A Brief History Of Crumpet – Vol 1


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A  faux sponsored post brought to you by Golden Crumpets. The only remuneration Mumabulous will receive for this is your undying respect and admiration.


Contrary to popular belief crumpet didn’t suddenly swing into being when Michael Fassbender disrobed for the movie 300. It merely experienced what economists refer to as a cyclical peak.

iPods normally drive me nuts but there's one I'd like to fiddle with.

iPods normally drive me nuts but there’s one I’d like to fiddle with.

Crumpet began with Creation itself. After God was done with making the vast, expanding universe SHE took a good look around and said to Herself ” Hmmmm billions of spiral galaxies and black holes yada, yada are OK  but I could really use some serious eye candy”.  SHE  then set about making a dude from clay. I’d like to think that SHE modeled her master work on the image above. Heck – its what I would do, if I were omnipotent. Being a generous deity SHE created Eve in Her own image in order to share the love. Sadly it wasn’t long before things went pair shaped (and I’m not just talking about Eve’s womanly thighs). Bored by her wholesome beefcake, Eve was tempted by a serpentine bad boy and got kicked out of the gated estate of Eden for her trouble. It was a scenario that would unfortunately be repeated thousands of times through out history. It would also inspire a dodgy television advertisement for Brut 33 aftershave* as well as some appalling Halloween costumes.

Figs leaves were the new black in Eden.

Figs leaves were the new black in Eden.

The  millennia flew by. A charismatic upstart named Moses pulled big time with a neat party trick – the parting of the Red Sea. This feat, accompanied with sleazy lines like “Hey girl, I’ll take you to the promised land” proved to be one of the best pick up tactics in all of history. Chicks followed Moses in their thousands.

I'd like to see 1D do that.

I’d like to see 1D do that.

Moses remained da crumpet man for quite some time. Finally a studly young trades man from Nazareth turned water into wine at a party and became  Jesus Christ Superstar. He was renowned for his posse of hos and bros.

JC beats off a groupie.

JC beats off a groupie.

Co-incidently  at around the same time a man called Brian had difficulty convincing everyone that he “wasn’t the Messiah. Just a very naughty boy”.

Not the Messiah?

Just a very naughty boy!

By now crumpet had stepped up to the next level. In Rome ladies piled into stadium venues like the Colosseum to get an eyeful of muscle bound hunks dressed in scanty leather engaging in riveting sword play.

I am Crumpetus Hawtus Maximus!

I am Crumpetus Hawtus Maximus!

Just a hop, skip and a jump away in ancient Greece, the Spartans invented and patented the six pack. They also coined the phrase “ab-tastic”.

The six pack was invented by the Spartans.

The six pack was invented by the Spartans.

Crumpet indeed reached a cyclical high with the rise of the Spartan Empire. Sadly for crumpet, this era was immortalized by some very bad films including Meet The Spartans. Oh my – is that Kevin “Hercules” Zorbo rocking his inner Spartan?

Hercules does Sparta.

Hercules does Sparta.

Thus endeth the first chapter of my history of crumpet. I hope you’ll join me next time as I explore the Renaissance, Elizabethan and Regency eras. Tempted?



* Brut 33 was the Lynx of its day. Here is the link to the 1983 Adam and Eve advertisement. I’m digging its Benny Hill vibe.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tI5VuiGt_I

18 thoughts on “A Brief History Of Crumpet – Vol 1

  1. I’m looking forward to Victorian and Edwardian crumpet, personally, when things were a whole lot more tightly buttoned and yet strangely alluring! (I take as my historical research a long list of mini series involving Colin Firth which obviously depict real life exactly as it would have been in ye olden days.) My Darcy would have been a Brut 33 man given the chance.

  2. Love your fascination with hunky men – segues neatly into my obsession de jour. Two words. Daryl. Dixon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Iy4Ps1vO3Y – the reason why I wish The Walking Dead was a documentary 🙂

  3. Haha! Ok, then. Just give me the crossbow man…

  4. I wish you taught me history at high school, I haven’t concentrated that hard in a long time x

  5. For some reason I feel a crumpet for breakfast. Nice work.

  6. My toaster has a “crumpet” setting on it. If you know what I mean. That doesn’t make sense but phwooaaaarrr. Cannot wait for the next instalments.

  7. Hilarious! History never look so good. Am so glad you mentioned Mr Darcy… no history of crumpet could be consider complete without an Austin-esque hero, and Colin Firth is the epitome of all things Austin! When you hit the Elizabethen era check out The Devil’s Whore; a very mediocre TV miniseries but it will take you the full cirle of spunk… back to the Fass as Thomas Rainsborough!

  8. I want to see some hot cross buns in your next instalment please. I don’t know what would have to happen to make them hot and cross… but i will butter them. Oh yes. Butter.

  9. I like my crumpets hawt, looking forward to another history lesson 😉

  10. Pingback: A to Z of Me – F is for…

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