As the 2012 London Games commences the entire world has seemingly worked itself into a frenzy over the ultimate sports carnival. Mumabulous is astounded at the passion and enthusiasm she hasn’t been able to muster this time around. As with pop music, my interest in sport diminishes with each passing year. To me the Olympics are an overused concept. There’s a winter Olympics, a Paralympics, a Gay Olympics and a Masters Olympics for geriatrics ie the over 35s. It follows that there should be a Parenting Olympics. Mums and Dads need more stamina and determination than any elite athlete. I’d argue that parents do it tougher than our top sportspeople as they don’t have armies of coaches and support people. Moreover parents can’t rely on performance enhancing drugs (although red wine does seem to help). I’d like to suggest the following list of events to the IOC.
The 100m – Individual parents hurtle down the street in pursuit of a rogue toddler.
Mums and Dads take it in turns to race down the street chasing the rogue toddler.
A field of competing parents converge upon a cafe with a pram. The first to claim the best table wins gold. There are separate categories for different models of pram so that hefty Mountain Buggies are not pitted against light weight Mclarens.
A competition to see who can lift the most shopping bags whilst simultaneously carrying a squirming, whinging toddler.
An all night session with a sick, screaming baby. This gruelling event is enough to put the fear of God into the likes of Steve Moneghetti and Rob de Castella. The parent who can keep their eyes open for the longest period of time wins gold (and a much needed sleep).
The Supermarket Obstacle Course
In this challenge an individual parent must acquire all of the items on a weekly shopping list with two pre-schoolers in tow. The obstacles arise spontaneously along the way and are different for each competitor. One may have to deal with a child pilfering from the confectionary aisle. Another may have to stop two mischievous sisters from building a cubby house from packets of toilet paper rolls.* The first to reach the check out with all of the listed items wins gold.
The fastest parent to dress a wiggling baby in a body suit wins gold.
The Morning Heptathlon
This is an competition made up of 7 separate tasks necessary to get pre-school children ready to leave the house in the morning. Parents must 1. wake children, 2 feed them breakfast, 3. brush the children’s teeth, 4. dress the children, 5. pack bags with nappies, snacks etc, 6. ensure kids go to the toilet or have fresh nappies and finally 7. strap kids into their car seats. The first parent to finish this series of tasks and drive away wins gold.
Given that parenting involves feats of athleticism every day, I am sure that we can come up with hundreds if not thousands of other events for the inaugural Parenting Olympics. Which intense and thrilling competitions would you like to see scheduled at the Parenting Games?
Happy Olympic Viewing
* P1 and P2 actually attempted this a Coles Eastgardens.It was both hilarious and mortifying.