Man-abulous? – Hollywood Hotties Dorkified.

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Mumabulous admits to being a bored housewife occasionally. Sometimes to ease the tedium I look at hunks on the internet. I’d have to be the only middle aged Mum who does this – right? I may be married and in my 40s but I’M NOT DEAD YET. One thing I’ve gleaned from this distracting pastime is that high end stylists and photographers have a real talent for making gorgeous men look like utter knobs. I’ll present my case for your enjoyment and hepefully amusement.

Colin Firth

Colin Firth is all smouldering testosterone just barely contained by his repressed, stiff upper lip English exterior. If you’ve watched countless re-runs of the BBCs Pride and Predjudice (as I have ), I recommend you give your husband a leave pass and rent The Girl With The Pearl Earring. You’ll be wondering how Scarlett Johansson manages to keep her hand off him. However here he is doing his best Jeff Wiggle impersonation.

The Wiggles auditions

Wake up Col!  A purple skivvy is never a good look on a grown man. Nevertheless I’d still like to tickle his ivories (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Here’s Colin wearing something much more flattering ie very little.

Austen’s idea of good clean fun?

Robert Downey Jnr

Do you often agree to your husband’s choice of movie just to perve? Do you then oh and ah about the special effects, witty dialogue and stunning cinematography (meaning beefcake)? Robert Downey Jnr was the reason I sat through Iron Man and yes the cinematography in that film was noice. RDJ at 47 is far better looking than a recovering heroin addict has a right to be. Researching this article was a little disconcerting. It seems that RDJ rarely leaves the house without looking like an A-grade poseur. Well if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck…  I can only conclude that Rob is sexy and he knows it. The stylists have exagerated this unfortunate trait.

Hmmm. Here’s Rob making music without a shirt. Perhaps he should borrow Colin’s skivvy. I’m wondering what’s up with the piano motif. To me it reeks of high camp as in “Hey Rob you can stroke my keyboard anytime”.

I hope RDJ is pointing his firm arm at the stylist in the photo below. The gun metaphor is so homo-erotic. I can just hear Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served lisping  “Oooooooooooh Rob – you’ve got a big gun!!” or “Ooooooooooooh You can squeeze my trigger any time!”

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang

RDJ redeems himself in this photo. Its simple, elegant and very tasty. Enjoy!

Nice!

Javier Bardem

Penelope Cruz has dated Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey. Now she’s with Javier Bardem. Good choice Pen! Javier is not in my opinion conventionally handsome but he’s got that masculine grrrrrr factor going on (except in Eat Pray Love where all concerned were as sexy as limp celery). Below is a scene from Woody Allen’s Vicki,Christina, Barcelona.*  Heck if I were in Penelope Cruz’ position I would jump on his back too.

Way to go Penelope Cruz!

Yet here he is in Esquire? or some similar glossy magazine looking like a pimp! Is this the stylists idea of mafioso fabulous? One wonders why he needs the hanky. Truly the mind boogles.

Mafioso chic?

While we are on Javier and its a fun place to be (tish boom!), whoever gave him this haircut in the Coen Brothers film No Country For Old Men should be jailed for crimes against fashion. The fact that the movie was set in 1980 is no excuse. Not since Johnny Depp in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory has a haircut been so unflattering on a leading male.

Willy Wonka?

Robert Pattison

I confess the Twilight phenomenon has passed me by like so many buses on Anzac Parade. I chose R-Patz because he is headline news right now and gives good SEO.* He is a handsome young man but the stylists have certainly slapped him about with the ponce stick. For instance, at first I thought this picture was KD Lang but its R-Patz with very strange hair and a very strange expression. What is in that ciggie?  Perhaps this look sent K-Stew hurtling into the arms of a sophisticated older man.

KD Lang? – Nup guess again.

Whack!! He’s been hit with the twat cane once more. Here he’s channelling Christine Keeler’s iconic nude with the chair shot. No doubt many will find this smokin’ hawt but to me its just pretentious and derivative. (Which is ironically a pretentious thing to write).

Pretentious much?

And just when you thought this blog had passed I go and save the best for last.

Michael Fassbender !!!

To me Fassy is hotter than the core of a fusion reactor. That’s 100 million degrees C! However the stylist responsible for this should be sent to their room to think about themselves for A YEAR.

Sword play?

Fencing without a shirt? Seriously? Semi clothed sparring would surely contravene Fédération Internationale d’Escrime* charter. More importantly would we really want that toned torso cut to ribbons? The overt sword play metaphor is purile and he looks like he is about to do something unmentionable to that mask. Whilst he looks a complete knob at least he’s a visually pleasing one unlike the following travesty.

Whoever decided Magneto should wear this ridiculous stack hat deserves to be slapped. My dorkometre is registering off the scale with this one.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I’ve enjoyed bringing it to you. If any of you have a favourite celebrity you wish to see dorkified, I’ll come up with the goods. Please send me your suggestions so that I can compose Hollywood Hotties Dorkified – Part 2. Its a tough, tough job trawling through pictures of shirtless hunks on the web but someone’s got to do it.

Happy viewing Mumrades

Mumabulous

PS: To my 14 year old niece. If you are reading this Penny please note that this post is a very inappropriate use of social media and no way for a laydee to behave.

* I have this film on the media centre hard drive but I haven’t had time to watch it. Maybe I should in the interest of research.

* SEO: Search Engine Optimisation

* The world governing authority on fencing. Of course its in French.

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18 thoughts on “Man-abulous? – Hollywood Hotties Dorkified.

  1. Colin Firth is lovely in everything he does, and everything he wears (or doesn’t). He can give an Oscar-worthy performance one minute then give the silliest film an air of art house sophistication the next (Bridget Jones? St Trinians?). Have you ever read Rupert Everett’s autobiographies? He tells some funny stories about Colin in his youthful, lesser-known thespian days. And yes, the RPatz image smacks of James Dean, derivative indeed.

    • Hi Lara
      Yes – I’ve read Rupert Everett’s Red Carpets and Other Banana Skins. The things that stuck in my mind most about that work were 1) before he won his breakout role in Another Country Rupert had an affair with Ian McKellen and 2) Bob Geldof has a really big *&#%, which explains alot, I suppose.

  2. What a funny post! Thanks so much for linking it with the POTMC – you’ll have lots of bloggers giggling from all over the world ☺. J x

    • Thanks Jane
      All of us newbie bloggers really appreciate your generousity in inviting us to link up with POTMC. I’m loving keeping up with Life On Planet Baby. Cheers Mumabulous

  3. This is hilarious! 🙂 It makes me giggle lots! I am wayyy too obsessed with Colin Firth I am ashamed to admit!

    • Nothing to be ashamed of there! I’d be happy to dig up some more pictures of Col if you like. However its really difficult to find shots of him looking like a dork. He always manages to keep his dignity.
      Love Mumabulous

  4. Great post, and great taste in men. Can I request Clooney for round 2?

    • Ok. I’ll do my best but its going to be a difficult and arduous task 😉 Swoony George Clooney always looks dignified. Any other suggestions will be most welcome. I was thinking David Beckham but that’s low hanging fruit 😉

  5. Well, that was a lovely walk through a beautiful park…*ahems*
    Awesome, awesome picks. I am a HUGE Colin Firth fan. He’s just so divine. So, so yummy *swoon*

  6. I love me some spunkorama. I’m with Javier all the way, have watched too many Spanish movies, I think 🙂

    Thanks for linking up for Things I Know this week. Would you mind adding a link back to my site in the future? Thank you 🙂

    • Thanks very much for allowing me to post this lighthearted piece of fluff on your blog link up. I will certainly add your fantastic site to my blog roll. I love what you are doing and look forward to reading more from you.
      All the very best
      Mumabulous (Brenda)

  7. Well that was a pleasant little read! Mr Firth, Mr Downey Jnr, Mr Pattinson come to Mumma! Hang on, where is Mr Depp? He’s single now isn’t he? Thanks for linking up for Flash Blog Friday 🙂

    • I’ve had thing for Johnny Depp since his 21 Jump St days. Its a passion which has lasted 20 years. Unfortunately for Johnny the Fass has trumped him in my opinion. However I promise to include Johnny in Hollywood Hotties Dorkified Part 2.

  8. Would love to see you do Patrick Dempsey and Cuba Gooding Jr, 2 of my fave leading men. Not so much for their spunk factor but for their fun factor.

    • Peta. Thanks very much for these great suggestions. I’ve also got requests for George Clooney and Johnny Depp. I just need one more target and I can do Man-abulous 2. I guess I could always do Micheal Fassbender again if I really, really have to ;-).
      Cheers
      Mumabulous

  9. Pingback: Don’t Go There | Mumabulous

  10. Pingback: More Hollywood Hotties Dorkified | Mumabulous

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