Its a parent’s God given right to both embarrass and annoy their offspring. Here at Chez Abulous embarrassment is yet to kick in. At age 7 and (almost) 5 my girls are too young to be fully cognisant of just how embarrassing Mum and Dadabs are. We are both short of stature, wild of hair and geeky of taste. No doubt we will cause much mortification in the future. In the meantime I’ve got the annoyance thing down pat. As a generous spirit I shall share my knowledge and experience so that you too can drive your kids crazy.
I present a by no means definitive list of things that irritate the bejeepers out of my kids.
Singing. They hate it when I butcher their favorite Katy Perry toons. However I special form of loathing is reserved for my rendition of Weird Al’s “Eat it”. For me this 80s classic has taken on special resonance since becoming a parent. These lines get trotted out at meal times with alarming frequency ;
“Don’t want to argue. I don’t want to debate
Don’t wanna hear about the foods you hate
You won’t get no dessert til you clean up your plate
So eat it. Just eat it. Wooooooooo!”
The response is always groaning and pleading. “Muuuuum. You said you wouldn’t sing that.”
NB: For bonus annoyance points make sure to add a enthusiastic “Woooooooooooooo”. A Michael Jackson crotch grab is probably taking things too far. It is also important to note that the “Dont want to argue. I dont want to debate” line covers a wide range of situations. I like to trot it out in the morning when the girls are complaining about my choice of socks.
Being described as “recalcitrant” – The Malaysian PM Mahathir Mohamad did not appreciate it when he was accused of recalcitrance by Paul Keating. (This happened in 1993 so of course you are too young to remember it). At the time it sparked a diplomatic incident. If anything my kids like it less than Mahathir. “Muuuum. I am NOT a ‘calcitrant. Don’t call me a ‘calcitrint”, they will whine whilst refusing to get dressed, brush their teeth or put on shoes. The fact that they are recalcitrant to do these things is of no concern to them.
Criticizing their choice of viewing – My seven year old has recently become a Winx fan girl. I’m not sure its appropriate but the horse has bolted. Banning it now would only imbue it with a mystique it does not deserve. My problem is that the Winx present like slappers. Their hair is over coiffed, they wear too much makeup and slink around in slutty skin tight lycra – and that is just the blokes. P1 doesn’t appreciate me pointing this out to her. Meanwhile I know she’ll tire of Winx and go back to watching (bloody) Arthur on a continuous loop. Arthur is innocuous (which makes him so bloody irritating).
Repetition – “What cant I do?” – “Two things at once”. “What don’t I like?” – “whinging”. I say these things so many times I day ,I should bypass speaking and just get the T-shirt printed. “Muuum. You say this all the time. You’re boring” Nevertheless after 7 years of parenthood the message is yet to sink in. Perhaps it cant penetrate the brain blood barrier at the molecular level.
The fact that I cant do two things at once.
The fact that my tolerance for whinging is limited.
My technical incompetence -The girls are believers in the magic of technology. For them the interwebs is a mystical place where their every desire can be conjured. This is true 99% of the time. Occasionally however the internet wont give them what they want eg- film clip where the La La Loopsys join forces with My Little Pony to go raiding in Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom. It is evitably my fault when You Tube wont deliver.
Inadequate wardrobe – P2 can never find anything suitable to wear and as Chez Ab’s chief fashion buyer it is my fault. My taste is apparently concealed within my underpants.
Sending packaged snacks to school on Waste-Free-Wednesday. Woe betide the parent who places packaged snacks in their child’s lunch box on Waste Free Wednesday. Not only are you solely responsible for the melting of the polar ice caps you’ve denied you child precious “house points”.
My Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation – Fair call – that’s really annoying.
What would you add to the list? How to you annoy your kids? Are you embarrassing them yet? I need some tips for the future.