So its school holidays. I know you know how it is – five weeks of mind numbing play dates, family movies, crafting, cooking and hours of skin wrecking sun exposure on the beach all in a vain attempt to distract computer addicted children. If your anything like me you may toy with the lofty goal of keeping your kids screen time to a minimum. If you’re alot like me you’re failing miserably. As I write P1 is watching her umpteenth episode of Total Drama Island on you tube. P2 is lounging in her underwear in front of the media centre in a manner reminiscent of Al Bundy (from the TV classic Married With Children).
Despite having a number of ideas for blog posts swirling around my head (some intellectually worthy, others distinctly unworthy), school holidays have rendered me incapable of riding a coherent train of thought. For now I present my disconnected musings.
Random Thought No 1
The Edelstens: Did the recent news that its Splitsville for Brynne and Dr Geoffrey Edelsten shock you to the very core? I’m completely rattled. Their’s was a love that appeared deeper than coal seam gas. A love which no amount of fracking could dislodge. But beneath the rock solid facade there was much seismic tension. Apparently Dr Geoffrey humiliated Brynne by chasing down (an even) younger model on the dating site Sugardaddy.com (There’s a heads up for all the single girls). Really – some guys dont know when they’ve got it good. I mean if those (spectacularly engineered) bazookas aren’t enough to keep your septuagenarian husband in the yard I don’t know what is.
The word is that Brynne plans to stay in couple’s glitzy pent house. My advice would be to upscale to an estate with a rambling garden. That way she can employee the services of 1) a hunky gardener and 2) a lean and muscular pool boy. Having a ruggedly handsome personal trainer drop in a few days a week may also help with the “healing process”.
Meanwhile I am sure that Dr Geoffrey has written himself a repeat prescription for viagra and refreshed his Sugardaddy.com profile. Helloooooo laaaadies.
Random Thought No 2
Who is James Boag? I’ve no idea but wouldn’t it be fabulous if it was Colin Firth? (BTW – That’s a rhetorical question). Seriously what could be better than a beer with Colin Firth? (That’s actually not a rhetorical question. The answer is a five beers and a port chaser with Colin Firth).
Random Thought No 3
Politically incorrect TV: Since motherhood I have all but abandoned the TV. Nevertheless when I occasionally return to it I often find myself guffawing “I can’t believe they showed that “. These moments are most concentrated on SBS but are by no means confined to it. Shows like Misfits, Quads, South Park, Archer and (the thinly veiled porn that is) Calfornication make me raise both eyebrows so as to resemble the McDonalds emblem. I can because Dadabulous has disallowed botox.
Whenever I find myself ashamedly titilated by Hank Moody’s outrageous antics I cast my mind back to a time when television was far more shocking. Do you remember programs like Mind Your Language, Love Thy Neighbour and Man About the House? These classic British comedies championed the double entendre and the kind of “nudge, nudge, wink, wink” humor that they just don’t do anymore. The shows also employed deplorable racial stereotypes, the likes of which will never (ahem) darken our screens again. Take Mind Your Language for example. This program which ran between 1977 and 1979 used the premise of an ESL teacher to lampoon non-British cultures (no that’s NOT an oxymoron) in an extremely puerile way. The French girl was a nymphomaniac in a low cut top. Not to be outdone the Swedish girl was a bigger nympho in a plunging top AND a short skirt. The Greek and Italian dudes were greasy lotharios constantly hitting on the French and Swedish girls but never getting anywhere because the foreign ladies were hawt for the teacher. The German girl was naturally dour and humorless whilst the Chinese girl always showed up in military uniform spouting Maoist quotes from the Little Red book. Everyone was a few sausages short of a picnic. All races were equal in their stupidity. Of course to my unsophisticated eight year old mind this was freakin’ hilarious.
If the TV networks ever tried this schtick again the interwebs would break with the barrage of complaints and outrage! I guess this proves that society has moved forward (in some respects at least) over the past 35 years. In the enlightened present television gives us sex and violence out the wazoo (figuratively speaking – although in the case of Misfits its literal) but a simple racial stereotype sends us all into a hyperventilating meltdown.
Random Thought No 4
Allo Allo – Whilst we are reminiscing about bawdy British comedies, I want to bring back my favorite piece of childish smut – Allo Allo. Let’s cast Nick Frost as the pudgy French publican with inexplicable sexual magnetism and let the World War 2 mayhem roll on. Did they ever find the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies?
Do you miss any old shows?