Get With My Program


Does your husband enjoy throwing mind bending concepts at you just to watch you freak out? Perhaps I am uniquely blessed in that regard. A few weeks ago Dadabs tried to convince me that the universe as we know it is actually a computer simulation a la the Matrix. He refuses to discount the idea that we are living in some kind of cosmic computer game designed by an advanced alien civilization or a future version of ourselves. I’ll answer the most obvious question in advance – Yes he’s tried it. No he didn’t inhale.

The idea has been around in various forms since the ancient Greeks with Plato speculating that reality may be no more than shadows in a cave but the human species, having never left the cave, may not be aware of it. The concept undoubtedly got a kick along from the 1960s with the avalanche of psychedelic drugs. It finally became embedded in the popular culture with the Matrix films.

In the Matrix everything is controlled by non-sensical Japanese script.

In the Matrix everything is controlled by non-sensical Japanese script.

These days some serious cosmologists are onboard and their work is being funded not by Hollywood but by the tax payer. There are a handful of rigorous academic studies aimed at finding out whether or not we are in a Matrix. I’m not kidding. The delightfully named Professor Silas Beane of the University of Bonn believes he and his team can settle the matter.

Prof  Silas Beane - I imagine  him played by Jeff Goldblum.

Prof Silas Beane – I imagine him played by Jeff Goldblum in the Hollywood movie.

His paper “Constraints on the universe as a numerical simulation” is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay far out stuff man. Its too much for my puny comprehension. I think the idea is something to do with the spacetime being pixelated much like a computer screen which affects the movement of  gamma rays* across the universe. Apparently astrophysicists can track gamma rays these days.  If they are moving in a suspicious way we’re in the Matrix. Oh my head hurts. I might be off the money with this explanation but its the best I can do.  All I can say is Prof Silas his crew better watch out in case this dude shows up.

Agent Smith is on to you!

Agent Smith is on to you!

I didn’t know any of this when Dadabs was merrily trying to freak me out. Not that it would have unfreaked me. I was reduced to bleating “if we’re in a simulation why can’t I date my favorite movie stars?”. This (spurious) reasoning was immediately shut down with “The simulation is NOT for your benefit”.  No shite Sherlock. Too forking right it ain’t for my benefit.

As Watson said to Holmes.

As Watson said to Holmes.

So listen up all you master programmers and developers out there in the multi-verse. As I can’t as Adam Savage says “reject your reality and substitute my own”, I have a bone to pick with you! Why don’t debug your code and get with my program!

Adam Savage med

For starters;

  • Why doesn’t drinking vast quantities of alcohol lead to development of neural cells instead their destruction? That was an oversight don’t you think?
  • Why is drinking vast quantities of alcohol in the sun aging to the skin? In my program it would be an elixir of youth.
  • No scratch that. Why is skin aging necessary at all to this simulation? I don’t think it is.
  • Its all well and good that the Higgs boson confers mass to all particles. Does it have to do its job so effectively on my thighs?
  • Natural child birth? How messed up is that? Ditto with menstruation. Obviously you are all men. Are there not equal work opportunities for master simulators?
  • Please delete from the system Rupert Murdoch, Simon Cowell, The US Tea Party and the gun lobby.
  • Please arrange for Richard Fidler to read this blog, recognise my genius and offer me the role as head researcher for the Conversations program.
  • An entire year has passed since it was a hit but Gangnam Style still infiltrates my brain. Even the Spanish version “Heey, sexy chica”. Delete!

and finally

  • Why is my mind so full of utter twaddle?  Why could I not have added to the popular culture by dreaming up a saga about sexy teenage vampires where no one actually has unwedded sex? Or alternatively why was my brain incapable of conjuring three volumes about a 27 year old billionaire and literature graduate who do nothing but have kinky sex. I am still waiting for you guys to code in my “big idea”.

If life is just one big video game, how would you change the code?



PS: I cant seriously believe we are in a simulation but it would be kind of fun to get about like this.

Sexy chicks on sexy bikes - the best thing about the Matrix.

Sexy chicks on sexy bikes – the best thing about the Matrix.

34 thoughts on “Get With My Program

  1. I’ve been wondering if we’re in a Matrix since I saw the original Matrix (the only one worth the bum on seat time). In fact a few weeks ago we had a black cat (or calico cat moment in our case) and I was a bit freaked out, My children mocked me, as they do – but they got the reference – as they do 🙂 Dh would take a bit longer to cotton on. Course that could all be part of the algorithm….

  2. Hmmmm, how would I change the code. Everything would taste like chocolate. And… nope, that’s enough for me right now.

  3. The Matrix Theory is a rabbithole – enticing, completely crazy, and impossible to get out of once you’re down there. How would I change the code: no weight gain. OK, maybe less misery and violence as well, but if it were up to all of us everyone would be well, safe and happy and the game would be no fun for the controllers…

  4. Would be great if we could reboot, as we’ve really run this game into the ground at the moment. But I think that it can’t be a game, because what would be the point of photoshopping avatars in a further game dimension – couldn’t we just all look photoshopped in the game.
    If a could alter the code, I’d make better people in power – and if you do bad things to random strangers (attempt to rape/kill/enslave etc, then you delete yourself – that that GTA, no bonus points for that crap!)
    Also thanks for organising the drinks – sorry I bailed a little early – was good to catch up and was glad to check out the bar!

  5. take that, not that that. Maybe that’s a glitch in the matrix. Where’s my phone? Oh nooooooooo

  6. Oh how I love the concept of the Matrix AND Fringe, one of my favourite shows EVER! I love The Matrix, I totally flipped out when I realised the whole concept. I would love to rearrange code so hangovers did not exist, that I could eat copious amounts and skin wouldn’t get bigger and I wouldn’t age, basically all that you said!!!!!!!!!! xxx

    • I was heartbroken when Fringe ended. I still hold out hope they might make a movie or one last series. I am all for the various proposed code changes too – here’s hoping Agent Smith is monitoring this conversation!

  7. This is way too deep for me. Imagine that? If reality were everything but. I’ll stick to my reality and my little space within the cave 😉

  8. I’m with Jodi. This + head = KABOOM! My tired pregnant brain cannot compute. Perhaps there’s a change needed rot there…

  9. Ahh that explains much of this crazy thing called life!! I would rearrange the code to get more sleep. It is mind boggling the theories that are out there about our world thanks for posting in such an entertaining way. Found you on IBOT

  10. I would rearrange the code so that I could have money without having to work so then I would have more time for blogging and reading blogs !!
    Have the best day !

  11. I want to know why hangovers even exist? They are bad enough when childless and I could sleep the whole day away but now that I have to get up and be a functioning member of society it’s a nightmare.

  12. How would I change the code? Stop injustice once and for all. But you know, I think we are part of something bigger, that is not the matrix, but still larger than all of us, and we all have a part to play in the grand scheme of things. It all depends on which pill you take, as to whether or not you want to ignore the possibilities or change the world.

  13. Drinking in the sun ages you??? Holy shit how did I not know this. Do you know everytime I come to your blog I leave enlightened with something I would never ever read about for myself… your making me feel semi intelligent, not that I would pretend even for one moment that I get how any of this coding matrix pixel stuff would work lol x

  14. I can’t believe people are actually researching this. Mind blowing. Just like the last episode of Lost – I don’t entirely get it. Meanwhile, are people on Vampire Diaries still not having sex yet???

  15. visiting from FYBF and it is too early in the morning and too far into Ocsober for this stuff. Sorry!! ha! I think I’d have looked at hubby quite blankly before making some totally generic statement like “I have to go wash my hair.” I am curious to know if this programming allows for alternate universes. And how can I get into one?

    • Funnily enough I raised the multi-verse theory with my husband during this discussion and he said it was “unsatisfying”. I think he secretly wants to be in a simulation so he can mess with the program from the inside. Maybe he just wants to be Neo.

  16. Well done for tackling this subject. You have reduced me to the foetal position in a dark room – I can’t even go there. I can however think of many ‘programs’ to delete from this life.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  17. ooh what a thing to contemplate, I like mind bending ideas and what a movie, The matrix, what a movie!!

  18. Oh .. this hurts my brain … I’m going to stick with the “what I don’t know can’t hurt me” theory.

  19. I love love love this idea. I had a million of these ‘what if’ discussions with That Man after the Matrix came out. He still thinks he’s living in the program. Consequence free. Smith has no use for him, you see.

  20. I would like to know which site I have to visit to print out the cheat codes 😉

  21. This sort of stuff blows my mind open and I confess I didn’t understand most of your post… x

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