Its Like Totally Random


Gold: In days of yore when the Egyptians were pre-occupied by a minor infrastructure project known as the Pyramids, I worked for a stock broking firm. One of my colleagues was a failed actor. It seems a tad harsh to describe this guy’s preferred career as “failed”. He embodied many of the traits necessary for actorly success. He was tall and built like a brick dunny, handsome but not impossibly so. More importantly he was charismatic and very, very funny. Unfortunately for Tom ( he was blessed with an actorly name), its not all about looks, charisma and talent in that order. The streets of Hollywood are strewn with attractive, charismatic and talented people who never made it. Its about luck and (I hate to use this term) X factor – an undefinable quality that strikes a chord with people at a given time.

Always enterprising Tom turned his talent for persuasive bullshit into equities dealing. Whilst on paper that sounds like a natural progression, Tom didn’t seem to “feel it” like some of the others. Perhaps he wasn’t such a great actor after all. My boss for instance was hooked into global markets for every waking hour of the day, every day of the year.  It would be a considered an OCD like mental disorder if it didn’t make people rich.

My former boss - no not really. We weren't that exciting.

My former boss – no not really. We weren’t that exciting.

Tom flogged a rag bag collection of dodgy mining start ups to high net worth investors who enjoyed a gamble. He’d spend the rest of the day talking like a pirate (especially on international talk like a pirate day), quipping about the sexuality of the rest of the dealing desk and impersonating Rick Astley. (He would turn to the guy next to him and say with great sincerity “Hey Jon, We’ve known each other for so long. Your heart’s been aching but you’re to shy to say it” This would usually be met with an enthusiastic “f@#k off” but the two would disappear downstairs for a ciggie at regular intervals).  The trading day commenced with a meeting where the team would wank on  about  discuss what happened in international markets over night. Tom’s job was to provide a run down of global commodity price movements. When discussing the price of Gold he’d burst into the classic song by Spandu Ballet. This never failed to provoke a reaction from me because I love that song. It cut through any pretentiousness like a knife through butter. I kinda miss him.

Your overnight commodities run down was GOLD!

Tom old mate your overnight commodities reports were GOLD!

But I hope you give Rick Astley up.

But I hope you give Rick Astley up.

Useless song lyrics: Last week  I had the unbridled thrill of visiting the Homemaker Centre in Alexandria. I know – rock n roll all night and party every day people!

The Homemaker Centre - will the partying never end?

The Homemaker Centre – will the partying never end?

Walking through the sliding glass doors my ears were assaulted with a barrage of 1980s easy listening classics. When I heard “Waiting for A Girl Like You” by Foreigner it struck me that I knew it word for word. I am deeply ashamed. Of all the things I could have used my neurons for, this piece of aural cheese is engraved upon my cerebral cortex. Perhaps its because there is a resonate truth in the lyrics.  Feel free to croon along.

Maybe I’m wrong

Won’t you tell me if I’m coming on too strong?
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure

I’ve been waiting for Tom Hiddleston
To come into my life
I’ve been waiting for Michael Fassbender
A love that will survive
I’ve been waiting for Colin Firth
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for Damien Lewis
To come into my life

Hang on a minute. That’s not the lyrics to a classic piece of yacht rock.  That’s my celebrity hall pass list in order of preference set against some bad 80s sax.

Is your head full of useless song lyrics?



Footnote: Whilst doing “research for this post I stumbled upon this rather interesting picture of Spandu Ballet. They appear to have been caught smuggling five budgies out of the country. Now that really is GOLD and I could not keep it to myself. Boy bands don’t do this sort of thing anymore and pop music is all the poorer for it.


28 thoughts on “Its Like Totally Random

  1. Great post, great photos; particularly the last one. I too, have found a lot of inspiration in 80s pop ballads and I do remember arm pumping along to Gold at a party once and one of my chicken fillets thrusting its way out of my bra and onto the dance floor to join in.

  2. The word nappy came to mind when looking at that photo. And what the hell are they looking at?! I think, on the whole, they did themselves a favour keeping their gear on 😀

  3. It’s always nice to have a bright spark in your work environment, I used to be that for some people, but then I got promoted and had to be a boss and that kinda sucks, but still can’t complain! That last pic is HORRIFIC! Talk about budgie smugglers!

  4. OMG that is hysterical. And that last photo is disturbing on so many levels. They are awfully close together, hands seem awkward and why did not even one of them have the balls to say “no way am I wearing that”

  5. I’ve totally forgotten what I was going to say because that last photo has shocked and horrified me. What on earth were they thinking? And even with distorted ’80’s fashion, did anyone think that looked good??? eep!
    I went to Wolf of Wallstreet yesterday and had Hungry like the wolf in my head for about an hour before hand…no idea why…

  6. That photo is so funny, thanks for sharing! Love the budgie smuggler/nappy wearing look!

  7. I always have useless song lyrics in my head.
    Sadly lately it’s mostly been Celine Dion though

  8. Due to a Horrible Histories marathon I have that theme song stuck in my head..I think that last picture could definitely feature as a horrible moment in history!

  9. Great post… extra points for that last hilarious/terrifying photo. I may be scarred for life.

  10. I saw this and instantly thought of you. So bad its kinda funny. Looking for Loki

    Congrats on the commendation from Mrs Woog x

  11. You, yes you lady, are… GOLD! Always believing you’re sooold. You’ve got the power to know you’re indestructible… useless enough for ya? Man I loved that song. Not so much the gold lame wearing bikini briefs. Did you ever see that Modern Family ep where Edward Norton took the piss? Hi.steri, no doubt about it. x

  12. First time reader – Woogsie sent me and am I glad she did!
    As a child of the 80s and fellow Duranie, I can add my derisive laughter and finger pointing at the crotches of those Duran wannabes, Spandau Ballet. (Although secretly, Too Cut A Long Story Short IS a brilliant song and very well sung by one T Hadley).
    Jeez, what were you thinking fellas?! And what were you looking at? The sax player, Steve I think, looks like he went to pick his nappy out of his arse crack and came away with more than he bargained for and is considering wiping it on the drummers back (“but what if he catches me?”).

    Too much?

    I’ll be back!

    Gabs x

  13. GOLD Mumabs. THose loin clothes will leave me too frightened to close my innocent (Hungry?) eyes tonight. One look at them and I can’t disguise. My brain, too, is full of aural cheese (the swiss kind – there are holes in there too) and song lyrics filling space that could be put to good use on actual information. Trivia nights? We’d make a good team. We may even win a jug of beer.

  14. I LOVE that you trawl the internet in search of gold lame loincloths in the name of blog research! It’s really a community service you’re providing here Mumabs! xx

  15. I wake up to a different Wiggles or Hi 5 song each morning courtesy of my 3 y/o, I’m currently rocking “polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? rargh (parrot noise) pieces of eight, pieces of eight, (insert whistle)
    Where is Rick Astley when you need him? I thought he said he’d “never give you up”…thanks a lot Rick

  16. That is so NOT gold!! What the what were they thinking??
    I reckon Tom would have made the office a bit of fun, by the sound of him.

  17. If only I could have learned my times tables the way I learnt song lyrics!

  18. The eighties has a lot to answer for, I can only smile knowingly and gently shake my head.
    We are a household of lyric changers, my hubby more so, usually crude but pleasingly funny 🙂

  19. I want to work with Tom. Sounds like he totally removed the yawn factor from equities. And thanks so much for implanting Rick Astley in my head for the rest of the day!

  20. I knew there was a reason I was more Adam Ant than Spandau Ballet. Loved singing along to Foreigner though, was a big hit in Gymea Tradies disco on a Wednesday night in ’83. Lovin’ your randoms. x

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