A Dirty Old Woman & A Grumpy Old Man

26 Comments

Next week Dadabulous and I will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. I’m telling you about it now because I will be on an involuntary social media detox when the actual date falls. The 5th anniversary is traditionally known as “wood” anniversary as it is meant to symbolize strength and durability.  I’m not completely au fait with anniversary etiquette but apparently we are supposed to gift each other wooden items. I’m considering giving Dadabulous the Matrix Trilogy Box Set because Keanu Reeves acting can best be described as wooden. Meanwhile I’m sure Dadabulous can conjure up some wood of his own and give it to me. Woof Woof!

The Matrix - the gift of wood?

The Matrix – the gift of wood?

This post is not meant be a run down of what I’ve learned over my five years of marriage. I knocked that one out on Valentines Day.  Rather today I’m focusing on the future. Like Julia and the ALP plan to do for the country I am moving my marriage forward. That Dadabulous and I are in for the long haul is certain. As much as I joke about running off with Fass*, I know I’d be back in Dadabulous’ arms the minute something went wrong with my computer. By this reckoning, Fass and I would have approximately two hours (All the time I need really – Giddy up!).

Our future is dominated by an over arching vision – a dream to reach out for. Over the next few decades I’ll strive to be a dirty old lady and Dadabulous will do his darnedest to morph into a grumpy old man. The girls of course will be embarrassed. This glorious prospect gets me out of bed every morning.

When you look around at the media for icons of graceful aging the likes of Helen Mirren, Judi Dench, Susan Sarandon and Merryl Streep stand out as  poster girls.  Undoubtedly these ladies have class, style, talent, intelligence and great genes. They don’t however (on the face of it at least) have what I’m looking to emulate which is smut.  I want to be the dotty old bird who drops bon mots that make all the young whipper snappers blush.  My role model is the late Estelle Getty best known for playing Sophia in the Golden Girls.

Go Sophia!

Go Sophia!

Unabashedly crude she was always rattling off humdingers like these.

Sophia: If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I’d be on my back faster than you could say, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

Blanche: [referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?
Sophia: They’d think it’s Tuesday!

Sophia: All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?
Dorothy: Ma, what is your sexual problem?
Sophia: I’m not getting any!

&

Blanche: I have writer’s block. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

Boom Tish! What a legend. The bar as been set high ( or low depending on your perspective). If I can be even half as dirty as old Sophia I’d be proud indeed.

Meanwhile Dadabulous is working the curmudgeon angle. He tells me with a certain amount of glee, that when he retires he is going to spend his time writing letters of complaint, ringing talkback radio and generally moaning to anyone who will listen. In his view the world needs to be set straight and he’s just the man to do it. He has already started his quest by writing a letter of complaint to Coles. He was quite disgusted by the length of the check out queues one evening and sarcastically related the experience to “whom it may concern”.  He described super market patrons nearly collapsing in hunger during their epic wait and being forced to open their groceries to ward off starvation.  Coles rewarded his efforts with a generic canned email. Nevertheless Dadabulous argues that his letter was the tipping point that forced the Coles management to sell out to Wesfarmers.  Dadabulous currently enjoys snarking about ineptitude everywhere he sees it  too busy to take action. However in a decade or so he will be an even grumpier force to be reckoned with. Those lousy telcos in particular, are in for quite a hiding. I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to this. I really cant.

Victor Meldrew - Dadabulous in 20 years time.

Victor Meldrew – Dadabulous in 20 years time?

How’s your future looking? Do you have a dream like us?

Love

Mumabulous

* In case you are new to this blog and are not Fass aware – this is what I am talking about.

Even Michael Fassbender needs IT support.

Even Michael Fassbender needs IT support.


a href=”http://onemotherhen.blogspot.com/”>Photobucket

26 thoughts on “A Dirty Old Woman & A Grumpy Old Man

  1. Bahahahaha! Oh this is the best ever. I am hoping to be a combination of both these things, a rude old broad who makes suggestive comments to delivery men when they interrupt me from my daily routine of reading the death notices and shooting off complaints emails to Queensland Rail. Hahahahahaha you are hilarious Brenda xx

  2. Have you ever seen the poem When I am an old woman I shall wear purple by Jenny Joseph? I seem to have skipped the stage in the middle where you’re not supposed to try not to shock people and can only see things heading downhill from here. Sophia was an absolute cracker, sadly I am a lot more Victor, which is one reason I watch almost no TV, I get more Meldrewish with every irritating 2D cardboard cut out presenter with shiny hair who desperately wants to believe they are important, every crappy, invasive ad. It’s not good for the BP and the remotes are getting sick of being chucked across the room.

    My dream is to live on a boat with access to the internet. Failing that a shack in the woods within walking distance to a post office and a pub will do. People kind of piss me off. Present company obviously excluded 🙂

  3. Hilarious! I’m quite partial to Fass now too (and I was not Fass aware before this post!) – thank you! Happy 5th wedding anniversary to you! May you live your dream. xx

  4. Is it wrong that I’d prefer to be a grumpy old man? I already write a very strongly worded letter to the editor! Happy Anniversary!

  5. You’ll recognise me surviving another Tasmanian winter by the trackypants pulled up to my armpits. Who can complain about that when I’m 90. Looking forward to it :). That, and pretending I’ve got dementia so I can have three helpings of dessert.

  6. Happy 5 years! I’ve got 7 coming up at Easter… hmm. I’m plugging for grumpy old woman, writing complaint letters to people who spell things incorrectly, or use bad grammer in the public sphere. Or else the purple madly-dressed one with inappropriately coloured hair. Or perhaps alcoholic aunt.

  7. I so want to be sophia when i get older! Great post again mumabulous!

  8. Congrats on your 5 year anniversay – now if people ask you if you’ve “Got wood?” you can say yes!
    My goal is to actually get off the starting block in the whole marriage stakes. Yep that’s right – 12 years & 3 kids with my fella and we’re still engaged. Every time we even opened a wedding magazine to start planning I got pregnant.
    I too want to be a shocking old lady – ideally I’ll live long enough to embarrass some of my great grandchildren!

  9. Congrats on the anniversary. Hope you’re well enough to make the most of it! I always loved Sophia on GG. They were great at challenging stereotypes about old age.

  10. I’ve always wanted to grow up to be Betty White but after considering ringing a school about badly behaved kids last week I’m sure I’ll join my guy in the grumpy camp. Joyeaux Anniversaire (which may mean joyous birthday but I’m trying to be chic and French).

  11. I love this. I think Ed is looking forward to the days the boys move out and enjoy their own independence, so he can walk around the house naked all day. He is also looking forward to us living in a posh retirement village and playing pranks not only on me but everyone else in the village. I hope to end up like Jane Fonda. 😉

  12. Laugh! Love your posts! Was most impressed to see a bit of Fass recognition- am still shocked when someone says ‘who?’
    My plan involves a small house (minimal housework), bowling whites (the only sport where I can have a champagne in hand) and NO LAWN! I also plan to give my darling children as much grief as possible… the fake dementia sounds like a fabulous plan! I think I’ll also get a subscription to the opera and drag my husband along to avenge all my Saturdays lost to stinking cricket!

  13. I would love the quick wits of Sophia, I am more of a thinker before I speak.
    By the time I reach Sophias age I probably wont care what comes out my mouth and will be just as hilariously telling it like it is. I can hope. My hubby however will be still telling politically incorrect jokes to whoever will listen and laughing at them as well, even when some are just rolling their eyes lol.

  14. Gotta tell ya muma – you rock! And make me laugh! I think I will be like your hubby as I get old, writing letters, making people accountable! I could go on about the gift of wood but I won’t, you know where I’m heading with it 😉 Em x

  15. Estelle is my hero! If you can be even half the old lady she was I will love you long time! She is hilarious! My Grandma was a bit like that, always coming out with something that her kids went red over and all us Grandkids said “What does she mean, Mum?”.

    Thanks for linking up to #thelounge xx

  16. There is nothing I hate more than a generic stock email reply to a carefully crafted and spirited letter of complaint. Step up your game, Coles!

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