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I Should Write A Self Help Book

Ten years ago I viewed my life (quite wrongly in hindsight) as a colossal disaster. If the term “epic failure” had been part of the parlance back then, I would have adopted it as my personal motto. The reason for my misery was simple –  I was thirty three and single. Now I’m almost forty three and married with kids I realize that the Single’abulous life style had its advantages. Sadly at the time I made my single status into a drama of Tolkien proportions, as only a thirty something dumpee can.

Nevertheless I was hardly alone in being alone. I was part of a brave new demographic just begging to be marketed to. Sex And The City and Bridget Jones’ Diary were pitched straight at me. I lapped both up shamelessly, it was art imitating life except the art had ridiculously expensive shoes. At the same time the bookstores (still viable businesses back then) were groaning under the weight of texts for hapless women like myself who could not bag a man.

Single Abs was more Nine West than Manolo Blahnik

Single Abs was more Nine West than Manolo Blahnik

I turned to the literature for answers and what I found was dismal. I was way too anarchic to follow “The Rules” as dictated by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (Don’t ever call a man? WTF? ). According to “Marry Me – Three Professional Men Reveal How To Get Mr Right To Pop the Question”*, I was destined for a life on spinster hood as a penance for my naughtiness. If you need proof that sexual double standards are alive and well just leaf through this depressing piece of work. It will transport you back to the 1950s faster than the Tardis ever could.

The lamest excuse ever to post David Tennant (but I know you appreciated it - Lara)

The lamest excuse ever to post David Tennant (but I know you appreciated it Lara)

After losing the will to live, I turned to A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance by Jane Juska. This true story tells of how a Jane a divorcee in her mid sixties, placed a raunchy personal ad in the New York Review of Books.

“Before I turn 67—next March—I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like. If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me.” 

She was over whelmed by the response and got up to some rollicking shenanigans including several encounters with a 35 year old David Duchovny look alike. The latter was something I was definitely in the market for and I cheered her on heartily.

David Duchovny in 2002. Single 'Abulous would not have said no.

David Duchovny in 2002. Single ‘Abulous would not have knocked it back.

In the end it wasn’t the self help writers or even the mighty Jane Juska who inspired me out of the self pitying rut I was in. Rather it was Einstein. These words prompted me to change my approach.

You can rely on a physicist to solve your problems.

You can rely on a physicist to solve your problems.

In another rare moment of clarity I realized that the reason that I was receiving relationship “shit” was not due to me being inferior goods with low sexual capital. It was because I had been accepting “shit”. Cue the strains of Twisted Sisters’ “We’re not gunna take it anymore”. I’d experienced a pathetic parade of losers and players* up until that point and now it was time to stand firm and just say no until I found someone who’d treat me with respect and consideration. It seemed statistically likely that among the millions of men in the world there would be a least one who fitted this basic criteria. I dived into an RSVP dating adventure and played the numbers game until Dadabulous found me. A few weeks in he said ” I want a relationship in my life. Lets give this thing a try and see how it goes”. I may have nonchalantly replied “Ok – why not” but internally a southern gospel choir was shouting “Hallelujah” and “Thank you Jesus!”.

Had I not had this epiphany a decade ago I would probably be blogging about the pitiful man shortage with one hand whilst squirting botox into my face as liberally a poly filler with the other. My advice to all the single ladies out there is that you dont have to look like Beyonce for him to put a ring on it but you do have to say no to crap.

I cant do this but Dadabs still put a ring on it.

I cant do this but Dadabs still put a ring on it.

Around the same time my new attitude helped me take a few big steps with my career but that’s another blog post. Meanwhile “Just say no to crap” is a catchy book title dont you think?  I am sure I could expand upon the concept and come up with a block busting best seller.

Do you have any advice to go into this latest best seller? It could be a collaborative effort.

Love

Mumabulous

*Published 2000 by Bradley GerstmanChristopher Pizzo  and Rich Seldes

* To be fair, there were some nice guys who just ” weren’t that into me”. Luckily that book wasn’t around at the time.

PS: I got an obscene surge of pleasure when I heard that Ellen Fein’s husband of 16 years had ditched her.


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Who’s Who?

I’m yet again riding the coat tails of a theme that’s been whirling around our blogging community over the past couple of weeks. It’s all that Catherine from A Cup Of Tea and A Blog’s fault. After suggesting that her ideal Christmas gift would be to commandeer the Tardis for a day she’s got me obsessed with you know Who.

The nerd herd is all a Twitter with rumors that the Dr will be landing the Tardis on the big screen. David Yates of Harry Potter fame is said to be at the helm as the director. Apparently they are in  the process of looking for writers and that the franchise will undergo a complete transformation. That huffing and puffing sound you hear is steam coming from the ears of British sci-fi pureists. If there were any justice the current cast of Dr Who would be catapulted from the small screen to the large. However this is Hollywood we’re talking about. You can wager that the lovely Matt Smith  and David Tennant will be brushed aside in favor of a square jawed all American type like Chris Pine.

If you are listening Hollywood – this will not work! Dr Who is not your run of the mill  American hero,  hence ruling out both Ryans – Gosling and Reynolds. The Dr should be handsome but not in a stereotypically buffed way, thereby excluding the cast of Magic Mike. His charm radiates from his razor sharp intellect and wit as well as his aura of quiet authority.

Mumabulous would like to invite the following actors to the casting couch.

1) Damien Lewis.

It’s high time the Doctor was regenerated as a ranga and Damien Lewis’ star is certainly on the rise. With his success in Homeland he has the star power to pull off this iconic character. And he’s hawt! As hot as the fusion reactor that powers the Tardis. I can happily imagine him striding around in a trench coat and long scarf.

I'd traverse space time with Damien.

I’d traverse space time with Damien.

2) Clive Owen

That honey drenched voice. That steely repressed stiff upper lip. That dark curly hair. What side kick wouldn’t want to sail through a black hole with Clive Owen.

Aaaaaaaah.

Aaaaaaaah.

3) Zachary Quinto

Young Zach is not a household name but he has form with sci-fi geeks. He reprised Lenard Nimoy’s iconic role as Spock in the Star Trek reboot. I know this because Dadabulous dragged me along to see it on a rare date night. Zach made a fine fist of the character. Morphing from Dr Spock to Dr Who wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. More to the point when he is not sporting pointy ears and a fashionable Vulcan bowl haircut he’s quite the stud muffin. I’d step into the police box with him.

From Dr Spock to Dr Who?

From Dr Spock to Dr Who?

4) James McEvoy

My top pick. To quote The Castle “its about the vibe of the thing”. In my opinion James McEvoy personifies the Dr Who vibe. The floppy fringe, the quirky cuteness. With his role as Professor X in the never ending X men franchise he has some serious Sci fi runs on the board. If I had a sonic screwdriver I’d let him handle it.

Of course the Dr should wear a fur trimmed bomber jacket.

Of course the Dr should wear a fur trimmed bomber jacket.

Here are some slightly off the wall choices;

5) Jermaine Clement

As the rugged half of Flight of The Conchords, Jermaine like sauvigon blanc, is one of the best things to come out of Kiwi land . I see know reason why the Dr can’t regenerate with dark bushy side burns, on trend eye wear and a Wellington accent. He could be the first Dr to wield a guitar as well as a sonic screwdriver. Perhaps half way through the film he could die and regenerate into his band mate Bret (Brit) McKenzie. Two Whos for the price of one! Another bonus is that the two of them could write the movie soundtrack.

Jermaine and his seriously talented eyebrow.

Jermaine and his seriously talented eyebrow.

6) Rupert Grint

Yes seriously. If the world can get past Ron Weasely, this just might work. At age 24 he’d be the youngest Dr ever but with all that disheveled red hair he’s got  idiosyncratic English charm aplenty plus an army of Gen Y fans.

Rocking the scarf like Tom Baker.

Rocking the scarf like Tom Baker.

As this is Mumabulous, you might be questioning the serious lack of Fassbender in a post about hunks. The reason is that he has already been cast. I just can’t see Fass as the Dr. He is too immediately and unrelentingly sexy. After prolonged discussions on the casting couch ( I wish!) I awarded him the part of the villain. Fass will be the Dr’s arch nemesis – The Master as he is indeed The Master of Hawtness.

Hey Fass - Are you levitating your gun or are you just pleased to see me?

Hey Fass – Are you levitating your gun or are you just pleased to see me?

Have I got it all wrong? Who would you pick to steer the Tardis?

Love

Mumabulous

PS: I want you all to know that pouring over pictures of hunks  to produce this post was a long and arduous chore but someone has to do it. Besides Dadabulous was on a leave pass.

* NB: I’ve nothing against the Ryans but they just aren’t right for this role.

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