If Colleen McCullough’s woeful obituary in The Australian (Murdoch – of course) hasn’t broken the internet this week, its at least bent it over and given it a good spanking. Everyone with a social media profile has weighed in. Naturally I’m going to add my little bit to the pile. That McCullough’s “plain” and “overweight” appearance was noted before any of her considerable achievements was simply rude and disrespectful.
So the woman didn’t look like Miranda Kerr. Not many of us do. Nor can many of us be a respected neuroscientist at Yale as well as a best selling author but Colleen McCullough nailed both.
When Miranda Kerr eventually sashays off to the Victoria’s Secret runway in the sky her her obituary will be probably gush about her extraordinary beauty. Imagine the uproar if her send off went something like this –
“Reportedly not the sharpest tool in the shed, Miranda Kerr won the genetic lottery and was freakishly beautiful of face and figure. Her uncommon good looks enabled her to amass a personal fortune of $35m through her various modelling contracts and line of skin care products. After separating from her husband, Hollywood actor and smokin’ hawt crumpet Orlando Bloom, she was romantically linked to billionaires such as James Packer and Steve Bing. In a career highlight, her raunchy photo spread in British GQ was artfully lampooned by the Bondi Hipsters.”
I need to clarify that I don’t actually believe that Miranda Kerr is stupid. Beautiful or not, an individual needs a certain amount acumen to build a massively successful brand. I’m doing this to show what things would look like if brains and achievement were valued as much as physical appearances.
Similarly what if men were judged primarily by their looks? The obituaries page of The Age might read something like this in the not too distant future.
Let start with Miranda’s rumored beau James Packer.
This overweight Cranbrook boy inherited a seven billion dollar fortune from his father media mogul Kerry Packer. Sadly, he also inherited his father’s unappealing reptilian features and tubby body. An academic underachiever, James Packer did not have the marks to go to university so he readied himself for the business world with a stint as a jackaroo Heck – even his contemporary Lachlan Murdoch is a crumpet with an Arts degree from Princeton.
Being a billionaire he attracted a string of buxom beauties. He had two marriages – both to super models – Jodhi Meares and Erica Baxter. Sadly his glamorous wives did not stick around despite the absurdly opulent lifestyle. Perhaps it had something to do with his involvement in Scientology?
Though at a cursory glance he seamed like a non-entity, James must have done something right or least surrounded himself with good people. He managed to maintain the value of his inheritance through the GFC. His decision to divest his media assets and build a casino empire was astute (though morally questionable). However he will best be remembered for his rumored dalliance with super model Miranda Kerr. The question on everyone’s lips being -‘ how could she shag that after being with Orlando Bloom? Orlando Bloom is some A grade crumpet.’
He wasn’t known as “vile Kyle” for nothing. As a young man he was average of feature. The years however were not kind and he became obese and utterly repugnant. Ironically he lambasted the much loved comedian Magda Subanski over her weight. That Kyle Sandilands’ radio show was a consistent ratings winner speaks volumes about the intelligence of the Australian population. (Note not in a good way).
Kyle was a masterful shock jock, expert at garnering public attention by utterances as mean spirited as they were inane. Nevertheless despite only having a talent for revulsion, Kyle was a judge on Australian’s Got Talent and the X-Factor – again a sad indictment upon middle Australia. It was little wonder that his first wife, pop starlet wannabe Tamara Jaber, dumped his ever expanding arse. His partnership with 22 year old model Imogen Anthony made the Australian public gag. It was almost as nauseating as Dr Geoffrey Edelston and his string of child paramours.
Tony Abbott was a wing nut to rival Prince Charles. The man’s ears were infeasibly large. Despite much evidence to the contrary ( labelling climate science “crap” and removing the carbon tax) Tony Abbott did much to fight global warming. His ears were so big they blocked out the sun. It is a little known fact that telecommunications experts considered installing him on the roof of Parliament House to ensure flawless FoxTel reception. A human double satellite dish as it were.
Tony Abbott had three very attractive daughters. The public wondered how it could be genetically possible and suspected intervention by the milk man.
Of course Tony Abbott’s life can not be celebrated without paying homage to the banana hammocks he wore with pride. He was an ambassador for the iconic Aussie swimwear brand Speedo, whether they liked it or not. Even though Tony Abbott was a wing nut in budgie smugglers he rose to the rank of Prime Minister – for a while at least.
Russell Crowe was born in New Zealand in 1964. Australia is thus absolved of all responsibility.
Museum curators are calling for Bob Hawke’s preserved carcass to be put on public display. It seems a fitting tribute to a man who was permanently pickled during his life.
So many great Australians who aren’t dead yet and so little time.
Who would you like to see an honest obituary for? How would your own read?