Of the the gaffes so far in this scintillating and inspiring election campaign my favorite has to be this gem from Tony Abbott.
“No one, however smart, however well educated, however experienced, is the suppository of all wisdom.”
The reason this tickled me so much was that it’s like something my own Dad might say. The difference being my father makes this kind of comment on purpose. He has been known to thank people from “the heart” of his “bottom” and to croon along with Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire when troubled by haemorrhoids. His legacy has been successfully passed down to the next generation as my brother does the same thing. Ring of Fire has been done as a duet in the family abode.
Anyhow I digress. Whilst TA is right not to set a date for the return to budget surplus that a Liberal government will undoubtedly bring, he is wrong about wisdom. Whilst I may not be the suppository of wisdom, there’s some wisdom to be had in my suppository. In this post I am going extract it and expose it to daylight.
To wit, here’s my best pieces of advice for everybody.
1) Wear sunscreen
Baz Lurhmann was wrong about a number of things – the casting of Nicole Kidman and the entire concept of the movie Australia for instance. However he is right about wearing sunscreen. It is the only thing that slows the aging process. My Grandmother used Oil of Olay every single day. When she passed on aged 97, her porcelain skin was blemished only by the most light and feathery wrinkles. This contrasts starkly with the crevices as broad as the Grand Canyon spectacularly eroding the faces of former sun worshippers.
2) Wear sunglasses
All the best people do daaahling.
They are cheaper than injectables and unlike Botox they sunglasses give you an air of mystique. (Shane must have missed the memo about the Botox) They also help you keep your cool in hawt situations. Afterall no one needs to know if your eyes are sticking out on stalks at the wavy haired European crumpet on the beach front (these can be found at every ten paces in my suburb).
3) Go for Geek
Encourage your daughters to marry that geeky guy. With minds like diamonds and hearts of gold they are treasures among men. Marriage to a geek means that you, your extended family and friends get access to IT support 24/7.
If you need more convincing, geeks are rarely womanizers. They are too busy gaming and fiddling with cool gadgets to chase skirt at the local pub. This is their idea of porn.
If however your geek guy is into cosplay*, disregard everything I have just said and run for the hills.
4) Don’t put it in the shopping trolley
Because you cant eat it if its not in the house.
5) Do as I say not as I do
6) Singing along with Miley
Should you find yourself singing along with Miley Cyrus, take it as a sign you really, really need a break from your toddler.
Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
And I know I’m gonna be okay
Yeah! It’s a potty in the USA!
Yeah! It’s a potty in the USA!
Do you have any wisdom you’d like to extract from your suppository and share with us?
* Cosplay – when grown men and women dress up as comic book characters and enact their wildest fantasies.