Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell


The ranks of the social commentators in our major news publications are being filled by a sassy new breed.  These young whipper snappers are obviously smart and not afraid to arouse public debate.  That said, some of them have not yet reached the stage of their emotional development where they can distinguish their arse from their elbow*. I read something  ridiculous in the Fairfax rag over the weekend and just had to share it with you. Journalist Katherine Feeney said that she didn’t think it was right to think about other people while you are engaged in intimate relations with your spouse. Huh? Come again? Or not as the case may be if you can’t contemplate your favorite crumpet during business time.

Your favorite crumpet

Your favorite crumpet

Katherine dearie – its about as wrong as the sun rising each morning. Complex studies conducted by the world’s leading psychologists have concluded that 95% of people fantasize about crumpet other than their spouse while folk dancing horizontally and 5% of people lie. In fact it has been found that about the only time one thinks of their spouse during sex is when one is engaged in extra marital shenanigans.

Here’s some anecdotal evidence from real life. A friend of a friend found after several years of marriage, whilst she still adored her husband, her mojo needed a little assistance. She recruited Russel Crowe, specifically Russel Crowe in the movie Gladiator. More specifically the scene where he removes his helmet addresses the colosseum  – “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next”.   In short – BOOM!

Maximus Mojo

Maximus Mojo

Another friend received great service in this regard from Ralph Fiennes (hopefully not as Voldemort). She had to relieve Ralph of his duties after the regrettable Qantas incident but I am happy to report that  she filled the position with True Blood’s Alexander Skarsgård. So far his performance has been stellar.

Ralph Fiennes out . Alex Skarsgard in. Good call.

Ralph Fiennes out . Alex Skarsgard in. Good call.

There is nothing, zero, zip, nada wrong with this unless you vocalize it. I’m sure screaming ” Ryan, Ryan Gosling Or Reynolds interchangeable” at the moment of peak joy would be quite disconcerting for your husband.  Conversely listening to  your him wax lyrical about Scarlet Johanssen is unlikely to enhance your experience. It follows that you should NEVER under ANY circumstances ask who is floating your husband’s boat. You will be at best lied to or at worst subject yourself to unfavorable comparisons. I’d hazard a guess that the naughty movie in Dadab’s head features a younger Elle McPherson, The Doctors latest companion, Hex from Good Game or indeed one of the implausibly buxom wenches from any number of good games. He’s wise enough not to tell me.

Dadab is impressed with the Dr's latest companion

Dadab is quite taken by the Dr’s latest companion

Similarly I’d never tell Dadab’s  how much I’d like to hoist Horatio Hornblower’s main sail.

Oh my - that's an impressive pistol you're brandishing.

Oh my – that’s an impressive pistol you’re brandishing.

For the sake of  Katherine Feeney’s education, I re-iterate, there is nothing wrong with thinking about other people during rumpy pumpy. Its simply the way the cognitive process works. Stopping it is like trying to stop the weather. Can you imagine lying there telling yourself ” Don’t think about Colin Firth. Don’t think about Colin Firth”? Its not going to work for anyone. Just open the mental doors to  Colin Firth and enjoy the visit. I’m sure everyone (including your husband) will agree that it beats losing your mojo to thoughts of the housework as per this entertaining piece by Bettina Arndt.

I conclude that while Dont Ask, Don’t Tell didn’t work so well for gays in the US military it can sometimes be the best policy when in comes to our love lives.

Do you ever discuss your fantasy crumpet with your partner?



* A favorite saying of my father – from the same vernacular that brought us phrases like “as dry as a nun’s nastie” and “couldn’t organize a naughty in a brothel”.

* Lucky for me no one is less interested in this blog than Dadab.


58 thoughts on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

  1. Two words. The only two words I seem to speak these days. Daryl Dixon.

  2. hahaha – love this post. Ryan Ryan Ryan 😉 nothing wrong with it AT ALL! 😉

  3. If I comment here again about Colin Firth or the Fass I’m sure it will start to look a tad obsessive… potentially stalkerish! So, in the public interest I will move on to Eddie Redmayne. Not a classic Hollywood Hunk but has the winning ranga charm and man can sing… swoon!

  4. Reminds me a little of the man I’m married to sooooo would we call it cheating? Not even!

  5. ahhhh the new Doctor Who bird…..

    Cheers for yet another giggle on the bus on the way to work.

  6. Oh Katherine, I’m not saying goodbye to Johnny or Colin or Ryan or Ryan or David or… It’d hurt their feelings! 😉

  7. Wait. You’re supposed to THINK on the job? Maybe I’ll give it a burl….

  8. Oh and regarding the new girl, she is super cute. I was actually saying to my husband last Sunday, as the family and I sat around for our weekly Dr Who viewing, she is the first of the girls I have taken to immediately and thought was good enough for him (not counting the girls of my childhood). Dh remained diplomatically quiet 🙂 I never liked Martha, she was pretty but there was just nothing going on below the surface, and it took me a while to warm to Rose. River Song grew on me too. Loved the Ponds but they were a team. But this is the first one I’ve taken to immediately. Yep, she has the Ace seal of approval. I hear she talks very highly of me, too…

  9. Bahahaha!!! I think about crumpets all the time!
    I think my husband does too but won’t tell me. I reckon his is Jessica Alba. Pretty, cute butt but man, as dumb as a box of hammers. No competition for me 🙂

  10. Unfortunately this week I’m trying out the whole ‘I quit sugar’ fad, so whatever I’m doing – horizontal or otherwise – I may literally be thinking of crumpet. With honey…mmmmm.

  11. I am not going to answer this on the grounds that it may incriminate me one day down the track, But rest assured, your theory is sound!

  12. Bwahahaha! I think I must be doing it wrong! I can appreciate others when out but I obviously have a crap imagination!
    It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. 😉

  13. Love it! It reminded me of this video by Jenna Marbles actually. Aptly titled ‘What girls think about during sex’

  14. I’m pretty sure my husband was thinking about Jennifer Love Hewitt last night, because we’d just watched the 2nd episode of her new show in the US, and discussed how she is at the top of his celebrity hall pass list. That’s ok, because my mind might have also been elsewhere, like on Sam Worthington. I think as long as you’re thinking about a celebrity and not a coworker or neighbour, you’re in the clear. If it’s one of the latter, there might be some trouble. – Aroha

    • Sam Worthington has the Mumabulous tick of approval and there has been far too little of him on this blog. I will have to rectify the situation soon. Jennifer Love Who?

  15. The only time you think of your spouse is during extramarital shenanigans….hahahahahaha.
    I admit that I’m not generally much of a fantasiser, but after reading this I think I might be missing out. I’m so giving it a crack…, Clive Owen, or Joe Manganiello???

  16. I like the saying “look but don’t touch” and “window shopping is good as long as you come home for dessert” !!
    To be honest nothing much happens around here (we live in a motorhome and we are finding a lack of us time!!) for me to have a fantasy about…wish I could say it was different!

  17. Brilliant post: When I’m in bed with Christian Grey, I wouldn’t dare think about my husband :0)

  18. ALEX totally floats my big dirty boat – LOVE IT! Cha-Ching! You never fail me muma, thanks for the eye candy – and I couldn’t agree more. In saying that I’d prefer not to know who the Husband is thinking about, I’ll just bury my head in sand and pretend it’s me 😉 Em xxx

  19. Young people today don’t know anything. I have to say I don’t fantasise about crumpet, but mostly about ice cream. Ice cream and Mr Darcy. Maybe even ice cream on Mr Darcy. Combining my two favourite pastimes really.

    • Sarah – I thought that you of all people would be ahem onboard with the whole Horatio Hornblower thing. Truly a character that keeps on giving. Anyhow, I’m very interested in the juxtaposition of ice cream and Colin Firth. What flavor were you thinking?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s