Mornings

34 Comments

For the inaugural link up at The Lounge.

 Theme: What did you think you would be better at by now?

“What’s the story morning glory? Well”.  Sod orf Oasis you 1990s Beatles rip off merchants. To be fair to the Gallagher brothers however I can relate to this next bit;[

“Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to wake up wake up”

1990s mega rock Gods but not crumpets.

1990s mega rock Gods perhaps but not crumpets.

Mornings are and always have been the bane of my existence. I have no sense of what morning glory is. By contrast my mornings are  inglorious bastards.  Some people are able to haul their butts out of bed at 5.00am (WTF), work out with their personal trainer, have a shower and get into their office by 8.30am immaculately groomed. This concept is so fantastical to me, it barely computes. Its like plans to colonize Mars – theoretically possible but wont happen in my lifetime.  I marvel that people, especially parents, manage to duck into their work place before 9.00am with blow dried hair. It was a feat I could barely manage before kids.

At this stage of my life I really should have implemented an efficient morning routine.  Nup. I’m usually woken by an unpleasant light penetrating my eye lids at around 6.00am. Occasionally I open my eyes long enough to witness a spectacular ocean sunrise through the boudoir window. Thoughts of getting up and appreciating nature’s artistry flicker through my mind but are rapidly shut down. Normally I put head back to pillow  and resume an ongoing imagined conversation with Tom Hiddleston. Doesn’t everyone conduct saucy inner dialogues with handsome young actors?

H: Loki is a quote-unquote “bad assed mother forker”*

M: Darling with respect , I beg to differ.

H: I love it when you beg with respect. Do go on.

M: In your street parlance, Loki is a quote-unquote “pussy in a silly hat” just like this amusing Tumblr photo.

This speaks volumes about my feelings for Hiddles.

The cat has a couple of powerful points.

H: Puss has derailed the thrust of my thesis. Evil forker.

M: (in a Mrs Slocombe voice). Mah pussy wants you to mount a counter argument but I’m going back to sleep now. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Five minutes later, I’m woken with vigorous poking. Sadly its not Hids in rebuttal.  I recognize the sensation of a foot to the cranial region. When Rod Stewart sang to Maggie May “All you did was wreck my bed, And in the morning kick me in the head”*, this was not what he was talking about.

This feline metaphor just wont quit!

Its the girls with an invigorating chorus of “Muuuuuuuuuuum. I’m hungry. Muuuuuuuuuum I’m thirsty. Muuuuuuuuuuum I need the twoilet. Muuuuuuuuuum!”

“Go to Daddy.” I mumble. However Dadabs, crazy freak  that he is, has already risen and is emerging from the shower. “Its time to get up Mum” he orders sternly.  I bellow “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” like a wounded cow  and follow up  with a string of expletives.  “Yeh, yeh. Tell me something new”  Dadabs responds. “It doesnt change the fact that its time to get up”. Finally using a mental crow bar I pry myself from the comfort of the sheets.

I fail to function without coffee and an instant wont do.  For me its like substituting a Ryan for a Fass. I insist upon walking down my local high street for a  fix and 20 minutes is faffed away faster than you can order a large skinny cap. I then consume “my precious” in front of the computer and fritter more valuable minutes.

The morning coffee faff.

The morning coffee faff.

These crazy people are exercising at 7.00am. Wuzup with dat?

These crazy people are exercising at 7.00am. Wuzup with dat?

By this stage I guiltily realize  that I haven’t fed my kids. Its time to put on my short order cooks hat. After the joyous ritual of deciding what combination of cereal and fruit to have in which bowl we’re ready to get dressed. I switch to personal stylist mode. I wonder whether clowns in the circus require the services of personal stylists because  I’m well qualified. I am also highly skilled in doing two things at once. Choosing socks for P2 whilst putting P1’s hair into high pig tails? Piece of cake. Finally the girls are dressed and shod ( we’ve usually been through at least three shoes and sock combinations) with coiffed hair and we’re ready to leave the house. Unfortunately there’s a minor obstacle – the fact that I haven’t showered or dressed. Boom goes the sound barrier as I leap into the bathroom to wash dry and dress at warp speed. I’m a  bit like this misnamed piece of hardware.

Zoooooom. Mumabs showers and dresses at warp speed.

Zoooooom. Mumabs showers and dresses at warp speed.

Finally with a quick tug of a comb through the hair and a smear of Oil of Olay we’re in the car and on our way.  After a double drop off I stagger into my office and face plant on the desk. I feel as bad as I look.  At least I have 24 hours respite before we have to do it all again.

Have you got this morning caper in the bag yet or are you as hopeless as me? Do you just “need a little time to wake up, wake up”?

Rise and Shine Loves

Mumabulous

* A direct quote from an interview. Except he said “mother fucker” with beautifully rounded vowels.

* Ok I’ll stop banging on about the stoopid Avengers. However I can’t make the same promise about the new Star Trek movie. Isn’t Benedict Cumberbatch dishy as the latest bad assed mother forker?  He should be renamed Benedict Crumpetbatch and

together we shall be known as Brendadict.

together we shall be known as Brendadict.

* Rod Stewart – Maggie May 1971

As a performer Rod gives so much of himself. Bless him.

As a performer Rod gives so much of himself. Bless him.


34 thoughts on “Mornings

  1. Haha, the Benedict stuff is priceless. And yep, he’s a honey as a baddy. Am just hanging out for the new Sherlocks too – HURRY UP CUMBERBATCH! Don’t care if you’ve got other lucrative stuff going on, just do it. As for Mr Stewart. Yeuch. Now I remember why I never, ever fancied him. Great voice, great performer, but do I think you’re sexy? No. No I don’t.

    99% of the time I wake up at approx 5.30. Earlier in summer. I am not able to be nice to anybody until approximately 7am. And then it’s only very temporary, if you don’t harrass me in any way I can manage civility. Caffeine helps, a bit. I even despise it when people say hello to me in the morning. Leave. Me. Alone. The fact that some nights I barely sleep does not stop my biological alarm from waking me as soon as the fricken Kookaburras start. Many’s the morning I have thought about buying a shotgun and making Kookaburra kebabs. Basically, if it’s quiet, I can sleep. But a sparrow farts outside the bedroom, and my eyes fly open like that woman in the Evil Dead. So, I am a totally non morning person who always wakes up around dawn.

    Someone, somewhere, has got a sense of humour. (Clue, it’s not me at 6am).

  2. Booyah! The inaugural loungey post for the inaugural Lounge linkup! But please, Brenda, ROD? Put him AWAY. As for the mornings, you are me and I am you. I’m cowering under the sheets until the very, last, second. Then BOOM! The sonic jets hit the slipstream. Oh … wait… just let me stop by the computer with my cup of tea. We must never, ever, ever hang out in the morning together. EVER. [x Kim AKA Lounge Lizard the III]

  3. HATE mornings. Why do they have to be so early? I am not, never have been and never will be a morning person. Meanwhile, my Mum is not only an early riser but she would manage to wake at 5am and then do all her washing, ironing, cleaning, gardening AND have freshly baked scones into the bargain all done before 8am. If I ever say I was up early iike for example 6am, and therefore tired, she just gives me a withering look. I wouldn’t be sure I am really her daughter except for the fact that I’m physically her clone.

    • I decree that your mother is crazy. Meanwhile my Dad will rise at 4.30am to drive (1.5 hours) to Bowral to play golf. Tee off at 6.00am to avoid the crowds of amateurs. People just get crazier as they age.

      • Ness, I have to concur with Brenda. That mother-person doesn’t sound quite right. Not a mother. Perhaps a robot. Have you checked to see if she’s got an off-switch?

  4. Am not a morning person either. Someone usually wakes me around 5.30 but I crawl back into bed at the first opportunity and my husband usually lures me out of bed with coffee after he gets back from the gym (am also not a gym person). My younger children wander aimlessly like neglected waifs until he gets home. I love a sleep in- may have something to do with the fact that I faff about on the Internets until all hours!

    BTW: Benedict is delicious… Rod, totally misguided!

  5. Rod and his pussy are hilarious- I’ll credit you that!
    You’ll be pleased to know I walked past a stand of Golden Crumpets at Woolies today and laughed out loud! My two year old look at me strangely and asked ‘What funny mummy?’

    • The mascot the Golden Crumpet people are using is just soooo lame. Benedict Crumpetbatch however would have them selling like proverbial hotcakes. George Weston Foods need to call me like yesterday.

  6. I have two words: Tummy jewelry. WTAF?
    Rod was one crazy cat. Boom!

    Welcome to The Lounge Mumabs! We all hope you stay a while X

  7. Hilarious! Can so relate…at least you shower. I don’t even do that some days but we do get out for a morning walk. That’s gotta count for something right? 🙂

  8. Mornings would be much easier to do if there were at a more reasonable time. DS was up at 530 this morning and despite being sick..has way too much energy for this time of the morning.
    Thanks for linking up!

  9. Funnily enough my post ends with this exact same thing. I am not, have never been and never will be a morning person. Ever. It just ain’t gonna happen. Thank God I married one otherwise Punky would never be let out of her cot!

  10. Seriously, who exercises like that, at that time? I can barely manage a shower and coffee before 6pm.

  11. I have a confession to make… because Brook does all the morning drop-offs, I get myself ready and then sashay out the door. I know from bitter experieince if I stop and provide assistance with even ONE thing I will get sucked into the vortex and end up at work in a state much like you described.

    I am the one woman I know who NEVER has to pack the school lunches. When I tell some mothers that they look at me like they’d like to wipe that smug grin right off my face 😉

    Thank you so much Brenda for being part of The Lounge’s innaugural link up. It just wouldn’t have been the same without you!

  12. I remember living in Annandale, pre-kids, and being completely hung over and heading down to the bay area, by the water, the morning after and thinking “Who are these morning people, walking dogs and running?” – I later became one of those people, post kids. So now, I somehow can manage mornings. HOWEVER! I am so incredibly jealous that you can walk to buy decent coffee – sadly it’s a car drive away for me, but I am excited to have found a cafe, out west, that serves Campos coffee and Toby’s Estate coffee. I tip them big, just for existing in the West. 🙂

    I am also belly laughing at Rod Spew-Stew.

  13. God, I thought a morning glory was something entirely different!! Miss Mac saw the lovely Benedict on TV the other day and said, ‘Oh, look Mum, there’s that actor you fancy, Bendadick’ – she has NO idea how close she was to my fantasy!

  14. Oh those photos of Rod are going to haunt my dreams – and not in a good way. I’m not too bad at getting into the day of a morning, but then the kids leave me with little choice. Coffee is a staple though – I’m nothing without caffeine!

  15. I can deal with mornings but only after my 2 double espressos have kicked in. I am loving this new trend of fancy hotel rooms to have a Nespresso machine (not plugging those machines but it does mean I don’t get a cranky headache while I wait for the crowd to get ready for breakfast.

  16. Rod looks pretty hot there, I don’t think I’d get outnofmbed if he was there too – (looking like that). I actually buzz on mornings, just love them. Everything is fresh and life is full of newness and hope. It’s lunch time that I find a drag … 4 more hrs till home time …

  17. Oh wow…..I love early Rod, but the lime shiny pants and gold belly chain may have just made me taste my lunch.
    I need a nap to get over it.

  18. Hilarious recount of a morning routine. I have to say I am by nature a morning person but getting 5 kids out of the house before 8 o’clock is really testing me at the moment!

    • Face it – vintage Rod makes any topic hilarious. As for getting 5 kids out of the house before 8, that would kill me. I’d have to be carted off in a straight jacket.

  19. I so hear you….I swear I am not alive until Lunch Time! And I get woken up by Hubby with coffee….which is usually cold by the time i crawl out of bed. I wake up to my boys STARVING and needing food asap. Its not the best situation ever, wish I could get out of bed and work out before he crazy morning starts…but I am a night owl, Not ever going to be a morning person 🙂

  20. I am totally with you. I hate the mornings. I completely don’t function without a decent coffee (no instant at all!!) and quite often miss my train to work. I always wanted a work world where 10am was the new 8am! Would suit me soooo much better. I don’t know you mothers cope. It’s just me to get ready and let me tell you, that is one enormous task!!! Suffice to say, the place is a mess, the dishes are still dirty, bed unmade and I’m barely functioning. Let’s skip the mornings!!

  21. Stop it with the Rod Stewart photos!!! He’s a grandpa now! (But I bet still as slimey!)
    I never used to be a morning person. These days, I reckon it’s the only time I get 5 minutes to myself. But I never used to be a napper and now I will rest my head on a pillow during the day at any opportunity I can get!!!

    • But there’s nothing funnier than a Rod and a pussy 😉 Will have to dredge up some vintage Tom Jones for next time. I’ll have you asking “Why, Why, Why? Delilah”

  22. Geez Mumab, you’ve burnt my retina with those Rod Stewart photos. I used to be a morning person, when being a morning person wasn’t forced on me. What I would give for a sleep in.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s