Captain Australia

20 Comments

When an individual spends far too much time online their mind is bound to traverse some weird territory. Recently I have been oddly pre-occupied with the Marvel Comic Book universe and its stable of hotties. Whilst swooning over the lyrca and leather clad beefcake I noticed that the  antipodes are woefully under represented. In fact anything other than white American males and the ruling class of Asgard are under represented but that’s another Pandora’s box of worms. If we can have Captain America, an idealized super soldier fighting for good old US values of freedom, truth and justice with a star spangled shield, why shouldn’t we have a Captain Australia? Surely the right to down stubbies and dissecting the various footie codes whilst turning out the perfect snag on the BBQ warrants fighting for?

As I dont have enough to occupy my mind, I work shopped a couple of back stories for Cap Aussie. Perhaps he could be Gary Darren (aka Gazza Dazza) a mild mannered trades man from Sydney’s Sutherland Shire. Gazza drinks a case of irradiated Victoria Bitter left over from the ANSTO Christmas party* and acquires other worldly powers. Alternatively he could be Outback Jack “Jacko” Jackson a jackeroo from the back o’ Bourke.  Jacko is bitten on the arse by a genetically modified red back spider whilst sitting on an outside dunny  thus altering his molecular structure and conferring super strength. Another option is a mad scientist ( perhaps Dr Karl Kruszelnicki ) taking genetic material from a selection of legendary Australians (eg Don Bradman, Shane Warne, Bob Hawke, Phar Lap, Ned Kelly etc) and fusing it together to create a superior  being. He’ll have the looks of Hugh Jackman, the heart of a race horse, a 99.99999 batting average and the remarkable ability to down a yard glass in a single gulp.

As I have oodles of time to spare, I conducted serious research into this topic. You’ll be amazed to know I am not the first person to envision the Cap Aussie concept. A Captain Australia exists on the Marvel Comics Wikia. Apparently he made a brief appearance as part of the All Captains Squad. There is not much  quintessentially Australian about him other than the Southern Cross and the fact that he looks like he was plucked directly from a float on Mardis Gras night.

The official Cap Aussie.

The official Cap Aussie.

I dug a little deeper and discovered a Kick Ass style vigilante in Brisbane who has adopted the Captain Australia moniker.  His banner looked promising.  It is only fitting that our great nation is represented by a muscle bound hunk in unforgiving lycra.  However I’m unconvinced by the shield. I believe it should be an esky lid.

Moving in the right direction.

Moving in the right direction*

Sadly in a text book case of reality blowing, the dude’s website failed to live up to the hype. On the positive, the cricketing gloves are a nice touch.

Here's our hero.

The real life Captain Australia. Reality blows my friends.*

Further investigation yielded some interesting results. A fetching young hunk named Jonas does Captain Australia on the kids party circuit.  I’m quite partial to his interpretation. The boomerang is banging as is the Aussie flag cod piece. If I have any criticism, it is that the long red socks should be replaced with cricketing pads.

Jonas does Cap Aussie.

Jonas does Cap Aussie.

As comely as he is, Jonas is not quite the hero I’d imagined.  For starters, he is missing the all important esky lid shield. I also strongly believe he should wield other evil slaying  paraphernalia such as BBQ tongs and a bullet deflecting stubby holder. I was encouraged to stumble upon this work of genius by the awesome comic book artist Neill Cameron. Here Cap Aussie is envisioned as a bronzed surfie dude with his generous  undies on the outside. The radiation deflecting zinc cream on the nose is a delightful add in. While I’m happy to run with the boomerang as the weapon of choice, I am crest fallen over the absence of the esky lid shield. This should be NON NEGOTIABLE. To me this should be Cap Oz’ signature piece of equipment. Also I am dismayed about the choice of beverage. Freakin’ xxxx? You’ve got to be kidding. Surely there is no other option but VB.

Stone the flamin' crows cobber!

Stone the flamin’ crows cobber!

 

Now that we’ve got Cap Aussie’s look down pat its time to cast him in the inevitable film franchise. Hamish Blake you are being summoned to the casting couch.

Hamish Blake in lycra. What more does this country need?

Hamish Blake in lycra. What more does this country need?

 

How would you portray a fair dinkum, true blue Aussie hero? Who would you invite to the casting couch?

Love

Mumabulous

PS: The sequels virtually write themselves. In Cap Aussie 2 – ANZAC, he teams up with his mate from across the ditch Captain Kiwi. (Who will be played by NZ’s sexiest man – Jermaine Clement)
In Cap Aussie 3 – ANZUS our two heroes will go head to head with Captain America.

 

 

* ANSTO – Australian Nuclear Science and Technology Organisation

* The pictures have been unashamedly pilfered from http://www.captainaustralia.net/

* Jonas can be found at http://www.superherocentral.com.au/ (absolutely NOT sponsored – just acknowledging where the photo came from)

* Check out Neill Cameron’s stuff at http://www.neillcameron.com. He does a lot of the 10th and 11th Dr Who so YOU WILL LIKE IT.

20 thoughts on “Captain Australia

  1. Hamish is a bloody legend! Phar Lap?? You can’t claim that can you – I thought it was a Kiwi like me?! Mmmmm Mumabulous

    • I just did a fact check as all good journalists should. You are right – Phar Lap is Kiwi born. However like Russell Crow and the Finn brothers we’ll claim him as our own when it suits us.

  2. Holy dingoes dongers Mumabulous! This is so funny I am reading it on the train silently shaking. It is awkward for the gentleman I am sandwiched up against. Or not, he is quite a bit of crumpet actually.
    Captain Oz for PM!

  3. Oh too late! I didn’t have the courage to snap a pic. I mean I was REALLY SQUASHED AGAINST HIM. It would have been OBVIOUS.

  4. Firstly, I have to stop you at your opening paragraph. What do you mean that it’s weird to spend time in Marvel Universe? It’s a perfectly valid place to spend your time – and when not reading comics, “who would win…” is the next best thing.
    Secondly, as someone who LOVES Capt America (though I will acknowledge as an adult I was a little propaganda-brainwashed, unwittingly, like in Kiss of the Spiderwoman -I only worked this out a few years back, seriously!), Capt Australia would never work, as the Capt’s charm is the EARNESTNESS, which we Aussies don’t do (too lame for us, we’re too cruisy).
    I LOVE however, the MardiGras float idea. They should do that, for sure.

    I’d cast Bomber Thompson, because he does earnestness and seriousness well. (keep drug jokes to yourself)

  5. I agree with Sarah. Captain Oz for PM! Gazza Dazza with his esky lid shield couldn’t be any worse than the other options. Sigh. I do remember reading this first time around and having a giggle. xo

  6. Hysterical! How about an Australian Wonder Woman? I’m thinking someone like Sharon Strzelecki from Kath & Kim.

  7. Being someone who graduated from high school in 1988, there is a fair chance you might have watched the 1980s version of Astroboy on ABC TV. I certainly did – but I had no choice because I was living in western Queensland and ABC was the only channel!

    Anyway, there is a famous episode of Astroboy (surely Dadabulous will vouch for this) where there is a search to find the greatest robot in the world. This evil horned (horny?) robot tracks down most of the other robots and kills them, including an Australian robot called Photar. Photar would be your kind of guy – sensitive, good looking and the protector of orphan kids. Photar’s only flaw was that he was solar-powered and so, on a rainy day at Uluru, he meets his horny/horned end.

    Here’s a link to a piccie (hopefully). I’m sure you could cast your favourite Aussie crumpet to play him in the movie. He probably looks more like Andy Lee than Hamish Blake but I’ll let you decide.

    http://astroboy.wikia.com/wiki/Photar

  8. An Aussie man in lycra? Oh dear, it’s a little too close to the federal election… all I see is Tony Abbott in his budgie smugglers!

  9. Maybe Hamish & Andy could be like the Aussie Wonder Twins!! Great post – reckon we could use a true blue Captain Aussie for sure! 🙂

  10. It’s just so perfect to share this post, this week. How sad that I can’t picture any of our political leaders adequately filling out the spandex suit and cape. Hamish Blake, on the other hand… If you need any help with Jemaine Clement when it comes to that casting couch, let me know!

  11. haha love it! You definitely can’t forget the pluggers. They can be used as both footwear and a weapon ala Housos.

  12. I’d watch anything with Hamish Blake in it, Lycra or not! Same goes for Jermaine!

  13. Hmmm. Let’s make it a female superhero. Ain’t enough of those. Goes against the crumpet theme, but hey, you gots to break the rules every now and then.

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