Non Transcendence


For reasons that should be obvious, I was keen to see Johnny Depp’s new film – Transcendence.

Obviously Johnny Depp is still smokin' hawt!

Obviously Johnny Depp is smokin’ hawt!

Then I read the reviews. The Rotten Tomatoes site ( only gave it one star. One Star? How could a film featuring both Johnny Depp and Paul Bettany only rate one star? It must really be utter rubbish.

If this pair of crumpets

If this pair of crumpets


Sorry - I mean this pair of crumpets cant lift a film out of the doldrums I dont know what will...

Sorry – I mean this pair of crumpets , cant lift a film out of the doldrums I don’t know what will…

Perhaps the critics and movie going public are struggling with the film’s central premise. Johnny Depp plays a scientific genius working on a mega quantum computer ( much like Dadabulous). That for a start strains credulity. Β After being fatally injured by neo-luddites he has just enough time to up load his consciousness on to said mega computer. The digital Johnny then asks to be hooked up to the interwebs and proceeds to use the entirety of human knowledge to take over the world.

The idea of humans becoming digitally immortal is a common sci-fi plot device – that means the human brain is transferred into cyberspace and hence lives on forever fighting off spammers and Russian hackers. Some serious scientific types believe its a real possibility for the not so distant future. Β Stephen Hawkings for instance supports the idea (he also thinks information leaks out of black holes – whatever that means).

I'm concerned that this hole is leaking.

Oh no my black hole is leaking!

Ray Kurzweil, the renowned futurist and head of engineering at Google honestly believes the interwebs will be awash with uploaded brains by 2045. (I’ll be 75 then – just in time to get on board.) This goes to show that overpaid techies have some odd ideas.

I say “what the heck?” Β I’m prepared to accept some far out concepts for the sake of entertainment – like mutants with superpowers, time travel, intergalactic space flight and the Norse God of Mischief slipping through the time space continuum and conquering the earth*. ( In fact I’m all for the latter scenario. Loki is far more trustworthy than Tony Abbot and is welcome to wink at me anytime. I ask – who would you rather see in lycra?)

What I can’t swallow is the notion that a man (I am being sexist) with his consciousness permanently plugged into the internet would be capable of world domination. Upon upload most men would head straight to a website with the words “big n’ bouncy” in the domain name never to be heard of again. My own husband, (god bless) would make a beeline for the Bunnings online catalogue – a place where comparing the size of drill bits is not a euphemism. There his disembodied mind would fritter away several decades looking for a screw.

Spend eternity looking for a screw at Bunnings.

Spend eternity looking for a screw at Bunnings.

He’d most likely spend a few years pranking still living friends by hacking into their bank accounts and writing “for male escort services rendered” next to any deposits. ( His posse find that schtick uproarious). Then he’d spend the rest of time jumping between MMOs – that’s Massive Multiplayer Online games for those not clued up on nerd speak.

Whilst we are being sexist, it is unlikely that an uploaded female brain would fare much better. Not when there is so much online shopping to be had let alone the temptation to fall down a Pinterest rabbit hole for eternity.

Oooh cute dress from Review (NOT sponsored)

Oooh cute dress from Review (NOT sponsored)

As for myself, living inside the interwebs would give me the chance to read and comment on all the blogs I’ve been meaning to get around to. Eventually I’d take the scenic route to Pinterest via Shirtless British Men of Tumblr and distract myself by pinning some Shirtless British Men. Currently my Pinterest is full of

Life of Brian

Monty Python memes


and 80s indie rockers.

and 80s indie rockers. Ah vintage Moz!

It could use a spruce up. However as long as I have a consciousness my Pin Boards will remain a cupcake free zone.

Mumab's Pin Board

Mumab’s Pin Board

In the future it seems the transition between life (as we know it Jim) and death will be barely noticeable for most first worlders. Yet it sounds like some kind of purgatory to me. You know that feeling you get when you aimlessly scroll through Facebook or Twitter thinking that you’re wasting your life? – extrapolate that to infinity. Personally I don’t want to achieve immortality through a brain upload. I want to achieve it by not dying.**

Digital mind uploads – Heaven or Hell? And where would your consciousness hang out?




* This is a reference to the Avenger’s & Thor films in case you are totally ignorant πŸ˜‰

** Borrowed from a Woody Allen line. I know Woody has done some bad stuff but its still a great line.

38 thoughts on “Non Transcendence

  1. There are so many choices of where I could hang out – I think that I would be in a million different places at once and end up self-imploding

  2. You are far too good a writer for the humble blog alone. I hope that you are submitting to other mediums to shed your very satirical light on a much bigger audience.

  3. I often say I want to be cryogenically frozen when I die… which is kinda the same thing. I saw a show once where an expert said the only thing (however) that actually needed to be frozen was our heads and we could get a new body when we’re unfrozen. So… I like the idea of immortality but only if we get to keep our own thoughts and feelings.

    (I might need to see this movie!)

  4. You know I don’t give any consideration to movie reviews, they are all so subjective and it was probably written by a freshman writer who thinks Justin Bieber is a class act. I love sci-fi and the futuristic concepts that are rampant in modern films. I’m sure our hubbies would meet in MMO land, sigh, and I would be busy getting my fill of candy, eye candy, that is with not a cupcake in sight! Thanks for linking lovely x

  5. This is all a litle complicated for my wee brain. Can I upload mine now? πŸ˜‰

  6. Firstly, and remember my bar is really, really low, but while that idea in the film sounds interesting, the ad looks like a totally stinker. And in this day and age where the ads look unreal even if the movie is a stinker, then it’s a HUGE warning bell if the AD looks crappy. Secondly, the internet is too weird for brains – as you point out, Big’n’Bouncy and how to lose weight blah, blah…

    • I think Johnny Depp is miscast as a genius. A quirky maverick yes – a scientific genius – NO. Perhaps Paul Bettany should have taken the lead. Not that any of that matters if the script is awful.

  7. This sounds like the sort of film Mick would love and I’d avoid like the plague. Meanwhile not only is my Pin Board a cup cake free zone, but my whole life is since I’ve started the Get Healthy programme..*sobs*

  8. You lost me but I still think you’re fabulous. The movie doesn’t sound like one I’d go and see even though I don’t mind a bit of Johnny Depp.

  9. mmmm Johnny Depp… (I mean crumpets…)

  10. I like your idea of hanging around your fave blogs. I could just hang out here in crumpetville! Not too shabby at all!

  11. This concept blows my mind. I think I’d rather die!

  12. I’m sure if they uploaded my brain to a computer there’d be a short circuit. The main thing I live for is food so if I can’t eat or drink then I wouldn’t want to go on.

  13. I fell asleep through certain parts of the movie…it was way too slow! Or as my friend said, we had a few long blinks! πŸ˜›
    Hmm…if my brain were uploaded, they’d have to reprogram the anxiety out of it for things to make sense! πŸ˜›

  14. Where would my mind hang out? I’m ashamed to admit I’d probably be crushing candy’s forever. Or reading reviews about all the hidden messages in TV shows. I’m cool like that.

  15. hmmm I think there could be people who would use their powers for evil. Me? I would probably just look at funny cat pictures and watch vines all day.

  16. Lol, this is great. I love how you write. I’m also surprised that a film with both Johnny and Paul in it would only get one star. It’s definitely hard to imagine a man with his consciousness permanently plugged into the internet being capable of world domination!! πŸ™‚

  17. Woah Muma – don’t think I want to dwell for eternity in binary land. Not if it couldn’t even rot my brain since it would be it’s whole raison d’etre… living in the internet instead of death would be a special kind of hell.
    I believe watching all of Transcendence is also a type of hell. Lured by the crumpet i was all keen to go too, until the Rotten Tomatoes scared me away. Apparently the plot is rot. No matter how pretty the ventriloquist dummy is, if the ventriloquist is making him say “I will rule the universe through the interwebs with my very big genius brain thing cos I’m big big smart” then it aint gonna cut it. What a shame. Such potential there.

  18. I thought this movie was a big YES, then saw the trailer and realized NO!!! Don’t think even gorgeous Johnny could save it.
    I hate to think what I would do for eternity, I wander enough now as it is.

  19. I actually liked the trailer for the movie… although I was more focused on the crumpet than the story line x

  20. I don’t think I would want my mind to live on and on…that’s far too much thinking for me (and my mind might not cope). Kinda like wasting my life, as you say, trawling through FB/Twitter – I reckon I only have one brain and one life and I’m going to feel it rather than just think about it.

  21. So for the sake of *ahem* internet research, I googled “big and bouncy”. First up is a booby channel on You Tube then it’s the FB page to a bouncy castle and watersides shop at Two Rocks in WA.
    You’re welcome x

  22. love monty python memes, especially this one. I also thought this film might have been a good one, but clearly not!! x

  23. You had me at Johnny Depp πŸ˜‰

  24. It’s not a bad movie. Not boring. Reasonable acting. Reasonably entertaining. I can only assume the directing was a bit naff because it could have been brilliant and the trailer looked good. I adore Sci Fi, adore Depp, adore Bettany even more and really like the lady who was in it too (not sexism, just rubbish with names, took me years to learn the male names I mentioned). It SHOULD have been brilliant, but it wasn’t.

    PS, with both your and Vanessa’s blog it says I am subscribed, but I never get any updates. Hence, my disappearance from your comments for a bit. I do not have that excuse with Teegs, I just have about 8 of hers to catch up on. But anyway, I saw your name on Pinky’s blog and thought, oh yer, whatever happened to Mumabs πŸ™‚

  25. I’m afraid I’d try to correct the world’s grammar, realise how fruitless that endeavour was then end up as one of those screaming ghost jokes.

  26. I’d be on my laptop, out the front of catching up on all the things I don’t get to do when I am at Love that picture of Johnny, wit woo. πŸ™‚

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