Low Brow

29 Comments

On this blog I have discussed the fact that I don’t watch TV. I believe its the boldest admission I’ve made on the interwebs. I’ve exposed my vulnerable side by writing about my body image hang-ups and dating disasters but this has only strengthened my connection with my readership (all 12 of you – you’re wonderful). Who hasn’t experienced a body image hang up or a dating disaster? Well Mumabs is “every woman” and “its all in me”.

Not watching TV however is a separate Pandora’s kettle of worms. I mean how can readers relate to my ramblings when I have no idea what’s happening on The Biggest Loser, Master Chef or the Bachelor Australia? The entire Offspring phenomena passed me by. I am not even sure what a Patrick is or was despite the nation wide outpouring of grief his passing provoked on social media. Are we over it yet people?

Is this a Patrick?

Is this a Patrick?

I fear I may be giving the impression that I am some kind of intellectual snob when nothing could be further from the truth. Team Abulous is NOT the high brow literati of the eastern beaches. The literati is infact firmly rooted in Sydney’s inner west.  By contrast, Dadabs has declared a blanket ban on botox and our brows are hanging almost neanderthalicly* low.

The brows hang low at Chez Abs.

The brows hang low at Chez Abs.

I am now going to sacrifice my dignity to prove this.

Movies

Despite appearances to the contrary Dadabs is a sensitive type. He cries during movies. The last time this happened was in the film Borat. There was one particular scene where Borat and his manager chase each other naked through a ritzy hotel during which Dadabs was making sounds like a wounded animal. I turned to find him convulsing, slumped on the carpet with tears streaming down his face. This display of raw emotion set me off. I can only hope the upholstery on the cinema seats didn’t sustain water damage.

Borat was a cathartic experience for Dadabs.

Borat was a cathartic experience for Dadabs.

We make smutty jokes about poultry

Dadabs recently expressed an interest in a service where you can “rent” chickens. This surprised me as our eastern beaches patch of grass is a practical setting for animal husbandry. Furthermore I have a reputation for killing plants through neglect so I dont fancy my chances with a real life chicken run. Dadabs explained that he wanted to invite people around to “show them his cock”. HONK!

Dadabs thinks you should see this.

Dadabs thinks you should see this.

The laughs didnt stop there. Recently Dadabs was perusing a flier for a local “Eco Fair” which featured “rent-a-chickens”. I couldn’t resist quipping “You’re so hawt for that chick”. HONK!  After some eye rolling he shot back with “Oooooooh Yeh – check out the breasts on it and the plumage”. HONK! HONK!

Cor! Check out the breasts on that chick!

Cor! Check out the breasts on that chick!

We make smutty jokes about vegetables

In 2006 we were shopping at the local green grocer when I picked up a particularly phallic sweet potato and started waving it around with a moronic grin on my face (because I can be that juvenile). Dadabs ( Boyfriendabs at the time) was all mock horror. “That’s disgusting! Why don’t you write a letter to John Howard about the obscene state of vegetables in this country”.  Since then both Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard have had to endure our faux outrage about suggestively shaped sweet potatoes. Now its your turn Tony Abbott. Are you going to take action? (No Speedo or Lycra jokes PLEASE).

Lewd vegetables - wont somebody think of the children..

Lewd vegetables – wont somebody think of the children..

We make smutty jokes about gardening

The downside in having a courtyard and a patch of grass is that it needs maintaining. Dadabulous is too cheap to hire a gardener. Hence I am forced to do it alone and manually  HONK! (In truth I don’t do any gardening but this is post about smuttiness not laziness).

Dadabs is anti hired help.

Dadabs is anti hired help.

In order to keep the weeds at bay, I have to go out and pull roots. HONK! On fine Sunday afternoon I strode out on the back patio and announced very loudly that I was about to go out “on the pull”. My baby boomer neighbor overhead. I surely hope she took me figuratively.

Mumabs on the pull (Not really )

Mumabs on the pull (Not really )

Please tell me your household is similarly uncouth. How low can your brow go?

Loves

Mumabulous

* Neanderthalicly – if it wasn’t a word it is now. Could someone please be a love and update Urban Dictionary.

29 thoughts on “Low Brow

  1. Yes, as juvenile. My daughter’s boyfriends is a physics nerd who has created a thruster. The temptation is overwhelming.

  2. You know how low brow I am with my Carpenters obsession. Not exactly cutting edge. I don’t watch a great deal of TV but when I do I am watching crap like Big Brother proving what a bogan I am. Sigh.

    • You’ll have to give the low down on BB. I’ve heard it described as like Housos with a lobotomy. That’s pretty bad ;-). The Carpenters are another matter. I dont understand why you are so down on yourself for liking them. It is classic pop. I was even thinking about having “On top of the world” as my bridal waltz – in 2008! I went with Marvin Gaye – How Sweet It Is instead.

  3. Oh my gawd, how did I miss that you don’t watch TV? Me neither! I stopped about two years ago, roughly, but had been avoiding it for the most part for years prior to that. It wasn’t a deliberate decision, it had just been annoying the crap out of me for many years and it was becoming increasingly irritating. I fully admit to being a curmudgeon in the great Victor Meldrew tradition.

    In the end to save remotes (which are not terribly aerodynamic) and my blood pressure, I stopped watching altogether. I also discovered the beauty of online shows which helped enormously. Prior to that I was taping everything, but this was even better, it turned out.

    So I do watch certain shows, online, usually around a dozen per season at any given time, which amounts to about 5 or 6 hours a week, and all downloaded straight to my laptop, no ads and no waiting and no nonsense in between or before or after, no stations deciding to go on “hiatus” and forcing you to wait three weeks for the next ep which they have sitting right there in their vaults.

    My favourite shows are Dexter (last ep ever tonight, downloaded and ready to go), Breaking Bad (last ep ever in a few days if memory serves), Sons of Anarchy (final season!), Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Big Bang Theory Supernatural (all returning soon!) and a few others.

    For Father’s Day we got dh a new flat screen (mainly for sports). I have yet to turn it on. I have turned it off though, several times 🙂 I have been in the front lounge room when it’s been on, but only briefly. I wander in, have a gander at what my lot are watching, get bored or irritated post-haste and wander off again. Fortunately none of them are big TV addicts so it doesn’t cause any major ruptures. I am quite happy to watch a decent DVD. But I won’t be force fed what the programmers (very wrongly) believe I want to watch, or want me to watch.

    When I was on Jury Duty a fellow juror asked me about some show. I said I didn’t watch it, she asked me about another, and another. I politely told her I don’t watch TV. She kept asking. Have you seen this? That? This? No. No. Nope, still no. She was amazed, am pretty sure she didn’t want to believe me.

    My reasons for not watching TV are 1) Presenters who imagine they are important and entertaining but are actually dull, narcissistic and not very bright wankers (both genders). 2) Ads. All ads. Boring as fuck, even the very best are only interesting twice, maybe thrice. And so fucking intrusive. Never. Ending. Ads. 3) The TV shows themselves. By Christ, they are just terrible for the most part. Beyond horrible. 4) News. Usually, in fact, Olds, presented with complete bias, often even the footage is not actual footage but from their vaults, and designed to terrorise and inflame, never to edify. I refer you to Chris Rea’s song “You must be evil” to describe the media. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLrNkI5-1d4

    I am stunned that someone else doesn’t watch TV. Stunned. Thought that I was alone in this, as I am in so much else. This has made my night Mumabs 🙂

    • Oh, there is one exception. We all watch Dr Who together in the front Lounge room (new series soon!) We gather there a few minutes before it begins and exit again a few minutes after. But, after all, it’s Dr Who…

    • I dont watch TV much for the same reasons as you. I’m not anti it per se and there are some shows I wouldn’t mind watching but I’m too lazy to make the investment in them. Mad Men is the big exception – I am completely obsessed by it. Most of my free time is faffed away on the internet. Its a situation I should probably address.

  4. Oh we hang wayyyyy low here too. Class is not something we swim in around here and the smuttier the better and the more you mention farts and poo in the same sentence well the more we invite you back and keep your glass full 😉 xx

  5. I love Neanderthalically. I happen to simultaneously be reading a piece about neologism so it fits in perfectly with my Tuesday morning reading!

    That watering can picture is TERRIFYING.

  6. We watch TV so long as it is sport – if it isn’t sport, there isn’t much chance we will watch it apart from Arrow (I do like watching him more than worrying about the story line which is rather lame !!). Occasionally police shows will find their way in front of us but honestly, I would rather just get a series and watch that because I can’t stand the ads and running over time that happens when we try to record shows !
    We have been known to make a few comments about veggies and how ‘unsuitable’ they are to be eaten !!!
    Have the best day !
    Me

  7. I too am bewildered by this Patrick man?! But I hear he was amazing!
    Thanks for the laugh, it’s great having such a fun, immature hubby isn’t it? Sounds like you both have lots of fun – and I hope I can meet you IRL because I love your witty, dry sense of humour! Ha ha – to be able to go out and pull some roots – LOVE IT! And those photos. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU!

  8. We DO watch television in this household but it is strictly ABC for Kids. Brendon and I have made it our lives work to alter all Play School song lyrics for the amusement of our tiny and perverted brains.

    Also, before children and the necessity of online grocery shopping, trips to the supermarket always included inappropriate use of phallic vegetables on an unsuspecting Brendon’s behind. He loved it.

  9. My brow also hangs low, and wobbles to and fro. You have outdone yourself with your photo selection this time Mumabs- my life has been enriched for having seen that man in a can. Don’t think I need to watch the box anymore. I’ll just close my eyes and think of the weeds…

  10. Haha…laughed out loud at this one, Mumabulous! With 3 ‘boys’ in this house there’s nary a half hour that doesn’t pass without a fart joke. I don’t watch much TV either – no idea who Patrick is – so can totally relate to that.

  11. Hands down my favourite type of movies are American teen movies. I just love them. Can’t help myself. x

  12. my son is terrified of sweet potatoes. I am not even allowed to bring them into the house.

  13. We swing low here too… smut and innuendo are our razón para vivir at Casa Eats World. Our TV would be collecting dust if it weren’t for the small people and their irrational love of Peppa Pig. So I have to ask what is a Patrick?

  14. I live in manland so I never had a hope of even aspiring to middle-brow let alone high brow. This is evidenced by the fact that my eldest son cannot even look at a ham that has been smoked with “black -butt” without rendering himself absolutely legless with laughter in the meat section of Coles!

  15. Well living with 6 males it is suffice to say my house is wrapped in uncouthness! Thanks for the laugh!

  16. As an Offspring watcher, I want to say we (I) am actually not over it. I even wrote a post about why it was okay to grieve, but honestly it’s a little ridiculous. My boy bumps his head (which he actually does a lot) and hubs will be all like “He’s fine” after a quick check and I will wring my hands and say “Well, we’ll watch him, because Patrick.” I have literally said ‘because Patrick’ more than I care to count.
    Also, we are uncouth. I think mu hubs never really left high school and it’s rubbed off on me!

  17. We’re not big on TV either… once our TV broke and we didn’t replace it for almost two years. The only reason we did is because I had a baby and we couldn’t keep going to the pub to watch the footy on a friday night. (Read: husband watch footy, me drink gin). I never find anything good to watch on it (OK I lie, last weekend’s Saturday movie was Spartacus) so we don’t bother. We DO, however, spend our entire lives speaking in jokes. Double entendres are just too much fun to pass up 😉

  18. PS thank goodness it’s “all in you” now, I was worried what would happen to it when Whitney passed.

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