Apparently middle aged women are currently experiencing a collective spike in libido. The reason behind this unprecedented upswing of lust amongst the “mummy” demographic is all down to one dirty book. Of course I’m referring to the infamous 50 Shades of Grey. This Mills and Boon epic with a kinky twist has taken the world by storm, selling over 20 million copies and leaving a whole generation of ladies hot under the collar for the story’s anti-hero Christian Grey. Admittedly with all the hype surrounding this text Mumabulous’ curiosity was ahem aroused. However my interest did not extend to actually reading the book. Opting for a cursory glance at the internet instead, I quickly found that the Grey phenomena has polarised society. Never since the Twilight saga has a piece of fiction been so divisive. Its supporters wax lyrical about how the book has changed their love lives. Others deride it for being poorly written, juvenille and worst of all boring.
Mumabulous is not going to let the small matter of not having read the book get in the way of leaping to a judgement about it. To me it sounds absolutely appalling. Firstly, as I have complained before, I am sick to death of society’s obsession with sex to the exclusion of everything else. (That it not to say I have anything against sex – it can be a very satisfying pastime but there’s more to life). Secondly I know the book is about fantasy and suspending disbelief but this story stretches credibility to breaking point. The protagonist Christian Grey is an adonis with a genius IQ, a darkly brooding Heathcliff type demeanour and a male appendage bigger than his ego. Of course all these qualities have combined to make him a billionaire by age 26. Its not explained how he’s made his fortune so quickly, which irritates me as a former equity analyst. Nevertheless I can just about buy this. I’ve met many guys who fit this profile – at least in their own minds. What I just cant accept is Ana the female lead being a college graduate and a virgin! This is pushing things way too far!
The books explosive popularity also has me scratching my head and wondering if many of us are hankering after a bit of BDSM. Its hard to make a judgement call as its something I’ve never actually discussed with my Mumrades. Speaking personally , I’ll tell you its the last thing on my mind. I’m no stranger to pain having given birth twice without an epidural. Pain is NOT my friend. Bondage? Try being hooked up to a drip throughout your 18 hour labor! No Thanks!
I’ve searched my soul and probed into the recesses of my darkest fantasies in order to come up with a viable alternative to 50SOG. My version promises to strike a chord with Mums everywhere and have them groaning for more. Here’s the pitch;
50 Shades of Earl Grey
An exhausted 42 year old housewife, lets call her Ms Mary Hoover enters into a bizarre contract with an enigmatic hottie with a cleaning compulsion – lets call him Mr Earl Grey. Earl who has some serious issues wants to take complete control of Mary’s life, drudgery and all. As Mary feels she hasn’t got even the weakest grasp of control, she happily hands it over to him. This is were the dirty bits start – Earl loves nothing more than to clean her house in every imaginable position – under the stairs, in cupboards, behind the washing machine, the vege compartment in the fridge. (Embarassingly I feel my excitement mounting as I write). Naturally things get steamy in the bedroom – Earl forces Mary to lie in bed whilst he serves up multiple cups of tea! Oh Ah – keep it coming. That’s the way I like it – white with one! How could this not develop into a love story like no other?
Just as an aside – I’m happy to sell the film rights to this rivetting tale to the highest bidder. The only condition is that the film must star Michael Fassbender as Earl Grey!
Happy Fantasies Mumrades