This history lesson wasn’t (but should have been) brought to you by Golden Crumpets.
Regular readers of this blog may recall that back in April I gave you the most entertaining history lecture in history with A Brief History of Crumpet Vol 1. http://mum-abulous.com/2013/04/02/a-brief-history-of-crumpet-vol-1/ I promised a sequel and I am finally making good on my word. You can trust me to deliver.
At the end of Vol 1 crumpet had reached a cyclical peak with The Spartans and the advent of the abdominal six pack.
Unfortunately for womankind crumpet soon went into a rapid and steep decline. The Dark Ages were so called because they were dark and lasted for ages. Unless you are into the black plague and Gregorian chants absolutely nothing crumpety happened in Europe during the period spanning from the 5th to the 14th century AD. Paul Bettany’s turn as Geoffrey Chaucer in a Knight’s Tale is the only possible exception. The problem is that a) Paul looks nothing like Chaucer and b) that movie sucked.
In fact I would go so far as to say the only other high light of the entire millenium was Black Adder.
Amazingly people kept procreating and the human race managed to survive until the Renaissance hit in the 14th Century. Around that time a gay mafia consisting of Leonard Da Vinci, Michelangelo and a few other groupies used their collective queer eye to makeover the joint. After a particularly fabulous toga party they decided that ancient Greece was the new black. Shirts were whipped off and once again art was all about eye candy. Happily for the female population, stuff like this sprang up in public spaces.
Meanwhile Leonardo developed a keen interest in anatomy (as you do) leading to many technical studies of crumpet. This was all done in the name of advancing medical sciences but we all know he was just having a perve.
Crumpet was riding the crest of a wave when a young upstart named Shakespeare decided to put it on stage. In 1597 he simultaneously invented the romantic leading man and launched the career of another Leonardo (Di Caprio) with the blockbuster play Romeo and Juliet. Over 400 years later people still cant get over the whole star crossed lovers thing.
When Regency period arrived in the early 1800s crumpet was totally ramping up as was Blackadder.
The leading romantic man concept went gangbusters. A genius by the name of Jane Austen conjured up the quintessential luuurve God with the iconic Mr Darcy character and chick lit was born. During the 200 years that followed the idea was perfected by the addition of a) Colin Firth and b) water.
Jane Austen spawned a tsunami of moody romantic fiction. To everyone’s delight the bad boys just got badder. To this day no one has been darker and more brooding than Emily Bronte’s creation Heathcliff of Wuthering Heights.
Not to be outdone Emily’s sister Charlotte Bronte came up with something truly Fassworthy – Mr Rochester from Jane Eyre.
So here ends the second installment of the my history of crumpet. As is typical for any discussion of things crumpety it started and ended with a red head. Next time I will take you into the 20th century with all the turmoil and changes it brought. Whilst the death, destruction and mayhem of two world wars weren’t exactly a turn on, damn some people looked fine in a uniform.
PS: To my Year 12 Modern History teacher Mr Dixon – I am really sorry about this.