Do You Ever?


As much as I like to kid myself that I am a quirky original who broke the proverbial mold, I doubt that my inner experience is unique. Do you ever

Look at your kids and think “How did my inferior genetics create something that gorgeous, funny and brilliant?”

I can guarantee that these two won’t be asking themselves such questions.

Dont you just wish they would Sod Orf

Nor these two.

They can Sod Orf too!

They can Sod Orf too!

Nor these two when they inevitably get around to breeding (which should be soon as George isn’t getting any younger)

These two can especially Sod Orf!

These two can especially Sod Orf!

On the topic of George -(which is something I know a number of you would like to be on). Did you observe the George/Amal nuptials with seething resentment? I just wanted to scream “Sod Orf! and stop being so sodding stylish and perfect you bastards!” Why cant Amal be pictured in her Panda slippers from K-mart or with a Lisa Simpson band aid hiding a broken fingernail. Is it because she has never entered K-mart in her life nor broken a finger nail?

FYI - its really difficult to photograph one's own finger.

FYI – its really difficult to photograph one’s own finger.

Do you linger on the toilet long after your essential business is finished just sitting like a vegetable?

Are you so tired that your bedroom fantasies don’t require crumpets to be satisfying – just a comfy mattress and crisp freshly laundered sheets will do?

The hunk is optional. The wine is NOT.

The hunk is optional. The wine is NOT**

Are you possessed by an overwhelming urge to drink at 10 am on a Monday morning? Does this urge persist until 5.01 pm on Friday evening?

Do you ever plan a digital detox? Your mind is full of idyllic visions of how  productive you’ll be when you’re not frittering away precious minutes on Facebook? Do you imagine life will be much richer when you’re fully in the moment instead of constantly scanning  your news feed? Do you look forward to a day when you’re not comparing yourself negatively with the fabbo lives of others on Facie and Instagram? It never happens right? We remain slaves to the screen.

The celebrity nude photo hacking scandal is a shocking. Do you wonder why 100s of celebrities are taking obscene selfies and storing them on the Cloud? Don’t these people receive enough admiration? Apparently they need to admire themselves as well.

Are you hoping that if Kyle Sandilands has uploaded any (ahem) compromising shots on to the Cloud, the black hats* leave them well alone. May they keep a wide berth of Kyle’s wide girth.

Does reading the Murdoch press make you feel alive? A bit of outrage invigorates the soul.

You make me feel alive.

You make me feel alive.

Do you tut tut with the best of them when successful women are objectified but find jokes about Tony Abbott’s speedos and satellite dish ears amusing? I do – I am not pure of heart.

Do you inwardly cringe when your seven year old belts out “So let me get you in your birthday suit. I’m gonna bring out the big balloons”? She’s  got no idea that its rude but the penny is bound to drop soonish. I’m not looking forward to that moment.

Have you given your kids the “talk”? I narrowly avoided it recently when P1 asked the question that every parent dreads. Team Abulous were all having lunch in a bustling Hunter Valley restaurant when she came out with “Muuum – Is Santa real?” Like a seasoned politician I tried to dodge the question by turning it back on her. “If Santa is not real how do all those presents get under the tree?”

“You put them there?” she fired straight back. Obviously my seven year old is too smart for these shenanigans. I had to think on my feet. “Now let me ask you something? Is believing in Santa fun?”

“Yes” she replied. “Would Christmas be as much fun without Santa?” I continued. “No” she admitted. “Well that’s your answer” End of discussion and points to Mumabulous. I was narrowly spared from confessing that Santa is a sham in front of my almost five year old. Not that P2 was listening. P2 was too busy whinging about the colouring sheet the wait staff had given her. She didn’t like the picture.  Truly I wonder how P2 puts up with the incompetence that surrounds her.

Can you relate to any of this?

Am I just saying what everyone else is thinking?





* A cool IT savy (not an oxymoron) way of saying bad guy hackers.

** I have no idea who this dude is but I cant complain too much.

22 thoughts on “Do You Ever?

  1. I do ALL of these things but have avoided the talk so far – dreading that. However I’m not so much of a gossip girl, don’t watch anything but SBS and ABC and don’t read trashy mags, I’d prefer to watch the doco on Stonehenge that was on TV last night! Since I can’t get out and see the world right now I’ll just have to read/watch all about it! Happy Monday x

  2. Yes to ALL of it. Especially the toilet. Too tired to get up. The worst moment was when A demanded cuddles while I was perched there, staring into space. I’m gonna renovate my house just to build a cupboard big enough to hide in. Meanwhile I am scaling back facie cos I’m madly trying to build a new website. Trying is the key word here. Sleep is my new crumpet, absolutely.

  3. It’s unfair that we’re supposed to be good human beings and not say degrading things about Tony Abbott when his lot seem to be having a go at everyone else all the time. That said, I am currently having a Murdoch press detox – which in Queensland means a newspaper detox – so I’m getting less upset about that sort of thing. But, on the downside, I only know about the trivial sort of stuff that gets shared on the internet, like guff about potato scallops vs potato cakes?

    Apologies (of course) if you have already written a thought-provoking post about the potato scallop issue.

  4. POTATO CAKES!! Ahem. Apart from that, I’m so not up with the news of late. No flipping idea. I am not at all surprised that my kids are gorgeous and smart because HELLO?! Look where they came from! (I do wonder why they’re so uncoordinated, though. And why they like chocolate so much.)

  5. I’m constantly amazed at how I’ve managed to give birth to three extremely handsome, bright, articulate boys who are NOT shy! Meanwhile, the Santa question is a delicate situation here in light of the age difference between my 13 and 10 year old and my (almost) 6 year old. I just stick with the old saying: ‘if you don’t believe, you don’t receive’! The older two know it’s a crock, but they still like the receiving bit!

  6. The celebrities taking selfies in the nuddy makes me wonder all the time. What the hell is that about? I really don’t remember the talk. I think they one day noticed that the plethora of Santas looked different in all the shopping centres and called me on it.

  7. La La La La La La …. (hands over ears) I refuse to enter into your Santa conspiracy world. The next thing you’ll be sprouting is that stalks have nothing to do with delivering babies! Try telling that to Dumbo’s Mum. As if Disney would lie…

  8. So they now sell a phone (or are about to) where the camera defaults to selfie setting…I don’t get the nude photos – you may take one or two,but how many do you need? They seem to take them every day??? And if you had one leak, wouldn’t that be the lesson to stop taking them???? But apparently no…

  9. My bedroom fantasy is exactly that: clean sheets, comfy mattress and snuggly doona and nine hours of blissful sleep.

  10. Have I officially gotten too tired when all I can think about is that great hunk of man meat spilling that red whine on those nice crisp sheets, and so ruining my fantasy of curling up in them with a nice book?

  11. I often linger in the loo. It usually takes the kids about 15 extra seconds to find me there.
    And my past digital detox’s have usually been less productive and more about making notes of all the things I need to update FB with later….

  12. BAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA! OMG to your daughter singing that Katy Perry song…… DYING…. Bring out the BIG balloons!!!

  13. Yep I have had all these talks, I even posted about one myself this week, the dreaded Santa…..One of those pics of yours made me lose my train of thought….what was I saying???

  14. Sometimes the bathroom throne is a blessed escape from the chaos reigning everywhere else in the house!

  15. OMG is that an arse bridge I see. I likey.

  16. Yes to all of it. I cringed the other day when my four year old was singing Nicky Minaj’s BANG BANG or whatever it’s called. For the love of God put on Let it go, I found myself saying. I’m not one for keeping up with current affairs much, but I am quite skilled at keeping up to date with celebrities. I want to be Amal. Life is unfair 😉 Visiting via #teamIBOT

  17. A big yes to pretty much all of this! One of the little cherubs in my 6yo’s class has done the big Santa reveal lately so we’ve been coming up with lots of variations on the ‘if you don’t believe, you don’t get’ theme. I like the way you’ve expressed it (Is believing fun?) – cos that’s really what it’s all about. That and boxing the ears of kids who give the game away cos they think it’s cool. As for George and Amal – the thing that struck me in the magazine coverage was the repetition of how ‘low key’ they were keeping it. What, this old Armani suit? No bridesmaids/groomsmen (cos we’re so low key), just a handful of very rich friends and major Hollywood celebrities (cos we’re so low key). Sigh. Low key just doesn’t look the same in my house!

  18. I’d so be doing the naked selfie if I could be bothered to photoshop out the huge bruise on my shin where I hit it on the coffee table, and if I could be bothered to take off the funky monkey dressing gown, and if I thought anyone would actually want to see it …

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