Mall Rat


Have I ever mentioned that Chez Abulous is situated firmly amid the glitz and glamour that is Sydney’s eastern beaches? I may have noted this a few times although its fair to say that my neighborhood gets slightly less airplay than crumpets on this blog. Anyhow living in Sydney’s eastern beaches is awesome because we have – eastern beaches.

Its a beachy smorgasbord. Take your pick.

Its a beachy smorgasbord. Take your pick.

We also have an embarrassing number of hep cafes and restaurants per head of population. If that isn’t enough entertainment, you can always gawk at NRL players brawling or pick up a tourist at one of the larger drinking establishments. You can even partake of these two activities simultaneously if you wish.

There's a cool cafe for every man, woman and child in this district.

There’s a cool cafe for every man, woman and child in this district.

The jewel in our crown however is undoubtedly the mecca of materialism which is  Westfield Bondi Junction (WBJ). Here we have over six floors of unrelenting fabulousness packed to the proverbial rafters with over 350 stores. A middle aged mall rat like myself can faff away hours lusting after high end items and watching the parade of C and D grade celebrities. ( Although I did encounter Princess Mary of Denmark in a lift (fair dinkum) and that was certainly an A list episode). Spot the cosmetic work or Filipino nanny is also an amusing pastime in these environs.

The jewel of the East

The jewel of the East

One of the things I love about WBJ, is that although it boasts designer outlets out the wazoo, it also generously accommodates the humble Target. This means if I want to spend $5 on a pair of tights for my girls I can avoid the riff raff at East Gardens Pagewood and experience a higher class of frugality.

I love hunting down a good bargain at Target but the shopping experience is so much more than that. I would go as far as to say that a trip to Target lends one an invaluable insight into the zeitgeist*. It is a scarily accurate reflection of the state of Western culture. For example a trip to Target illustrates just how deeply the first world psyche has been (or wants to be) penetrated by One Direction.

Its sweet that our tween girls want to take the entire band out for lunch.

Oh my - 1D have big lunch boxes

Oh my – 1D have big lunch boxes!

However I am not sure we should be encouraging them to bed all four of them at once. Yes these are 1D doona covers.

Spend the night with the whole band

Spend the night with the whole band

Brag to your girl friends about it

Brag to your girl friends about it

What I really want to know is, does this linen come with an Avengers theme? I’ll take an X-men set too while we are at it.

RDJ? I'll have that on my sheet. Sod orf ScarJo!

RDJ? I’ll have that on my sheet. Sod orf ScarJo!

Moving on through Target’s aisles the reverberations of 50 Shades of Grey can still be felt. The romantic novel section is heaving and swelling with raunch. Given this hawt and steamy new climate, it is heartening that the use of prophylactics is being encouraged.

Espousing safe sex

Espousing safe sex

Meanwhile the gay cowboy set is well serviced. When I next visit an outback sheep station I’ll be sure to look out for the brooding hunk, poncing about shirtless in the skin blistering sun.

Brokeback abs?

Brokeback abs?

I’m guessing that the Ricky Martin effect can be blamed for this one. Still I am not entirely adverse to the concept. If it means Antonio Banderas and a several jugs of sangria, I say bring on the hawt nights with the Spaniard.

Too much chilli in your tapas?

Too much chilli in your tapas?

As fascinating a place as it is, you have to feel just a little bit for Target’s staff. Management has a legal duty of care to look after their workers mental and physical well being. Yet they subject employees to eight hours of this every gosh dang day.

How much Gok can you take?

How much Gok can you take?

Firstly staff should be issued with regulation safety goggles to protect their vision from the intense glare radiating from Gok’s teeth. Secondly humiliating these poor workers by forcing them to wear T-shirts with the slogan “Gok Squad” is unacceptable in an enlightened society.  Finally it is uncertain how much Gok an individual can stand without turning stark raving crazy. To experiment on Target staff in such a way is simply unconscionable.

You can not escape. Gok has you surrounded.

You can not escape. Gok has you surrounded.

Are you a middle aged mall rat?



* I have been around nearly 43 years but this is the first time I’ve used that word. Welcome to Wankerville. Population: Mumabulous.

34 thoughts on “Mall Rat

  1. Most definitely. Pitt St Mall is my hangout – can you believe that I’ve never ventured to BJ as we like to call it. More of a Kmart girl myself in the frugality stakes, though. I’m thinking that you might need a young surfer boy in your life so why don’t you head on down to the beach itself. Lots of eye-candy to be had.

  2. Love it Mumabs! I am such a mall rat. Sadlands in Melbourne, I mean Southland is our local haunt. I take the kids there, let them run wild and grin as I get the “you’re the worst mum in the world” stares. Oh and if my daughter ever has the desire to purchase any onedirection apparel, I will disown her!

  3. I love some quality time in my local Westfield! Although ours is only 2 levels not it’s not as salubrious as yours, but still vair naiiice all the same. Target is indeed spot-on with its 1D penetration. My 15 year old step daughter has one of those doona sets! The boys recently came to me wide eyed after visiting her room and informed me that she had poster “everywhre, even on the roof!”.
    PS. Zetgeist is an excellent wank word! My favourite is “post-modern”, but I would have also given points for “entrepreneurial” or “synergy” 😉

    • Ha ha – no prizes for guessing who I want on my ceiling ;-). “Post modern” has been around for a while and thus is losing its wank effect. I remember a former beau (an art student) describing Westfield Miranda as “post modern” in 1993. Synergy is one that I am guilty of abusing myself back in my stockbroking days. An idea for a future blog post is starting to form in my mind 😉

  4. Just re-read that and I think I’ve spelled 1 in 5 words incorrectly. This is what happens when you try to commment on the run!

  5. OH MY GAWD I LOVE READING YOUR POSTS!!! Yes bugger off SJ so I can have the Avengers in my bed – mmm – THOR – IRON MAN (ignite)
    If I want in and out I go to a department store and get most things. When I was in Sydney – BC – before children – I didn’t – but now I’m a desperate housewife I do! You are a great wordsmith B xxxx

  6. I started laughing at ‘higher class of frugality’ then didn’t stop. THANK YOU.

  7. Bahaha! Let’s be middle aged Mall Rats together!
    We’d fit right in at the new refurbished K-Mart that’s around the corner 🙂

  8. I almost got myself an Avengers umbrella, but because it was a kids one, it was a little too small. It was way cool and I would have loved it.

  9. Nope, not a mall rat. Though maybe I might be if I actually had a mall I could go to.

    Mc x

  10. I’m not but my husband is !!!! Having said that I would love to have a wander around WBJ – it looks like an amazing place to waste away a few hours !!!!
    Have the best day !

  11. I used to be! Now I cannot be trusted, what with having no money and all. I have to restrict my mall ratting these days, otherwise I will spend all the grocery money on skinny jeggings from Supre and there will be nothing for the kids to eat and someone will call child services and I will have to go to court wearing my skinny jeggings. Know thyself, Mumabs. Know thyself.

  12. The mall in Boganville is only 3 levels and that is too much for me. let alone 6. Bugger that. And Target is one of my most hated shops. Can’t stand the fluorescent lights bouncing off the shiny floor. Call me cynical but somehow I find it hard to believe that Gok would seriously wear anything from Target if he wasn’t being paid.

  13. Digging those raunchy paperbacks! Target should do Gok doonas?! Ya? Takers?

  14. Well snaps to zeitgeist obviously, but I’m way more impressed with unconscionable, talk about fancy!!
    My 10 year old isn’t impressed with 1D thank goodness, but I’m sure there’ll be someone equally as “fabulous” in the near future.
    I love me a little bit of Gok, but probably wouldn’t be so thrilled with the T-shirt business.
    Fab as usual Mum-ab xx

  15. I certainly am! and now I want to go to WBJ!

  16. Oh I love a spot of zeitgeist – especially with a side of uber-schadenfreude (and other German words we’ve adopted for no good reason). I’ve just watched Gruen Planet unpack the 1D marketing machine. I almost feel sorry for those lads – or at least, I feel sorry for their future selves. They won’t be that pretty forever. One day Harry will just be another C grade celeb in a lift.

    • Schadenfreude – the reason Facebook is so popular 😉 In 10 years time Harry and the boys will be appearing on those “whatever happened to?” shows along with Bieber and Miley.

  17. You’ve thrown the Avengers, the X-men, my favourite movie boys and the zeitgest all into the same post? Ahhh. I’m a happy woman.

  18. I totally, completely avoid them as much as possible. So not a fan. And what the hell is a Gok?!?! x

  19. I do enjoy a trip to the mall on those rare occasions I get to go on my own. Probably once or twice a year at the moment… And guess who has an Avengers poster on the wall of her garage? I enjoy looking at it while visiting my husband in his man cave – win/win all round, I say!

  20. Nothing so funny in our neck of the country – we don’t even have Kmart but we have GOK.

  21. Love your work, as usual. I’m not really a mall rat – more like an overwhelmed little kid or an animal dazed by the bright lights…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s