In December I experienced an existential meltdown and took this blog off line. Ok – some unkind people might call it a petulant dummy spit. Either way I fell into a funk about the blogging scene in general. Also after merrily blogging about crumpet for 18 months and thoroughly enjoying the process I suddenly became deeply uncomfortable about being the biggest perve on the block. In the intervening weeks I’ve decided I should just own the latter. As Shakespeare writes in Hamlet ” to thine own self be true”*. The fact is I am a dirty great perve and that is why YOU love me.
My crisis is mid life centric and remains unresolved. Usually when this kind of mood hits a man buys a convertible sports car and has an affair with his blonde secretary whilst a woman wanders off to eat, pray, shag Javier Bardem in Bali. Sadly these options simply aren’t open to me. For now I choose to obfuscate my sorrows with coffee, chocolate, pink wine, half a dozen ginger haired British actors and Colin Firth. The only conclusion I’ve reached is that I feel more like the person I should be when I write, even if it is only something as puerile as this blog. Hence I’m back in the saddle. Its bound to be a bumpy ride but lets see where it leads this time around.
In the meantime here’s some observations from Chez Abulous;
The Hottie and the Nottie
A few months ago #if my vagina was a movie was “trending” on Twitter. A number of celebrities joined the fray suggesting titles like “No Country for Old Men” and “Chamber of Secrets”. I was tempted to add “Anything with Tom Hiddleston in it” or alternatively “Free Willie”. However I thought that too lewd and vulgar even by my standards (not to mention far too exciting a prospect for Hiddles) so naturally I saved it for your reading pleasure. Anyhow the point that I am rather dismally trying to segue into is that if my marriage were a movie it would be “The Hottie and the Nottie” ( a straight to DVD vehicle for Paris Hilton. What ever happened to her? Who bloody cares?). I ask you is it not enough that my husband is a successful software Maverick with a fetish for wood work who cooks gourmet BBQs on the weekends? Heck he even impressed my girlfriend posse by garnishing a tomato, bocconcini salad with basil flowers plucked fresh from our garden. Does he really need to be hawt as well?
Apparently he does. He has been rising before 6am to attend the gym or do an ocean swim three days a week and has been strutting around looking like an extra from the 300 movie. (Its irrelevant that the 300 movie was gawd awful). People have noticed. One of Dadab’s best mates said following an afternoon swim “Hey Red Bro, with a bit of scarification you would look like Azog the Defiler and I mean that as a compliment”.*
There’s no attempt at hiding the uber nerdiness that permeates Dadabs’ clique. If you dont know who Azog the Defiler is you are a philistine who needs an education. FYI – he’s the head honcho evil orc from the Hobbit series. He’s a nasty piece of work but totally ripped. Shredded! Meanwhile despite my best efforts at they gym ” I dont think you’re ready for my jelly” . Its just not fair.
The Hunk Boat
Just prior to Christmas I happened upon a sight so remarkable I just had to share it with you. We were at the Pyrmont Fish Markets sourcing a metric truck load of smoked salmon. We had stopped for sushi by the marina when a cruising yacht pulled up. That’s a typical occurrence at the Fish Markets. The non typical thing was that the boat was packed to the rafters with shirtless hunks. I kid you not – it was standing room only and not a shirt in sight. I cant tell you how many hunks were onboard – it would be like guessing the number of sweet jelly beans in a jar. I mentioned to Dadabs my concern for the lads’ sun safety and he suggested that I offer to spray them with block out cream. My husband is a brilliant man.
The next day Dadabs asked where I would like to have my coffee that morning and I answered in all honesty “on the hunk boat”. Dadabs told me that I was way too pre-occupied with the hunk boat to which I replied that had it been a shipload of bikini babes he would have been equally impressed. His answer was “but as I am sensitive to your feeling I would not have mentioned it in front of you”. Ouch! Seriously though – it was a boat load of shirtless hunks! There are some things one can not stay silent about. Everybody sing “The hunk boat. Soon will be making another run. The hunk boat. Promises something for everyone”
Did you miss me?
* Speaking of Shakespeare Fass is soon to be starring as MacBeth. The play needs a serious re-write in his honor. For eg.
All hail, Macbeth! hail to thee, Thane of Hawtness!
All hail, Macbeth! hail to thee, Thane of Sexy!
All hail, Macbeth! that shalt be king of the crumpets hereafter!
* Red Bro is my husband’s nickname. Unlike Azog he has hair.