Pimp Our Game

25 Comments

In news just to hand Immigration Minister Scott Morrison made the most popular move of his career by booting the notorious “executive dating coach” Julien Blanc out of the country. In case you were blissfully unaware Blanc was in Melbourne to deliver a seminar on his 100% succsex  guaranteed pick up technique.  Blanc claims that he can show you the moves that will have attractive women “begging” you for sex. On his website Pimp, a hilarious read Blanc promises his proteges that they will

DEVELOP PANTY-DROPPING MASCULINITY WITH THIS
ROCK-SOLID STRUCTURE TO SELF-GENERATE
THE POWERFUL EMOTIONS GIRLS CRAVE

 As you know Mumabulous is not a prude. I am in favor of dodgy pick up lines – the cheesier the better. I mean I would respond to a “Hey baby, is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them” if it were delivered by Michael Fassbender and I had consumed several Moets on a luxury yacht.  If Colin Firth approached me on the grounds of  Pemberley with a “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you”, I would go down like the proverbial domino. Heck even a “Wench, get me some mead” would work if uttered by Clive Standen in full Viking regalia.  Blanc however aims much lower than this. He is advocating choking women as a means of getting their attention. That isn’t a turn on in most peoples books. It’s assault.

Oh my Fass! You've got your glove on already! Down boy!

Oh my Fass! You’ve got your glove on already! Down boy!

Quite rightfully Blanc was sent packing. Meanwhile there’s a gaping chasm on the motivational speaking circuit. I have heard whispers that the seminar organizers were in emergency discussions with Geoffrey Edelsten  Apparently there is much demand among the old n’ crusty set for tuition in how to get a hawt young bird. Unfortunately the key message “have truckloads of cash” couldn’t be stretched into a one hour talk.

The awesomeness on a stick which is Hugzilla was quick to put forward an alternative proposal. She is offering to run a seminar on how to attract women by being a decent human being.

http://hugzillablog.com/2014/11/08/how-to-make-girls-beg-to-sleep-with-you-by-being-a-decent-human-being/

Its a very nice idea. I have a fondness for decent human beings. In fact I married one. Nevertheless all this pleasantness doesn’t gel with  Mumab’s personal style. I suggest  us old chix get revenge. In the spirit of cheeky evilness I present “Pimp Your Game : Cougar!!!!”.

pimp your game

 

In this exciting seminar I will educate you on how to embarrass men of all ages making a complete ass of yourself in the process. With a little help from the Mumabs you will be able to make even the most hardened tradies and high flying execs blush. I’m talking beetroot red faces or your money back. And everyone knows that you cant beet a root.(Boom Tish)

Here’s an apéritif.

100% Cougar approved Sherry!

100% Cougar approved Sherry!

 

Words that must be immediately deleted from your vocabulary.

Shame, understatement, subtly, taste, sophistication and discretion. “Classy” is allowed but only when used with a bogan accent and an ironic tone. For eg “That Benedict Crumpetbatch is one claaaaaaasssssseeeeee piece of crumpet. I could go some eggs Benedict the morning after. You know what I am saying. Nudge nudge wink wink”

How to dress for success.

All your prints must be animal skin, your heels teetering, your makeup premixed in a cement truck and your hair big. Small hair and flat shoes are for boring wimps like my alter ego Brenda.

Japanese middle aged pop idols - Obachan. My kind of people.

Japanese middle aged pop idols – Obachan. My kind of people.

HONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I view Jennifer Lopez as a spiritual twin. We are both mid 40s, round of derrière and live by the mantra “Lets get loud”.  A cougar with a pimped game is never quiet. I advocate carrying a honking horn in your voluminous leopard print hand bag. It should  be used whenever you pass by a building site, a footy team in training, a shirtless man mowing his front lawn etc etc. The opportunities for a good honk are endless.

Its all about that HONK!

Its all about that HONK!

It is important to note that your car horn is extremely useful when you pass by a man in lycra on a bike (as long as it is not Tony Abbott).

Pick Up Ability

The pimped Cougar must be the mistress of the gawd awful pick up line. My personal favorite is to approach your mark, dip your fingers in your sparkling wine moisten his shirt and purr ” Now lets get you out of those wet clothes”. I have personally never failed with this one (because I have never had the chutz pah to use it).  Another goodie is to approach your favored crumpet, remove the ice from your drink, place it on the floor and stomp on it. “That broke the ice” (Boom Tish). Here’s another zinger I found on the interwebs ; “Are you from UPS? Because I’d sign for that package.”

Merchandise

Here’s a sample of the merchandise that will be on sale after the seminar. T-shirts that a cougar can wear with pride.

T Shirt MED

 

Are you ready to Pimp Your Game?

Love

Mumabulous

 

 

 

 

25 thoughts on “Pimp Our Game

  1. Are you selling those t-shirts? Cos I want one. Given my *ahem* man-drought it would be a big fib, but who cares!!!???

  2. I would definitely sign up to that seminar!

  3. PS, Just to clarify, I meant YOUR seminar, not that other one. Where can I get one of those honking horns from?

  4. Of course, given Scott Morrison’s history, it would be hard for any semi-reasonable decision NOT to be his most popular one ever 🙂

  5. On the subject of eggs I’ve always liked the line when asking a lady the morning after … “how do you like your eggs?” Hopefully she replies with “unfertilised please”

  6. You had me at “You can’t beet a root.” I’d love one of those Tshirts for next year’s ProBlogger. What do you reckon? You are a clever little thing Mumabs:)

  7. You are such a wordsmith my friend – like a domino – GOLD! Thanks for linking!

  8. OMG! You are hilarious. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in awhile. I really hope I get to meet you IRL sometime. I have a lot to learn from you before I enter my cougar years 🙂

  9. I’m thinking one of your seminars would be a riotous, rip snorting encounter. I’m in!

  10. I think I need to pimp up my game…if only for the distraction. I loved that the guy taking the JB seminar on the boat (because JB was too chicken to turn up) said ‘they were threaten violence. it was really scary – that’s not cool’ or something along those lines…which is how those women that they grab in the street and push their heads down to their crotch must feel…funny how they don’t see the irony of that…

  11. I love a good pick up line. I went to work with plumbers that always had a good line… and yes some made me turn red as a beetroot!

  12. THIS is your future Mumabs! The world has never been more in need of a top quality cougar coach and it is clearly your destiny to fill this gap (HONK!!). I foresee that you will be the Anthony Robbins of cougars – they will fill auditoriums in their leopard printed thousands to learn you secrets 🙂

  13. Yep, there’s definitely a market for this. Just pick your suburbs, lol:-) Visiting from #IBOT.

  14. HA!!! Pick up lines are hilarious to hear, but I couldn’t stand having them used on me. Even back in my 20’s when they were actually used on me. HA! WAIT- I did get a pick up line lately. I was out walking the child in the pram when a couple of bogans on bikes went by and one of them “politely” hollered at me “OI! You in the yummy mummy club? ‘Cause you should be.”
    I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or be extremely frightened. The mixture of both coming from my face h was probably a site to see. I need to be honked at more often, evidently.

  15. Can I sign up… I’m always in need of a part-time husband, as I’m a FIFO mum and need a hand… no-one’s tried to pick me up in about 19 years – what a relief!

  16. Yes to everything. Hooray that Julien’s gone, and a Mumabs seminar… where do I sign up?

  17. I AM NOT IN SPAM! HOORAY!

  18. Thanks for the laughs. Now down to business, I’m in the cougar age range, where do I sign up for that seminar???

  19. Ba ha ha! I missed this one earlier in the week Brenda – but then again, perfect timing before the weekend! I’m glad (and a little surprised) that Julien was so swiftly sent packing. That’s border protection in action right there. I think the world needs a cougar mentor. Show me the ebook!

  20. Oh yeah I love the Pimp our Game idea – those t-shirts would sell out faster than you could make them 🙂
    And yippee that Julien Blanc and his seminars were booted out of the country, still can’t believe he could be teaching that garbage and get paid for it. Hopefully his company is now non-existent 🙂

  21. I just can’t get past those Obachan chicks!

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