Dumb Shite People Say


Kim at Falling Face First you’ve inspired me. ( http://www.fff.net.au/). You raise me up. You’re the wind beneath my wings as it were.  Now readers I dont want you to think that there’s a blogmance going on.  FFF is on Team Thor and I’m on Team Loki. We’re sworn enemies.  Nevertheless her gigglesome piece “Dance like nobody’s watching – really?” got my mental cogs turning. “Dance like nobody’s watching” is a prime example of stupid motivational shite people say. All dancing is for someone else’s benefit. For instance, when I’m bumbling around Chez Abulous grooving to Prince’s Little Red Corvette,* the crowd at Wembley Stadium goes wild. I’ll show you bootylicious Beyonce! Rank amateur. People – you should dance like absolutely everybody is watching.

When you spend large slabs of time on the interwebs you encounter some daft sayings indeed. How about the sage advice from the author known as SARK? In her 2001 book “Eat mangoes naked”, she recommends that we sark on our mangoes au naturel. I assume this is to save laundry. Arguably it is more efficient than eating mangoes in head to toe rain gear which will subsequently need hosing down.

Sark a mango.

SARK a mango.

In my experience the best and cleanest way to enjoy a mango is chopped up on plate as per the picture below.

Eat scored mangoes from a plate.

Eat scored mangoes from a plate.

Even more ridiculous is author Clarissa Pinkola Estes urging women to “run with the wolves” in the 1996 book of the same name. You have to be super gym fit to run with wolves. They are fast critters. On the positive side running with the wolves does not require depilation whereas going to the gym does.

Most of us have endured the tiresome experience of looking for work. The world of recruitment is a hot bed of annoying catch cries. I wish I’d had a dollar for every job ad I’ve seen requiring the candidate to “hit the ground running”.  What’s wrong with hitting the ground walking? It sounds quite cruisy and is preferable to  just hitting the ground. I’m quite frankly disturbed that these employers want you to fall into the  job as if from a great height. The term is simply code for “we want you to do a Herculean job and we’re going to give you sod all training”.

This dude hit the ground running.

This dude hit the ground running.

And this one just hit the ground.

And this one just hit the ground.

Numerous employers want their staff to “think outside of the box”. To that I ask – what is wrong with the box? It has a nice symmetrical shape. It works in most situations. Many modern architects are lauded for their boxy concepts.  Billionaire Richard Pratt made his fortune thinking about boxes.

Dont knock the box.

Don’t knock the box.

This guy has never been told to think outside his box. Indeed many a cunning plan has been hatched in the Tardis – a box which is actually bigger on the inside.

From Deviant-art. One of my favorite sites.

From Deviant-art. One of my favorite sites.

Of course most people think with their box….. Oh my!  Is that Ioan “Hornblower” Gruffud in a state of undress?………….

What were we talking about again?

What were we talking about again?

What were talking again? Oh yeh – the box. I frankly don’t care whether people think inside, outside or with the box. Just as long as a few neurons connect.

Another corporate slogan that irritates me like a laxative is “get outside your comfort zone”.  The older I become the more value I place upon comfort. I would encourage people to locate their comfort zones and crawl back in there.  It might be savoring a cappuccino whilst reading the broadsheet or sipping red wine while watching Mad Men in your track suit pants. Where ever it is,  your comfort zone is a place you should urgently seek out. You should only venture out in cases of absolute emergency.  If you don’t take my word for it, you can at least pay attention to Colin Firth. He’s in his comfort zone.

Oh my - what a comfortable zone.

Oh my – what a comfortable zone.

What dumb shite sayings annoy the bejeepers out of you.



* Prince’s 1983 hit single. One of the most glorious pop tunes of all time.

* The BBC’s series Hornblower 1998-2003 has much to answer for. 10 years on and I still have a fetish for brass buttons, pony tails and britches.

Hey Horatio. Adam Ant called. He wants his jacket back.

Hey Horatio. I love a man who can handle his cutlass.


24 thoughts on “Dumb Shite People Say

  1. Hilaire (to nick a phrase), loved the whole thing, and of course the reference to Dr Who thrilled me 🙂 One exception to the dancing thing is if I have been on the piss and decide to listen to Snow Patrol on my earpods and stagger around the living room in slow motion. I am rather hoping nobody is watching, at that point, insofar as I can coherently hope for anything.

    Mainly, I just can’t stand fakely positive people and their fakely positive shitey sayings. One woman regularly posts on a page I used to be on (back in my FB days) such utter, utter garbage as “You can find good in any situation, it’s all in the way you look at it.” No, no you can’t. And your passive aggressive bullying tactics are not helping anyone who has a right to feel bad if something bad happens to them. I tried to explain the psychological theories of cognitive behavioural therapy to her, and how feeling bad is perfectly natural but how to get through it with rational thinking and challenging catastrophic thoughts, but she was too busy being passionate about helping others to listen…

    I also told her how my psychologist generally avoids the word “positive” and how being positive about something unpleasant was like taking a big pile of steaming shite and squirting cream onto it then placing a cherry on the top. It might look nice, but underneath you still have the festering shite. (True story, James David Haynes told me that :D) I don’t think she liked me after that.

    So yes, insincere and unrealistic positivity is my biggest dislike. People do talk a fair amount of shite at times though, don’t they? 😀

  2. Darn it. I should have said, I am positive she didn’t like me after that. Sigh. Always too late with the snappy riposte…

  3. Ioan really blows my horn if you get my DRIFT baby!
    I can’t think of any dumb sayings, I’m to busy “living in the moment” and “enjoying the journey”.
    For shizzle.

  4. Oh, and also I have to eat mangoes with a great big towel draped over me to avoid getting mango juice on the sarong…They do look like your plate picture to start off with, but they then morph into squishy, vile things rather quickly. I usually also eat them in a room away from other humans, to spare them the noises.

  5. I can’t stand when people talk about “journeys” that are not actual physical journeys. Was there a start and a destination that can be tagged on google earth? Did u need a back pack or luggage? No? Sorry, not a journey.

  6. Awww Brendabulous I’m so pleased I could be the provider of some hot air to get your wind turbines turning – you gave me a huge chuckle. I swear, if one more person sends an ‘inspirational’ message in a poster on facebook I’m going to hunt them down, knock on their door, and poke them in the eye. That or I’ll make a poster back saying ‘Shit sux’. If I took off my clothes to eat mangoes I’d be so distracted by all the floppy bits I’d probably try and run around the block while I ate said mango, and that could get me arrested. Just stupid.

  7. ‘When one door closes, another opens.’ I always think of Sheldon’s response to Penny on Big Bang Theory when I hear this one: “No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved. Or that the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.”

  8. Yes!!! Hit the ground running – I would say, run as far as you can from any job ad including these immortal words.

    How about “what doesn’t kill us makes us stonger”? Who says I want to be stronger???!

  9. Not really out of the self help manuals but it irks me whenso done says “I don’t mean to be rude but” and then proceed to say something rude. I was sat at a cafe recently and overheard someone saying “she was literally the elephant in the room” i find that hard to believe. people literally dont seem to uderstand the literal meaning of literally. There’s a lot of dumb shit out there to choose from.

  10. Ugh yes! a young shop assistant said ‘get out your comfort zone’ to me last week in relation to ear rings! I was not impressed!

    • Earrings are fundamentally uncomfortable things so the shop assistant was technically right. Same deal with pantyhose. They are so far outside my comfort zone I need to book a flight to get there.

  11. Nope. Not about to eat mangoes naked. There is some silly stuff out there.

  12. “Always look on the bright side of life” – makes me want to bang my head against walls, most days.

    • I love that song from Monty Python’s Life of Brian. I particularly love the last bit “always look on the bright side of death. Just before you draw your terminal breath.” Life’s a piece of shit. When you look at it. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true. You’ll see it’s all a show.Keep ’em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.”

  13. “Must soldier on” is another one that might cause me concussion.

  14. Pingback: Shaking things up. Rage, rage against the comfort zone! - Falling Face FirstFalling Face First

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