Infidelity – Who’s Got The Time?

40 Comments

Have you ever looked at the infidelity statistics in gaping disbelief.  Its notoriously difficult to get an accurate snap shot of who is doing what to whom. People aren’t exactly going to broadcast their indiscretions in bold texta pen on the Government census.  We’re forced to rely on slightly sleazy mobs like Durex ( the condom manufacturer) and Red Hot Pie (an adult dating and social networking website) for the hard (snigger) facts on fornication. I suspect that a sluttier element are attracted to the surveys conducted by these fine establishments and we’re getting a distorted picture of what’s really going on. According to Durex 16% of us have cheated on a spouse. Red Hot Pie puts the figure at 45.1% for males and 41.9% for females. To be fair, RHP’s numbers covers all relationships from casual dating to long term marriages. Still if these figures are anywhere close to accurate the ground should be a quaking from all the shaking going on.

Not what the RHP website is about but exciting to mathematicians nonetheless.

It seems to me that even if one had the inclination to cheat, the logistics are tricky. Putting aside the small question of morality, the hassle involved in conducting an affair would surely outweigh the benefits.  Foremostly I wonder who has the time these days. Many of us are time poor. Large numbers are juggling full time paid work, commuting and parenthood. There’s the daycare or school drop off  followed by the dash to work in hellish peak hour traffic. If we’re lucky an eight hour work day is punctuated by a  half hour lunch spent stuffing down a sandwich whilst madly rushing about doing errands. Late afternoon rolls around and its time to bolt from the desk to daycare. The evening is consumed by a blur of dinner, homework, bathing kids and bedtime stories. Some folk then get the luxury of an hour or so of TV before falling into a coma. The window for extra-marital nookie in this schedule is extremely small. Perhaps people are getting it on in a broom closet at work during the 3.00 o’clock tea break. Erotic? NOT!

Even if much of the grunt work has been taken out of finding a willing partner by websites such as Ashley Madison, there’s the question of finding the time to peruse these offerings. Its not a good look to check out “the goods” at your work desk while chowing down on food court sushi and diet coke. Doing it on your home PC is far too risky, particularly if your other half is an IT guru. Perhaps all those grim faced office workers you see on the train and bus every morning fiddling with their smart phones are actually on adult matchmaker searching for a fiddle. I bet you thought they were playing Tetris.

Tetris?

Once a suitable accomplice is found, there’s the extra work involved in becoming “affair ready”. Its not like married sex. Depilation is required which means you have to squeeze in and fund regular visits to the beauty salon on top of everything else. Ten year old underwear no longer passes muster even if it actually still fits. Fresh new stuff has to be purchased from outlets like Bras and Things because Best & Less won’t cut it.  I have mornings where I leave the house without showering so that I can get the girls to daycare at a reasonable time. I surely wouldn’t get away with that it I were heading off to an assignation. The smell would be more indiscreet than my behaviour.

Your underwear collection will need upgrading.

Tending to the needs of ones own husband can be tiring enough let along having to deal with anyone else’s. I’m happy for my marriage to be like comforting chicken chasseur. In the meantime I can get all the spice I need by following the exploits of Don Draper (And what a morsel he is).

Disclaimer: After everything Dadabulous has done for us cheating would be the ultimate form of ingratitude. However in the unlikely event that Michael Fassbender knocks on the door and says “Brenda come away with me” all of the above can be disregarded.

Love

Mumabulous

Living vicariously through Mad Men.

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40 thoughts on “Infidelity – Who’s Got The Time?

  1. I agree wholeheartedly. We have a Scarlett Johanssen clause and a Clive Owen clause over here. :)

    • Clive Owen is indeed clause worthy. I dont have a clause as I have never discussed my “Fass”-incation with Dadabulous. He doesn’t need to know about it – I guess if he ever read the blog he’d find out ;-)

  2. There is no depilation in my life these days other than what’s strictly necessitated by a pretty conservative swimsuit. And even then…

  3. I’m ok with the getting ready part of it. It might be nice to look and smell good. I just wouldn’t want the effort of another man. One is tough enough. Rachel x

  4. Noooo way – I’m not up for any cheating unless I can do it yeti-style.

  5. Yeah totally who has the time? Not to mention there is generally a child hanging off me that I don’t quite know what I would do with while I ran off fornicating with others

    #teamIBOT

  6. You have hit the nail on the head here with extramarital sex. Aside for having to deal with the emotional baggage later, where the hell would u have the time? Interesting post on a life far away from anything I could ever imagine – even if I did have a hubbie :-)

  7. Too true! Not enough time nor could I manage the upkeep needed! Can’t see the fascination in affairs really, if you’re not happy with what you’ve got, don’t stay and stray!

  8. OMG, the comments are cracking me up as much as your post!
    I’ve been wearing these Bonds Granny Knickers since the birth of the twins 3 years ago. There ain’t no way I’m giving those babies up to wear itchy, polyester stringy things for an affair :)

  9. Hilarious! And I totally agree. In fact, I’m exhausted just reading about it….

  10. Oh yes who has the time? Or the inclination! Keeping Boatman satisfied is enough of a job for me!! ;)

  11. Loved this post! I think one man is enough to ‘get ready’ for!

  12. :D Yep. I always say to my dog-tired and weary husband, if he ever cheated on me, I’d applaud his enthusiasm.

  13. One word. Facebook! I think we’d all be surprised to hear how much infidelity goes on through that site. Don’t even need to smell or look good! Who has the time? Men who think they won’t get caught b/c they think we’re dumb! Sorry, tangent over here!

  14. I know! I’m tired enough keeping up with one man, let alone another. Unless Mr Gosling comes calling, of course!! x

  15. I always wonder who fills in those surveys – and scarily, whatever figure they have, it must be more cos there must be a ton of cheaters that deny it, even on an anon survey…

  16. Nope definitely don’t have the time or energy (or inclination) to go out searching for loving elsewhere. One man child is enough to deal with thanks!

  17. Still awesome on a second read Brenda. Love this post!

  18. I’ve never really got the whole cheating thing – I don’t have the energy for it – having said that, I do love a bit of harmless flirting and it doesn’t bother me at all if SD does too. Bottom line is that Im perfectly happy with the man I’ve got, why would I want to jepordise that?

  19. I often say to my hubby that he’d be out the door if he ever cheated and he said: “When on earth would I have time, I go to work and come home and that’s about it” and fair comment as he works in the construction industry! I loved this post the first time, but it means more to me now that I ‘know’ you more! Em xx

  20. I’m so flat out carving out enough time to indulge in downward dogs with the man I’ve got, I think adding even one more to the equation would break me. And I would not undertake that single girl level of shag-ready maintenance again willingly. If Brook dies or leaves I will probably grow moss ;)

  21. Yep, definitely no time or inclination here either, not to mention not a single person even remotely interested in so much as flirting with me. Hmph. Can’t figure it out. It can’t be my best bogan attire of trackie dacks and uggs, turning them away, can it?? Ahem.

  22. absolutely zero inclination here.
    I do love your ‘small question of morality’ part – that was well put.

    We have clauses too – I’m allowed quirky funny redheads (like my wife) – Isla Fisher, Alyson Hannigan and she is apparently allowed, George Clooney, Brendan Fraser etc (not like me at all! – I’m more like Mr Maker!)

  23. Fassbender?! Don’t see it, sorry.

    (I’ve been commenting using the wrong blog all day… all my parenty-type comments will be directed to my arty blog… dumbass! – not my ‘best’ moment!)

  24. Oh god the idea of regular body hair grooming is too much. Too much! No thank you! Every time I think about this concept, you know because men are basically throwing themselves at me constantly (hahahahaAA) I think about my leg hair. It keeps me honest. Hahahaaaa.

  25. Geez…I’m flat out just getting one man let alone getting one and getting some on the side. So I can totally relate to “nice” underwear and immaculate ‘grooming’. Given, I’m single I feel as though I need to be ‘ready’ and at my best all the time. That’s just tiring enough. Ah…stuff it…he’s just gonna have to take me as I am.

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