My Crystal Balls

41 Comments

Some of the world’s best bloggers (ie Mrs Woog) are putting out their forecasts for 2015. Being a follower rather than a leader and a leaner rather than a lifter, I thought I’d grab a piece of that action. I’ve consulted my crystal balls to give you a list of sure fire predictions for the year just commenced.

The Mumabs knows how to handle her crystal balls. Not me but it could be.

The Mumabs knows how to handle her crystal balls. Not me but it could be.

1) Peace will not come to the Middle East.  For reasons unfathomable to most of the world (myself included) the various factions over there will continue to pummel each other. The West will continue to flush hundreds of billions of dollars down that fiscal S bend.  Anyone who points out that the trillions (An estimated $4.4 trillion by the US alone) spent since 2001 might have gone (at least in part) to progressive causes like education, health and infrastructure will be shouted down by flash mobs of Captain America types in star spangled jocks.

2) Global carbon emissions will level off. They may even dip a little bit. The ensuing debate will be an infinite circle jerk along these lines – the fall in carbon emissions was due to the slowing global economy. The slowing economy was due to the various carbon taxes/emission trading schemes.

3) On the home front Tony Abbott wont get any more popular.

4) Bill Shorten realizes that nothing he does enhances TA’s unpopularity. Hence Bill Shorten will do nothing in 2015.

5) How reassuring it is then that we have Clive Palmer to look after the interests of Australian business – specifically his own.

6) Jackie Lambie will obstruct the workings of the senate like a brick on the road. Unfortunately the comparison with a brick does not end there.

Jacqui Lambie

Jacqui Lambie

7) The inscrutable, arrogant but strangely attractive (I  admitted it. I feel somehow unburdened)  Malcom Turnbull will continue to simmer away biding his time. Next stop – Treasury?

8) Supporters of the Coalition will mindlessly blame the ALP for everything from our “dire” economic state to the the abundance of Halal food in our supermarkets. Labor have mortgaged our children’s children’s future with their irresponsible spending doncha know.*

9) Similarly supporters of the ALP will lambast the Coalition for turning the nation’s heart to stone. Tony Abbott must personally accept responsibility for taking the women’s movement to the 1950s and single handedly destroying the Great Barrier Reef.

10) No one will be able to locate a rational, nuanced and balanced argument in the Australian media unless it relates to football.

11) Our attention will be diverted by minor outrages. The interwebs will explode every time a minor celebrity parades their nappy clad child,  a random  politician makes an anti feminist remark or Kochie gaffes. These mini shite storms will occur at the rate of at least one a week. The CSIRO will point to massive increase in hot air. At least it would if it had adequate funding.

How much outrage will this man cause in 2015?

How much outrage will this man cause in 2015?

12) Australian commercial television will trot out the same tired formulas. Mumabulous will not watch any Australian commercial TV but I will join the rest of the world for Game of Thrones.

13) The next installment of Game of Thrones will screen to unprecedented fanfare not to mention record global on line pirating. If anything threatens to break the internet it’s GoT.  However by the end of Series 5 we will be no closer to working out who will ultimately take the Iron Throne. Meanwhile George RR Martin will not finish the next f$%king book in 2015. The chorus of fans fretting that GRRM will die before he completes the series will just get louder. Such concerns are valid.

The question is will GRRM survive the series?

The question is will GRRM survive the series?

14) Eddie Redmayne is hawt and will win the Oscar for his portrayal of Stephen Hawkings in The Theory of Everything. Basic Oscar principles are at play here. The actor who depicts a physically challenged character has an extremely high probability of winning. Furthermore an extremely good looking actor who makes him or herself less good looking always takes the gong eg Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron, Matthew McConaughey. It’s as if they must  be compensated for the indignity of looking like a normal person for a few months. Tick, tick for Eddie.

The major obstacle in Eddie’s path is Steve Carrell. Steve also made himself unattractive for the movie Foxcatcher. Everybody loves Steve Carrell. Heck I love Steve Carrell but not as much as Eddie Redmayne.

And yes that's Steve Carrell in case you didn't recognize him.

And yes that’s Steve Carrell in case you didn’t recognize him.

15) Prince Harry will do more stuff like this and my middle aged ovaries wont handle the onslaught. Bless his royal socks.

Stop it Harry! My oestrogen levels are off the charts.

Stop it Harry! My oestrogen levels are off the charts.

16) Drinks served in jam jars are officially passe. Jam jars lost their cutting edge some months ago when they were featured in the Woolworths magazine. The problem is that there’s a lag effect with these things. All the hipster cafes expended good money acquiring their jam jars. 2015 will see the jam jars gradually switched out for alternative drinking vessels. I personally favor the Game of Thrones inspired chalice or a shallow dish modeled on the pectorals of Clive Standen.

17) Speaking  of Clive Standen – Oh My! Series 3 of Vikings promises to be smokin’ hawt. The gang invades medieval Paris. Mayhem, chaos and good old fashion hawtness must surely ensue. Shirts optional.

18) I recently purchased a very cute child’s swim suit with a pineapple motif. When I adopt a trend its a sure signal that its over. Another fruit needs to step up. Perhaps 2015 is the Kiwi fruit’s time to shine?

Kiwi fruit step up.

Kiwi fruit step up.

19) Footballers across all codes will cause public consternation with their fool hardy antics. I envision more drunken bar brawls and generally vulgar behavior from professional sportsmen in 2015. That overpaid and over sexed meat heads act like twerps is unsurprizing to me. That they continue to film and post their misadventures on social media is.

20) I will bombard you with my personal tastes and subjective opinions. Hopefully it will be done in an entertaining way.

Do you have any predictions to throw on the table. What are your crystal balls saying?

Wishing the blog fans all the best for 2015.

Mumabulous

* Back in the heady days of the mining boom when the country was swimming in rivers of gold the Howard government introduced an unsustainable raft of tax cuts and middle class welfare. I dont recall too many people complaining at the time. The ALP did nothing to wind this back but added to it with grandiose (but noble) programs like the NBN etc. Keep in mind that despite the two parties worst efforts Australia’s public debt sits at around 14% of GDP which compares extremely favorably to the OECD average of just over 50%

Nothing shits me more than talk of inter-generational ruination. Our children’s children will no doubt work things out for themselves unless of course we completely trash the environment.

41 thoughts on “My Crystal Balls

  1. What is it with Malcolm Turnbull??? Most definitely not Abbot, Shorten or even remotely Palmer…no character inspiration for next book there!

  2. LOL I thank you and your balls for your predictions. You know what – I think every one of them will come true! You are GOOD!! I never did get on board with the pineapple trend and I spent most of 2014 shaking my head in confusion as to why it ever came to be. Perhaps it is the turn of the kiwi fruit this year and I won’t be sad if the pineapple fazes out. I shall be watching with interest. Happy New Year to you. It’s gonna be a good one coz as Kath (of Kath n Kim fame) says – “I can feel it in my waters”. 🙂 [p.s. cld u pls delete my first comment – settings were set at my old blog – oops!]

  3. Damnit I just bought jam jars!!! I am ALWAYS late to the party on all trendy trends. A prediction of my own for you – AusPol will make my head literally explode. It will be incredibly messy and a bit traumatic for those who witness it.

  4. I’m the same with trends. As soon as I catch on to it… it’s over. One exception was the statement necklace. Are they still in? Why am I asking you? Haha. As for Malcolm… he has a sexy voice. I think that’s what it is. The others all sound like bogans. Looking forward to more of your entertaining ‘subjective opinions’ Mumabs x

  5. I think you’ll be pretty spot on with these predictions. I also predict that the government will release more soundbites for us to be outraged over while they slip worse changes under the radar.

  6. Ha ha Give the Kiwi fruit ago!! Funny #imustconfess

  7. Benedict Cumberbatch’s Oscar prospects dive as Mumabs anoints Redmayne this year’s crumpet. Punters, please note.

    • Its a tough race. I could do a whole blog post on it. Benedict Crumpetbatch as Alan Turning plays an individual 1) changed the course of WW2, 2) built the foundations of computer science 3) was gay and 4) was reportedly on the autism spectrum. If that is not Oscar bait I dont know what is. But Benedict Crumpetbatch retains his “not conventionally handsome but damn there’s just something about him” sex appeal for the entire film. Eddie Redmayne an absurdly good looking Burberry model must do a convincing job of being a wheel chair bound physicist (albeit one with a hawt wife). It probably all moot because who can resist Steve Carrel playing against type. Everybody loves Steve Carrel. Even I love Steve Carrel.

  8. Thank you for the giggles and smiles first thing this morning.

  9. Good for a Monday-back-at-work laugh-thanks!

  10. LOL @ George RR Martin fans worried that he is going to die before finishing the damn series. *puts hand up sheepishly*

  11. No idea what you’re talking about as I’m still stuck in 1975 with my Carpenters albums. Are you saying there will be no hover boards? Anyway, happy new year Mumabs!

  12. I think 2015 might be the year of the watermelon unfortunately, that shit is everywhere. Kiwifruit is probably too left of field to become main stream even though I love it.

  13. I agree with ALL political and war-type predictions. I predict that I opt to read TGOT series instead of watch it on TV because I need to drink less and you can watch TV with a vodka but it’s hard to read when you’re tiddly! I also predict that due to lack of midweek drinking I’ll get decidedly more boring than I already am! Here’s to 2015 lovely x

  14. Tony unpopular and Bill Shorten doing nothing? Well *there’s* a turn up for the books! #notreally
    Love your predictions x

  15. I found the similarities between Lambie and the brick quite amusing. All the best for 2015 too x

  16. Absolutely hilarious. Happy New Year!

  17. Love this!!! Though I have heard on the grapevine that Michael Keaton is likely to win the Best Actor Oscar for Birdman so it shall be an interesting race 🙂

  18. What?! No more pineapple clothes!
    Happy New Year

  19. Oh I thoought this was going to be all doom and gloom but it picked up in the end. Thank goodness there is hope for 2015 yet. And yes, GofT all the way!!!

  20. God that was so depressing until we got to GoT. Then everything started to look up:) #TeamIBOT

  21. I love your predictions Mumabs – no doubt they will come true as the year wears on. But no predictions for the Fass???

  22. My crystal ball is too murky for fabulous predictions, but as long as I get Game Of Thrones, all good. xx Nikki @ Wonderfully Women

  23. Love this. And I keep asking but n one will answer me- why the hell did the pineapple Become such a thing? My daughter wanted some in her room and I insisted on leaving it in the store lol. I don’t get it. Suggesting disco balls for a new trend!!

  24. I think Kate Winslet said it best, when she starred in Ricky Gervais’s “Extras”: “You’re guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental”.

  25. Oh good grief. No more Kochie gaffes! I can’t take any more!
    I see big things for Karl, myself. Breakfast TV anchors should all be feminists, IMO 😉
    GoT has an actual potential for breaking the internet, unlike Kim K and her bum. Can’t wait!

  26. Your clairvoyance seems pretty spot on. I have never heard Eddie Redmayne, but I am living a bit of a sheltered life at the moment, and it sounds like I will be hearing more soon.
    My only foray into the world of the pineapple was a pair of undies, hence I will still be wearing them long after the kiwi or the custard apple has usurped it! Winning 🙂
    I predict that our federal government will further destroy our environment this year and that my left leaning heart will wither a little more every day, or I will stop reading the news.

  27. Ha, love it. i especially like number 10, which is why i am usually totally uninformed as it just frustrates me.

  28. I can’t wait to see Foxcatcher and Theory of Everything. Eddie Redmayne is so hot. I predict he’s going to win the Oscar. But I won’t be sad if it goes to Steve.

  29. Please don’t tell my three-year old the pineapple has had it’s day. She has a plastic one called Johnny that is her “best friend”. My prediction is that my pineapple dependent child will will be requiring much therapy sometime soon.

  30. I think the Kiwi Fruit is at least, if not more interesting than the pineapple. I never understood why that was a thing. Laughed out loud at your predictions re Tony Abbot and Bill Shorten. So true.

  31. We have an election to look forward to in Queensland shortly, which means more bricks in more roads. Frankly, the kiwi fruit is not only more interesting than the pineapple, but more interesting than most of our politicians. Still, with boredom comes (relative) peace I suppose. God bless ‘straya.

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