Does your husband enjoy throwing mind bending concepts at you just to watch you freak out? Perhaps I am uniquely blessed in that regard. A few weeks ago Dadabs tried to convince me that the universe as we know it is actually a computer simulation a la the Matrix. He refuses to discount the idea that we are living in some kind of cosmic computer game designed by an advanced alien civilization or a future version of ourselves. I’ll answer the most obvious question in advance – Yes he’s tried it. No he didn’t inhale.
The idea has been around in various forms since the ancient Greeks with Plato speculating that reality may be no more than shadows in a cave but the human species, having never left the cave, may not be aware of it. The concept undoubtedly got a kick along from the 1960s with the avalanche of psychedelic drugs. It finally became embedded in the popular culture with the Matrix films.
These days some serious cosmologists are onboard and their work is being funded not by Hollywood but by the tax payer. There are a handful of rigorous academic studies aimed at finding out whether or not we are in a Matrix. I’m not kidding. The delightfully named Professor Silas Beane of the University of Bonn believes he and his team can settle the matter.
His paper “Constraints on the universe as a numerical simulation” is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay far out stuff man. Its too much for my puny comprehension. I think the idea is something to do with the spacetime being pixelated much like a computer screen which affects the movement of gamma rays* across the universe. Apparently astrophysicists can track gamma rays these days. If they are moving in a suspicious way we’re in the Matrix. Oh my head hurts. I might be off the money with this explanation but its the best I can do. All I can say is Prof Silas his crew better watch out in case this dude shows up.
I didn’t know any of this when Dadabs was merrily trying to freak me out. Not that it would have unfreaked me. I was reduced to bleating “if we’re in a simulation why can’t I date my favorite movie stars?”. This (spurious) reasoning was immediately shut down with “The simulation is NOT for your benefit”. No shite Sherlock. Too forking right it ain’t for my benefit.
So listen up all you master programmers and developers out there in the multi-verse. As I can’t as Adam Savage says “reject your reality and substitute my own”, I have a bone to pick with you! Why don’t debug your code and get with my program!
- Why doesn’t drinking vast quantities of alcohol lead to development of neural cells instead their destruction? That was an oversight don’t you think?
- Why is drinking vast quantities of alcohol in the sun aging to the skin? In my program it would be an elixir of youth.
- No scratch that. Why is skin aging necessary at all to this simulation? I don’t think it is.
- Its all well and good that the Higgs boson confers mass to all particles. Does it have to do its job so effectively on my thighs?
- Natural child birth? How messed up is that? Ditto with menstruation. Obviously you are all men. Are there not equal work opportunities for master simulators?
- Please delete from the system Rupert Murdoch, Simon Cowell, The US Tea Party and the gun lobby.
- Please arrange for Richard Fidler to read this blog, recognise my genius and offer me the role as head researcher for the Conversations program.
- An entire year has passed since it was a hit but Gangnam Style still infiltrates my brain. Even the Spanish version “Heey, sexy chica”. Delete!
- Why is my mind so full of utter twaddle? Why could I not have added to the popular culture by dreaming up a saga about sexy teenage vampires where no one actually has unwedded sex? Or alternatively why was my brain incapable of conjuring three volumes about a 27 year old billionaire and literature graduate who do nothing but have kinky sex. I am still waiting for you guys to code in my “big idea”.
If life is just one big video game, how would you change the code?
PS: I cant seriously believe we are in a simulation but it would be kind of fun to get about like this.