How To Be A Dirty Old Lady


I wandered into one of my local coffee establishments and casually flipped through a publication entitled “Living The Dream”. I mistakenly thought it was an advertorial about coastal real estate when in fact it was a how to manual for grey nomads. It made me realize how tantalizingly close I am to fulfilling a long held dream of my own – the dream of becoming a dirty old lady. I’m ploughing into my mid 40s and analysis by the Ponds Institute has shown that my wrinkles are 15% deeper than they were a few years ago. I’ve even sprouted a few fresh ones. In the meantime I’m sure you’ll agree I haven’t become any more respectable – at least not on the inside where it counts.

Being a dirty old lady is an ignoble goal for us all to aspire to and if I can do it anyone can. Here are my best tips on how you too can live the dream of being of being a dirty old lady eastern beaches style.

1) Two of your attributes should be increasing in size as you age. They are your sunglasses and your husband’s bank balance. What did you think I was talking about dahling?

Your sunglasses like your husband's bank balance, can never be too big.

Your sunglasses like your husband’s bank balance, can never be too big.

2) Identify your worst bodily asset and flaunt the heck out of it. Afterall the Kim Kardashian has built an entire industry out of doing just that.

If it can work for KK it can work for Mumabs!

If it can work for KK it can work for Mumabs!

3) Be sure to wear your exercise gear when you frequent your local cafes. People will think your wealthy husband is funding your gym and coffee habit and you wouldn’t want to do anything to discourage this impression.

The right look for your local cafe.

The right look for your local cafe.

While we are on this topic

4) Female only gyms? Ha Ha Ha – That’s hilarious. You really had me going there.

5) Do not attend exercise classes. Do you really want to be in a room with 20 other women who are hawter than you? Go instead to the free weights area. Those boys will appreciate the audience.

Dont deprive him of an audience.

Dont deprive him of an audience.

6) Is your beach dominated by svelte honey skinned teenagers? ( I say YOUR beach because YOU like totally own it). Don’t be intimidated. Intimidate them right back by wearing skimpy bikinis for maximum cellulite exposure.

My cossies - be afraid! Be very afraid!

My cossies – be afraid! Be very afraid!

Alternatively out-bling the whippersnappers with your kaftan collection.

The louder the better

The louder the better

Do you need more inspiration? Here are some absolutely fabulous role models.

ab fab med

Sweetie dahling.

Being a man does not stop Dame Edna from being a dirty old lady.

Being a man does not stop Dame Edna from being a dirty old lady.

Betty White comes in like a wrecking ball. Isn't she gorgeous!

Betty White comes in like a wrecking ball. Isn’t she gorgeous!

I wanna rock it this hard when I'm 74!

I wanna rock it this hard when I’m 74!

I want to buy a motor bike with a side car and take off on a foodie adventure.

I want to buy a motor bike with a side car and take off on a foodie adventure.

The Queen of Dirty!

The Queen of Dirty!

Have you got any tips for me?

Who are your favorite dirty old ladies?



23 thoughts on “How To Be A Dirty Old Lady

  1. I can’t believe you just wrote a blog post about me. Flattered, although I’m cougaring it up on the north side of town so you can keep your beaches in the East.

  2. Superb. Growing old disgracefully, just as I have always lived. I always identified strongly with Patsy. I heard they might be making a Magic Mike sequel – the two times I went to see it, it was mobbed with howling women, presumably all there to enjoy the touching plot (which now completely escapes me) and the acting (or at least their ability to rip their gear off in one fluid movement). Fear not, you are not alone in your quest πŸ™‚

  3. I’m totally failing on the dirty old lady front. There must be a bogan version, though. I’m thinking Kimmy from Kath n’ Kim. Crop top and low slung jeans with my muffin top hanging over, the obligatory lower back tat and I can own the mall (no beaches in the wild west).

  4. I love this post, so spot on. No husband for me so I shall have to ensure that my bank balance is as big as my sunglasses. Or my arse. Whatever. I am especially in awe of your beach owning bikinis… go you!

  5. Is Tina wearing a place mat for a top?
    I am equally impressed with your bikinis, go you indeed!
    Note to self: buy a loud kaftan……. πŸ˜‰

  6. Ha ha ha, love it! I had my first dirty old lady moment before Christmas when I was perving on my daughter’s ju jitsu instructor because he reminded me of my boyfriend in high school. I think I shall embrace it! Go team #IBOT

  7. I love Betty White – I also love that the media still like to bring out the nude photo shoot she did before she was famous, about 70 years ago. Which just shows she’s classy and cool and the media are jack@$$es.
    I hate getting older, but some do rock it better than most…(and of course, it’s much better than the alternative)

  8. Hilarious!
    I too am heading toward my mid 40’s and aspire to being a dirty old lady. My wrinkles are unfortunately being enhanced by all the champagne swilling, but I am enjoying it πŸ˜‰
    I love the idea of wearing your gym gear to the coffee shop. The only issue is being in public in my gym gear – I really need to tone up those problem area that are sagging….

  9. Well I’m on my way! The peach fuzz is building somewhat around the mutton chops so all I need now is a healthy chin hair or two… The lady I’d consider an excellent model for what you’re after I don’t know the name of. But she’s a still-working UK soap actress who was sitting with Lady Gaga on Graham Norton. Check her out, she’s the cow’s tits!

  10. My Mum was so excited to turn 50.. she definitely lived her Dirty 40’s and she doesn’t seem like she is planning on giving them up anytime soon, still attending functions like the Naughty Nuns fancy dress party she showed me photos of just last year…
    So it is probably between my Mum and of course Samantha from Sex and the City that would be my Dirty Old Lady inspirations (not that they are old of course!!!! lol)
    Visiting from IBOT

  11. I’m totally going to be an dirty old lady, I probably am. Probably a bit of a Samantha, without her looks or pay packet. I’m with you on going to the free weights area, feigning an illness and fainting in front of a Mark Wahlberg look-a-like! I must watch Ab Fab re-runs, that’s SO going to be me (minus fags) when I’m older xxx

  12. Babes, I just knew that this was your post when I clicked on the FYBF link. Nobody does it better! x

  13. LOL. Great post. I was laughing at number 1.

  14. For years I’ve been telling people I”m going to be Patsy when I grow up. Bolli only, thanks. Next coffee date, YOUR GYM! x

  15. Oh, I LOVE this!!! I am going to totally embrace being a dirty old lady. Some excellent tips to help me on my way!

  16. Lit
    It is odd that that older women are “hunting” young men while we older men are seeking out older women. This makes sense in some way; I’m just not sure how. Any thoughts?

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