Gold: In days of yore when the Egyptians were pre-occupied by a minor infrastructure project known as the Pyramids, I worked for a stock broking firm. One of my colleagues was a failed actor. It seems a tad harsh to describe this guy’s preferred career as “failed”. He embodied many of the traits necessary for actorly success. He was tall and built like a brick dunny, handsome but not impossibly so. More importantly he was charismatic and very, very funny. Unfortunately for Tom ( he was blessed with an actorly name), its not all about looks, charisma and talent in that order. The streets of Hollywood are strewn with attractive, charismatic and talented people who never made it. Its about luck and (I hate to use this term) X factor – an undefinable quality that strikes a chord with people at a given time.
Always enterprising Tom turned his talent for persuasive bullshit into equities dealing. Whilst on paper that sounds like a natural progression, Tom didn’t seem to “feel it” like some of the others. Perhaps he wasn’t such a great actor after all. My boss for instance was hooked into global markets for every waking hour of the day, every day of the year. It would be a considered an OCD like mental disorder if it didn’t make people rich.
Tom flogged a rag bag collection of dodgy mining start ups to high net worth investors who enjoyed a gamble. He’d spend the rest of the day talking like a pirate (especially on international talk like a pirate day), quipping about the sexuality of the rest of the dealing desk and impersonating Rick Astley. (He would turn to the guy next to him and say with great sincerity “Hey Jon, We’ve known each other for so long. Your heart’s been aching but you’re to shy to say it” This would usually be met with an enthusiastic “f@#k off” but the two would disappear downstairs for a ciggie at regular intervals). The trading day commenced with a meeting where the team would
wank on about discuss what happened in international markets over night. Tom’s job was to provide a run down of global commodity price movements. When discussing the price of Gold he’d burst into the classic song by Spandu Ballet. This never failed to provoke a reaction from me because I love that song. It cut through any pretentiousness like a knife through butter. I kinda miss him.
Useless song lyrics: Last week I had the unbridled thrill of visiting the Homemaker Centre in Alexandria. I know – rock n roll all night and party every day people!
Walking through the sliding glass doors my ears were assaulted with a barrage of 1980s easy listening classics. When I heard “Waiting for A Girl Like You” by Foreigner it struck me that I knew it word for word. I am deeply ashamed. Of all the things I could have used my neurons for, this piece of aural cheese is engraved upon my cerebral cortex. Perhaps its because there is a resonate truth in the lyrics. Feel free to croon along.
Maybe I’m wrong
Won’t you tell me if I’m coming on too strong?
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure
I’ve been waiting for Tom Hiddleston
To come into my life
I’ve been waiting for Michael Fassbender
A love that will survive
I’ve been waiting for Colin Firth
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for Damien Lewis
To come into my life
Hang on a minute. That’s not the lyrics to a classic piece of yacht rock. That’s my celebrity hall pass list in order of preference set against some bad 80s sax.
Is your head full of useless song lyrics?
Footnote: Whilst doing “research for this post I stumbled upon this rather interesting picture of Spandu Ballet. They appear to have been caught smuggling five budgies out of the country. Now that really is GOLD and I could not keep it to myself. Boy bands don’t do this sort of thing anymore and pop music is all the poorer for it.