Mumabulous admits to being a bored housewife occasionally. Sometimes to ease the tedium I look at hunks on the internet. I’d have to be the only middle aged Mum who does this – right? I may be married and in my 40s but I’M NOT DEAD YET. One thing I’ve gleaned from this distracting pastime is that high end stylists and photographers have a real talent for making gorgeous men look like utter knobs. I’ll present my case for your enjoyment and hepefully amusement.
Colin Firth is all smouldering testosterone just barely contained by his repressed, stiff upper lip English exterior. If you’ve watched countless re-runs of the BBCs Pride and Predjudice (as I have ), I recommend you give your husband a leave pass and rent The Girl With The Pearl Earring. You’ll be wondering how Scarlett Johansson manages to keep her hand off him. However here he is doing his best Jeff Wiggle impersonation.
Wake up Col! A purple skivvy is never a good look on a grown man. Nevertheless I’d still like to tickle his ivories (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Here’s Colin wearing something much more flattering ie very little.
Robert Downey Jnr
Do you often agree to your husband’s choice of movie just to perve? Do you then oh and ah about the special effects, witty dialogue and stunning cinematography (meaning beefcake)? Robert Downey Jnr was the reason I sat through Iron Man and yes the cinematography in that film was noice. RDJ at 47 is far better looking than a recovering heroin addict has a right to be. Researching this article was a little disconcerting. It seems that RDJ rarely leaves the house without looking like an A-grade poseur. Well if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck… I can only conclude that Rob is sexy and he knows it. The stylists have exagerated this unfortunate trait.
Hmmm. Here’s Rob making music without a shirt. Perhaps he should borrow Colin’s skivvy. I’m wondering what’s up with the piano motif. To me it reeks of high camp as in “Hey Rob you can stroke my keyboard anytime”.
I hope RDJ is pointing his firm arm at the stylist in the photo below. The gun metaphor is so homo-erotic. I can just hear Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served lisping “Oooooooooooh Rob – you’ve got a big gun!!” or “Ooooooooooooh You can squeeze my trigger any time!”
RDJ redeems himself in this photo. Its simple, elegant and very tasty. Enjoy!
Penelope Cruz has dated Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey. Now she’s with Javier Bardem. Good choice Pen! Javier is not in my opinion conventionally handsome but he’s got that masculine grrrrrr factor going on (except in Eat Pray Love where all concerned were as sexy as limp celery). Below is a scene from Woody Allen’s Vicki,Christina, Barcelona.* Heck if I were in Penelope Cruz’ position I would jump on his back too.
Yet here he is in Esquire? or some similar glossy magazine looking like a pimp! Is this the stylists idea of mafioso fabulous? One wonders why he needs the hanky. Truly the mind boogles.
While we are on Javier and its a fun place to be (tish boom!), whoever gave him this haircut in the Coen Brothers film No Country For Old Men should be jailed for crimes against fashion. The fact that the movie was set in 1980 is no excuse. Not since Johnny Depp in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory has a haircut been so unflattering on a leading male.
I confess the Twilight phenomenon has passed me by like so many buses on Anzac Parade. I chose R-Patz because he is headline news right now and gives good SEO.* He is a handsome young man but the stylists have certainly slapped him about with the ponce stick. For instance, at first I thought this picture was KD Lang but its R-Patz with very strange hair and a very strange expression. What is in that ciggie? Perhaps this look sent K-Stew hurtling into the arms of a sophisticated older man.
Whack!! He’s been hit with the twat cane once more. Here he’s channelling Christine Keeler’s iconic nude with the chair shot. No doubt many will find this smokin’ hawt but to me its just pretentious and derivative. (Which is ironically a pretentious thing to write).
And just when you thought this blog had passed I go and save the best for last.
Michael Fassbender !!!
To me Fassy is hotter than the core of a fusion reactor. That’s 100 million degrees C! However the stylist responsible for this should be sent to their room to think about themselves for A YEAR.
Fencing without a shirt? Seriously? Semi clothed sparring would surely contravene Fédération Internationale d’Escrime* charter. More importantly would we really want that toned torso cut to ribbons? The overt sword play metaphor is purile and he looks like he is about to do something unmentionable to that mask. Whilst he looks a complete knob at least he’s a visually pleasing one unlike the following travesty.
Whoever decided Magneto should wear this ridiculous stack hat deserves to be slapped. My dorkometre is registering off the scale with this one.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I’ve enjoyed bringing it to you. If any of you have a favourite celebrity you wish to see dorkified, I’ll come up with the goods. Please send me your suggestions so that I can compose Hollywood Hotties Dorkified – Part 2. Its a tough, tough job trawling through pictures of shirtless hunks on the web but someone’s got to do it.
Happy viewing Mumrades
PS: To my 14 year old niece. If you are reading this Penny please note that this post is a very inappropriate use of social media and no way for a laydee to behave.
* I have this film on the media centre hard drive but I haven’t had time to watch it. Maybe I should in the interest of research.
* SEO: Search Engine Optimisation
* The world governing authority on fencing. Of course its in French.