The ranks of the social commentators in our major news publications are being filled by a sassy new breed. These young whipper snappers are obviously smart and not afraid to arouse public debate. That said, some of them have not yet reached the stage of their emotional development where they can distinguish their arse from their elbow*. I read something ridiculous in the Fairfax rag over the weekend and just had to share it with you. Journalist Katherine Feeney said that she didn’t think it was right to think about other people while you are engaged in intimate relations with your spouse. Huh? Come again? Or not as the case may be if you can’t contemplate your favorite crumpet during business time.
Katherine dearie – its about as wrong as the sun rising each morning. Complex studies conducted by the world’s leading psychologists have concluded that 95% of people fantasize about crumpet other than their spouse while folk dancing horizontally and 5% of people lie. In fact it has been found that about the only time one thinks of their spouse during sex is when one is engaged in extra marital shenanigans.
Here’s some anecdotal evidence from real life. A friend of a friend found after several years of marriage, whilst she still adored her husband, her mojo needed a little assistance. She recruited Russel Crowe, specifically Russel Crowe in the movie Gladiator. More specifically the scene where he removes his helmet addresses the colosseum – “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next”. In short – BOOM!
Another friend received great service in this regard from Ralph Fiennes (hopefully not as Voldemort). She had to relieve Ralph of his duties after the regrettable Qantas incident but I am happy to report that she filled the position with True Blood’s Alexander Skarsgård. So far his performance has been stellar.
There is nothing, zero, zip, nada wrong with this unless you vocalize it. I’m sure screaming ” Ryan, Ryan Gosling Or Reynolds interchangeable” at the moment of peak joy would be quite disconcerting for your husband. Conversely listening to your him wax lyrical about Scarlet Johanssen is unlikely to enhance your experience. It follows that you should NEVER under ANY circumstances ask who is floating your husband’s boat. You will be at best lied to or at worst subject yourself to unfavorable comparisons. I’d hazard a guess that the naughty movie in Dadab’s head features a younger Elle McPherson, The Doctors latest companion, Hex from Good Game or indeed one of the implausibly buxom wenches from any number of good games. He’s wise enough not to tell me.
Similarly I’d never tell Dadab’s how much I’d like to hoist Horatio Hornblower’s main sail.
For the sake of Katherine Feeney’s education, I re-iterate, there is nothing wrong with thinking about other people during rumpy pumpy. Its simply the way the cognitive process works. Stopping it is like trying to stop the weather. Can you imagine lying there telling yourself ” Don’t think about Colin Firth. Don’t think about Colin Firth”? Its not going to work for anyone. Just open the mental doors to Colin Firth and enjoy the visit. I’m sure everyone (including your husband) will agree that it beats losing your mojo to thoughts of the housework as per this entertaining piece by Bettina Arndt.
I conclude that while Dont Ask, Don’t Tell didn’t work so well for gays in the US military it can sometimes be the best policy when in comes to our love lives.
Do you ever discuss your fantasy crumpet with your partner?
* A favorite saying of my father – from the same vernacular that brought us phrases like “as dry as a nun’s nastie” and “couldn’t organize a naughty in a brothel”.
* Lucky for me no one is less interested in this blog than Dadab.