Dear Chez Abulous
We’ve been together for three and a half years now and that first flush of infatuation has not yet faded. I thought I knew what satisfaction was with the former Chez Abulous but you’ve lifted me to a entire level entirely. To be specific – a second level with a balcony. Up until January 2011 you were the stuff of my wildest fantasies. A two car garage and a patch of lawn in Sydney’s east was something I could only dream about. Then you came along and I fell instantly in love. Walking through your front door for the first time was like stepping into the Tardis. You were literally bigger on the inside. A quaint cottage’s facade giving way to a spacious modern home.
I said to Dadabs in my typical understated manner “If you want to make an offer I will not be upset about it”. He made an offer and within a week an obscene amount of paper work was thrust in our direction. But it was worth it. You were ours.
You can still surprize me with a hidden storage nook or an undiscovered light switch. The excitement is such that even after three and a half years I can’t things clean between you and I. Literally! Your bathrooms (count them 1,2,3,4,5) are reservoirs of dust and mildew. The floors are almost permanently covered in a film of grot and the walk in wardrobes are a no go zone. The gracious high ceilinged play room with the gorgeous bay window is a pit of despair most of the time.
We’ve loved and nurtured you over the past three years. We’ve swapped out all the lights for LEDs, fixed a multitude of plumbing issues, trimmed your hedges regularly and vacuumed your smooth and silky polished floorboards every god darn day. Why do you have to be so high maintenance? You’re not quite an Eastern beaches palace. You dont have full frontal water views. You have no pool (hence no excuse to hire a pool boy) not even one of the plunge variety. In your defense you do have a jet powered spa in the main ensuite but its still no justification for behaving like an Eastern Suburbs princess?
Is it not enough that mould is slowly devouring our spacious faux marble kitchen? Or that I climb these stairs at least 30 times per day (and still have managed to gain weight)?
Now the poles supporting the upper balcony are corroding requiring an expensive fix. Like a trophy wife you constantly need “work” and you are a constant drain to the hip pocket. Infact Mum and Dadabulous working as a team are still not able to satisfy your needs. Perhaps we need a permanent staff to cater to your whims?
Yet like a bad love song, we remain hopelessly devoted despite all the heart ache you cause us. We will never leave you. Your location, location, location, your high ceilings and your splendifious tub have seduced us completely. That and the thought of moving and dealing with f$%king real estate agents again is too much to bear.
Eternally yours (or at least until the kids have us carted off to an aged care facility).
Talk about first world problems! Stop whining. You’d have time to clean me if you got your ever expanding ass off social media. You lazy sod.
Love Chez Abulous.
Do you have a complicated relationship with your family home?