Life Hacked

22 Comments

Are you thinking about using the services of a Life Coach? Let me save you hundreds of non-medicare rebated dollars by giving you the low down. They will tell you is to formulate some goals. Once these goals are tabulated, they will check  your weekly progress and put a proverbial rocket up you if you fail to achieve them. That’s $150 thank you very much.

Here at Chez Abulous we dont need to pay for life hacking because our lives are well and truly hacked.

A life coach will put one of these up you. Its as painful as it sounds.

A life coach will put one of these up you. It’s as painful as it sounds.*

Dadabulous exemplifies a successful life on all levels. Early in our marriage he informed be of his personal mission because forewarned is forearmed.  He was not going to slide passively into decrepitude with age. On the contrary he  plans to go out with an extended roar.  The hills of the eastern suburbs will truly come to life with the sound of his whinging. If anything (no matter how trivial) even vaguely pisses him off he will fire out missives of complaint to the perpetrator, the newspaper and the local MP. His role model would be Victor Meldrew of One Foot In The Grave but he can’t stand that kind of gentle British comedy. Its yet another thing for him to complain about.

Dadabs gets his grump on.

Dadabs gets his grump on.

Many people dream the dream but Dadabs lives it. We recently sampled a local French bistro sans kids. Although the food was good it did not represent value for money. Dadabs is a keen seeker of value for money. ( Funnily Bunnings always represents money well spent whilst shoe shopping doesn’t). The complaints came thick and fast. The bistro was asking top dollar but forced the customer to pay for vegetable sides, corkage was exorbitant and the communal seating was inconsistent with the outrageous pricing. The diatribe continued on an off throughout the evening and into the following day. I reminded him of his goal of becoming a grumpy old man and commended him on how close he was to achieving it.

Dadabs was compelled to justify this dubious honour. He explained that as a man ages he only gets better at three things;

1) Sprouting hair from the ears and nostrils.

2) Farting

3) Complaining

The conversation then morphed into the most intellectually rigorous debate of our relationship. I argued that much like sexual prowess, farting peaks in adolescence. No creature farts with more gleeful abandon than a teenage boy.  Dadabs and I will have to agree to disagree on that score. Meanwhile he remains resolute in his mission to become a cranky old grouch.  I have no doubt he will fulfill this goal by the preciously young age of 47. (He’s 46)  Aren’t you feeling inspired?

Whilst my husband is on top of his game, I am barely treading water. I have made it my mission to become the dirtiest middle aged woman since Patsy Stone but I seemed to have stalled in my quest.  For one thing I’m not going to the gym because I’m distracted by self indulgent pursuits like housework. This has removed a couple of good perving hours from my week. However I take consolation in the fact that  I am still paying gym membership and making a real contribution towards building the hunks of the future. It should be tax deductible.

patsy med

Living my best life.

 

Moreover I’m seriously falling down in the cougar fashion stakes. I’m missing the ab to my fab. Just look at my leopard print shoes? Scuffed and disgraceful. I’d upgrade but I dont have time to waft around Bondi Junction Westfield like a yummy mummy,  middle aged dowager. There’s so much wrong with that sentence.  It shows just how far I’ve strayed from my true calling.

I need an upgrade.

I need an upgrade.

Meanwhile my sassy seven year old says I should team these boxer shorts with cat ears and be a cougar for Halloween. I dont know where she’d get an idea like that. It is however entirely appropriate for the occasion. It’d be the scariest costume on our block, if notthe whole of Sydney.

Can you think of spookier attire for Halloween? I can't.

Can you think of spookier attire for Halloween? I can’t.

The other area where I am letting team Cougar down is on the drinking front. I confess I’m all Friday night Facebook talk but very little action. I managed  two glasses (and relished very sip) of this cab sav last night and I’ll match it with two tonight. I’m sure you’ll agree its a feeble effort.

I'm not consuming nearly enough.

I’m not consuming nearly enough.

 

There’s now way in Hades I’d pay for the services of a life coach so I am turning it over to you. Blog fans could you hack my ‘abulous life ?  How can I get back on track on my journey towards becoming a dirty old lady?

Is your husband a Victor Meldrew?

Farting? – At what stage in life does it peak?

Life hacks like or loathe?

Love

Mumabulous

* Yes the rocket is Dadabs handiwork. He is polymath.

 

22 thoughts on “Life Hacked

  1. I call it venting, not complaining – I think it’s healthy. And you can be AB Fab any day of the week – no one can maintain that all the time. There, hacked!

  2. Buy more shoes. And buy some for me while you’re at it. Mine are all falling apart but I’ve been too busy kitting out the kids for summer.

  3. Yes, all of the above – it’s called getting older. Embrace it and fight through the lower tolerance to wine and you’ll soon get back on track. New shoes always help me recover my mojo.

  4. You have a dirty mind and that’s really all you need! Plus your vocation as “Crumpet-Matcher” to hundreds of middle-aged women will keep you at the top of your game for many years to come.

  5. Oh, you’ve reminded me how much I miss Ab Fab (the early years – not the dodgy later eps!). Not too sure about the leopard print – tiger stripes would be far more fetching surely.

    And – like you – I’m happy to give Patsy a run for her money on the drinking stakes ‘cept I can’t afford Bollinger or the like. Boring old Yellowglen for me!

  6. Gotta build those lush skills slowly, enjoy the wine!

  7. All Friday night Facebook talk. Bahahhahahhahahhaha! Two more things: Patsy Stone is my fucking hero and at some point I paid an OBSCENE amount of non-refundable money to train as a life coach, until I realised that I didn’t want to be a fucking life coach. There’s $3000 I’ll never get back.

  8. I mean, really… Can you imagine me as a life coach? “Just sort your fucking shit out, OK?”

  9. My hubby is well and truly well on his way to grumpy old man status, in fact he maybe already there! I really could have done with wine tonight, but I have to be happy with chai tea and homebrand dark choc chips! Cab sav goes beautifully with dark chocolate by the way 🙂

  10. Mine too is becoming quite the grumpy Graham, and I have no trouble reminding him of it! I have to say I wouldn’t get a life coach because I know what I have to do I just can’t be bothered doing it right now. I need a do-it-for-me coach! Had to laugh at crumpet comment. You’re a legend. Thanks for linking – Em x

  11. I love nothing more than a good rant, perhaps Dadabs should consider a blog? 😉

  12. I think you need a serious wine sesh in those boxer shorts and some cat ears. 😉

  13. Oh that does sound like a simply fabulous life – and those leopard-print shorts are themselves quite fabulous! This gave me a good giggle and having been awake since 4.30am with a fabulous toddler, I needed it so thanks!

  14. You’ve got to do high heels to do the cougar, other wise you’re just middle age, so new shoes I say, forget the leopard print flats. I normally live up to my Friday night FB talk, only I’m doing #Ocsober, which sort of cramps my style, which will hopefully be offset by my flexible moves from yoga and but some ab in my fab.

  15. My husband reckons when he gets old he will buy a rocking chair, sit on the veranda with an air rifle on his lap and yell out “Get off my lawn whippersnipper” to everyone who walks past. He can’t wait. Those boxer shorts are very cute. I think you should do the cat ears thing. Go on. I dare you 🙂

  16. I think you’re spot on with your description of what a life coach does. I just want someone to tell me what to do with my life. I don’t want to pay someone for me to tell them what I need to do. Sheesh. Anyway, you need to get down to the shops stat to get some new cougar clothes starting with the shoes.

  17. Put the shorts on and the ears, grab a bottle of that wine and a glass and get yourself down to Westfield and shove those woman out of your way and get yourself some new leopard print shoes ASTAT. Geeze… maybe I missed my calling as life coach xx

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