Have you ever looked at the infidelity statistics in gaping disbelief. Its notoriously difficult to get an accurate snap shot of who is doing what to whom. People aren’t exactly going to broadcast their indiscretions in bold texta pen on the Government census. We’re forced to rely on slightly sleazy mobs like Durex ( the condom manufacturer) and Red Hot Pie (an adult dating and social networking website) for the hard (snigger) facts on fornication. I suspect that a sluttier element are attracted to the surveys conducted by these fine establishments and we’re getting a distorted picture of what’s really going on. According to Durex 16% of us have cheated on a spouse. Red Hot Pie puts the figure at 45.1% for males and 41.9% for females. To be fair, RHP’s numbers covers all relationships from casual dating to long term marriages. Still if these figures are anywhere close to accurate the ground should be a quaking from all the shaking going on.
It seems to me that even if one had the inclination to cheat, the logistics are tricky. Putting aside the small question of morality, the hassle involved in conducting an affair would surely outweigh the benefits. Foremostly I wonder who has the time these days. Many of us are time poor. Large numbers are juggling full time paid work, commuting and parenthood. There’s the daycare or school drop off followed by the dash to work in hellish peak hour traffic. If we’re lucky an eight hour work day is punctuated by a half hour lunch spent stuffing down a sandwich whilst madly rushing about doing errands. Late afternoon rolls around and its time to bolt from the desk to daycare. The evening is consumed by a blur of dinner, homework, bathing kids and bedtime stories. Some folk then get the luxury of an hour or so of TV before falling into a coma. The window for extra-marital nookie in this schedule is extremely small. Perhaps people are getting it on in a broom closet at work during the 3.00 o’clock tea break. Erotic? NOT!
Even if much of the grunt work has been taken out of finding a willing partner by websites such as Ashley Madison, there’s the question of finding the time to peruse these offerings. Its not a good look to check out “the goods” at your work desk while chowing down on food court sushi and diet coke. Doing it on your home PC is far too risky, particularly if your other half is an IT guru. Perhaps all those grim faced office workers you see on the train and bus every morning fiddling with their smart phones are actually on adult matchmaker searching for a fiddle. I bet you thought they were playing Tetris.
Once a suitable accomplice is found, there’s the extra work involved in becoming “affair ready”. Its not like married sex. Depilation is required which means you have to squeeze in and fund regular visits to the beauty salon on top of everything else. Ten year old underwear no longer passes muster even if it actually still fits. Fresh new stuff has to be purchased from outlets like Bras and Things because Best & Less won’t cut it. I have mornings where I leave the house without showering so that I can get the girls to daycare at a reasonable time. I surely wouldn’t get away with that it I were heading off to an assignation. The smell would be more indiscreet than my behaviour.
Tending to the needs of ones own husband can be tiring enough let along having to deal with anyone else’s. I’m happy for my marriage to be like comforting chicken chasseur. In the meantime I can get all the spice I need by following the exploits of Don Draper (And what a morsel he is).
Disclaimer: After everything Dadabulous has done for us cheating would be the ultimate form of ingratitude. However in the unlikely event that Michael Fassbender knocks on the door and says “Brenda come away with me” all of the above can be disregarded.