Parenting is not like going riding on the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac. More often than not it feels like the highway to hell. Its certainly a long and winding road that leads to Dagsville.
When you set off on this journey you soon find its a one way street. There’s no need to pack your mojo or your inner cool. You wont be needing them for this trip. Luckily the route is clearly signposted. Here are some major indications that you’re fast approaching Dagsville in your sensible family wagon.
- When you’re racing in pursuit of your cheeky toddler that’s not the Benny Hill chase theme you can hear in your head. That’s you humming it – loudly.
- You might watch gastro porn like Nigella or the ever popular Master Chef but your own diet consists largely of slobbered on crusts left by your child.
- Bright colors may be so on-trend this season but your wardrobe is turning a cheerless shade of khaki, embellished by baby detritus.
- You find yourself Googling the personal lives of popular children’s entertainers. I’ve heard that Jimmy Giggle has a devoted following among Mums. I’m sure Jimmy is a lovely young man but those bright orange owl feet slippers just don’t do it for me. Sportacus is more my scene – Bing bang digga rigga dong! While we are on Lazy Town, beneath Robbie Rotten’s prosthetic facial features and figure hugging lycra lurks a smoldering Clive Owen look alike. Don’t believe me ? – http://www.imdb.com/media/rm4082284288/nm1133284 *
- You find yourself laughing while your kids watch completely inappropriate clips on YouTube. Ghetto Dora is a prime example. In this heartwarming series Da Map says things like ” F&#k You GPS” and “Dont go thru da woods. There’s some really f#%king freaky s^*t going down in there”. Then there’s Goth Dora, crack whore Dora and a multitude of clips where Dora’s castmates commit extreme acts of violence. When it comes to inappropriateness Dora’s got it all!
- You’ve got a “nudie rudie” theme song for bathtime. Mine goes to the tune of Little Richard’s Tutti Frutti – ” Nudie rudie, nudie rudie, nudie rudie, nudie rudie Wooooooooooooooo! Nudie rudie, nudie rudie, A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-wop-bam-boom!” Do you serenade your husband with your “nudie rudie” song when you walk in on him in the shower? Nah – me neither.
- Similarly delightful little ditties accompany your toileting and nappy changing activities. I’ve got two favorite poo songs . One goes to the tune of Blueberry Hill by Fats Domino, the other to Coldplay’s Yellow. I’ll spare you the details.
- Your lyrical genius finds its way into the kitchen. In my case –
- “She’s got eggs, she knows how to use them” ( Legs by ZZ Top )
- “I smell the bread dough rising” ( Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival)
- “Rice, Rice Baby” ( Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice)
- “I’ve got my pizza base, my p pizza base”. (Poker Face by Lady Ga Ga ) And my personal favorite as it causes both the girls to groan in annoyance;
- “If you like a plate of pasta put some cheese on it. wo oh oh oh oh oh” ( All The Single Ladies by Beyonce)
- You have two date nights a year with your husband and you spend them talking about the kids.
- Busting a move on the dance floor involves Ring a Rosy or some kind of chicken impersonation.
- You used to view global warming as the most pressing problem facing human kind. Now its potty training.
- Target has become your retail destination of choice.
- Chocolate is the definitive answer. Could you repeat the question.
What are the glaring signs that you’ve descended into Dagsville central?
* If you looked at this you are as tragic as I am.