Have you noticed that much of what passes for journalism of the interwebs these days takes the style of an open letter? There is one “mummy blogging” website in particularly which is particularly adept at this platform. Unfortunately as I hope to one day ingratiate myself with them I can’t mention its name. Anyhow the pattern typically goes like this.
Someone in the limelight makes an ill advised and/or misogynistic comment and the online community swoop on it like a seagull to a discarded chip. The authors objections are put forward in the form of a letter supposedly addressed to the perpetrator of the outrageous statements. The thing is the letter is available for all to see and comment upon but rarely read by the addressee themselves. During the past month, the “daggy uncle” of breakfast television David Koch has copped a virtual truckload of these virtual missives. I am sure he’s well aware that he is considered a sexist dinosaur. Even if he isn’t, the entire blogosphere surely is. Besides the entire tit-gate debacle is like so three weeks ago. There is simply no need for me to weigh in. Nevertheless there are a few individual and institutions I would like to take a shot at. So why not jump of the open letter band wagon?
To Eddie Obeid and the Obeid family
Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 or any random mining tenements. Do not attempt to operate any complex family trusts from jail.
To Craig Thompson
Of course I believe in the justice system – innocent until proven guilty yada yada yada. Unfortunately in your particularly case I think the following cliche applies -
“If it looks like bovine excrement and it smells like bovine excrement – it must be bull shit”. You can discuss the finer points of rorting with your mate Eddie O in jail.
To the good people at CERN.
I have read that by smashing beams of lead ions together you were able to generate temperatures more than 100,000 times hotter than the core of the sun. Similar temperatures were measured under my collar the first time I saw Michael Fassbender in X-men First Class. Given that I am capable of exuding this much heat energy perhaps I could be of some use in the search for sub atomic particles. All you have to do is put me in front of a Fass DVD, which is considerably cheaper than firing a bunch of protons around a 27 km tunnel. Just a thought.
To Daniel Day Lewis
It looks like this year’s Oscars are going to be all about you and your tour de force in the movie Lincoln. I have no qualms with you DDL. On the contrary, you are crumpet of the highest quality. My girl posse and I were entranced by your performances in the 1980s art house movies - My Beautiful Laundrette and The Unbearable Lightness of Being. In 1992 my bestie and I sat through The Last of The Mohicans simply because it featured you and not your shirt. Not only are you still fresh crumpet at age 55, you are a sterling actor as your award cabinent will attest. However I don’t think you are a perfect fit as Lincoln. I believe the role should have gone to Fass. My reasoning – if Fass were president he’d be “Babe” braham Lincoln. Boom Tish! (Sorry for the blatant Wayne’s World rip off but it had to be said) *
And while we are on Award nights and red carpet events -
To High End Designers Everywhere
What’s with the recent trend of dressing the stars in curtains and lounge upholstery? To illustrate my point – Lucy Liu is a stunning woman and a handy actress but looks like she’s stolen the curtains from an olde world mansion in her Golden Globe gown. I can only ask whether she’ll be playing the next Mrs Draper? Mind you she’s still hawt. The biatch could wear a glad kitchen tidy bag and look hawt. Biatch!
I’ve got way more ground to cover but letters usually come in collections. There will be at least one follow up to this post.
Who would you target in an open letter?
* I don’t really believe this but I was desperate to use the Wayne’s World line. If Fass were president he’d be ”Babe”rick O”Babe”a. Much more modern.