A faux sponsored post brought to you by Golden Crumpets. The only remuneration Mumabulous will receive for this is your undying respect and admiration.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF CRUMPET – VOL 1
Contrary to popular belief crumpet didn’t suddenly swing into being when Michael Fassbender disrobed for the movie 300. It merely experienced what economists refer to as a cyclical peak.
Crumpet began with Creation itself. After God was done with making the vast, expanding universe SHE took a good look around and said to Herself ” Hmmmm billions of spiral galaxies and black holes yada, yada are OK but I could really use some serious eye candy”. SHE then set about making a dude from clay. I’d like to think that SHE modeled her master work on the image above. Heck – its what I would do, if I were omnipotent. Being a generous deity SHE created Eve in Her own image in order to share the love. Sadly it wasn’t long before things went pair shaped (and I’m not just talking about Eve’s womanly thighs). Bored by her wholesome beefcake, Eve was tempted by a serpentine bad boy and got kicked out of the gated estate of Eden for her trouble. It was a scenario that would unfortunately be repeated thousands of times through out history. It would also inspire a dodgy television advertisement for Brut 33 aftershave* as well as some appalling Halloween costumes.
The millennia flew by. A charismatic upstart named Moses pulled big time with a neat party trick – the parting of the Red Sea. This feat, accompanied with sleazy lines like “Hey girl, I’ll take you to the promised land” proved to be one of the best pick up tactics in all of history. Chicks followed Moses in their thousands.
Moses remained da crumpet man for quite some time. Finally a studly young trades man from Nazareth turned water into wine at a party and became Jesus Christ Superstar. He was renowned for his posse of hos and bros.
Co-incidently at around the same time a man called Brian had difficulty convincing everyone that he “wasn’t the Messiah. Just a very naughty boy”.
By now crumpet had stepped up to the next level. In Rome ladies piled into stadium venues like the Colosseum to get an eyeful of muscle bound hunks dressed in scanty leather engaging in riveting sword play.
Just a hop, skip and a jump away in ancient Greece, the Spartans invented and patented the six pack. They also coined the phrase “ab-tastic”.
Crumpet indeed reached a cyclical high with the rise of the Spartan Empire. Sadly for crumpet, this era was immortalized by some very bad films including Meet The Spartans. Oh my – is that Kevin “Hercules” Zorbo rocking his inner Spartan?
Thus endeth the first chapter of my history of crumpet. I hope you’ll join me next time as I explore the Renaissance, Elizabethan and Regency eras. Tempted?
* Brut 33 was the Lynx of its day. Here is the link to the 1983 Adam and Eve advertisement. I’m digging its Benny Hill vibe. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tI5VuiGt_I