I’m Baaaack

25 Comments

In December I experienced an existential meltdown and took this blog off line. Ok – some unkind people might call it a petulant dummy spit. Either way I fell into a funk about the blogging scene in general. Also after merrily blogging about crumpet for 18 months and thoroughly enjoying the process I suddenly became deeply uncomfortable about being the biggest perve on the block. In the intervening weeks I’ve decided I should just own the latter. As Shakespeare writes in Hamlet ” to thine own self be true”*. The fact is I am a dirty great perve and that is why YOU love me.

My crisis is mid life centric and remains unresolved. Usually when this kind of mood hits a man buys a convertible sports car and has an affair with his blonde secretary whilst a woman wanders off to eat, pray, shag Javier Bardem in Bali. Sadly these options simply aren’t open to me. For now I choose to obfuscate my sorrows with coffee, chocolate, pink wine,  half a dozen ginger haired British actors and Colin Firth. The only conclusion I’ve reached is that I feel more like the person I should be when I write, even if it is only something as puerile as this blog. Hence I’m back in the saddle. Its bound to be a bumpy ride but lets see where it leads this time around.

If only my mid life crisis could look like this...

If only my mid life crisis could look like this…

In the meantime here’s some observations from Chez Abulous;

The Hottie and the Nottie

A few months ago  #if my vagina was a movie was “trending” on Twitter. A number of celebrities joined the fray suggesting titles like “No Country for Old Men” and “Chamber of Secrets”. I was tempted to add “Anything with Tom Hiddleston in it” or alternatively “Free Willie”. However I thought that too lewd and vulgar even by my standards (not to mention far too exciting a prospect for Hiddles) so naturally I saved it for your reading pleasure.  Anyhow the point that I am rather dismally trying to segue into is that if my marriage were a movie it would be “The Hottie and the Nottie” ( a straight to DVD vehicle for Paris Hilton. What ever happened to her?  Who bloody cares?).  I ask you is it not enough that my husband is a successful software Maverick with a fetish for wood work who cooks gourmet BBQs on the weekends? Heck he even impressed my girlfriend posse by garnishing a tomato, bocconcini salad with basil flowers plucked fresh from our garden. Does he really need to be hawt as well?

Apparently he does. He has been rising before 6am to attend the gym or do an ocean swim three days a week and has been strutting around looking like an extra from the 300 movie. (Its irrelevant that the 300 movie was gawd awful). People have noticed. One of Dadab’s best mates said following an afternoon swim “Hey Red Bro, with a bit of scarification you would look like Azog the Defiler and I mean that as a compliment”.*

Azog. Separated from Dadabs at birth?

Azog. Separated from Dadabs at birth?

There’s no attempt at hiding the uber nerdiness that permeates Dadabs’ clique. If you dont know who Azog the Defiler is you are a philistine who needs an education. FYI – he’s the head honcho evil orc from the Hobbit series. He’s a nasty piece of work but totally ripped. Shredded! Meanwhile despite my best efforts at they gym ” I dont think you’re ready for my jelly” . Its just not fair.

The Hunk Boat

Just prior to Christmas I happened upon a sight so remarkable I just had to share it with you. We were at the Pyrmont Fish Markets sourcing a metric truck load of smoked salmon. We had stopped for sushi by the marina when a cruising yacht pulled up. That’s a typical occurrence at the Fish Markets. The non typical thing was that the boat was  packed to the rafters with shirtless hunks. I kid you not – it was standing room only and not a shirt in sight. I cant tell you how many hunks were onboard – it would be like guessing the number of sweet jelly beans in a jar. I mentioned to Dadabs my concern for the lads’ sun safety and he suggested that I offer to spray them with block out cream. My husband is a brilliant man.

So how many hunks were on the boat?

So how many hunks were on the boat?

The next day Dadabs asked where I would like to have my coffee that morning and I answered in all honesty “on the hunk boat”. Dadabs told me that I was way too pre-occupied with the hunk boat to which I replied that had it been a shipload of bikini babes he would have been equally impressed. His answer was “but as I am sensitive to your feeling I would not have mentioned it in front of you”. Ouch! Seriously though – it was a boat load of shirtless hunks! There are some things one can not stay silent about. Everybody sing “The hunk boat. Soon will be making another run. The hunk boat. Promises something for everyone”

Did you miss me?

Love Mumabulous

* Speaking of Shakespeare Fass is soon to be starring as MacBeth. The play needs a serious re-write in his honor. For eg.

FIRST WITCH.
All hail, Macbeth! hail to thee, Thane of Hawtness!

SECOND WITCH.
All hail, Macbeth! hail to thee, Thane of Sexy!

THIRD WITCH.
All hail, Macbeth! that shalt be king of the crumpets hereafter!

* Red Bro is my husband’s nickname. Unlike Azog he has hair.

25 thoughts on “I’m Baaaack

  1. I liked 300. Mainly cos of the six packs. Gotta stop writing now as husband is peeking over my shoulder x

  2. I do love you because you are a dirty great perve, but that is not the only reason. I have also missed your excellently concise science posts because there is genuinely no way I would ever get time to read about that shiz myself otherwise. Thanks to you I have been able to create a credible appearance of being cutting edge, simply by dropping the odd well timed comment about higgs bosun particles or nuclear fusion!

    • I was thinking about doing one on stem cells? What do you say?

      • Yes! So much potential but also ethically tricky. I work for a children`s charity and have seen wonderful recoveries as a result of stem cell therapy. However it is s slippery slope – how long before some type of unpleasant `harvesting` industry pops up around it?

  3. Totally missed. The void of relentless perving vicariously through your thoughts is now filled. Welcome back. I now know the name of an orc.

  4. Mumabs! You’re back! Don’t go away again. No-one else ever talks about Colin. I’m relying on you! XX

  5. Welcome back! I’ve hardly blogged lately either but having a break has given me a few fresh ideas so I think it’s probably worth a little hiatus now and then. More importantly, don’t you hate hearing about these West End/Broadway plays with the Kings of Hawtness in the leads, that NEVER tour Australia (see: David Tennant as Hamlet, for example).

    • OMG DT doing Hamlet – that’s something I’d like to Shake my Spear at ;-). Never mind Fass is bringing MacBeth to the big screen! I’m sure I can persuade Dadabs to take me on a movie date night after I “suffer” my way through X Men Days of Future Past and the Avengers 2. Oh my – its going to be a great year at the movies.

  6. I missed you – and your great posts, perves and prattle! I need a spunk boat, STAT. I’m bogged down in 30 to 35 work re-writing websites for large land developers and it’s likely pulling teeth! I have only had 2 real days without work since Xmas, hubby was made redundant and kids are all home. I’m also now sporting a food and booze baby, okay so it’s mainly booze or food I ate because I was boozed but let’s not quibble.
    Glad you’re back lovely. Nothing to report here skipper – just my usual moans and ramblings!

  7. Welcome back! As I like to say ‘Own your weirdness’. I also think people know when you’re amping it up for the sake of entertainment…;)

  8. Welcome back 🙂 Don’t forget to take you camera next time the hunk boat docks 😉 lol
    xxx

  9. You may be the biggest perve on the block, but you’re my hands down FAVOURITE perve. Glad you’re back, baby! Kx

  10. Did my unsales sales pitch almost kinda work? Sorta kinda? Very glad you’re back. I really do need you to invest in some kind of spy camera, though. I’ll start demanding photographic proof of the hunk boat and close encounters of the gymnasium footy team kind very shortly. Own the perve I say. If you stop perving, it means you’re dead (or blind). PS. Red Bro is an awesome nickname. Almost worth growing red hair for that.

  11. You might be a giant perve but you have excellent taste in hunks so I am willing to turn a blind eye to your perviness.

  12. I have missed you! My inbox has been emptier, and way less sexy since you’ve been gone!

  13. Very pleased to see you back! I feel all sorts of weirdness about the blogosphere too. But you’re here and that’s all that matters. Hail to thee!

  14. Matter of fact, I did (miss you) I went to look to see what you had been up to and it was private. I did wonder if I had done something to piss you off, that’s a talent I have, annoying people while all the time being oblivious of the fact – but then I thought, oh get over yourself, she’s probably got her reasons. And you did. Anyway, I am glad to see you back.

    People are idiots and women perve ALL THE TIME, just some of them don’t like to admit it, and if they really don’t I feel dead sorry for them. Nothing gets my pulses racing faster than a nice shirtless hunk. With hair. Waxed moys (man boys) don’t do it for me. I don’t often feel compelled to tell people who I am perving on, though every now and then it just breaks free, but am perfectly happy to listen to your choices, and often find myself in agreement with them 🙂

    I think People Are Idiots might be one of my life mottos. *Shakes impotent fists of fury at the sky.*

    And if my vagina were a movie it would be Hot Fuzz.

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