The pool. Its a term that evokes all kinds of idyllic fantasies. In my personal favorite I am snoozing on a banana lounge beside some generic fancy schmancy resort pool. That picture in itself would be enough to satisfy most Mums but this is Mumabulous.
There’s more. I’m snoozing my heart out when out of nowhere pops Jermaine Clement (you thought Fass was involved didn’t you?) wielding a tray of exotic cocktails. He pauses, looks at me and asks in his deep sensuous voice “Excuse me Ma’am but do like Pina Coladas?” I rally the energy to raise a quizzical eyebrow when Bret McKenzie appears. He picks up the tune shaking his maracas.
“If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you’d like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape.”
Not only do I a get a personal show from Flight of the Conchords, I get pina coladas by the pool. Meanwhile Dadabulous is off somewhere playing Dungeons and Dragons so in the words of Hot Chocolate – “Everyone’s a winner baby”.
Sadly reality is a bitch that bites. A trip to the local public pool is nowhere near this much fun. All too often its no fun at all. Its a trial that has to be endured for the sake of your kids learning to swim. So you get kitted up and make the trek through the turnstile. You reach the pool only to realize that you should have been issued with a gas mask. The chlorine fumes in the enclosed space are almost enough to throw you into a coma.
Then comes the moment you’ve really been dreading – stripping down to your swimsuit. Luckily you don’t have too much time to devote to the big reveal. Its more like throwing your kaftan aside whilst you chase your fearless three year old to the waters edge. Self conciousness and watching toddlers don’t belong in the same sentence. Nevertheless as you wobble about in the shallows you cant help but notice with some relief that cellulite is like opinions. Everybody’s got some – except for a few freaks who you dont want to talk to anyway. You may, if you’re lucky like me, note that your husband isn’t doing too badly for his age. He is still carrying the outline of a six pack in a sea full of kegs. Better still he’s respectably clad in board shorts where as other slightly pudgy Dads think that brightly coloured Speedos are a good idea.
Occasionally however, you come across a briefly attired Dad who is also a hunk. It is a sub-species I have classified as the “dhunk”. These encounters can be painfully awkward. You grin moronically as your toddlers clash over a pool floatie. You struggle to avert your gaze from his chiseled torso for fear of being sprung by a) his wife and/or b) your husband. Afterall heaven help your man if you catch him ogling some bikini clad babe. Particularly if it happens to be one of the few cellulite free freaks! Grrrrrrrrrr.
The awkwardness of being in a confined watery space with a crowd of undressed parents pales in comparison with the horror that is the pool toilets. You can ignore your toddler squatting suggestively in the shallows. Its not kosher but who hasn’t done it? However there are some calls of nature that can’t be ignored – specifically your own. Negotiating a wet swimsuit in the loo is like a gym work out in itself. Inevitably the floor is flooded and you end up dipping your pristine towel in a sodden dirty mess. Also these places are invariably run by the local council who are known to economize on toilet paper. It is always single ply, about one molecule thick and like a meteorite disintegrates upon impact.
After finally dragging your kids wrinkled like prunes from the water the least you can hope for is a decent cup of coffee and a snack right? No cigar. The coffee and cake selection at the local pool is usually industrial grade. Like Laura Palmer your stale slabs of banana bread come wrapped in plastic. * I’m an Eastern beaches princess for crying out loud. I demand quality coffee and oven fresh baked goods everywhere.
Are you over public swimming pools? Or do you have a cheeky poolside fantasy you would like to share? Go on I’ve shown you mine.
* A reference to the cult TV show Twin Peaks 1990-91.
Its a little known fact that the 1979 hit The Pina Colada song was actually written by Flight Of The Conchords. They were precious talents. Here they are now proving that a middle aged Mum can be titillated whilst ROFLing.