In news just to hand Immigration Minister Scott Morrison made the most popular move of his career by booting the notorious “executive dating coach” Julien Blanc out of the country. In case you were blissfully unaware Blanc was in Melbourne to deliver a seminar on his 100% succsex guaranteed pick up technique. Blanc claims that he can show you the moves that will have attractive women “begging” you for sex. On his website Pimp, a hilarious read Blanc promises his proteges that they will
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As you know Mumabulous is not a prude. I am in favor of dodgy pick up lines – the cheesier the better. I mean I would respond to a “Hey baby, is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them” if it were delivered by Michael Fassbender and I had consumed several Moets on a luxury yacht. If Colin Firth approached me on the grounds of Pemberley with a “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you”, I would go down like the proverbial domino. Heck even a “Wench, get me some mead” would work if uttered by Clive Standen in full Viking regalia. Blanc however aims much lower than this. He is advocating choking women as a means of getting their attention. That isn’t a turn on in most peoples books. It’s assault.
Quite rightfully Blanc was sent packing. Meanwhile there’s a gaping chasm on the motivational speaking circuit. I have heard whispers that the seminar organizers were in emergency discussions with Geoffrey Edelsten Apparently there is much demand among the old n’ crusty set for tuition in how to get a hawt young bird. Unfortunately the key message “have truckloads of cash” couldn’t be stretched into a one hour talk.
The awesomeness on a stick which is Hugzilla was quick to put forward an alternative proposal. She is offering to run a seminar on how to attract women by being a decent human being.
Its a very nice idea. I have a fondness for decent human beings. In fact I married one. Nevertheless all this pleasantness doesn’t gel with Mumab’s personal style. I suggest us old chix get revenge. In the spirit of cheeky evilness I present “Pimp Your Game : Cougar!!!!”.
In this exciting seminar I will educate you on how to embarrass men of all ages making a complete ass of yourself in the process. With a little help from the Mumabs you will be able to make even the most hardened tradies and high flying execs blush. I’m talking beetroot red faces or your money back. And everyone knows that you cant beet a root.(Boom Tish)
Here’s an apéritif.
Words that must be immediately deleted from your vocabulary.
Shame, understatement, subtly, taste, sophistication and discretion. “Classy” is allowed but only when used with a bogan accent and an ironic tone. For eg “That Benedict Crumpetbatch is one claaaaaaasssssseeeeee piece of crumpet. I could go some eggs Benedict the morning after. You know what I am saying. Nudge nudge wink wink”
How to dress for success.
All your prints must be animal skin, your heels teetering, your makeup premixed in a cement truck and your hair big. Small hair and flat shoes are for boring wimps like my alter ego Brenda.
I view Jennifer Lopez as a spiritual twin. We are both mid 40s, round of derrière and live by the mantra “Lets get loud”. A cougar with a pimped game is never quiet. I advocate carrying a honking horn in your voluminous leopard print hand bag. It should be used whenever you pass by a building site, a footy team in training, a shirtless man mowing his front lawn etc etc. The opportunities for a good honk are endless.
It is important to note that your car horn is extremely useful when you pass by a man in lycra on a bike (as long as it is not Tony Abbott).
Pick Up Ability
The pimped Cougar must be the mistress of the gawd awful pick up line. My personal favorite is to approach your mark, dip your fingers in your sparkling wine moisten his shirt and purr ” Now lets get you out of those wet clothes”. I have personally never failed with this one (because I have never had the chutz pah to use it). Another goodie is to approach your favored crumpet, remove the ice from your drink, place it on the floor and stomp on it. “That broke the ice” (Boom Tish). Here’s another zinger I found on the interwebs ; “Are you from UPS? Because I’d sign for that package.”
Here’s a sample of the merchandise that will be on sale after the seminar. T-shirts that a cougar can wear with pride.
Are you ready to Pimp Your Game?