You Are Making This Hard


Here’s a blog tittle that could easily be misinterpreted. In fact its what I’d like Tom Hiddleston to say to me. Alas this post is yet another reflection on middle age. When you’re nudging your mid 40s and your skin is oily like mine you can’t help but reflect a  little. Previously I’ve advocated having fun with aging and I stand firmly by my argument. After all getting older is a torrent that we can’t dam up indefinitely with macro vegetarian diets, personal trainers and cosmetic surgery.  We’ve little choice but to go with the flow and treat it like  high adrenaline white water rafting.  If we’re all on a slippery slope we’d may as well ski or snowboard that baby like a black run at Thredbo.

My thesis makes sense right? Unfortunately once again I find myself ahead of the curve. Society hasn’t caught up and my radar is picking up a constant barrage of youth and beauty, much of which I find very fetching despite myself. It makes me scrunch up my face in the most wrinkle enhancing way and wonder if I am having fun yet.  Take my aforementioned age inappropriate but nonetheless devastating crush on Hiddles. It’s causing me pain and that’s in the job description for a crumpet. Crumpets are meant to bring sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything that’s wonderful. Tom – I should fire you but with your  joie de vivre and je ne sais quoi

you make my heart leap

you make my heart leap.

Sadly you also make me feel old and frumpy and

aint-nobody-got-time-for-that - med

I could cope if it were just Tom driving me crazy (in fact it would be a most pleasant way to lose one’s marbles)  but youthful hipness is all around me. Recently it seems like the Y in Gen Y stands for “Yes freakin’ please”. To show you what I mean about lets look  at Tom’s former employer – the high end fashion label Burberry. Mr Burberry who are these people and have they hit puberty?

Couture for adolescents?

Does your mother know that you’re out ?

These bright young things have modelling careers and trust funds to pay for their Burberry whilst their impoverished peers fossick through thrift shops for it. Why are you pitching at the recently graduated?  Team Abulous would be your target demographic – if we weren’t tight arses who abhor paying the recommended retail price. Still not only do you alienate us, you insist on torturing us with stuff like this.

Avert your eyes if you have a heart condition.

Mum and Dadabulous are willing to sub in here*

May I suggest that you recast this shoot using Mum & Dadabulous. We have similar colouring and could pass for these two aged forward 20 years. Perhaps you could run a tag line about not accepting sweets from these people to make things a little more edgy. There’s a slim chance that the Abulous’ may not have the cool factor necessary to endorse your brand, so I’ll tabulate some other options for you. I’ll even waive my fee this time. These living legends might be able to persuade a cashed up Gen Xers to purchase a trench coat.

Paul Weller - was the head of the Style Council for a reason.

Paul Weller – was the head of the Style Council for a reason.

Byran Ferry - I'm a slave to love

Byran Ferry – I’m a slave to love.

He can't help it. Cool is in his DNA.

He can’t help it. Cool is in his DNA.

When fresh young crumpets cross my radar, I dont feel the need to shoot them down despite the feelings of unworthiness they evoke. I take some comfort from the fact that as a happily married person I can admire Gen Y from a  respectful distance without having to chase it down  like a lust addled cougar.

Riiiiiiooooooow. Or not.

Riiiiiiooooooow. Or not.

Sometimes, however there’s a blip on your radar so menacing you’ve left with no choice but to fire your torpedoes. That blip comes in the shape of Gwyneth freakin’ Paltrow! While most of us are resorting to spanx you are going commando. What kind of an example is that for the middle aged and sagging?

40 is the new 25?

40 is the new 25?

Gwyneth is widely regarded as the world’s most annoying celebrity according to the trash magazines or Trasharatti ( the ones where Channing Tatum is dubbed the world’s sexiest man). Up until this point I haven’t cared enough to be annoyed by her.  Now, it is not so much her but what she represents that has gotten under my skin. It was once the case that by 40 a woman was considered “washed up”. It was time to graciously dump the stilettos and take up the role of matriarch or spinster aunt. All that’s in the past and Gwyneth is the new face of 40. One half of me is cheering. Women at 40 plus are considered smokin’ hawt , relevant and still get star billing. The more realistic half of me is groaning in despair. When can we relax and let ourselves go? When can we get off the eternal treadmill? Do we have to look Gwyneth standard hawt right up until the day we die? Are men feeling similar pressure?

These two had the right idea methinks. Weren’t they just a breath of fresh air?

Two Fat Ladies

Two Fat Ladies

Are Gen Y making middle age just that little bit harder for you?  How do you deal with getting older? Do you hate Gwyneth? Most importantly who would you like to see in the Burberry trench coat?



Ace Dennehy of Oculus Mundi wrote a piece on aging for the The Shake back in April. I’m piggy backing her here so full acknowledgement is due.

* This is Eddie Redmayne, the girl is …. do you really give a toss? Eddie is one of Marti of Chronicles of Melonhalla’s favorite crumpets. ( I am sorry to do this to you Marti. I too find it excruciating and would like to stab the blonde chick with her ridiculous stiletto.

25 thoughts on “You Are Making This Hard

  1. You may find this hard to believe – but I can still recall the two fat ladies theme song to their show. My sis and I used to watch it. I have a love hate relationship with Gwyneth – she’s vulgar yet awesome. I just always tell myself that if I had a gazillion dollars in my bank I too would like hawt all day and night and have a gym in my home and be besties with Tracie Anderson {her trainer that gives her that bod} – For now I’ll just stick to my kids playroom as my gym and use my youngest baby whilst doing squats around the house!

  2. P.s – Sportscraft have the most awesome of trench coats that are pretty much like Burberry – I still have all mine from when I worked for David Lawrence but now Sportscraft have that style of trench 🙂

  3. Ha, bless you for the link 🙂 That’s how I feel on a good day, ready to fight the demons of ageing. Today, with my leaking bits and sore tum and lack of sleep I feel – and look – approximately 103 and all the totty in the world would not convince me to shake my money maker 😉 At least for today I say bring on the wretched downhill slide!

  4. I am Gen Y and look nothing like any of those people! I actually think some of them may be Gen Z… a comment which will help as we all contemplate ageing, no doubt!

  5. I don’t envy the younger generations. There seems to be even more pressure to look a certain way from a young age these days. I rarely spend time with young girls, but yesterday I was at my neighbours house and her teenage daughter and some of her friends were there. They spent the entire time bitching about other girls. One former ‘friend’ had just had a boob job. She was barely 18. One girl had a picture of her on her phone which she showed everyone. The girl was beautiful, but now her with her massive fake boobs resembled a porn star. I was just shocked at how bitchy these girls are.

    And yes those love the Two Fat Ladies. I could join them and make it a trio. CAKIES!!

    • Yes Clarissa and Jennifer were two souls who knew how to enjoy life. As for beautiful young 18 years olds destroying their natural beauty with hideous fake boobs – that’s just sad.

  6. The Two Fat Ladies are my gurus.

  7. The Two Fat Ladies rocked. I similarly admire people like Jo Brand who is smart, funny and hip and hangs out with exactly the group of intellectually ‘hawt’ celebs I would hang with in my imaginary life – and does it all without Burberry or surgery. I was keen to get Gwyneth’s new recipe book because I’m all about the no sugar at the moment (desperate last ditch health bandwagon) but I simply couldn’t bear the smug pictures of HER all the way through it! It’s truly awful!

    • Weren’t TFL great. Vale Jennifer Paterson Vale! I too am trying the no sugar thing with zero success. I think Gwyneth’s book would push me right back on the the white stuff. And yes – I know I’ve been neglecting the TWC lately in pursuit of big, dumb hawtness. I need to find the one who will bring balance to the Force!

  8. I”m gonna rock the canoe here… but I have to confess to liking Gwyneth. She’s not THAT smug – I watched her drink and smoke and guzzle fried foods her whole way round Spain and Italy on her shows, and she seems kinda like she’s just trying, in a world that won’t let her try. She only turned stuff around cos she got pretty sick. HELL I would exercise too if i had to see myself 20 feet tall. Also – I like that she’s going to help women 40 plus still be considered ‘FEMALE’ and ‘RELEVANT’ instead of just lumps of mumness. There. I said it. I’m diving in and swimming for my life now. But I will NEVER, repeat NEVER, give up sugar. Not for all the arseless dresses in Cannes.

    • Oh that’s a relief – for a minute there I thought you were going to try to argue that Hiddles is NOT a babycakes fresh from heaven’s kitchen. That would have completely rolled my canoe. I re-iterate its the impossible standards that Gwyneth represents that I find irksome rather than her as an individual. Ok – I feel pangs of deep envy when she gets to man handle RDJ – dont we all though?

  9. love the inclusion of the two fat ladies. somewhere in between them and gwyneth for me is nigella – always loved watching her sneak back to the kitchen to stick her finger in something or add more butter to dishes LOL

    i try to remember that those celebs have trainers coming over daily an\d often cooks – maybe i would have a shot then – deb xx

  10. Pushing on the door of 50, I have decided that it is best to let the young people be young people and the people, closer in my age not annoy me because they have heaps more money / chefs / time / PT’s / whatever to keep themselves in better shape than I am in ! In the meantime I will work on my exercise and health and do the best that I can.
    Have the best day !

  11. I’ve been feeling more my age lately compared to all the pretty young things at my office with their stilettos and perfect hair and social lives. For quite a while I was under the mistaken impression that I was still among the youngest in the office – sadly that is no longer the case – I just have to look at the bags under my eyes, my short practical hair and my non-existent social life to realise that!!!!

  12. I can’t look at David Bowie without seeing that picture of him and Tilda Swinton dressed up as each other!!
    As for aging…we say Bonnie Raitt, and I am not a fan (infact, dare I say it, I didn’t know who she was before hand). I was floored when she said she was 60. Would not pick it. As for the magnificent Mavis Staples, she is awesome for an 80 year old. (I love Mavis, so even with a sore throat she’s still good!)

    I do get a little depressed when I see myself in the mirror – I look so different in my head…(not proud of that but true)

    • I’m not familiar with Mavis but will have to educate myself. Thanks for the tip. I’m also not aware of the Bowie/Tilda picture of which you speak but I can imagine. They look kind of related.

    • Kirsty – this is the problem with being a teacher as well… You think you’re so young and cool but nek minit, you turn around and they’re younger than ever before, or worse, children of previous students…
      Mumab – you’re only as young as the Dadab/Fass/Colin etc you feel….

  13. I’m in denial about my age. I’m 25 for as long as hair dye will work.
    I was starting to think that Gwynnie was too smug for my liking. Then I saw her in Iron Man over the weekend (we hired the DVD) and I was pleasantly surprised how funny she can be.
    Didn’t think much of that dress though…

  14. I still feel like I’m 20 – a shame I still also act like it sometimes! And WOW check out Gwyneth in this! I really don’t fear aging though, not sure why, just because there is nothing I can do about it I suppose 🙂 x

  15. Oh my gawd! How did I miss reading this post laden with the gorgeous Eddie! That is such a cute photo but unfortunately (unlike my old Dolly magazines) I can’t rip it in half and remove whatever her name is. As for aging- I’ve done the same with work colleagues. I was the youngest (or one of) for so long then all of a sudden I’m one of the old bags. How did that happen so quickly. Truth is, most days I don’t give a toss, but I’d dearly love to be able to get out of bed in the morning without any joints creaking or aching, or that involuntary ‘ugh’ sound. Thanks for including Eddie… I haven’t blogged for weeks so it’s a bit embarrassing that you’ve given me a link, but thanks!

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