26

Slices Of Life

Many successful and classy bloggers give alot of themselves. Whereas I just give alot of crumpet. Some of the more affecting bloggers provide a window to their lives and invite everyone to peer in. Normally I find peering at crumpets more interesting but I’ve decided to experiment with a change of pace. I’m going to make like a “normal” blogger and give you some slices from my life.

This is how pretty much every day begins. I enjoy a ration of 10 minutes of blissful alone time whilst I trot down to the beach to get a “real” coffee. Seeing the sun come up over the ocean is merely a bonus.

There are many crumpets out training at this time of day.

There are many crumpets out training at this time of day.

Its all down hill from this point onwards.

Its all down hill from this point onwards.

Back at home I have

hibiscus.

hibiscus.

and basil out the wazoo.

Its faulty. (Hands up who got that very poor TV pun)

Its faulty. (Hands up who got that terrible TV pun)

I’ve mentioned the out of control bougainvillea in previous posts. Dadabulous finds it therapeutic to hack at it with a lethal looking hedger trimmer. He tells me he is training for the zombie apocalypse. I could take this as a sign that my husband has a) played too many computer games and b) watched to many episodes of The Walking Dead. Instead I choose to take comfort in the fact that he is skilling up for the inevitable zombie Armageddon. It helps me rest easier at night.

Bougainvillea for Dadabs to hack at.

Bougainvillea for Dadabs to hack at.

Lamest excuse ever to post a pic of Andrew Lincoln. But who needs an excuse - he is a crumpet.

Lamest excuse ever to post a pic of Andrew Lincoln. But who needs an excuse – he is a crumpet.

Here’s something I never thought I’d have. A pine.

No not Chris Pine.

No not Chris Pine.

 

An actual pine tree.

An actual pine tree.

I can see how you got confused there. Both are quite wooden. Still I wouldn’t remove either from the yard.

Do you ever do this – convert Sunday night’s roast into a curry with the help of a tin of coconut milk? I am turning into my mother,  your mother

and everybody else's freakin' mother.

and everybody else’s freakin’ mother.

Meanwhile I bake much but  I don’t like to talk about it.

Lets keep this quiet.

Lets keep this quiet.

Its my dirty secret.

Its my dirty secret.

Dadabulous recently acquired new office space in the middle of Hipsterville central. He immediately set about funkifying it. It was not enough that he built the board room table with his bare hands, he created a post modern art work to go with it.

Its a homage to the buildings industrial heritage.

Its a homage to the buildings industrial heritage.

I know you are wondering if the chains came from our own personal collection and whether the whips are missing them. You’ll be disappointed (or perhaps relieved) to hear that they were sourced from Ebay.

Step around the corner and you’ll encounter this. Its the definitive sign that you’ve landed on planet Software Developer. Yes really – my husband has an inflatable dalek in his office.

Our Dalek is looking a tad flaccid.

Our Dalek is looking a tad flaccid.

The inner city suburb where we work really should be renamed Funky Town. In stark contrast to the buttoned up world of stockbroking there is nary a suit to be seen. They are worn only by those foot soldiers of Satan aka real estate agents who can be spotted patrolling the joint. Otherwise pretty young things prance about in leather hot pants and Doc Martens – and that’s just the blokes!!!!!!! No seriously – I have never seen so many skinny jeans, hipster beards and thick rimmed glasses concentrated in such a small area. I luff it (to shamelessly borrow from another blogger who actually has some style).

Like the Gen Y’s I am getting in on the shorts as work wear action. Clearly I have an under supply of shame.

What to wear to work when your office is in Funky Town.

What to wear to work when your office is in Funky Town.

Meanwhile you know you’re in Funky Town central when its not a cafe – it’s a caffeine lab. I love what these people do in a test tube.

lab medI’ve given you gardening, fashion, a sunrise, baking, crumpets, another fine example of Dadabulous’ wood and a blow up toy. What more could you want in a blog?

Hows your life looking these days?

Happy Easter

Mumabulous

PS: Congratulations to all those who rated in the Kidspot Village Voices. I’m not jealous, peeved or miffed in any way to have been completely overlooked this year. :-(

 

 

36

First World Issues

Is your life beset with very minor inconveniences which could best be described as “first world issues”? Welcome to Chez Abulous. I’ll show you mine.

To begin with I am peeved that Barbie’s car is significantly hawter than mine.

Hawter than a Mazda 2?

Hawter than a Mazda 2?

I have a walk in wardrobe. Yay! High fives all round. But all too regularly I can’t find my stuff in it.

Items of clothing disappear into this vortex

Items of clothing disappear into this vortex

Clearly I don’t have enough shoes.

there are still some empty pigeon holes.

there are still some empty pigeon holes.

If you have daughters your house is likely to be absolutely riddled with these things in every possible color, pattern and permutation. They appear in the most unlikely of places – under cushions, in the vacuum tube, behind the toilet, in the back of the fridge. Perhaps you’ve even taken to accessorizing your gym gear with them yourself. The glittery pink numbers are particularly fetching when teamed with lycra. Unfortunately you can never find one when your Year 1 girl is screaming for you to put her hair in pigtails and you have five minutes to get out the door.

Elastics are breeding!

Elastics are breeding!.

I’m not entirely sure what a wazoo is but I do know I’ve got bougainvilleas coming out of mine.

Its like Night Of The Living Dead.

Its like Night Of The Living Dead.

I have lost my exercise mojo and ergo I am feeling extremely nawt hawt.

This is motivating me to do several sets of middle finger lifts.

This is motivating me to do several sets of middle finger lifts.

Luckily my mojo for calorific treats is unaffected but my health conscious husband insists on buying unsalted nuts. I have to salt them myself.

Salting Dadabs nuts.

Salting Dadabs nuts.

Meanwhile some lazy sods simply could not be arsed scrambling their own eggs with a fork.

Prescrambled eggs. Now I have seen it all.

Prescrambled eggs. Now I have seen it all.

I may have given you all the impression that Fassbender is my greatest love but the truth of the matter is that it’s chocolate. If pure bliss could be condensed down into a square inch like a neutron star it would be this stuff.

chocolate honeycomb!!!!!!

chocolate honeycomb!!!!!!

It HAS to be Violet Crumble. Nothing else will do. This Crunchie shite is a poor impostor. Do you think I can find Violet Crumble at my local Colesworths? There are rows of floor to ceiling confection but nary a Violet Crumble in sight.

What's wrong with this picture?

What’s wrong with this picture?

Did the Violet Crumble go the way of the Polly Waffle and the candy cigarettes? I believe that the current scarcity of Violet Crumble is unAustralian and that Tony Abbott should do something about it. Bring back the VC with the Knighthoods TA!

Bryan Ferry was a Slave to Love.

That'll kick start your mojo.

That’ll kick start your mojo.

Sadly, I by contrast am a slave to a four year old. However I don’t think that is strictly a first world problem. It’s universal.

When she says "bake" we bake.

When she says “bake” we bake.

In truth, like Bryan I am a Slave to Love because I do love my golden haired girls.

What are your first world issues?

Love

Mumabulous

 

 

24

Wired

Whilst stuck in peak hour traffic I spied this on the side of a Sydney bus.

It was the ultimate irony.

It was the ultimate irony.

I remarked to Dadabulous “Oh look – there’s that guy from Breaking Bad”. At the time I neglected to mention that  Aaron Paul was looking rather fetching with his designer stubble and rock star leather jacket. ( I thought I’d save that observation for you guys).  Dadabs eyes widened “Oh yeah it is too and check the Bugatti!” This very simple exchange pretty much sums up the difference in how we see the world. I swear Scarlet Johanssen could have been writhing in a bikini on that movie poster but Dadabs would still be “checking the Bugatti”. He’s more interested in the actual machinery than the piece of crumpet driving it. The converse is true for me. I’m more like “Oh look a hunk in some kind of a car”.

“Didn’t James May beat a speed record in a Bugatti?” I added trying to make Bugatti related conversation. Some might accuse me of suffering from taste bud/rectal inversion syndrome but I after 20 seasons of Top Gear I still have a spot for James May – and its soft. Dadabs merely went on to regale me with factoids about how many Bugattis are produced every year and how fast they can actually go because that is how he is wired.

Eye candy for Dadabs

Eye candy for Dadabs

 

and lovely James for me.

and lovely James for me.

Nowhere is the difference in our thinking more apparent than in our choice of viewing. When he’s not engrossed in the latest “conquer the known universe” type computer game or tinkering in the garage with his wood he can be found glued to the digital TV station 7 mate. He is into those super mega, hugemongus engineering project type shows which I dont mind as I love engineers. (When it comes to hats on men I like em hard ). On the other hand I catch him chuckling at programs which show case human stupidity at its most extreme eg: “Tattoo nightmares”, “Hardcore Pawn” and in a similar (ahem) vein “Pawn Stars”.

The other night I wandered into our TV/play room to be greeted with “I’ve just started watching Jackass. I can rewind it back to the beginning for you if you like”. I cant tell you how thrilled I was.  I want to watch Jackass about as much as he wants to sit through the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice again or anything featuring Dame Judi Dench (other than Bond).

Dame Judi rocks my socks but not Dadabs

Dame Judi rocks my socks but not Dadabs

Meanwhile this is just awesome!

Meanwhile this is just awesome! Every lake needs one.

I marvel at how my highly intelligent and creative husband can be reduced to a quivering puddle of laughter by the antics of Johnny Knoxville and his troupe of overgrown 12 year olds. There’s only so much I can take of these dudes whacking (and in one case electrocuting) each other in the testicles.  Admittedly I did titter at their coke and mentos shenanigans but when the bodily fluids started flowing it was time for me to exit.

Jackass - the ultimate in hilarity

Jackass – slapstick at its most extreme.

OK - I laughed at this.

Coke and mentos a classic recipe for hilarity.

Remembering significant dates is not Dadabs strong suite. Last week I quizzed Dadabs as I edged towards the fridge calender “Guess what is coming up soon?”.  He answered all to quickly and all to enthusiastically. “The council clean-up”.  “No, our 6th wedding anniversary” I shot back sternly. “Really I am more concerned about the council clean up”.  Apparently he is not one for sweeping romantic gestures on those significant dates. To his credit he dug deep. He arranged a baby sitter and celebrated with  Kir Royal (which is a fancy French way of saying champagne with Ribena) and a very satisfying Thai meal with some good friends. I cant complain. I am also happy to report that we got rid of a huge amount crap at Council cleanup – specifically five dead hard drives.

Council clean up - a significant event for Dadabs.

Council clean up – a significant event for Dadabs.

So happy anniversary Dadabs! I love you just as you are – a red headed tech/entrepreneurial whiz with six pack abs who also happens to be handy with a screwdriver. I think I can tolerate a bit of Jackass for that.

How is your partner wired?

Mumabulous

 

34

Postcards (& Other Randoms)

If I were Yoda I would say things like

yoda med

You have to imagine me doing the voice.

Yup – this really is me.

football meme med

World’s second most over used meme.

I’m not even interested in it from a crumpet perspective. I prefer men with necks and unsmushed faces. Moreover although I have absolutely no problem with brawn its brains I covet. For me when it comes to equations

Oh my Prof Brian.

size matters. Oh my! Prof Brian. (Potentially a new meme)

If you are one of the thousands of footie fans out there I really don’t mean to “dis” your passion. Nor do I mean to imply that anyone who plays league is unintelligent, although getting thwacked around the head every weekend can’t be good for you. Let me explain my position. I was born and bred in Sydney’s Sutherland Shire which means a rusted on allegiance to the Cronulla sharks. Mention this to anyone outside the insular peninsula and their reaction is inevitably

A Sharks fan? Fecking hilarious.

“A Sharks fan? Fecking hilarious!”

To the district’s eternal shame the “mighty” Sharks have never won a premiership, are cursed by a “finals hoodoo” and have an uncanny knack of “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.”  They actually reached the grand final in 1978. I remember it clearly as it was a momentous occasion for my family and possibly the high light of my father’s life. Naturally we were crushed by the Manly sea eagles.

Nowadays Sharkies fans commiserate by circulating this sort of thing around social media.

sharks med

and

Cronulla meme med

As I have since escaped to the light side of the Georges River I could deny my past and start supporting the local team – the Eastern Suburbs Roosters. Yet my “Shireness” runs deep. I feel as though loyalty to the Sharks has been branded upon my very soul.

one-does-not-simply-med

World’s most over used meme.

Its far far easier to feign complete disinterest. I’ve since reached a point where the disinterest is no longer feigned.

Postcards

If you are part of the vast Australian middle class, you have probably spent many a child hood holiday in budget accommodation up and down our coastline. You are more than likely all too familiar with the local gift store and its plethora of tacky souveniers. Among the piles of shell jewellery

shell necklace med

and the ubiquitous kangaroo scrotum

and the ubiquitous kangaroo scrotums

chances are you’ve encountered this fair dinkum Aussie bloke

with remarkably well toned buttocks.

with remarkably well toned buttocks.

I swear I have seen him at every seaside location I have ever visited in this country. He really gets around. What’s more he’s been baring those gluts for donkey’s years. Admittedly this guy is always grossly out numbered by cards featuring scantily clad Aussie sheilas but we’re not interested in that.  The dude’s broad brim hat demonstrates a sensible approach to sun protection. I’m sure he remembers to slip, slop, slap – which would be an interesting event to witness.  Meanwhile this adorable little fellow doesn’t need to given that his sun screen is built in and soft to touch.  All Aussies know that koalas can really shred the tube.

A ridgy didge Aussie gromit.

A ridgy didge Aussie gromit.

This stuff really brings out the poet in me.

I love a sunburnt country

A land of naked rears

Of  random surfing koalas

And roos chugging cold beers.

roo med

Are you a rusted on sports fan? What are your favorite kitschy souveniers? And which memes are you completely over?

Love

Mumabulous

I'm bringing out all the classics today.

I’m bringing out all the classics today.

36

Your Inner Voice

 Freedom

I’ve just submitted my final TAFE assignment and I’ve got one more exam to go before the whole thing is done and dusted. I can almost taste the freedom. It’s so very, very sweet like sunshine and lolly pops.

What freedom tastes like.

What freedom tastes like.

I can’t tell you how motivated I currently am to kick on with my career. I really can’t. In fact I am positively chomping at the bit to throw on a bejewelled kaftan (a tent of magnificence ) and swan about like a professional in a variety of exotic locations. Palawa Island in the Philippines is a good enough place to start. Oh my this is some titillating travel porn.

This works for me.

This works for me.

This too.

This too.

I'm so excited and I just cant hide it.

I’m so excited and I just cant hide it.

Hold on a minute… Didn’t last week’s post also feature a stunning South East Asian island destination? Is this blog becoming repetitive?

Thanks Fass. Have I ever told you that you are HAWT?

Thanks Fass. How unusual to see you here and OMG you are still HAWT!!

Your Inner Voice

Now I’m going to veer off on a totally random tangent. It is said that the key to self love and hence happiness is changing your inner voice. Its an interesting concept. I am fed up with my nasally Shire girl whine*. I would much rather my inner dialogue took on the soothing tones of

Benedict Crumpet-batch

Benedict Crumpet-batch

Not to be confused with a batch of crumpets.

Not to be confused with a batch of crumpets.

The really awesome thing about this is that as it is my internal voice I get to write the script. This means the Crumpet-batch says lines like ” Hand me a microscope because girl your butt looks miniscule in those khaki shorts” and “I demand to see your birth certificate because there is no way you look 43″. He’s such a talented actor always gives an Oscar worthy performance. It is convincing enough to have me doing my own rendition of Summer Nights.

Well-a well-a well-a, huh. Tell me more, Tell me more.

Well-a well-a well-a, huh. Tell me more, Tell me more.

And so he tells me more. Things like – “Hey girl – I saw these in the supermarket and I just couldn’t resist getting them because they remind me of you. I can’t wait to try it out when I do the next load of washing”.

Small but mighty - is really putting a positive spin on it.

Small & mighty – is really putting a positive spin on it.

And ” I got this as well because

I'm so ready for your jelly".

I’m so ready for your jelly”.

Oh my – I can feel my self esteem swelling by the minute.

Do you ever indulge in travel porn?

Who would you like your inner voice to sound like?

Love

Mumabulous

* For those of you who are unaware of my shame – Dadabs and I were born and breed in Sydney’s Sutherland shire but didn’t meet until we were in our mid thirties and living in the inner city.

PS: My apologies to Melbourne Mum who is the biggest Crumpet-batcher in our blogging community (We’ve been disallowed from calling Benedict fans “Cumberbitches”-(http://melbournemum.com/2014/02/18/the-retort-files-cumberbitches/ ). Its only his voice I want – I swear.

22

Shock, Horror!

Those Shocking Backpackers!

Recently there has been much shrill commentary in our local rag, The Wentworth Courier (aka The Wentie), about the disgraceful behaviour of backpackers. They really are the scourge of the Eastern beaches. How dare young people come to our wide brown land and enjoy themselves especially when their Wicked Campervans are taking coveted water side parking spaces.

Darn foreigners are taking our parking spots!

Darn foreigners are taking our parking spots!

Really –  viewing Wolf Creeks 1 & 2 should be a mandatory condition of getting a working holiday Visa in this country.

If Wolf Creek doesn't deter them nothing will.

If Wolf Creek doesn’t deter them nothing will.

The latest outrage occurred at our local tennis club when a group of young visitors took to the court naked. Shock! Horror! The club happens to be in a well lit thoroughfare so high fives all round. Personally I am disgusted. I mean why was I informed after the event? I would have happily volunteered to officiate the match because Gen Y needs rules, structure and guidance. On the other hand they can do without clothes.

Like this - only they were naked.

Like this – only they were naked.

Had I been there I would have declared every serve an Ace and the score to be Luv all. HONK!!!!!!!!!!!  I will refrain from making comments about pairs of furry balls because I am not that uncouth.

A visual metaphor

A visual metaphor

I demand a re-match with plenty of prior notification on social media. Meanwhile backpackers carry on, carry on!

Fantasy Getaway

Sometimes I find myself feeling disenchanted with my lot in life. Spending time at home with a four year old can do that to a person even if you have the world’s coolest four year old (as P2 is). To lift my spirits I have taken to looking at travel porn and recently discovered this in the Sydney Morning Herald.

Its not been photoshopped - it really is a pink beach!

Its not been photoshopped – the sand is really pink.

Its a pink beach on Komodo Island Indonesia, one of only seven in the world. The sand appears pink because it is littered with the shells of creatures called Foraminifera. If a pink beach is not remarkable enough for you, these guys can often be found strolling along it.

Komodo dragons - worlds largest lizard.

Komodo dragons – worlds largest lizard.

A pink beach criss crossed by dragons. It sounds like a truly mystical experience like something from a fantasy novel. All I know is I want to go – get me a plane ticket right now!

I could camp out in one of these.

I could camp out in one of these.

A crafty husband

Dadabulous has been playing with his wood again. He needed to furnish the new office but couldn’t find a board room table that he liked. Naturally he built one from scratch as you do. I swear if the guy ever needed a satellite he’d source the components on Ebay, cobble the thing together in our garage and launch it from the back yard.

if you build it they will come.

if you build it they will come.

So he built it.

Dadabs works magic with his wood.

Have you ever played nude tennis? Would you admit to it if you had?

Love

Mumabulous

Here’s that pink beach again.

Amazing.

Oh my!

And here’s Paul Bettany again.

Oh my.

Oh my!

25

Out Of Control

Normally I go about my daily business unconcerned about the reportage in the tattle rags but this headline gave me great cause for alarm.

Omigawd! Be alarmed!

Omigawd! Be alarmed!

Oh My!  KK’s butt is “out of control”. Does that mean KK’s famous derrière is a major threat to society? Has it morphed from a weapon of mass seduction into one of mass destruction? All I know is I’m worried.

This story conjures up the scenario deftly described in Andy Griffiths’ apocalyptic Bummageddon trilogy. The series starts with The Day My Mum Went Psycho – which is what KK’s appears to be doing right now! In the books twelve year old Zac Freeman is discombobulated (discom-BUM-ulated?) when his rear end keeps detaching itself and running away.  When he follows it one night he uncovers a global conspiracy (conspir-ASS-y?) of bottoms. The bums of the world are planning to render all of mankind unconscious by creating a planet wide fart. We can only hope for humanity’s sake that this is NOT what KK’s posterior has in mind.

KK's autobiography?

KK’s autobiography?

Meanwhile the Bummageddon series should be made into a movie franchise. It is hilarious (or as my father would say “a hairy ass”) and could turn KK into a major film star (because currently we are just not seeing enough of her ). Perhaps Miley Cyrus could co star as her rear end is not backward in coming forward. What are you waiting for Disney?

Miley comes forward backwards.

Miley comes forward backwards.

Speaking of bums – here is a well toned and bedazzled set.

Nice segue eh?

Nice segue eh?

I have not yet watched The Real Housewives of Melbourne or RHOM as it is affectionately known. However it has already taught me a thing or two. Firstly it has turned my preconceived ideas about Melbourne upside down. I apologize in advance to any Melbournites who may be reading for the gratuitous use of stereotypes. I thought that Melbourne prided itself of being a bastion of good taste, refinement and understated elegance unlike brash Sydney which has a harbor and beaches to compensate for it’s lack of couth. There’s nothing understated about the RHOM posse.

RHOM has also shown me what’s missing from my humble eastern beaches existence – SEQUINS and BLING. I probably should have learned this from the uber blog Faux Fuschia but there’s six real housewives so the message is amplified.  By contrast my life looks like this.

Real housewives of the eastern beaches.

Real housewives of the eastern beaches?

I wake up too late, throw a rumbled pair of khaki shorts over the Best and Less underwear I’ve slept in and do the school run before showering. Thankfully I have a hat and sunglasses to preserve my dignity. Being the eastern beaches everybody else manages to look effortlessly chic whilst doing the same thing. The real Real Housewives of the Eastern Beaches could be a blog piece in itself.

If RHOM is anything to go by its not only sartorial razzle dazzle that I lack.

One pair of angel wings - hunks included.

One pair of angel wings – hunks included.

I need to get me a set of angel wings and a pair of dark swarthy hunks to affix them. One hunk per wing is a pretty good ratio as far as I am concerned.

Finally in an argument which should be filed under “first world issues” Dadabs has forbade me from doing botox even though I am so ready for it. He views it as a vacuous and  narcissistic pursuit and believes inner beauty is far more important. ( He even says he doesnt care if I put on weight – bless him!). However for all his politically correct talk I suspect this is the real reason.

Dadabs would rather look at wrinkles.

Dadabs would rather look at wrinkles.

Have you watched the RHOM?

Do you share my concerns about KK’s renegade butt?

Love

Mumabulous

PS: I promise to raise the tone next week as I dont think I could go much lower.

Meanwhile – Richard Roxburgh! Nuff said.

RR med

32

A Man’s Company

This is one of my favorite jokes because it resonates with my personal experience.

Q: When does a woman enjoy a man’s company?

A: When he owns it.

Boom Tish

I’ve gone off to work in Dadabulous software development business. Who said that sleeping with the boss gets you nowhere? Doing the accounts for my husband would not have featured highly on my adolescent list of dream gigs. It would have been out ranked by more glamorous career options like foreign correspondent, Booker prize winning novelist, screen writer and massage therapist to Keanu Reeves. ( I had quite a thing for the dude back in 1989).

Keanu's performance in Bill and Ted's was topped only by his work in Point Break.

Keanu’s performance in Bill and Ted’s was topped only by his work in Point Break.

At the moment however its just too convenient an option. One’s own husband is the ultimate family friendly employer. I mean your boss is not going to get angry at you having to leave early to collect a sick child. Note this happened twice during my first week of being in the office.

So far it is OK. Keeping tabs on our money is something I care deeply about. On the downside for not the first time in my working life I have been plunged well and truly in the deep end. I’m doing a job where I have no experience using a system I am unfamiliar with. The previous book keeper left a big mess and there’s no one to show me the ropes. Once again I’m in clean up mode and the pace is glacially slow. Why does it always seem to fall upon a woman to sort this shite out? At least the amounts I have to reconcile are in the tens of thousands rather than the millions which was the case when I was working for a big arsed American investment bank.

Dadabulous - if Dadabulous looked like Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs.

Dadabulous – but Ashton is not as cute as Dadabs even when playing Steve Jobs.

Between work and finishing my TAFE course blogging has somewhat diminished as a priority. So I’ll leave you with a few random thoughts. Some of you claim to enjoy those.

Bieber Fever

Here’s a bandwagon that I had no desire to climb on but Dadabulous’ reaction to the whole Bieber debacle surprised me. One evening over dinner he declared with a hearty chuckle “Justin Bieber – what a legend!”. The remarkable thing about this comment was that he actually knew who Justin Bieber was. Most pop culture sails comfortably over his radar. He remains entirely oblivious Twerkgate and thinks the Kardashians are Star Trek villains.  By stark contrast he was able to recount Bieber’s Ferrari racing incident in great detail and made reference to some of his other misdeeds like being caught with a private jet full of weed. “He’s f#$king awesome. He just does whatever he feels like and there’s no consequences ” Dadabulous concluded.  Bemused I asked “Surely you can’t like his music?”. “Oh does he sing?”

He's got a Ferrari but he's too young to drive. Dont you just hate him.

He’s got a Ferrari but he’s too young to drive. Dont you just hate him.

I think many of us watch these celebrity train wrecks with a heady mixture of amusement, disgust and jealousy. Who wouldn’t want to do whatever the fork they feel like, whenever the fork they feel like it with whom ever the fork they please? Most of us refrain because we realize that actions have consequences. Some of us even have a sense of common decency. Bieber merrily lacks both these qualities and is living an unadulterated dream (for now at least). We love to hate him and hate to love him for it – unless of course you are part of the happy few who couldn’t give a toss.

I’m excited

Folks I’m excited. Alexander Skarsgard has been cast as Tarzan in a movie. You know what that means? – an entire movie with ASkars romping around the jungle in leopard skin jocks.

Reimagine this scene with ASkars and Margaret Robbie.

Reimagine this scene with ASkars and Margaret Robbie.

Actually that’s not why I am excited but I bet some of you are now.  I am all a quiver because there’s been a significant break-through in stem cell research. Over the past few months Japanese researchers have developed a relatively simple technique to make ordinary adult cells revert to an embryonic state. This means they can grow into any type of bodily cell. According to paper published in Nature the team took cells mice transformed them into stem cells and reinjected them into mouse embryos. They found that the engineered cells integrated perfectly into the bodies of the developing mouse pups.  If the method can be replicated in humans the implications are huge. It potentially means that we’ll be able to kick start damaged organs into regenerating themselves. Its important to keep in mind that this is very early days and the research is being subject to intense scrutiny. Even if it can be proven to work in humans it will be many years before it can used in any practical sense. Still having stuff like this on the horizon gives me reason for great hope. Perhaps we’ll have a future where the blind can be made to see again, paraplegics will have their damaged spines repaired and cancer and alzheimers will be historical relics. That’s more exciting than ASkars – a little bit. In the meantime I predict that sales of leopard skin jocks will skyrocket.

Reasons to be cheerful

Reasons to be cheerful

Love

Mumabulous

PS: Do I even have to say that I would prefer to see Fassbender as Tarzan? That would have me swinging from a vine screaming “Aaaah Aaaaah, Aaaaaaaaaah!” Much like this really…..

Katy-Perry-Roar-Music-Video-HD--14med

 

22

How To Be A Dirty Old Lady

I wandered into one of my local coffee establishments and casually flipped through a publication entitled “Living The Dream”. I mistakenly thought it was an advertorial about coastal real estate when in fact it was a how to manual for grey nomads. It made me realize how tantalizingly close I am to fulfilling a long held dream of my own – the dream of becoming a dirty old lady. I’m ploughing into my mid 40s and analysis by the Ponds Institute has shown that my wrinkles are 15% deeper than they were a few years ago. I’ve even sprouted a few fresh ones. In the meantime I’m sure you’ll agree I haven’t become any more respectable – at least not on the inside where it counts.

Being a dirty old lady is an ignoble goal for us all to aspire to and if I can do it anyone can. Here are my best tips on how you too can live the dream of being of being a dirty old lady eastern beaches style.

1) Two of your attributes should be increasing in size as you age. They are your sunglasses and your husband’s bank balance. What did you think I was talking about dahling?

Your sunglasses like your husband's bank balance, can never be too big.

Your sunglasses like your husband’s bank balance, can never be too big.

2) Identify your worst bodily asset and flaunt the heck out of it. Afterall the Kim Kardashian has built an entire industry out of doing just that.

If it can work for KK it can work for Mumabs!

If it can work for KK it can work for Mumabs!

3) Be sure to wear your exercise gear when you frequent your local cafes. People will think your wealthy husband is funding your gym and coffee habit and you wouldn’t want to do anything to discourage this impression.

The right look for your local cafe.

The right look for your local cafe.

While we are on this topic

4) Female only gyms? Ha Ha Ha – That’s hilarious. You really had me going there.

5) Do not attend exercise classes. Do you really want to be in a room with 20 other women who are hawter than you? Go instead to the free weights area. Those boys will appreciate the audience.

Dont deprive him of an audience.

Dont deprive him of an audience.

6) Is your beach dominated by svelte honey skinned teenagers? ( I say YOUR beach because YOU like totally own it). Don’t be intimidated. Intimidate them right back by wearing skimpy bikinis for maximum cellulite exposure.

My cossies - be afraid! Be very afraid!

My cossies – be afraid! Be very afraid!

Alternatively out-bling the whippersnappers with your kaftan collection.

The louder the better

The louder the better

Do you need more inspiration? Here are some absolutely fabulous role models.

ab fab med

Sweetie dahling.

Being a man does not stop Dame Edna from being a dirty old lady.

Being a man does not stop Dame Edna from being a dirty old lady.

Betty White comes in like a wrecking ball. Isn't she gorgeous!

Betty White comes in like a wrecking ball. Isn’t she gorgeous!

I wanna rock it this hard when I'm 74!

I wanna rock it this hard when I’m 74!

I want to buy a motor bike with a side car and take off on a foodie adventure.

I want to buy a motor bike with a side car and take off on a foodie adventure.

The Queen of Dirty!

The Queen of Dirty!

Have you got any tips for me?

Who are your favorite dirty old ladies?

Love

Mumabulous

17

Tween Angst

According to my 6 (and a half) year old P1 this is a very uncool lunch box. Apparently your lunch box you  is a factor determining the pecking order in the playground. When I picked this up in Target I was unaware that I was purchasing social death for my child. In retrospect the fact that I was in Target should have given me the heads up. I guess as a mother I am an ignor-anus which is defined by the Dags Dictionary* as someone who is both ignorant and an asshole.

How uncool is this lunchbox?

How uncool is this lunchbox?

By contrast this lunch box is acceptable. Naturally P1 and P2 are squabbling over ownership. Don’t ask me why. To my parental eyes its like comparing Ryans Reynolds and Goslings. I can see very little difference in it myself and who cares when Fassbender is twice as hawt as both of them put together.**

This is socially acceptable - who knew?

This is socially acceptable – who knew?

I am informed that the Fassbender of the lunch box universe is the Smiggle range. (That wasn’t intended to sound rude but you’ve got to agree the words “Fassbender” and “lunchbox” belong in the same sentence) This was decreed by the arbiter of good taste and sophistication that is the girl’s eight year old cousin. No parental reasoning can stand in the way of that opinion. The tribe has spoken and it said “thou shalt have Smiggle”. I resisted P1′s whining and pleading for this particular number and now she has to deal with the daily humiliation of eating her play lunch from a lame pussy cat shaped vessel. I am well on my way to becoming a fully fledged embarrassing cow of a mother. Imagine how diabolical I will be by the time the girls hit their teen years. Mwah Ha Ha.

P1's object of desire

P1′s object of desire

With the new school year just commenced P1 has begrudgingly accepted the pussy cat face but only because “it will fall apart soon” . I guess I will be seeing you in Smiggle.

Another rite of passage signifying the transformation from tot to tween is the switch from ABC 4 Kids to ABC 3. P1 has deemed ABC 4 Kids “too babyish” and refuses to have it on. P2 echoes this sentiment but happily watches Play School when P1 is not around. If it has not happened yet in your household it will soon. It won’t be long before you too will be pondering whether the mildly risque but highly surreal material your child is watching is really age appropriate. Fans of Jimmy Giggle and/or Sportacus may find their child’s shift in viewing habits a little disappointing. Rest assured there is el mucho eye candy on ABC3. The problem is that the ABC3 crumpet looks like it can’t legally drink yet. Go ahead and oogle. You’ll make Stifler’s Mom proud.

This is you watching ABC3

This is you watching ABC3

P1′s current obsession is the program Total Drama Island. She loves this Survivor parody despite having no clue about the original Survivor. Apart from being an avalanche (sometimes literally) of toilet humor the show has introduced her prematurely to the world of teen dating and relating. It has also taught her some slightly dirty ditties. The other day she came out with “Hey Mum – Beans beans – they’re good for the heart”. I cut her off with “Yes I know that one darling” and we both cackled like grotty school boys. To top it off the show has given P1 her very first crush – the bad boy Duncan.  Last weekend at the beach I caught her writing in the sand with a stick “I love Duncan”. Better that than Justin Beiber. Like any worthwhile fan girl she has done her own artistic interpretation of her idol.

In case you cant tell P1's drawing is on the left.

In case you cant tell P1′s drawing is on the left.

Now I hate parents who blow smoke about their child’s talent as much as the next person but seriously I think its a really good drawing. Mock if you will but I think there’s some real artistic ability there.

Are you experiencing Tween Angst?

* Dags Dictionary by Richard Glover is a book about words that should exist – but don’t. With nearly 400 freshly minted words, and based on the hit ABC radio game.

dags_dictionary

** Some may disagree with this assessment but I have put my subjective opinion into a simple mathematical formula. You can’t argue with the math!

Michael Fassbender = 2 x ( Ryan Reynolds + Ryan Goslings)