Heroic

15 Comments

Disclaimer: This post will be politically incorrect and tongue in cheek. If you can not handle political incorrectness and tongues in cheeks click away now.

You probably don’t know this and I doubt that you care very much but the geek community is currently all a lather. “Why?”  I hear about three of you ask. The Marvel comic empire has recast Captain America as man of colour. The African American actor Anthony Mackie is about to don the red, white and blue spandex.

And I for one have no problem with that.

And I for one have no problem with that.

Resistance from the nerd herd isn’t based on race for geekiness embraces all colours and creeds. Rather the noise is coming from purists who object to iconic characters being messed with. Why not invent new kick ass superheroes to represent ethnic diversity on the screen?

Plans are afoot to reintroduce Thor as a woman. In the eyes of many (including myself) this is taking political correctness a step too far. If it’s a nod to feminism it’s misguided. In fact I would stress that its detrimental to women (especially middle aged housewives) as it is depriving them of a perve.

Thor - the only reason many middle aged couples can agree on a date night movie.

Hemsworth – the only reason many middle aged couples can agree on a date night movie.

Meanwhile woe betide Stan Lee if he dares to turn my favorite villainous crumpets Magneto and Loki into chix! There’d be rioting in the streets (well a one woman protest ) if female kind are denied that action.

As I have stressed before, I am a feminist. I DO want to see women get equal billing when it comes to saving the world from the multitude of supernatural, alien and mad scientific threats that it constantly faces. The way forward is to add new female superheroes to the stable. If feminism is to be truly vindicated these new super butt kicking sheilas should have realistic bodily proportions and be aged over 35.

With this in mind I would like to pitch a fresh heroine to Marvel Studios – The Wicked Cougar.

An extremely rough artistic impression.

An extremely rough artistic impression.

By day the Wicked Cougar is a mild mannered middle aged mother. She may or may not live in the Eastern Beaches, do a bit of bookkeeping and have an uproariously funny blog. By night she transforms into a bad guy hunting machine and is at her most devastating when the bad guys just happen to be young and hunky.

Her arsenal consists of magic bullets containing a potent mix of cheap botox and nasty sparkling wine which render evil doers both immobile and insensible. Nevertheless her strategy of choice is scaring the bejeepers out of her prey with inappropriate cheesy come-ons.

Like this one.

Like this one.

And

See the fear in his eyes!

See the fear in his eyes!

The best mode of transport for the Wicked Cougar would be a Wicked campervan with an offensive misandrist slogans on it such as

“A hard man is good to find”

or

“A man in the hand is worth two in the bush”*

Alas thanks to the power of social media that is no longer an option. I’m going with a gleaming white Porsche SUV that no one suspects of ever going off road let alone on a hawt villain chase.

My first choice of transportation.

My first choice of transportation.

Being the magnanimous sort that I am happy to volunteer my self to play the leading role.  Wearing skin tight leopard print spandex and kicking butt along side the likes of Hugh Jackman (or rather drinking G&Ts in our trailers whilst our body doubles kick butt) is an arduous task but like scrubbing the loos someone has to do it. Having said that in recent weeks I’ve found myself outclassed on every level by Jacqui Lambie.  I thought I was the consummate dirty old woman but after Jacqui’s recent radio comments I’ve accepted that I’ve got a long way to go.

First up to the casting couch.

First up to the casting couch.

When it comes to channeling the spirit of the Wicked Cougar Jacqui is a hands down winner. I nominate her to take up the leopard skin print mask. Well endowed and cashed up villains consider yourselves warned! Jacqui cant wait to get her claws into you. Rioooooooow!

In the extremely unlikely event that the folks at Marvel reject this proposal I intend to go down the crowd funding route in order to bring my vision to the big screen. I’m not content with just one feature film mind you – I’m totally thinking about the franchise. I’ll start with a trilogy.

1) Claws – Wicked Cougar Origins

2) The Eye of The Cougar

3) Carry On Cougar.

What say you blog fans? Would you support a dirty old lady as a super hero?

Heroically yours

Mumabulous

* We have the fabulous Mae West to thank for those gems.

15 thoughts on “Heroic

  1. Laughing out loud here. Brilliant. I’ve got the soundtrack song for you: Mick Meredith’s “She’s A Cougar”. I’m probably biased because he’s my bf but it’s funny and perfect for Wicked Cougar.

  2. She lacks your wit and style, naturally. Not everyone can pull off the Wicked Cougar persona with the sheer savior faire that you bring to the role. She’s more Mangy Minx as far as I’m concerned!!

    • Love it – the Mangy Minx could be the WC’s arch nemesis. Meanwhile I must admit I would never straight out ask a dude if he was “well endowed”. So artless.

  3. How can they make Anthony Mackie the next Captain America when he played Falcon in The Winter Soldier?

    OK, just went and did some research and NOTHING is changing in The Avengers/Marvel movie line up. The PC changes will be made to the comic book series. According to The Wire website (http://www.thewire.com/entertainment/2014/07/marvels-next-captain-america-will-be-black/374606/), Sam Wilson aka The Falcon will take over as Captain America as Steve Rogers will have his power drained or something like that (which is a fairly unbelievable storyline if you ask me. Humph!).

    Jesus Christ, you know how to scare a woman. Captain Steve Rogers is my fantasy husband and father of my child (although Ned would prefer Tony Stark because he is a billionaire). I just don’t know what we, Ned and I that is, will do as a family unit when RDJ hands the massive boots of Iron Man over to some other actor to play the billionaire/playboy/genius.

    Re Senator Lambie, she is a disgrace. Bleugh!

    • I like the way Ned thinks 🙂 And agree it will be next to impossible to re-cast Iron Man. RDJ simply nailed it! And why cant The Falcon have his own movie instead of replacing Captain America?

  4. Yes I would! As long as you played her. I think Jacqui was attempting to be one of the common people. Unfortunately many folks underestimate the intelligence of most ‘common people’. I see it all the time with politicians. Silly naive buggers!

  5. She gets my vote – although I’m sure her wheels could be slightly snazzier! And I have to say I’m anti Thor being a girl, that hotness should never be taken off the big screen!

  6. Now I can see you being the star of a Carry on movie, with your wicked wit.
    Thor, a woman! Preposterous! What are they thinking? That would surely be a flop.

  7. Ahem. Magneto is already a woman.

  8. Indeed! Not enough dirty old ladies in the comics….I have to say I’m torn on this issue. Part of me thinks, just write new ones, part of me thinks, good for you for mixing it up. Refreshing it, so to speak. That said, as I have always loved Capt America, since I was a kid, I struggle with this change a bit, not because of race issues (I had the same issues when they announced Chris Evans to play him), for me, it’s just not how I see him in my head. I have slowly come round to Chris Evans (who I thought wouldn’t have enough authority or earnestness), so I guess, equally, I will come round on this. (Are you whispering about my geekiness? I can hear you!)

  9. Definitely! Thanks for the morning laugh 🙂

  10. Everything after that picture of Chris Hemsworth was a blur *drooooooolssssss*

  11. Roar Cougar, roar. On a more serious note we do need more diversity in our comic heroes and Disney princesses – for instance Mulan is there, but she never gets proper princess billing.

  12. I say yes to the Wicked Cougar – hell yes but I think Thor or at the very least Chris Hemsworth should be her trusty side kick – for the perv factor alone 😉 xx

  13. Hell yeah I’d support a dirty old lady as a cougar. I’m not sure I support your Bore-gust though :/ You must go into Rollo overdrive in September to make up for it.

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