The Heebie Jebbies

I was planning to give you yet another informative and helpful post about making the most of you money but life got in the way this week. That’s the great thing about personal blogging – you don’t have to stick to a brief, especially a self imposed one. Anyhoo do you really want to learn how to invest like a boss when you can be entertained by my fluff and nonsense? Here are some of the small first world things that are giving me a case of the heebie jeebies (as opposed to Hee Bee Gee Bees who were awesome in a Weird Al Yankovic kinda way).

I said I had the heebie jeebies!

I said I had the heebie jeebies!

I get around: These new fangled bus tickets are superior to their flimsy cardboard predecessors. The old MyBus tickets would disintegrate like perishable goods leaving fragments among the general detritus at the bottom of my handbag. Their only redeeming feature was the fact that you only had to dunk the things once when boarding the bus. Under the new Opal regime you have to clock on and off! It’s too much for my addled brain to deal with. All too often I only remember to “tap off” when I’m mid way through  the door. This brings on a Gangnam Style dance as a I simultaneously forage through my bag and land on the footpath. The sooner we get microchips containing all this shite embedded in our foreheads the better. Bring on the future!

Come on, come on. Do the Opal shuffle.

Come on, come on. Do the Opal shuffle.

Mumabs on the pick up:  Do your kids do this?

Guess who has to pick that up.

Guess who has to pick that up.

My five year old re-enacts that jocks and socks scene from Risky Business at the end of every single school day. I really would not mind  if she could deposit her worn uniform in the laundry basket.  It’s probably a genetic issue.  Dadabulous too has a defective domestic GPS. He can’t seem to navigate the route between the bed and the laundry hamper. Here’s a hint for you Dadabs – its conveniently located by the entrance to the walk-in closet!

Not even close!

Not even close!

Meanwhile I’m a cougar who picks up every day!

Decisions, decisions: Friday nights are difficult. Just how does one choose between Shiraz and Shiraz Cabernet?

So many issues to consider. So little time.

So many issues to consider. So little time.

 I’m one of the plastics: Like Kim Kardashian I have discovered that plastic is fantastic.  I recently added this fabulousness to my shoe collection.

Cherry bomb

Cherry bomb

Sadly Dadabulous who has an exceptionally sensitive nose, can’t abide their smell and they have been banished to the back deck.

Dadabs leave pass: I can not wait until Dadabs next gets together with his man posse for a Dungeons and Dragons gaming weekend. This is because the Dungeon master (who is a mild mannered optometrist by day) is has pirated Game of Thrones. Dadabs refuses to pirate anything. He thinks its a bad look for an internationally renowned software developer. Thank the laws of physics for geek friends.  I’ve been subsisting on a TV diet of one episode of Vikings per week! I am simply not getting the recommended dosage of hawt men in leather wielding swords.

Tank boy: Meanwhile Dadabs invested in a number of cut price DVDs from JB Hi Fi. According to Dadabs’ posse this film’s depiction of World War 2 tanks is as accurate as a Hollywood movie can possibly get. So thanks my husband’s enthusiasm for war memorabilia I get to cop an eyeful of Brad Pitt. Alas – it’s a shame that I’m not that into Brad Pitt.

Oh my! What big guns!

Oh my! What big guns!

I am however into Damien Lewis. Well played Dadabs.

Damien Lewis - husband sanctioned perving!

Damien Lewis – husband sanctioned perving!

This is husband sanctioned perving as I was smart enough to point out the physical resemblance between Dadabs and Damien. Win Win.

What’s giving you the heebie jeebies.





Lets Talk About Money

The gender pay gap is a well known and depressing fact. Research by the University of Canberra has found that over the course of a lifetime the average Australian woman can expect to earn approximately $1m less than the average male. Throw in a university degree and the deficit leaps to $1.5m – which is kinda sucky. It will come as no great surprise that Australia also boasts a significant (and stubborn) gender wealth gap across all age groups. A study has revealed that in 2010, single men’s wealth was on average 23% higher than single women’s wealth holdings.* The sad thing is this disparity has grown over the past ten years. With many women taking time out of the workforce to care for children things only get worse over our lifetimes and women end up retiring with 43% less super than men.**

Believe it or not there are better ways to manage your cash.

Believe it or not there are better ways to manage your cash.

It seems that part of the problem (according to the interwebs anyhow) is that women are still less confident with money and are not taking an interest in investing (either in property, shares of otherwise). Of course this is a generalization but its the vibe I’m getting from the interwebs. The message that women are lagging behind men in financial literacy is coming over loud and clear. Here’s a couple of snippets.

From Amanda Steinberg – CEO and Founder of Daily Worth

As women, we’ve been socialized to think we’re bad with money, or that engaging with money is somehow ‘unfeminine,’” Ms. Steinberg explained. “It’s ironic that a gender typically so concerned with health, wellness and family security would also be averse to understanding the fundamentals of investing.

Then there’s this from a report by the Australian Financial Literacy Association.

This report tells us that many women already have the budgeting and saving habits that are essential to putting yourself in charge of your money. When it comes to investing, planning for the future and retirement – all the things that allow you to take control of your money in the longer term – women are less confident in their ability.

And finally this from the Australian Workplace Gender Equality Agency.

Research by the ANZ Bank identified that women, as a social group, had lower levels of financial literacy than men. The Australian Divorce Transitions Survey similarly found that women were less knowledgeable than men about the value of their superannuation and their partner’s superannuation. Other research showed that while women were generally confident in their abilities to manage money on a day-to-day basis, and were aware of the need to provide for their retirement, they were less confident than men in their abilities to make long term investment decisions, and tended to be conservative in any investment decisions they did make.

I don’t know about you but I this stuff is making my want to do a Sir Patrick Stewart face palm. Actually make mine a double.

doublefacepalm med

As dire as this sounds I am not 100% convinced that it is true. I qualify this by ashamedly admitting that over the last few years I have been lost in the haze of child rearing and have taken my eye off the money ball. Nevertheless I am a statistical sample of one – not proof of anything. I’d like to turn the question over to the blog reading public.

Do you ladies and man (Yes you – Tunnel Ed – the only male reader of this blog), believe that women are less financially competent than men? Do you have investments under your own name? Do you have equal input into the big financial decision of your household?

When it comes to managing your money, what are your greatest concerns? Is it getting rid of that pesky mortgage, saving enough for retirement, covering your kids’ education? All of the above?

How are you tackling these problems?

What would you like to learn more about?




Miley shorts the USD

Miley shorts the USD  (very bad financial pun)


Preferable to leaving it in the bank with interest rates the way they are.

Preferable to leaving it in the bank with interest rates the way they are.




Oh my! How did that get there?

Oh my! How did that get there?


Smash your power bill in five steps

Environmentally friendly technologies are usually associated with smug, inner city techno- hipster types but what if I were to tell you that they can save you an absolute bomb in the long run? Going green is a great option for those who are as concerned about their family’s bottom line as they are about the environment. Here at Chez Abulous we managed to slash our electricity bill by 85% with a little work and upfront investment. That’s not a misprint. Until Dadabs took matters into his own hands our electricity bill was around $1,000 per quarter. Our latest quarterly bills were closer to $100. In effect we’ve saved around $3,500 per year.  Whilst this may not buy me a Prada handbag it covers my cappuccino, chocolate and wine habits – just.

Here are the five steps we took to achieve this.

1) Solar panels: Besides marrying me having solar (photovoltaic) panels installed is arguably the best thing Dadabs has ever done in his domestic life. Our solar panels pretty much cover all of the home’s electricity needs during the day light hours. Occasionally we even over generate and sell power back to the grid. This means that the house is actually making us (a small amount of ) money instead of sucking it remorselessly from our bank accounts.

The Federal government currently provides incentive to install solar panels through the Small Scale Renewable Energy Scheme (SRES). Under this plan households (or small businesses and community groups) who install eligible systems are allocated a number of Small Scale Technology Certificates (STCs) which are mini-carbon credits. The number of certificates issued depends upon the amount of power the system is expected to generate over a 15 year period.  The householder can then  assign the STCs to a registered agent for an upfront incentive – usually a discount on the installation price. Otherwise they can sell the STCs themselves through the Clearing House (like a stock market specifically for these instruments). Most people opt for the upfront discount because the Clearing House route is frankly a long winded pain in the bum.

Let these guys heat things up for you.

Let these guys heat things up for you.

2) Rejigging the hot water system: Here’s where smart metering comes in handy. Dadabs happened to notice that our electric hot water system was heating during peak periods when power is more expensive. We were frankly being ripped off. We arranged for the system to be put on a timer so that the heating took place over night in the off-peak period when power is considerably cheaper.

We then decided to do away with the whole thing and install a solar hot water system instead. Now we can enjoy long hot showers any time we please without our electricity retailer benefiting. Its a good thing when you bath your kids in a double spa the size of a small swimming pool. As with the photovoltaic panels, solar hot water systems are covered by the SRES, offsetting the cost of installation.  Some state governments also offer other rebates for solar hot water but sadly NSW is not one of them. Bastards!


3) Installing LED lighting: Those new fangled LED lights that you’ve heard about are more expensive than traditional incandescent and halogen lights. However independent tests indicate that they are up to 80% cheaper to run. There are a number of state government based schemes that offer incentives for households to switch from halogen downlights to LEDs which are similar in nature to the solar rebates.

In a massive military style operation we replaced almost every light bulb in the house with LEDs. Yes – it was an expensive exercise but we are reaping the benefits now.

Oh my! Check out the wattage on that.

Oh my! Check out the wattage on that.

4) Switching stuff off: This one is a no brainer. We did a quick inventory and found that we were continuously running systems that we simply did not need. Our security system was running 24/7. Not any more. Similarly the previous owners had put in an automatic sprinkler system which we simply turned off. Other appliances like sub woofers, a bar fridge, the media center and the printer were chewing up energy for no good reason. We flicked the switch.

5) Use efficient appliances: This one is also very straight forward. As your appliances die a natural death replace them with energy efficient models. The mandatory Energy Rating Label (ERL) makes this task easy. The more stars displayed on the label at the point of sale the more efficient the product. Items with over six stars are considered ‘super efficient’.

Not everyone is in a position to throw a few thousand dollars at solar panels, solar hot water heating and brand new appliances but there is still plenty of things you can do to keep your costs down. Although the thought of it may make your eyes glaze over, its worth while to go through your electricity bill with a fine tooth comb. There’s a good chance that the plan you are on is not optimal for you. The electricity companies purposely make their plans so complicated and painful that deters the average person from questioning them. It is time consumers stood up to this treatment. At the very least you can ring your electricity provider and threaten to leave. Its remarkable how quickly they will offer you a discount which could save you hundreds of dollars per year.

Don't give these guys any more than you have to.

Don’t give these guys any more than you have to.


Electricity – its not sexy but saving serious money sure is.

Have you got any power saving tips to share.








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Seven is the new Fourteen.


Meanwhile at Mother & Baby

Recently I took my eldest daughter to a seven-year-old’s birthday party. The scene was vastly different to what would have occurred only two years ago.

There was not a sequin nor a scrap of tulle in sight. The event was free of Disney princesses and there wasn’t a set of fairy wings in site.

Instead the lovely, young ladies frolicked about in fashionable shorts and stylish tops. Much of their conversation centred on their favourite pop stars like Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and the fate of One Direction. Naturally, gossip about absent classmates was rife.



The Secret to a Happy Marriage

The social media outrage-ometre nearly shattered last week – such was the level outrage generated by a number of outrageously outrageous comments. Firstly Detective Inspector Mick Hughes advised women to avoid venturing into parks alone. Then John Laws publicly humiliated an elderly caller who rang in to talk about his experience as an abused child. There’s been a huge call for people to boycott Law’s program and I can say with some smugness that I am way ahead of the curve . I’ve been boycotting John Laws all my life …….. and Alan Jones and Kyle Sandilands.  Tony Abbott compared Bill Shorten to Joseph Goebbels which generated some outrage (seriously when will people learn not to talk about the war). However for my money it was a lame analogy – Nazi propaganda actually worked.

Whilst all of this was pretty bad, peak outrage was reserved for Hollywood actress Eva Mendes (best known for her role as main squeeze to uber-crumpet Ryan Gosling) when she said…. wait for it……………

“You can’t do sweatpants … ladies, No. 1 cause of divorce in America, sweatpants, no!”

The sweatpant-gate story broke on the 18th March and as at the date of writing (21st of March) it is still trending. Three days is a veritable eternity in social media land. Eva and Ryan have both to taken to Twitter to declare the whole thing a joke and re-avow their love of  sweat pants. Nevertheless so much wrong with the original statement.

For starters – lets not call them sweat pants. They are track suit pants. From now on I will refer to them in the Australian idiom as trakka dakkas. Secondly trakka dakkas far from being a leading cause of divorce, are the primary reason for marriages hanging together. I need to emphasize that I am not talking about shiny new, brand name gym wear. I am talking about pizza stained, worn at the knees, grey monstrosities from K-mart. Men get married so that they can sit on the couch, one hand holding a beer, the other slipped neatly within the straining waist elastic of their daggiest trakka dakkas watching the football and still score semi-regular sex. To even the most shameless of players, marriage means having the luxury of hanging up ones skinny jeans, pointy toed boots and smart casual blazer in favor of lounge wear bearing the Bonds label. Trakkas teamed with thick fluffy socks and a low rent polar fleece are a sign of a very strong marriage.

Tom Jones has been married to his wife Melinda since 1957

Tom Jones has been married to his wife Melinda since 1957

For women having to cook and clean on a daily basis is a small price to pay for the privilege of discarding one’s hooker heels and panty hose for  fleecy lined comfort. (Please forgive my sexist generalization here – if a man had written that he’d be shot down in flames. It’s my second favorite double standard*). Nothing is more flattering to a man than to come home from a hard days work to find his wife slaving over a hot stove alluringly clad in his trakka dakkas, polar fleece and thick socks.

Kimye is rock solid.

Kimye is rock solid.

I am personally concerned about the stability of my marriage because I don’t wear trakka dakkas often. (Shock confession I know). I have a Beyonce butt and the things tend to gape around the waste. Generally I stick to teaming Best & Less leggings with  my husband’s fleece and socks. I can’t tell you how much he loves this look. I really can’t.  He likes it almost as much as my cougar pants. I extrude so much raw heat and sensuality in my elastic waisted leopard skin print shorts that Dadabs has to fight to contain his lust.

“You can’t resist my cougar pants” I tease. “I think I can” he replies but I can tell it is taking every last ounce of self control.

Cougar pants - keeps the spark alive.

Cougar pants – keeps the spark alive.

I am sure that there are millions of couples out there feeling jaded and contemplating a split but the thought of having to give up their trakka dakkas for more restrictive garments is too much to bear. It is simply easier to work on the relationship than change one’s pants.

How’s your relationship with your trakka dakkas?

What’s your secret to a lasting marriage.



** My second favorite double standard is that I can post pictures of shirtless hunks with out being called a misandrist. Its awesome.

If my husband wants to laze around the house like this I'm good with it.

If my husband wants to laze around the house like this I’m good with it.

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The Mums of Sydney’s Eastern Beaches

I’m over at Mother & Baby today talking about the Real Housewives of Sydney’s Eastern Beaches

Warning: This article contains clichés and stereotypes

Being a housewife in Sydney’s Eastern Beaches is awesome. There’s a stunning vista everywhere you look from The Gap to Maroubra.

A quality, barista-made coffee is never further than twenty paces away. On top of all that it’s a cultural melting pot with a great diversity of upwardly-mobile, middle class types.

Here are some of the characters I encounter in my community every day.



Rectal-Cranial Inversion Syndrome

According to Diki-pedia* Rectal Cranial Inversion Syndrome (RCIS) is a medical condition whereby an individual’s head becomes lodged (at varying depths) in their rectum. Symptoms include visual impairment resulting from the heads location in the anal cavity. This means the sufferer completely fails to see another persons point of view and/or fails to grasp a logical argument. Often the condition manifests in the victim not realizing that they appear a complete tosser to the world at large.

RCIS has been the scourge of humanity for time immemorial but it has received surprisingly little scholarly attention until now. A large scale international study by a team at the University of Knob End has culminated with the release of a seminal paper.  The work titled ‘You too could be suffering RCIS and U2 almost certainly are’ was published to much world wide academic fanfare. The central finding was that 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of people have at some stage of their lives suffered the condition. Infact the only person who has never ever been afflicted with RCIS is Mother Teresa.

The good news is that whilst most people come down with recurring bouts of RCIS, they are able to extract their cranium from the rectum and resume life as decent citizens. Sadly however it was found that approximately 10% of the population have their heads wedged up their butts for most of their lifetimes and a further 5% face the darkness permanently.  For the majority of the population RCIS resolves spontaneously but for those more severely afflicted it can be extremely difficult to treat. Exercises designed to give the body greater strength and flexibility such as yoga, pilates and barre appear to exacerbate the condition. Nor has diet proved to be of any assistance. Super foods such as kale, quinoa and goji berries only worsen symptoms.

A diet rich in kale has been found to worse RCIS symptoms.

A diet rich in kale has been found to worse RCIS symptoms**

Whilst it is difficult to count the full  economic and social cost of RCIS, it certainly elevates stress levels in the community. There is no shortage of anecdotal evidence about the frustration that RCIS causes. For example my normally even tempered husband’s stress levels went through the roof when an RCIS sufferer parked across our driveway and stayed there all day.  He was forced to call the local council – an institution which itself is populated by RCIS sufferers.

The report brought to light the following facts:

  • RCIS has a remarkable propensity to strike individuals when they are behind the wheel of a car, waiting at the airport or using the self service checkouts at Colesworths.
  • RCIS almost certainly afflicts the person in front of you in the queue for the ATM.
  • There is a 95% chance that your ex partner had a severe case.
  • Many people believe their in-laws have it.
  • There’s a 75% chance that your current boss has it.
  • Everyone on the side of politics that you didn’t vote for is terribly afflicted by RCIS.
  • You’re beginning to think that the side of politics you did vote for has it too.
  • The cop who slapped you with that speeding fine had the worst case of RCIS you have ever experienced.
  • RCIS is over represented in certain professions eg: bankers, lawyers, real estate agents etc
  • Entire government departments are comprised of RCIS victims eg ATO, Centrelink.
  • Facebook has RCIS. We are not talking about Facebook users although RCIS victims are highly concentrated on social media. Facebook, the actual social media platform, has its metaphorical head permanently implanted between its metaphorical buttocks. Facebook is always changing its esoteric algorithms and is purposefully reducing your organic reach. It’s conspiring to make you “pay to publicize.”

RCIS suffers  can look like this.

Typical RCIS suffers

Typical RCIS sufferers***

or this

RCIS is over represented on talk back radio.

RCIS is over represented on talk back radio.

or this

Arguably Australia's worst case of RCIS.

Arguably Australia’s worst case of RCIS.

Early adoption of technology is a classic symptom of RCIS. Only two years ago those with the condition could be easily identified by the conspicuous wearing of Google Glass.

Google glass? Check. Waxed mustache? Check. A confirmed case of RCIS.

Google glass? Check. Waxed mustache? Check. A confirmed case of RCIS.

These days the  Apple Watch is a definite sign.


Beware the Apple Watch.

Beware the Apple Watch.

Is someone in your life afflicted with this insidious condition?

How has RCIS affected you?




* I dont know whether Diki-pedia actually exists. I am too scared to look.

**If there’s a photo of naked men reclining in kale on the interwebs I am the blogger who is going to find it.

*** Meanwhile I love the Bondi Hipsters. I am not sure what that says about me.