The Oracle


It’s December. 2013 is rushing towards its final curtain. Its the time of year when serious journos and bloggers alike thrash out countless retrospectives. So let’s get this party started early. Back on December 30th 2012, I made a number of lame “even Blind Freddie could see that coming” type forecasts for the year ahead. Lets go back and see how I fared.

I have a gift

I have a gift

My bold predictions are in bold.

Peace will not come to the Middle East.

I was 100% spot on. There was not the faintest glimmer of hope for peace in the Middle East during 2013. In fact the Syrians used chemical weapons on each other and threatened to drag the whole world into the fiasco. I’ll give you another prediction for free – peace will not come to the Middle East in 2014 either.

There will be talk fests galore and dire warnings about global warming but there will be no significant political action.

Again my accuracy is breathe taking. If anything the political will to take action on climate change took a backward step during 2013. Meanwhile the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned that global temperatures are likely to rise by at least 2C by the end of the century leading to rising sea levels and more extreme weather events. Nonetheless some people don’t appreciate the IPCC’s opinion. They probably won’t rate mine either but here it is – The climate is screwed. Get used to it.

Global warming - its not all bad.

Global warming – its not all bad.

 Household power bills will continue to rise and State and Federal Governments will point the finger at each other.

I was slightly off track with this one. I failed to predict that your burdensome power bills are entirely the fault of Bill Shorten (aka Electricity Bill). However hope is on the horizon, your power bill will drop like Russel Brand’s pants once the Libs dismantle that nasty carbon tax. Much the same way as government debt has vanished before our eyes. (Woo. woo, woo, woo – sarcasm alert).

The US economy will avoid falling off the fiscal cliff (by mere inches) but there will be no meaningful dent made in the debt crisis.

I didn’t anticipate that this scenario would play out twice in twelve months but I’m willing to bet that it will happen again next February when the US debt ceiling is up for renegotiation.

debt ceiling meme

The Federal Election will be held later rather than sooner as the Labor Party desperately try to buy time. The campaign will insult our national intelligence to the point where we begin to believe we really are that stoopid. It will be another year of empty catch cries like “Stop the boats”, “Your grandchildren will be paying off  Labor’s debt” and “Tony Abbott will bring back WorkChoices and throw your children down the mines”.

Despite the fact that Julia Gillard has earned some kudos with her feminist stance, Tony Abbott will be PM by the years end. Whilst some may be relieved, no one will be particularly joyful about this – least of all Malcom Turnbull. Malcom will continue to be a thorn in TA’s side for the foreseeable.

Sadly all of the above came to pass in what was the most pathetic election campaign in living memory. What I failed to predict was the Kevin Rudd leadership debacle. Some situations are too ludicrous to forecast even for a soothesayer of my abilities.

307599-kevin-rudd-meme med

Meanwhile MalTurn is lurking, biding his time waiting for TA to make a monumental cock up…

I've got my eye on you TA.

I’ve got my eye on you TA.

Princess Kate will give birth and lose the baby weight immediately. Every single publication worldwide, be it traditional print or online, will document her post baby bounce back.

Not that I’ve been paying the Royals much attention, but it seemed to me that after heralding the birth of Prince George with much fanfare, the press generally kept a respectful distance from the new family. That was until Woman’s Day ran this gem. The reaction was a social media storm of consternation and I’m sure the powers that be at WD are ruing the day.


On television we can expect to see more cooking shows, more talent quests and more famous for being famous bimbos doing alot of not very much.

All of the above happened and I managed to ignore just about all of it. The one program that lured me back to the box in 2013 was the filthy animated spy spoof “Archer”. It’s so wrong and yet so hilariously right.

Archer - Spy who shagged everyone.

Archer – Spy who shagged everyone.

Micheal Fassbender will continue to be smokin’ hawt.

I got this so wrong. Fass did not simply continue to be smokin’ hawt he became even hawter. Honestly I did not think this were possible but if extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence this GQ magazine photo shoot provided it.  The science is in. Even if you dont believe the planet is heating up you should accept that Fassbender is.

You can leave your hat on Fass.

You can leave your hat on Fass.

2013 – did it live up to your expectations?



4 thoughts on “The Oracle

  1. You are indeed an oracle of sorts!!

  2. Mumabs, I kneel before you and would like to rub your bald head for luck. Could you shave it?? Thanks. Although… Disconcertingly, Fass doesn’t really look like Fass to me in that GQ pic. He looks he was rubbed in dirt? Some kind of Dakar setup I presume. I hope you saw him on Alan Carr recently. He was AWESOME. I have a new show with a new leading man…. All shall be revealed in good time my pretty….

  3. You are scarily accurate. Tell us what happens next year?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s