Fortunately the human race has moved beyond the primitive belief that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Thanks to Richard Dawkins most of us are comfortable with the notion that men and women evolved on Earth. Yet there are some profound differences in the wiring of the male and female brains. It takes living with a member of the opposite sex for eight years to get a true sense of how wide the chasm is. As Rudyard Kipling famously said “Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet.” *
Here are some things that Dadabulous simply does not get. His lack of understanding is so fundamental, it must be due to brain structure.
1) The nuts.
After eight years of co-habitation, Dadabs insists upon stocking our larder with packets of macadamia/cashew nut combo. He then calls me “evil” for going through the pack and picking out all the macadamias. For reasons unexplained he expects me NOT to do this. Its like expecting the seasons not to change.
2) Hair care
Men fail to notice when your hair looks like crap except in the most extreme of cases. Nor can they see the logic in dropping $150 or more on a salon treatment. I recently had a desperately needed trim and color retouch. Dadabs could not grasp the concept that this routine maintenance was essential. When I returned home I was all smiles, twirling about the kitchen like a super model. He had the audacity to sit back and laugh at me – “I can’t understand the excitement”.
Dadabs lack of appreciation for hair care goes beyond expensive salon treatments. He is NOT attuned to the notion of specialist shampoos. Infact a visit to the personal care section of the supermarket makes him irate. “This is bullshit. Why can’t you get normal shampoo anymore? There is NO normal shampoo here!” I, by contrast, must have “volume boost” products otherwise my hair looks like shit. As he doesn’t get the fundamental premise that my hair looks like shit, he can’t see why volume boost products are needed.
Its a source of much marital tension. Once I was banned from bringing my shampoo on holidays. I had to make do with a product labeled “for normal hair”. My hair is NOT normal – but this idea wont seep into Dadabulous’ frontal lobes. Needless to say I had shit hair for the entire trip.
My shoe collection is expansive but comprised mostly of scuffed ballet flats. Complaining about its lack of “wow” factor falls on deaf ears. Dadabulous doesn’t understand that shoes can have a wow factor as he rarely looks at a woman’s feet. Recently I purchased my first pair of (nearly) thigh high boots. Teaming them with my long leather coat transforms me into Trinity from The Matrix. The downside is that I can’t remove them single handedly.
I warned my husband ” You’re going to laugh about this”. “Am I now?” his expression darkened. “I can’t get my boots off”. Of course I was right. He doubled over laughing.
4) Chick flicks
I never subject Dadabs to chick flicks or “bonnet dramas” because the whining is unbearable. He still complains about foreign films he was subjected to over a decade ago. About 18 months previous on a rare date night, I suggested we see the movie Bridesmaids. Cue eye rolling and groaning. I conceded to see X-men First Class figuring that I could handle gazing at James McAvoy for two hours.
What happened next almost caused my visual processing system to shut down from hawtness. You guessed it – I had my first experience with certain Irish actor and became instantly in-Fass-uated. That I did not end up a puddle on the carpet was an act of super human self control. At the end I commented that “For a comic book film that wasn’t too bad” when what I really meant was “Omigod, I’ve been hit with a baseball bat and come up with stars in my eyes”.
Let this be a lesson to all the men folk. You disdain the chick flick at your peril. If you subject your wife to action films you are actively encouraging perviness in her. Moreover if she is suggesting that you see comic book films you have passed the point of no return – particularly if its Thor 2 with its HHH appeal (Hiddleston, Hemsworth and hammers)
What basic concepts does your husband fail to grasp?
I’m feeling bad about ignoring James McAvoy on that fateful movie date. He is very fetching and has talented eyebrows. I’d put a pic of Fass in here but I fear the blog fans are becoming Fass-tigued.
*From Barrack-room ballads, 1892.
* So NOT sponsored. C’mon who would sponsor my perving?