Out Of Control


Normally I go about my daily business unconcerned about the reportage in the tattle rags but this headline gave me great cause for alarm.

Omigawd! Be alarmed!

Omigawd! Be alarmed!

Oh My!  KK’s butt is “out of control”. Does that mean KK’s famous derrière is a major threat to society? Has it morphed from a weapon of mass seduction into one of mass destruction? All I know is I’m worried.

This story conjures up the scenario deftly described in Andy Griffiths’ apocalyptic Bummageddon trilogy. The series starts with The Day My Mum Went Psycho – which is what KK’s appears to be doing right now! In the books twelve year old Zac Freeman is discombobulated (discom-BUM-ulated?) when his rear end keeps detaching itself and running away.  When he follows it one night he uncovers a global conspiracy (conspir-ASS-y?) of bottoms. The bums of the world are planning to render all of mankind unconscious by creating a planet wide fart. We can only hope for humanity’s sake that this is NOT what KK’s posterior has in mind.

KK's autobiography?

KK’s autobiography?

Meanwhile the Bummageddon series should be made into a movie franchise. It is hilarious (or as my father would say “a hairy ass”) and could turn KK into a major film star (because currently we are just not seeing enough of her ). Perhaps Miley Cyrus could co star as her rear end is not backward in coming forward. What are you waiting for Disney?

Miley comes forward backwards.

Miley comes forward backwards.

Speaking of bums – here is a well toned and bedazzled set.

Nice segue eh?

Nice segue eh?

I have not yet watched The Real Housewives of Melbourne or RHOM as it is affectionately known. However it has already taught me a thing or two. Firstly it has turned my preconceived ideas about Melbourne upside down. I apologize in advance to any Melbournites who may be reading for the gratuitous use of stereotypes. I thought that Melbourne prided itself of being a bastion of good taste, refinement and understated elegance unlike brash Sydney which has a harbor and beaches to compensate for it’s lack of couth. There’s nothing understated about the RHOM posse.

RHOM has also shown me what’s missing from my humble eastern beaches existence – SEQUINS and BLING. I probably should have learned this from the uber blog Faux Fuschia but there’s six real housewives so the message is amplified.  By contrast my life looks like this.

Real housewives of the eastern beaches.

Real housewives of the eastern beaches?

I wake up too late, throw a rumbled pair of khaki shorts over the Best and Less underwear I’ve slept in and do the school run before showering. Thankfully I have a hat and sunglasses to preserve my dignity. Being the eastern beaches everybody else manages to look effortlessly chic whilst doing the same thing. The real Real Housewives of the Eastern Beaches could be a blog piece in itself.

If RHOM is anything to go by its not only sartorial razzle dazzle that I lack.

One pair of angel wings - hunks included.

One pair of angel wings – hunks included.

I need to get me a set of angel wings and a pair of dark swarthy hunks to affix them. One hunk per wing is a pretty good ratio as far as I am concerned.

Finally in an argument which should be filed under “first world issues” Dadabs has forbade me from doing botox even though I am so ready for it. He views it as a vacuous and  narcissistic pursuit and believes inner beauty is far more important. ( He even says he doesnt care if I put on weight – bless him!). However for all his politically correct talk I suspect this is the real reason.

Dadabs would rather look at wrinkles.

Dadabs would rather look at wrinkles.

Have you watched the RHOM?

Do you share my concerns about KK’s renegade butt?



PS: I promise to raise the tone next week as I dont think I could go much lower.

Meanwhile – Richard Roxburgh! Nuff said.

RR med

25 thoughts on “Out Of Control

  1. My thing with RHOM is they are too old not to know better -so what are they thinking? I get 21 year olds sign up for Big Brother, not realising they’ll come across like idiots once the editing and alcohol take control. but how do these women not realise they will be made fun of for sport with some dubious editing. And who would agree to some of these photo shoots- they look terrible!!
    I just find it hard to comprehend why adults would agree to this…

  2. When I saw that magazine cover I thought maybe she had gas? I don’t think I need to say how disgusted I am that that magazine will sell thousands of copies

  3. An out of control bum. Wow- it’s like that speed movie, but a bum instead if a bus. I’m intrigued as to what there is to say in the ‘story’… It can’t slow down/stop growing/stop shaking like a Polaroid picture? I didn’t even know there was a RHOM – so you’ve made Monday a learning day for me. Thanks Mumabs.

    • That’s what I do FFF – I spread knowledge! Meanwhile I have often thought my own rump was the size of a bus and hence perfect for the film scenario you have described but I concede it is smaller than KKs.

  4. I would rather watch the antics of Cleaver Green’s backside. Unlike RHOM, Cleaver and Malcolm had me on the edge of my ‘seat’. 🙂

  5. Poor Andy Griffiths. Having his book compared to KK. I hope her psycho bum stays well clear of me. But it would fit right in on RHOM.

  6. There is a reason I don’t buy these magazines just rubbish!

  7. Obviously there isn’t much gossip to stoop so low as to talk about a celebrities ass on the cover. Seriously, though, you got another laugh out of me with this post. 🙂

  8. Oh don’t raise the tone! I love this stuff. You had me in stitches. How could they think ‘my butt’s out of control’ is a good headline? Meanwhile, I’m concerned about Miley’s 8 OMG moments on tour. This is all class this magazine. Where can I get a copy? 😉

  9. I am ashamed to say that i bought that mag just to check out why KKs butt is out of control and the guy in the news agency wouldn’t let me read it with out buying it – for reals. More importantly you have not watched RHOM yet – really??? I am hooked lined and sunk 😉 xx

  10. I’ve heard all sorts of reviews about RHOM, but basically tuned out during every conversation. I just can’t be bothered. And my wardrobe is pretty much exactly the same as yours, except someone squashed my hat.

  11. I can’t say I’ve watched RHOM because we don’t have Fox, but I’m glad. The only butt I’m worried about is mine!

  12. I admit to being curious as to why KK’s bum was out of control and skimmed through the mag whilst at the supermarket the other day. As for the RHOM, I’ve watched half of the first episode, and think I cringed my way through most of it. They are just so fake it’s really hard to watch.

  13. Well I don’t care much for KK’s butt but with an Andy Griffiths obsessed son, I know a movie would be a huge hit! As for the RHOM, as a Melbournite (and a housewife!) trust me this ain’t no representation of the REAL housewives of my Melbourne !

  14. I need to get in on this RHOM. I love me some trashy telly viewing. How I love to laugh at the ridiculous. This scenario sounds perfect for that cause.
    As for the bum thing. I’m sorry, but has her butt ever actually changed??? Isn’t that butt always been like that and totally her trade mark?? Desperate times over at NW obviously.

  15. Hee hee, love it! I WISH I could get my act together to wear my fav sequins & bling for the kindy drop off. But with four under four, I’m lucky to have any item of sparkling clean clothing on lol. Linking up for FYBF 🙂

  16. Obviously our little town of Miling is missing the sequins and bling too! Not sure that the RHO Miling would be worth watching! Big Andy Griffiths fans here and I think a movie of any of the books would be a huge hit in our house!

  17. I’m recalling an episode of Round the Twist, where he attempted to dry his undies in the microwave and they took on magical powers. Perhaps KK’s knickers have suffered a similar fate?

  18. Dear Mumabs, I soooo love your work! I figure we could have been great friends if I still lived in Coogee (lucky for you I’m back in Perth 🙂 ). I’m married to an IT guy, I’m 42; my 6 year old loves Total Drama Island (although worryingly she has moved on to ‘Shezow’. Not sure how ABC3 managed to slip a cartoon about a cross dressing boy in??!..); upon your urging I now regularly refer to hawt men as ‘crumpet’ and I have an amusing story about leaving my shopping bags at Howard’s Storage World and then having to prove to the shop assistant that they were my bags by describing what was in them….. ( aforementioned Andy Griffiths book. She insisted I tell her the title of the children’s book…) Whew sorry about all that. I’ve just been stalking your blog for a while and was a little traumatised when you shut it down so thought I better start commenting to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog.

  19. I saw that magazine cover too! How ridiculous! It’s International Women’s Day and we are constantly criticising other women. How cares about KK’s bum really? I love your outfit!! And please don’t lower your thoughts of us Melbourne women… we really are lovely!!! xxx

  20. Years ago I was shocked that my bum wobbled when I ran. Either I was putting on weight or I didn’t run enough! I still don’t run enough, and my bum has definitely got bigger. oh well. I so know the showerless kindy drop off, and bums around this house are always trying to take over the world one fart at a time, and it’s terrible funny 😉

  21. Years ago I was shocked that my bum wobbled when I ran. Either I was putting on weight or I didn’t run enough! I still don’t run enough, and my bum has definitely got bigger. oh well. I so know the showerless kindy drop off, and bums around this house are always trying to take over the world one fart at a time, and it’s terribly funny 😉

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