Insulted By Experts


There are many things that nobody tells you before you embark on the journey of motherhood. One of them is the sheer indignity of it all. Throughout  pregnancy you’re poked and prodded willy nilly by strangers (and not in a good night clubby sort of way). Then there’s the birth itself – nuff said. After that you spend a couple of years smeared in food debris and worse. Finally your children learn to speak and that’s when humiliation really starts to kick in.

My girls are now 7 and 4. They are really quite verbose. If I were to put a positive spin on it, I’d say that they were both remarkably articulate. They both have a talent for flinging insults which surpasses their tender years. The downside is that their advanced A-grade trash talk is inevitably directed at me.  P2 ‘s development is particularly impressive for a four year old. Before hitting school she’s mastering the art of multi-tasking. She can move seamlessly between unconstructive criticism and bull shit with all the skill of a teenager.

Take this exchange for example.

P2: Muuuuuuuum. I want to wear my pink onsie.

M: Its in the wash darling. You’ll have to choose something else.

P2: You are stupider than I thought.

M: Excuse me! You don’t talk to your Mum like that.

P2: I said you were Jupiter.

Nice save P2. I could not be prouder.

Here’s another example where there’s no bullshit but plenty of attitude.

P2: Muuuuuum. Wipe my bum!

M: Just a minute I’m just helping your sister.

P2: Muuuuuum. I said wipe my bum!

M: Be patient.

P2: You are the worst Mum in the world!

M: Excuse me. You don’t speak to me like that. I am a lovely mother.

P2: Whatever! Blah, blah blah!


Dont let her angelic looks fool you...

Dont let her angelic looks fool you…

The pointy end of their wit is reserved for my cooking. OK – I’m not Nigella or Maggie Beer.  However I am not too bad in the kitchen. My husband has survived ten years of my cooking and no one in the household  is underweight.  Nevertheless the kitchen in Chez Abs barely gets a 1 hat rating. After producing yet another gourmet meal complete with fresh herb garnishing P1 (the 7 year old) heaped praise upon Dadabs.

P1: Daddy you should go one MasterChef.

M: How about me? Should I go on Master Chef too?

P1: No you are not a good cooker.

P2: Daddy is a better cooker than you.

Mind you this type of criticism is mild by P2’s standards. Meals are frequently met by a much more scathing. “Its yucky. There’s no way I am going to eat it” or “That tastes like 100 bums” and most colorfully “It tastes like a 1000 bugs crawling in my underwear”.

Seriously! Rewind the clock back 40 years – if I were to have given my parents that kind of shite I would have received a swift whack on the bum for my efforts.

It shouldn’t surprise you that according to my girls I smell. P1 is at pains to tell me that my butt is not “eco-friendly”.  Perhaps someone should slap a carbon tax on me. Nicki Minaj’s by contrast blocks out the sun and slows down global warming.

Meanwhile in world news:

Suits you.

In a stunning boon for sexual equality President Hawt’Bama held a recent press conference which set social media ablaze. Commentary focused upon his taupe suit rather than anything he actually said.


But is it tan, beige, bone, off white or ivory?

I think he looks rather fetching. Not everyone can rock a light coloured suit without looking like Richie Benaud but I think President Crumpet wears it well. It harmonizes with his youthful complexion. What was he talking about again? Oh that’s right just inconsequential issues like policy on Iraq and Syria. Back to the suit. If  light coloured threads are good enough for James Bond (several James Bonds infact) they’re good enough for the leader of the free world.

Roger Moore - a man in tan.

Roger Moore – a man in tan.



Yes Timothy Dalton tan too!

Yes Timothy Dalton tan too!

This is technically grey but when it comes to Sean Connery any excuse will do.

This is technically grey but when it comes to Sean Connery any excuse will do.


Daniel Craig - Oooh my!

Daniel Craig – Oooh my!

Are your kids giving you attitude?

Where do you stand on the tan suit?




21 thoughts on “Insulted By Experts

  1. I often chuckle at your FB posts about P2 – she can fire off a comeback shot like John McEnroe!

    As for my lot, Mr 6 saw a video monologue my younger brother posted FB while half cut and remarked “Uncle Sam does not make good decisions”! Then when alight

  2. Bugger pressed post too soon. I was going to say, while I was alighting from the car the other night to go to a gin tasting Mr. 10 called out “Make sure you drink responsibly Mum”. I was MORTIFIED!!

  3. Depends who is wearing the tan suit. You know where my allegiances lie. Kx

  4. LOLOLOLOLOLOL! I think as a species we are collectively getting dumber. Hot or not? I do like Obama in this, but I think that Benaud wore it best, and 75% of the people that were surveyed agree with me.

  5. Bloody children! I am beginning to get a whole lot of attitude. My eldest is eight. Maybe we’ve been lucky.

  6. Love that pic – I can almost hear her saying ‘Whatever! Blah, blah blah!’
    I like the taupe suit, but gosh hasn’t Obama aged of late. Stress of the job 😦

  7. I seriously snorted on my tea whilst reading ‘it tastes like a 100 bums’!! Where on earth do they come up with this stuff?
    I’ll never forget my cousin calling my aunty the worst combination he could think of, a ‘poo-bum-wee’. It’s still a running joke in the family.
    And no to the taupe. Just no.

  8. Oh I love Sean, he could wear a clown suit and I’d still go there, even at his age now! And dang aren’t you kids great at dishing out clever insults, I foresee a very hectic teenage era for you! Thanks for linking xxx

  9. You had me at Bond….James Bond x I’m very much liking the light coloured suit – no wonder everyone was more interested in it than actual serious and real human rights issues…

  10. I am bloody scared about the attitude my nearly 3 year old is going to give me. He’s still learning to talk properly but his temper, woah! I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle the stuff I reckon he’s going to throw at me and unfortunately, he is a lot like me so I have to prepare myself.

  11. My son told his teacher at the parent teacher interview that I yell at him all the time to be quiet. I told him that his teacher had 4 kids and would understand why…(WTF????)

  12. Excellent research unearthing all those James Bonds wearing a tan suit. All my kids consider me to be the Queen of Ineptitude and this is exactly how it started. Mind you, that photo speaks a thousand words. I think that liittle ‘un will give a run for your money. Cute but dangerous!

    • Over the weekend P2 was bending over chanting “Show your bum bum” whilst her 5 year old cousin filmed her. Fortunately it was on my sister in law’s phone. Life will certainly not be dull with this one.

  13. Funny as … Just what I needed this morning. Thanks for the belly laughs

  14. Kids surely bring us down to earth, don’t they? Miss 8 has attitude plus at the moment.
    Oh and Daniel Craig…yes please!

  15. Oh my, I am laughing so much! Eco-friendly! This is just gold.

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