As much as I like to kid myself that I am a quirky original who broke the proverbial mold, I doubt that my inner experience is unique. Do you ever
Look at your kids and think “How did my inferior genetics create something that gorgeous, funny and brilliant?”
I can guarantee that these two won’t be asking themselves such questions.
Nor these two.
Nor these two when they inevitably get around to breeding (which should be soon as George isn’t getting any younger)
On the topic of George -(which is something I know a number of you would like to be on). Did you observe the George/Amal nuptials with seething resentment? I just wanted to scream “Sod Orf! and stop being so sodding stylish and perfect you bastards!” Why cant Amal be pictured in her Panda slippers from K-mart or with a Lisa Simpson band aid hiding a broken fingernail. Is it because she has never entered K-mart in her life nor broken a finger nail?
Do you linger on the toilet long after your essential business is finished just sitting like a vegetable?
Are you so tired that your bedroom fantasies don’t require crumpets to be satisfying – just a comfy mattress and crisp freshly laundered sheets will do?
Are you possessed by an overwhelming urge to drink at 10 am on a Monday morning? Does this urge persist until 5.01 pm on Friday evening?
Do you ever plan a digital detox? Your mind is full of idyllic visions of how productive you’ll be when you’re not frittering away precious minutes on Facebook? Do you imagine life will be much richer when you’re fully in the moment instead of constantly scanning your news feed? Do you look forward to a day when you’re not comparing yourself negatively with the fabbo lives of others on Facie and Instagram? It never happens right? We remain slaves to the screen.
The celebrity nude photo hacking scandal is a shocking. Do you wonder why 100s of celebrities are taking obscene selfies and storing them on the Cloud? Don’t these people receive enough admiration? Apparently they need to admire themselves as well.
Are you hoping that if Kyle Sandilands has uploaded any (ahem) compromising shots on to the Cloud, the black hats* leave them well alone. May they keep a wide berth of Kyle’s wide girth.
Does reading the Murdoch press make you feel alive? A bit of outrage invigorates the soul.
Do you tut tut with the best of them when successful women are objectified but find jokes about Tony Abbott’s speedos and satellite dish ears amusing? I do – I am not pure of heart.
Do you inwardly cringe when your seven year old belts out “So let me get you in your birthday suit. I’m gonna bring out the big balloons”? She’s got no idea that its rude but the penny is bound to drop soonish. I’m not looking forward to that moment.
Have you given your kids the “talk”? I narrowly avoided it recently when P1 asked the question that every parent dreads. Team Abulous were all having lunch in a bustling Hunter Valley restaurant when she came out with “Muuum – Is Santa real?” Like a seasoned politician I tried to dodge the question by turning it back on her. “If Santa is not real how do all those presents get under the tree?”
“You put them there?” she fired straight back. Obviously my seven year old is too smart for these shenanigans. I had to think on my feet. “Now let me ask you something? Is believing in Santa fun?”
“Yes” she replied. “Would Christmas be as much fun without Santa?” I continued. “No” she admitted. “Well that’s your answer” End of discussion and points to Mumabulous. I was narrowly spared from confessing that Santa is a sham in front of my almost five year old. Not that P2 was listening. P2 was too busy whinging about the colouring sheet the wait staff had given her. She didn’t like the picture. Truly I wonder how P2 puts up with the incompetence that surrounds her.
Can you relate to any of this?
Am I just saying what everyone else is thinking?
* A cool IT savy (not an oxymoron) way of saying bad guy hackers.
** I have no idea who this dude is but I cant complain too much.