Back On The Treadmill


Admiring crumpet when you are a happily married person is a bit like being on a diet and standing outside your favorite patisserie just wistfully watching. I know because I’m currently on a diet. That’s right.  I’m attempting calorie  restriction for only about the 657th time in my pitifully life. To make matters  worse I’ve been going to the gym. You’ll be most astounded to hear that there’s crumpet at the gym. In fact as a middled aged Dora might say there’s “El mucho crumpeto”. You’d think that I’d be doing the one armed bandit dance and hollering “ker-chink ker-chink” but here in Sydney’s Eastern beaches gym crumpet is mostly of the sort that wears baseball caps indoors and covers every free inch of flesh with tribal tattoos*. Whats more the gym crumpet is intimidating given my feebleness.

To quote Faith No More " You want it all but you cant have it"

To quote Faith No More ” You want it all but you cant have it”

Just last weekend I ventured into a space I like to call the “blue room of pain”. Its the basement area of the gym devoted to the worship of free weights. There are all sorts of scary looking contraptions hanging from the ceiling.  My mind boggled just contemplating the possible uses. Perhaps my mind would not boggle to the same extent had I read 50 Shades but I remain naive about that kind of thing. Anyhow I entered the torture chamber to find it occupied by what appeared to be half a football team.  These lads were were imposing physical specimens – built like oak trees. I’m assuming they harked from AFL as opposed to NRL. Their handsome faces were intact and their necks were clearly delineated from their craniums. A coach dressed in compression tights and shorts spurred them on to even greater feats of endurance by fist pumping the air and yelling -“C’mon boys. Good boys!”  Good boys indeed! They jumped rope, crunched abs and pounded the punching bag to within an inch of its life.  The grunting was particularly passionate and expressive.  I soon discovered what the ceiling devices were for – suspended chin ups. Oh my!  I tell you blog fans, that’s something I will not be attempting at home.

This sort of thing went on in the Blue Room of pain

This sort of thing went on in the Blue Room of pain

but I'm with Mythbusters on this issue.

but I’m with Mythbusters on this issue.

Now my  wimp of an alter ego Brenda and I were faced with a couple of choices. I favored standing there, hand on hip, stomach sucked in,  adding my own words of encouragement. Those suspended pull ups deserved positive feedback. Brenda meanwhile turned an attractive shade of almost menopausal red and quietly got on with three sets of lunges before fleeing the scene. What a wussbug!

Upstairs in the main area, things aren’t much better. Muscle bound Adonis strut about like they own the place. They are constantly high-fiving each other and bragging about their sporting prowess. They hog the fit balls and stand around in front of the mirrors. The grunting is world class.  Meanwhile I  struggle to complete some undignified manoeuvres with the fit ball (the fun sized one) completely unnoticed. I power through light headedness and searing pain wondering why for the love of chocolate* am I going through this again. Its not as if we haven’t seen this movie before. The plot line is basically thus;

  • Lose a few kgs and tone up a bit.
  • Receive a few complements and feel marginally better.
  • Disappointingly saddle bags persist on hips.
  • Realize that I am getting diminishing marginal returns eg significantly more effort is required to make a change.
  • Start actually enjoying life.
  • Quit fitness kick.
  • Gain back every single god damn gram.

Wasn’t it Einstein who said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”? Of all the dudes worth paying attention to Einstein has to be at the top of the list.

This is what Albert thinks of the gym.

This is what Albert thinks of the gym.

Another dude worth listening to is Dadabulous. He has all these quaint old fashioned notions about people accepting themselves, aging gracefully and personality being more important than looks.  Which is all fine for him to say. Dadabs is so called because at age 45 he still has abs. All that keyboard work must be great for toning the core muscles.

Will I see the light and  abandon this folly?  Doubtless I will let you know when I regain my sanity in a few weeks time.  In the mean time see you on the treadmill.

Obviously not Mumabs - but I attempt similar shenanigans.

Obviously not Mumabs – but I attempt similar shenanigans.

Am I crazy? Got any tips for me?

As the sign on the gym wall says “train insane or stay the same”.



*Strangely the only tribe these dudes belong to is the Eastern Beaches latte set.

* It is a deep and unrelenting love.

21 thoughts on “Back On The Treadmill

  1. Love this post Brenda! I’ve seen that ‘movie’ a few times before myself and I have an appointment to talk turkey with a new gym tomorrow. This one promises to be ultra motivating with a fabulous creche. Plus it’s half way between the girls’ school and home, so it’s ON MY WAY. Almost impossible to make excuses for not going! Or is it… Best of luck with your health kick x

  2. You are a much braver woman than me. I despise gyms with the same intensity that I adore cake. I do have a treadmill at home. Collecting dust. Ahem.

  3. You’ve been renovating your bog as well as your abs! Noice! Sadly my approach to fitness is the same, but am married to a man who loves exercise. Opposites do attract. He motivates me when I decide I’m ready to get fit, but I drop a few kilos, soak up the compliments, then relax… obviously you know the drill!

  4. Hilarious but seriously well done on getting back on the treadmill.
    My tip is just steel your mind to do it , no matter what – have you joined OperationMove FB group for encouragement ?

  5. I was going to say what Trish said, join op move for motivation! I love classes at the gym but get bored with the equipment that is why I run, just do it and don’t stop!

  6. I’m back on the treadmill as at yesterday too. I have a dance constume to wear in a month and a half that is super motivating!

  7. Oh my word, I would have helped them lift themselves by way of holding their bottoms for them!

    I haven’t been to a gym since I was about 14, and that was only because of sport for school. Doubt they’d have any eyecandy around these parts anyway.

    Enjoy your pain appointments *ahem* I mean gym sessions 🙂

    MC x

  8. Loving the new look Mumabs! And I hear you about the gym boys, when I was a gym bunny, before kids, I used to wade in to their domain but had my iPod on so didn’t hear a word that was said, thank goodness really. All the best with getting fit, it’s a great thing to do and your heart and liver will love you for it – Em x

  9. So funny how gyms go for these fatalistic names, “Blue Room of Pain” When I do my cross training class we do this group exercise and join the “Circle of Death” Why can’t it be the “Circle of Joy”? Seriously. Pain is over rated – says the woman who’s lost 2 toe nails from running a half marathon…

  10. What a great post – I wish I was in the blue room of pain with you except the Suns aren’t likely to have been in the same gym you were in given they are from the Gold Coast !!!!
    This is the week where I have committed to at least three exercise sessions (and by that I mean three walks – don’t want to overdo it when starting an exercise program do I !!!)
    Have the best day !
    PS – Einstein was a clever fellow – we probably shoud listen to him !!!!

  11. I wish I looked at her. Sadly I think I’m as good as I’m ever going to get. *sigh*

  12. Hi Mumabs, all you needed was a whistle when you were in the blue room with the team! I have found that I won’t stick with exercise if I don’t enjoy it, and that I need variety. I love yoga, stand up paddling (could you get into this? – you live beachside), swim once a week plus a few jogs (if not injured). I could imagine you pole-dancing or something equally saucy

  13. I remember those gym boys from back in the day, don’t think I could deal with them now! Definitely with Dadabs on this one, he’s sounding very wise.
    Walking along the beachfront 3 times a week and a weekly game of tennis is me at the moment, trying to ease myself back into fitness.

  14. Congratulation and keep it up! I am still struggling with my own weight loss journey. Lack of determination that is, I guess 🙂

  15. One netball game per week is all I can muster at the moment. No crumpet there – it’s a ladies comp. What was I thinking?

    All the best – hope this movie has a happy ending 🙂

  16. BRAVE woman tackling the fitball without both arms. I’ve been known to roll off a fitball before. I’m scared of them now. I love me my gym though. And LOVE is not too strong a word. It’s like my library, but I get endorphins at the end too.

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