I desperately need a good eyeful of the Fass in order to recover from the trauma my three year old inflicted on me during this morning’s family outing. P2 is returning to day care tomorrow. The joyful prospect has me dancing around the house quoting Jeff Buckley (or is it Leonard Cohen? ) Anyway – ” Hallelujah, Hallelujah”. I’ve done over a month with no childcare and I have a severe case of “Overschoolholiday-itis”. For our last official school holiday day as a threesome I threw caution and my wallet to the wind. We headed to that Bermuda Triangle for your bank account – The Entertainment Quarter, Moore Park.
Discipline could be tighter at Chez Abulous but we do have one Golden Rule. That is – thou shalt go to the toilet before leaving the house. The law applies equally to all Team Abulous members but P2 believes she is exempt. Apparently a three year old’s time is too valuable to waste on such fripperies as making sure you don’t pee your pants. Mysterious wet patches on her shorts are explained with ” I too busy watching TV”. It’s perfectly reasonable to her. She’s not the one sopping up the puddles with paper towel.
Before today’s adventure I asked her more than once if she needed the toilet. I kept running into a wall of “No”. I balked at physically forcing the issue so I herded the cats into the car and took off. Upon arriving at EQ, again posed the $64m question. Predictably the answer was an exasperated “No”. My next mission was to get a half decent cappuccino before entering Monkey Mania – an indoor play centre and foul coffee zone. We found a cute hole in the wall coffee nook and I prioritized ordering a regular skinny cap. P2 had no sooner requested a babycino when code yellow struck without warning. She ran around in tight circles moaning – a tell tale sign that the flood gates are about to open. I’m not sure what she thinks this ritual dance will achieve. Perhaps she hopes to use centrifugal force to hold it in. Before I could do anything, the dam burst. A replica of Lake Burley Griffin instantly formed on the pavement. Her pants, socks and shoes were saturated. She immediately disrobed as you do.
I’ve learned through bitter experience to carry a spare set of clothes but sadly this morning I didn’t include socks. Socks are mandatory at Monkey Mania. I imagine it has something to do with hygiene. They probably don’t want grotty, tinea infected feet all over their play equipment. I’m not sure what their position is on pee soaked socks but as urine is sterile we went in wet socks and all.
After about an hours play and me asking the monotonous toilet question several times, P2 emerged from the play equipment with a suspicious looking wet patch on her shorts. She whipped them off and exposed her nether regions to the breeze as shamelessly as Brittany Spears. I sternly enquired as to why she didn’t go to the toilet to be informed that she had been “too busy playing”. In my parental incompetence I had neglected to pack a spare, spare. Now I had no choice but to dash outside and purchase a new pair of pants from a brand name shop. Of course she didn’t like them.
By now I was so frazzled I resembled one of the zombies from Para-Norman. I lumbered on. We left Monkey Mania and had an ill advised visit to the toy store. P2 not fully realizing how “pissed” I was with her demanded I buy a new toy. A tantrum erupted when it was my turn to make like Tony Abbott and say “No”. Many a woman would have completely lost her shit at this point but I was too tired to “crack it”. I simply took some deep breaths and repeated to myself “Michael Fassbender naked, Michael Fassbender naked”.
Finally both girls agreed to leave to get some lunch. As they skipped ahead of me I noticed another freakin’ wet patch on P2’s freakin’ new shorts. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
This afternoon I shoved the girls in front of the TV and sought refuge in the blogosphere. The bottle of Oyster Bay Savigion Blanc in the fridge is called my name. Surely if P2 can get her piss on all morning, I can get on the piss tonight.
Have your kids really pissed you off these holidays?