I’ve had a double dose of the daycare Christmas concert this week. Nothing is more delightful than seeing your own kids singing Christmas carols. The older group poured their hearts and souls into their rendition of Rudolf, amping up the attitude like they were auditioning for The Voice. Getting the Caterpillar group ( 3 year olds) to perform was like herding cats but they did very remarkably well. Only about half of them mouthed the words like footballers doing the national anthem. They all gesticulated enthusiastically to We Wish You a Merry Christmas and beamed at the parents rousing applause. In this context Christmas carols are a joy but when you are subjected to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town for two months before the fat fellow actually gets to town it becomes excruciating.
As a student Dadabulous worked in Target over the summer break. Here he was subjected to Christmas carols on a continuous loop all day. The scars of this ordeal run deep. I believe he is suffering what is now known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The first few bars of Away In A Manger are enough to have him rocking on the floor in the fetal position covering his ears. This week the UN General Assembly voted in favor of the recognition of an independent Palestinian state. I ask why they are wasting their time on this decades old conflict when more serious humanitarian issues are afoot? For the sake of the entire world’s sanity I propose that the UN pass a resolution banning the playing of any type of Christmas music in any public place until December 18th – exactly one week before the big day.
Think of how much merrier your shopping experience would be if you were not assaulted with WHAM!’s Last Christmas in the aisles of your local Colesworths. It is this tune above all others that unleashes the angry Grinch in me every December. Those faux sleighbells may as well be the sound of cash registers ringing. Its such a cynical attempt to bring in royalties year upon year. Do you remember the cheesy video clip accompanying the single’s original release in 1984? It revolves around an unlikely love triangle. A woman with a Princess Di haircut ( well it was the early 80s) has a brief Christmas fling with George Micheal then dumps him for Andrew Ridgeley* on Boxing Day. (hence the lyrics “Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away”). All I can say is that the Princess Di wanna-be must have wised up to George’s homosexuality toot sweet. Looking back how could any of us ever have imagined that George Micheal was straight?
Like all Christmas classics the song refuses to die with dignity. Its been covered by a new generation of pop tarts so we can relive the the bitter sweet feeling of unrequited love every silly season. According to Wiki, Billie Piper, Ashley Tisdale, Cascada and Alcazar have all had a go. There is even a Crazy Frog version. Holy Shite! How much irritation can you wring out of one song George? Here’s tip for all you evil record company types – let 1D cover Last Christmas complete with a soppy video clip. Perhaps it could feature all five of our pre- pubescent heroes fighting over one lucky chick. Much to the annoyance of parents everywhere it is certain to be a cash cow.
Are you with me on banning Christmas music in shopping centres prior to December 18th? What Christmas song do you find the most annoying?
Remember there’s 24 shopping days left.
Ho, ho, ho
* Younger readers may not know that Andrew Ridgeley was George Michael’s partner in WHAM! He disappeared from the limelight when WHAM! disbanded in 1986. In a fittingly 1980s twist he is married to one of the Bananarama alumni.
Photo shamelessly pilfered from NME.