shit box Mazda 121 to our local Westfield – Eastgardens. Calling it the Gardens of the East makes may life sound vaguely exotic. That bottle green 2002 Mazda really was a box of shite. Dadabs risked dying of embarrassment every time he stepped inside it. On the one occasion he actually had to drive it he found the experience so humiliating he decided there and then to buy me a new car. But I digress.

Chariots of Shite

Chariots of Shite

Whilst we cruised down Avoca St towards Anzac Parade Mother Nature unleashed an Almighty Gale. She can be a bitch that way. The gumtrees that lined the avenue bent and groaned helpless in the sway of the cyclonic winds. Then I saw it – a bloody great tree branch hurling straight towards my windscreen.

Like many a movie cliche time slowed down. I watched stunned as the log inched towards us as if in slow motion. I didn’t however see my life flash before my eyes. My one thought was “you’ve got to be kidding! It can’t end today, I’ve only just found a half decent boyfriend and been promoted at work”.

Just when it looked like all was lost and I wouldn’t get to finish the report on the mining services company that I had been working on the log lowered its trajectory. It smashed into my radiator with a sickening thud. Water leaked out all over the road. Dadabs and I had been spared by a matter of inches. Talk about getting lucky!

The car limped into a side street and we walked back to the former Chez Abulous determined to restart our journey to the Gardens of the East in Dadabs chariot – a firey red Mazda 3. Brenda and David having avoided their demise lived on to become Mum and Dadabulous. Even the Mazda 121 carried on heroically for several more months until it was deemed unfit for a successful software developer to be seen in.

Since that day luck has been on my side and Game of Thrones is the closest I’ve come to experiencing another brush with death.

How about you? Have you ever stared your mortality in the face?

Love

Mumabulous

*If you noticed that very bad GoT pun, you are as nerdy as I am. High five!

OK – enough with the GoT references already.

32

Mojos MIA

At the moment I feel like I’m living in the Austin Powers universe. However instead of having a sassy code name such as Felicity Shagwell or Ivana Humpalot, I’m more like Ms Willa Knott. It’s as though Dr Evil  dispatched Fat Bastard to steal my Mojo with his high tech Mojo extractor.

Mumabulous is the latest victim of the Mojo extractor

Mumabulous is the latest victim of the Mojo extractor

I’m not talking about marital relations here. Thankfully for all I intend to stick to my pledge about not discussing that – what goes on between a vertically challenged middle aged couple stays between a vertically challenged middle aged couple. ( I hope you can scrub your mind clear of that mental image). Its more that my enthusiasm for certain mundane activities is waning.

My cooking mojo is missing in action

Decades ago the mother of an old flame said to me ” Daahling a woman faces two choices every day – what to wear and and what to cook”. As a first year economics student I was completely aghast. I’d never heard anything so antiquated. Fast forward twenty five years and I could see that the pearl and twin set wearing north shore matriarch who I completely disdained at the time had a point. Churning out meals and trying to make them even moderately interesting day after day is a major chore. I’ve got about 6 dishes on high rotation. Dadabs takes over the culinary duties on the weekend and knocks up Master Chef standard fare. Absolutely everything is plated up with style and garnished with fresh herbs from the garden no less. A humble sandwich is inedible without a decorative sprig of parsley.

After giving the matter all of 2 minutes of thought I initiated this seafood pizza.

After giving the matter all of 2 minutes of thought I initiated this seafood pizza.

My exercise mojo is missing in action

There is a reason why Mumabulous is NAWT a fitness blog. I’ll come right out and say that I do not enjoy working out (Although I dont mind bending my elbow or flexing my retina). Nevertheless I enjoy feeling fitter and trimmer as a result of exercise. Last year I was getting to the gym 3 to 4 times a week. This year sadly the effort/reward curve is flattening which is a fancy pants way of saying I couldn’t be bothered anymore.

The only time I’m get is after 8.30pm when the kids have gone to bed.  By then a comfy couch, a doona and series 4 of Game of Thrones via Chromecast awaits. I ask you blog fans – when faced with a choice between going for a walk in the frigid night air or sampling hawt leather clad dudes wielding swords what would you do?

Meanwhile unlike in Game of Thrones summer is coming and this is my bikini. Its a frightening prospect.

Summer is coming!

Summer is coming!

I really need to find my “Eye of the Tiger” or rather “Eye of the Cougar”, make like Rocky and get myself match fit.* Either that or invest in a sequinned leopard skin print kaftan.

Meanwhile my gym gear mocks me!

Meanwhile my gym gear mocks me!

Screw it - have a coffee instead.

Screw it – have a coffee instead.

 

My blogging mojo is missing in action

Have you noticed that the internet is currently awash with blogging tips and advice? Like the proverbial rebel without a clue I am completely ignoring all of it. Hence my lack of success as a blogger.

When it comes to blogging I'm the wild one.

When it comes to blogging I’m the wild one. (Brando was hawt for a nano-second 60 years ago.)

Recently I’ve read about the importance of having a niche in social media. “Niche” is defined by dictionary.com as “a shallow recess”. Last time I looked I was not in need of any recess either shallow or deep. What’s wrong blogging about anything and everything? I stick to the philosophy that Variety is a Spice Girl.

Similarly I am reading countless dissertations about finding your “authentic voice”, “letting your readers fall in love with the real you” yada, yada, yada. This theory completely discounts the joy of writing as a caricature. Brenda can authentically tell you that it is awesome fun to have an alter ego. Would you rather read Brenda’s authentic thoughts about domestic life or Mumabulous’ inauthentic thoughts about being a dirty old lady?

Has your mojo ever gone MIA? How did you get your groove back?

This is how Stella got her groove back. Lots like she's been at the gym.

This is how Stella got her groove back. Looks like she’s been at the gym.

Love

Mumabulous

 

*Some musical motivation to get myself back to the treadmill. Cue the strains of the Rocky theme song

“Its the eye of the cougar

Cops a perve at the gym

Checking out all the hunky young crumpets

And the free weights section

Is so entertaining

Cause she’s watching them all with the eyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Of the cougar.”

Riiiiiiiiooooooow!

Riiiiiiiiooooooow!

24

Get More Fabulous

In economic news just to hand I went shopping. Analysts are currently busy upgrading their forecasts for retail spending, consumer confidence and GDP accordingly. I didn’t just spend like a drunken sailor. My performance was more like Wayne Swan in 2009.  Unlike the nation my personal budget did not stray into deficit. However I managed to make a whopping great dent in the surplus.

I dont need to hire a spin doctor to put my own personal cash splash in a positive light. I was not squandering Dadabulous’ hard earned. I was investing it in the future of my fabulousness. OK – it wasn’t exactly national building stuff. It was more an exercise in “cougar” building. I have declared loudly and proudly many times on this blog my utter commitment to becoming a kooky old bag. With my 44th birthday fast approaching and a 12% increase in wrinklage according to the Ponds Institute (not to mention a few grey eyebrow hairs – WTF?), I’ve decided its high time to walk the talk.

Its time to unleash the animal within – specifically the cougar but the old cow gets a guernsy too. Its time to bring out the big guns – animal print.

 

With leopard print its double or nothing.

With leopard print its double or nothing.

And if you’ve got any attitude at all

you team your fur with pleather.

you team your fur with pleather.

Dadabulous wanted to know how many snakes were sacrificed to make this el cheapo knock off bag

the rest of that conversation is unprintable.

the rest of that conversation is unprintable.

Animal prints are fun but being a cougar can also be about pastels.  I purchased this age inappropriate woollen tunic from Review.

I luff it.

I luff it.

Then I imposed my own taste upon my seven year old. I am completely bummed that this didn’t come in adult size 10.

Like mother like daughter.

Like mother like daughter.

Meanwhile sunglasses must reflect the personality of the owner.

In my case bright 'n cheap.

In my case bright ‘n cheap.

A cougar needs a few good role models. I was inspired by the Real Housewives of Melbourne I decided to let my inner sparkle shine through.

Appropriate day wear.

Appropriate day wear dont you think?

I reflect like a disco ball in this baby. It can be a tad distracting in the office.

Finally as my life is a bed of roses my choice of clothing should reflect this. I purchased this wool tunic dress from a chain called Blue Illusion. I think the shop would be better named “Have no illusion – you shop in here you are old”. Still it looks smoking with opaque tights and boots and it hides a multitude of winter sins.

I have no illusions blue or otherwise.

I have no illusions blue or otherwise.

Who wants to join my on the journey to Cougar Town?

More importantly do you feel a personal sense of obligation to stimulate the economy starting with the retail sector?

Love

Mumabulous

Here'a a gratuitous beach shot!

Here’a a gratuitous beach shot!

 

19

A Love Letter

Dear Chez Abulous

We’ve been together for three and a half years now and that first flush of infatuation has not yet faded. I thought I knew what satisfaction was with the former Chez Abulous but you’ve lifted me to a entire level entirely. To be specific – a second level with a balcony. Up until January 2011 you were the stuff of my wildest fantasies. A two car garage and a patch of lawn in Sydney’s east was something I could only dream about. Then you came along and I fell instantly in love. Walking through your front door for the first time was like stepping into the Tardis. You were literally bigger on the inside. A quaint cottage’s facade giving way to a spacious modern home.

I said to Dadabs in my typical understated manner “If you want to make an offer I will not be upset about it”. He made an offer and within a week an obscene amount of paper work was thrust in our direction. But it was worth it. You were ours.

You can still surprize me with a hidden storage nook or an undiscovered light switch. The excitement is such that even after three and a half years I can’t things clean between you and I. Literally! Your bathrooms (count them 1,2,3,4,5) are reservoirs of dust and mildew.  The floors are almost permanently covered in a film of grot and the walk in wardrobes are a no go zone.  The gracious high ceilinged play room with the gorgeous bay window is a pit of despair most of the time.

Play room or pit of despair?

Play room or pit of despair?

We’ve loved and nurtured you over the past three years. We’ve swapped out all the lights for LEDs, fixed a multitude of plumbing issues, trimmed your hedges regularly and vacuumed your smooth and silky polished floorboards every god darn day. Why do you have to be so high maintenance? You’re not quite an Eastern beaches palace. You dont have full frontal water views. You have no pool (hence no excuse to hire a pool boy) not even one of the plunge variety. In your defense you do have a jet powered spa in the main ensuite but its still no justification for behaving like an Eastern Suburbs princess?

A hills hoist is a nice touch.

A hills hoist is a nice touch.

But we're constantly on hedge.

But we’re constantly on hedge.

Is it not enough that mould is slowly devouring our spacious faux marble kitchen? Or that I climb these stairs at least 30 times per day (and still have managed to gain weight)?

My ass-pirational staircase.

My ass-pirational staircase.

Now the poles supporting the upper balcony are corroding requiring an expensive fix. Like a trophy wife you constantly need “work” and you are a constant drain to the hip pocket. Infact Mum and Dadabulous working as a team are still not able to satisfy your needs. Perhaps we need a permanent staff to cater to your whims?

Getting "work done"

Getting “work done”

Yet like a bad love song, we remain hopelessly devoted despite all the heart ache you cause us. We will never leave you. Your location, location, location, your high ceilings and your splendifious tub have seduced us completely. That and the thought of moving and dealing with f$%king real estate agents again is too much to bear.

A magnificent tub.

A magnificent tub.

Eternally yours (or at least until the kids have us carted off to an aged care facility).

Mumabulous.

Dear Mumabulous

Talk about first world problems! Stop whining. You’d have time to clean me if you got your ever expanding ass off social media. You lazy sod.

Love Chez Abulous.

Do you have a complicated relationship with your family home?

Love

Mumabulous