When an individual spends far too much time online their mind is bound to traverse some weird territory. Recently I have been oddly pre-occupied with the Marvel Comic Book universe and its stable of hotties. Whilst swooning over the lyrca and leather clad beefcake I noticed that the antipodes are woefully under represented. In fact anything other than white American males and the ruling class of Asgard are under represented but that’s another Pandora’s box of worms. If we can have Captain America, an idealized super soldier fighting for good old US values of freedom, truth and justice with a star spangled shield, why shouldn’t we have a Captain Australia? Surely the right to down stubbies and dissecting the various footie codes whilst turning out the perfect snag on the BBQ warrants fighting for?
As I dont have enough to occupy my mind, I work shopped a couple of back stories for Cap Aussie. Perhaps he could be Gary Darren (aka Gazza Dazza) a mild mannered trades man from Sydney’s Sutherland Shire. Gazza drinks a case of irradiated Victoria Bitter left over from the ANSTO Christmas party* and acquires other worldly powers. Alternatively he could be Outback Jack “Jacko” Jackson a jackeroo from the back o’ Bourke. Jacko is bitten on the arse by a genetically modified red back spider whilst sitting on an outside dunny thus altering his molecular structure and conferring super strength. Another option is a mad scientist ( perhaps Dr Karl Kruszelnicki ) taking genetic material from a selection of legendary Australians (eg Don Bradman, Shane Warne, Bob Hawke, Phar Lap, Ned Kelly etc) and fusing it together to create a superior being. He’ll have the looks of Hugh Jackman, the heart of a race horse, a 99.99999 batting average and the remarkable ability to down a yard glass in a single gulp.
As I have oodles of time to spare, I conducted serious research into this topic. You’ll be amazed to know I am not the first person to envision the Cap Aussie concept. A Captain Australia exists on the Marvel Comics Wikia. Apparently he made a brief appearance as part of the All Captains Squad. There is not much quintessentially Australian about him other than the Southern Cross and the fact that he looks like he was plucked directly from a float on Mardis Gras night.
I dug a little deeper and discovered a Kick Ass style vigilante in Brisbane who has adopted the Captain Australia moniker. His banner looked promising. It is only fitting that our great nation is represented by a muscle bound hunk in unforgiving lycra. However I’m unconvinced by the shield. I believe it should be an esky lid.
Sadly in a text book case of reality blowing, the dude’s website failed to live up to the hype. On the positive, the cricketing gloves are a nice touch.
Further investigation yielded some interesting results. A fetching young hunk named Jonas does Captain Australia on the kids party circuit. I’m quite partial to his interpretation. The boomerang is banging as is the Aussie flag cod piece. If I have any criticism, it is that the long red socks should be replaced with cricketing pads.
As comely as he is, Jonas is not quite the hero I’d imagined. For starters, he is missing the all important esky lid shield. I also strongly believe he should wield other evil slaying paraphernalia such as BBQ tongs and a bullet deflecting stubby holder. I was encouraged to stumble upon this work of genius by the awesome comic book artist Neill Cameron. Here Cap Aussie is envisioned as a bronzed surfie dude with his generous undies on the outside. The radiation deflecting zinc cream on the nose is a delightful add in. While I’m happy to run with the boomerang as the weapon of choice, I am crest fallen over the absence of the esky lid shield. This should be NON NEGOTIABLE. To me this should be Cap Oz’ signature piece of equipment. Also I am dismayed about the choice of beverage. Freakin’ xxxx? You’ve got to be kidding. Surely there is no other option but VB.
Now that we’ve got Cap Aussie’s look down pat its time to cast him in the inevitable film franchise. Hamish Blake you are being summoned to the casting couch.
How would you portray a fair dinkum, true blue Aussie hero? Who would you invite to the casting couch?
PS: The sequels virtually write themselves. In Cap Aussie 2 – ANZAC, he teams up with his mate from across the ditch Captain Kiwi. (Who will be played by NZ’s sexiest man – Jermaine Clement)
In Cap Aussie 3 – ANZUS our two heroes will go head to head with Captain America.
* ANSTO – Australian Nuclear Science and Technology Organisation
* The pictures have been unashamedly pilfered from http://www.captainaustralia.net/
* Jonas can be found at http://www.superherocentral.com.au/ (absolutely NOT sponsored – just acknowledging where the photo came from)
* Check out Neill Cameron’s stuff at http://www.neillcameron.com. He does a lot of the 10th and 11th Dr Who so YOU WILL LIKE IT.