A Brief History of Crumpet – Vol 2

crumpets smaller

       This history lesson wasn’t (but should have been) brought to you by Golden Crumpets.

Regular readers of this blog may recall that back in April I gave you the most entertaining history lecture in history with  A Brief History of Crumpet Vol 1.  http://mum-abulous.com/2013/04/02/a-brief-history-of-crumpet-vol-1/  I promised a sequel and I am finally making good on my word. You can trust me to deliver.

At the end of Vol 1 crumpet had reached a cyclical peak with The Spartans and the advent of the abdominal six pack.

The Spartan era was a high point for fans of David Wenham (as you would expect I am)

The Spartan era was a high point for fans of David Wenham (like me)

Unfortunately for womankind crumpet soon went into a rapid and steep decline. The Dark Ages were so called because they were dark and lasted for ages. Unless you are into the black plague and Gregorian chants absolutely nothing crumpety happened in Europe during the period spanning from the 5th to the 14th century AD. Paul Bettany’s turn as Geoffrey Chaucer in a Knight’s Tale is the only possible exception. The problem is that a) Paul looks nothing like Chaucer and b) that movie sucked.

Paul Bettany is a crumpet no matter what the era. Its just a pity A Knights Tale sucked.

Paul Bettany is a crumpet no matter what the era. Its just a pity A Knights Tale sucked.

In fact I would go so far as to say the only other high light of the entire millenium was Black Adder.

Blackadder - Made light of the Dark Ages.

Blackadder – Made light of the Dark Ages.

Amazingly people kept procreating and the human race managed to survive until the Renaissance hit in the 14th Century. Around that time a gay mafia consisting of Leonard Da Vinci, Michelangelo and a few other groupies used their collective queer eye to makeover the joint. After a particularly fabulous toga party they decided that ancient Greece was the new black.  Shirts were whipped off and once again art was all about eye candy. Happily for the female population, stuff like this sprang up in public spaces.

It is a little known fact that Michelangelo's David was modelled on a young Dadabulous.

It is a little known fact that Michelangelo’s David was modelled on a young Dadabulous.

The Sistine Chapel became the Church of Hawtness

The Sistine Chapel became the Church of Hawtness

Meanwhile Leonardo developed a keen interest in anatomy (as you do) leading to many technical studies of crumpet. This was all done in the name of advancing medical sciences but we all know he was just having a perve.

Vitruvian Man was consider the gold standard in crumpet.

Vitruvian Man was consider the gold standard in crumpet.

Until Firefly fans improved him by inserting Nathan Fillion's face. Nathan Fillion is hawt.

Until Firefly fans improved him by inserting Nathan Fillion’s face. Nathan Fillion is hawt.

 

Crumpet was riding the crest of a wave when  a young upstart named Shakespeare decided to put it on stage. In 1597 he simultaneously invented the romantic leading man and launched the career of another Leonardo (Di Caprio) with the blockbuster play Romeo and Juliet. Over 400 years later people still cant get over the whole star crossed lovers thing.

Shakespeare invented the romantic lead and advanced the directorial career of Baz Lurman.

Shakespeare both invented the romantic lead and advanced the career of Baz Lurhmann

When Regency period arrived in the early 1800s crumpet was totally ramping up as was Blackadder.

Dont adjust your set - that is Hugh Laurie as the Prince Regent.

Dont adjust your set – that is Hugh Laurie as the Prince Regent.

The leading romantic man concept went gangbusters. A genius by the name of Jane Austen conjured up the quintessential luuurve God with the iconic Mr Darcy character and chick lit was born.  During the 200 years that followed the idea was perfected by the addition of a) Colin Firth and b) water.

To make a luuuurve God take  Colin Firth and  add water.

To make a luuuurve God take Colin Firth and add water.

Oh my.

Oh my – we cant have you in those wet clothes Fitzwilliam.

Oops - how did that get there?

Oops – how did that get there?

Jane Austen spawned a tsunami of moody romantic fiction. To everyone’s delight the bad boys just got badder. To this day no one has been darker and more brooding than Emily Bronte’s creation  Heathcliff of Wuthering Heights.

Before the Mile High incident Ralph Fiennes smoldered as Heathcliff.

Before the Mile High incident Ralph Fiennes smoldered as Heathcliff.

Not to be outdone Emily’s sister Charlotte Bronte came up with something truly Fassworthy – Mr Rochester from Jane Eyre.

jane Eyre you bitch! Unhand my Fass.

Jane Eyre you bitch! Unhand my Fass!

So here ends the second installment of the my history of crumpet. As is typical for any discussion of things crumpety it started and ended with a red head. Next time I will take you into the 20th century with all the turmoil and changes it brought. Whilst the death, destruction and mayhem of two world wars weren’t exactly a turn on, damn some people looked fine in a uniform.

I mean it Fass - you've got to stop the durrying.

I mean it Fass – you’ve got to stop the durrying.

Love

Mumabulous

PS: To my Year 12 Modern History teacher Mr Dixon – I am really sorry about this.

24 thoughts on “A Brief History of Crumpet – Vol 2

  1. You are amazing, the background
    that goes in to these posts are amazeballs! Meanwhile I just offered my Fass an early night and I’m in bed alone and I can hear the TV getting action – Boom! Win for me, time to slee zzzzzzzz

  2. Fass looks uncomfortable with his durry in that last picture, it’s not sitting naturally – which is a good sign. You give good Firth as always here Brenda. Ah, that white shirt. I do wish you’d been my modern history teacher!

  3. Paul Bettany is a fascination of mine, his voice gives me little chills – yes that movie was shocking and he was the best part of it, for sure. He is frankly brilliant in Master and Commander and though I am not a big chick flick fan, I love him in Wimbledon. And oh, Colin – that shirt. That scene. Sigh. As for Ralph – such a genuine shame. I approve of the fact that he has never publicly spoken about what he did, but sadly – for me at least – his sex appeal went down the same toilet as the one in which he shagged that desperado :(

    • I’d recommend Young Victoria – Paul Bettany was smokin’ as Lord Melbourne – all britches, mutton chop side burns and curls. I think I’ll have to add a little more Paul to this blog to mix things up a bit. I dont usually go for blondes but for PB I can make an exception.

  4. Any wonder I failed Year 10 history. Where were you when I needed you Mumab. When you write your next post on more modern day crumpeteers, can I contirubute? Pleeeeeassssse! :)

  5. Poor damp Colin. Someone should really towel him down and move him to a warmer climate. I always loved history. Now I love it with all the towels in my linen cupboard. Lovely dissertation Brenda. I give you an A.

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