Lately I’ve been wandering around in a haze, distracted and just a little anxious. It would be completely credible to blame it on two kids, part time work and maintaining a house with five bathrooms. Yet I if I’m honest, my on line “life” is contributing to the problem. From the cursory research I’ve conducted ie: a five minute faff on Google, blogging anxiety disorder (BAD) hasn’t yet made it into shrink’s Bible the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual DSM. Nevertheless at the rate that baby’s expanding BAD will soon be a bona fide condition complete with specialized counselors and targeted cognitive behaviour therapy. No worry – Mumabulous is here to help. Bloggers can avoid reaching crisis point by taking digital detoxes. Regular vacations from the worlds of Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Instagram, Pinterest and whatever else are a reboot for the brain and a detox for the soul.
Here are some signs that you are suffering BAD and need a digi-tox.
- You live your life through the prism of your blog your social media platforms. A simple coffee with friends becomes an instagram opportunity, a DVD night in will surely end up as a review post and you’ll blog the bejeepers out of your kids’ birthday parties.
- Speaking of kids, there once was a time when you put effort into their activities and spent both quality and quantity time with them. Nowadays you simply shove them in front of the TV so that you can blog.
- If your kids are hapless enough to interrupt your Twitter or Facebook updating session with unreasonable requests for food you bristle with anger. You mentally swat them away like mosquitoes.
- If however they attempt to extract you from your computer so that they can watch My Farking Little Farking Pony, you experience complete mental and emotional meltdown. It looks a bit like this.
- Coming up with witty, entertaining and most importantly re-tweetable tweets is draining mental resources you simply don’t have.
- You’re actually losing sleep lying awake agonizing over blog material.
- You have a nagging fear that something you’ve released into cyber space will return to bite you on the bum.
- In fact you look over the shite you’ve posted and raise an eyebrow at yourself. The experience at once uncomfortable and titillating. You fret that appear a total twat and no one will ever, ever take you seriously again. Except (in my case) when it comes to the hawtness of Michael Fassbender because obviously I’m the world’s leading expert on that.
- You find yourself spending large amounts of time doing nothing but clicking from Facebook to Twitter, to both your email accounts and back to your blog again. Wash, rinse repeat. There goes an hour of your life that you’ll never get back. Meanwhile the vacuuming won’t do itself – its a lazy son of a biatch.
- Your only knowledge of TV, movies, music and general popular culture comes from what you’ve read on Twitter and Facebook. The Chez Abulous Media Centre is groaning under the weight of quality viewing I’ve neglected but won’t allow Dadabulous to delete. Waiting for me is MisFits Series 4, Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and a Louis Theroux documentary on the porn industry.
- You spend more time communing with your online friends than you do with your IRL friends. Remember them? They were cool which is why you liked them IRL.
- You say things like IRL when you mean “in real life”.
- If you spent less time on the interwebs you’d be concerned with important matters like whats behind the sudden and unanticipated plunge in the gold price. Alas your pre-occupations are increasingly juvenile.
- Meanwhile your thought patterns are becoming ever more random and disjointed………. Hey Jeremy Renner. What are you doing here? You cheeky monkey. I told you boys I was on a crumpet detox. Come back on Monday.
- Your fitness is suffering. Did you know that the fabric of space time is expanding at the speed of light? Pity I can’t say the same for the fabric of my pants. This weight gain has to stop. Time to go for a walk.
Its all of the above for me and its crystal clear that I’m suffering BAD. Will I actually follow my own advice and take an internet sabbatical ? Meh- probably not. How about you? Are the interwebs doing your head in? Do you need to detox?
* TWC or Thinking Women’s Crumpet is permissible while on a Crumpet Detox. My blog, my detox, my rules.
* I think you can see through my ruse. Jeremy was a flimsy excuse for me to link to the classic 1982 hit by ABC.
Don’t laugh. Tom Hiddleston, born in 1983, was conceived to this. In fact, Gen Y as a whole has 80s sax to thank for its existence.