A Cosmetic Misadventure


Recently I engaged the services of a Podiatrist. I’ll spare you the ghastly details but lets just say my issues are minor and mostly cosmetic. The wearing of thongs is de rigueur at my beach and I felt I needed some work done to rock this summer with confidence. We’re talking Havaianas in case there’s any confusion.

I want to feel confident in my thong.

I want to feel confident in my thong.

The procedure I planned to undertake was very new fangled, high tech and involved the use of a laser. This provoked scientific skepticism from Dadabs. “Have you done your research? Are you sure its not some quack bull dust?”  “Relax I’m going to a bona-fide medical establishment”. My (nearly)  five year old P2 was aghast “Dont get lasered Mumma. You’ll die!” She then produced a charming illustration of an evil onion being lasered by a pre-school girl with super powers.  My seven year old who is getting sassier by the day, merely scoffed. “You’re getting lasered? Who’s going to do it – Luke Skywalker? bawahahahahahaha”. Meanwhile I couldn’t be prouder of her indepth knowledge of Star Wars. Dadabs and I are doing a stellar job.

The Podiatrist and his arsenal

The Podiatrist and his arsenal

The fateful day arrived and I entered the Podiatrist’s suite with excitement which demonstrates two things

1) I was really looking forward to ending the scourge of ugly toenails &

2) My life really is that dull.

I was greeted by a big, boofy young man . Brick outhouse would be an apt description.  However his cheeky grin and lively sparkling eyes lifted him to crumpet status – if foot crumpet is a thing. I mused that there were worse ways to spend the next thirty minutes to an hour. I was to be proven wrong!

The dude sat me down in a comfy recliner and assured me that my toenails would not melt and that the whole thing would not be very painful. Yet he contradicted himself by handing me a box of tissues – in case I needed to cry or dry my sweaty palms. Huh? He then told me to yell out “hot” if the pain was becoming unbearable.  He then tried to reassure me that he always over plays the discomfort factor so that clients won’t be angry with him. Now I was confused but I summoned up my best macho posturing. “I’ve given birth twice without an epidural!  I can handle this.” I announced smugly.  He did a good job of feigning nonchalance but I detected a faint flicker of alarm in his eyes. Young men hate the topic of child birth, (especially child free men with live in girlfriends) and frankly who can blame them.

We both donned some stylin’ Lady Gaga type protective goggles and he set to work. I felt the laser’s gentle warmth. It was actually quite pleasant. “Piece of cake” I thought. “This is alright” I said.

This is me getting my toenails lasered.

This is me getting my toenails lasered.


Then without warning or build up it hit. Seering, burning agony! Oh My God! “Ummmm. That’s hurting a bit now. That’s really hurting” I felt tears build up around my eyes. It was orders of magnitude worse than anything I’d suffered at the hands of a professional waxer.


“You’re doing really well” said the dude.

The last time I heard that line I was in labor and it was blatantly untrue both then and now.

The dude informed my that some of his clients (mostly male) “swear like wharfies” and instructed me to “keep talking to him”.

I was subjected to four more bursts of stinging way more intense than child birth. During this time I was distracted by the dude’s amiable banter. I learned that Team Abulous should be watching Arrow and that The Flash is an under rated super hero. Conversely the dude learned that he really must watch Vikings*.

Despite the dude telling me that there would be no residual pain, I felt like my toes had been bashed with a hammer. I whimpered that I needed a glass of red wine to ease the trauma. The dude gave me his permission to neck the whole bottle – the sooner I got “medicated” the better. He also recommended that I throw out all of my old rank shoes and purchase a new collection. This advice was prefaced with  “Your husband’s going to hate me but….”.

My key take aways from this experience were;

  • Super sensitive toes and a pathetic limp.
  • Although the dude tortured me I can’t help but crushing on him a little. It’s impossible not to like a man who recommends you both down a bottle of red and buy new shoes.
  • There is no way in hell a laser is ever going to touch my face.  A future spent looking at my own wrinkles is preferable to the pain.
  • I am completely put off any type of invasive cosmetic treatment. No lipo or implants for me. I’d rather be imperfect than in agony.


9/10 Podiatrists recommend Shiraz

9/10 Podiatrists recommend Shiraz


Cosmetic treatments? How far would you go? Would you suffer for your looks?



* That’s my message to the world.




28 thoughts on “A Cosmetic Misadventure

  1. Taught my daughter early these words ‘Pain is beauty and beauty is pain’ though I must admit it only related to wearing tight ponytails so they stayed in place in her fine hair :))

  2. Foot laser. I don’t know what it’s for but if I ever need it I’m NOT having it. Unless I have a valium and a vodka before it. That will make my wailing more acceptable, I think!

  3. I note that the ‘man’ promptly became a ‘dude’ once he assumed the form of a laser-wielding, wine-recommending crumpet entity. Surely a take-home tip for male readers.

    Isn’t beauty on the inside? Gee, that laser would hurt.

  4. The whole thing sounds rather traumatic. So was the end result worth it, or is that to be seen?
    I *want* some laser hair removal, but having never given birth I have no real idea of my pain threshold. You’re making me reconsider!

  5. Ummm I would prefer wrinkles and lumps as opposed to any form of pain. I saw a friend get botox once and that turned me off. NO THANKS. ~ biggest whimp here.

  6. Not entirely sure what that laser was doing to your toes?
    I have had lots of lasering of stuff and things in the past. I quite like it and you’ve reminded me that I am overdue.
    I find the most painful part is opening your wallet at the session’s end.

  7. How did the toes turn out? Pics? I’ve had laser to burn out a skin cancer but the Plastic Surgeon anesthetized it first. There are so many nerve endings in your toes it would bloody hurt!

  8. My toes were curling at the mere description of this. You have my eternal awe.

  9. Yucky yuck yuck. My pain threshold is apparently quite high but that still sounds unfun.

    That said, I’d go laser eye correction if I could. My eyes aren’t the right shape for it or some such nonsense. WHATEVS. Glasses are totes hot right now, right?

  10. Ouch – I’m a complete sook so I’ll just have to live with ugly hooves!

  11. Um nope. My toe nails have run and hid. Great that you had a good foot ‘dude’ 🙂

  12. Not a word of a lie I wrote about laser for fungal nail infections last week, yes I’m farking glamorous. The boss dude didn’t mention the pain. But hey if he means nice feet in those sexy jandals then isn’t it worth it!! Thanks for linking lovely xx

  13. I have one dud toenail thanks to a white tip spider bite. I didn’t even know about this laser treatment but you know what I think you’ve turned me off it already.

  14. I’m a do nothing gal, in case it goes wrong…esp lasik. So I’ll wear my old lady glasses forever, thanks.

  15. Oh my Lord, Mumabs! Laser surgery on your feet! I’ve never heard of such a thing. I feel concerned that there was a big burly bloke doing it too and not a cute little beautician. Does he have a licence? Are your feet okay now? How do they look? How much does it cost and where can I get it done? Ps. Good on you for spreading the word on Vikings. Bring on Season 3.

    • He was a proper medical podiatrist with a four year health sciences degree. I properly grilled him about that. Yep – bring on Season 3 of the Vikings! (But what’s this BS I hear about Athelstan being killed off – he is too hawt to die. Meanwhile did I detect was a hint that Lagertha is getting jiggy with King Ecbert? This is great for Lagertha as King Ecbert is hawt but as a scenario not highly likely.)

  16. Foot laser – ummm ouch!!! This sounds like such a horrible experience – I’m glad there was wine at the end xx

  17. It sounds positively terrifying. In a very intriguing, makes me want to google it way.
    I think I’ll age gracefully. My dad informed me the other week that my nose is only going to get bigger, so maybe the wrinkles will detract from that.

  18. I always worry about the after effects of laser treatments but after reading this I ain’t going anywhere near a laser for cosmetic reasons. Ouch ouch ouch!! Could you walk afterwards?

  19. Umm you’ve just convinced me never to go anywhere near a laser! Yep, I’m a wimp

  20. Those must have been some seriously unattractive tootsies. Well done to you for enduring pain for the sake of the Havis. x

  21. Sounds horrible. But new shoes are always a plus! Hope you’re feeling much better haha.

  22. I’ve not let anyone near my toes with a laser, but I have let someone apply one to my nether regions. It hurt a bit, but the pain was nowhere near as disconcerting as the smell of BBQ.

  23. Oh, I’d like some work done on my face, but my body is in such a dire state it seems like a waste!

  24. Holy shitballs – laser for the toes? I have never heard of it and now I will probably never do it because ummm pain! Well done you though for enduring, you totally deserved that crumpet perve and bottle of red! xx

  25. From your description of the dude it sounds like the one that lasered my big toenail. If it’s any consolation he told me he once sat next to Johnny Depp at a conference.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s