What Won’t Happen in 2015


Many bloggers have posted lists of their goals for 2015. They do so to hold themselves accountable to the interwebs. As you know, I am not most bloggers. Rather I am a wimp terrified of  public humiliation. So rather than broadcast a a wish list of things I may but probably won’t  achieve, I have decided to tell you about the the things that aren’t on the cards. You can be 100% sure that I will stick to my word on these.

1) I won’t be going to see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. As far as sadistic sex goes Game of Thrones has set the bar pretty high. I doubt there’s much in FSOG that would shock me besides the gawd awful dialogue.  The idea of watching one couple go at it hammer and tongs for two hours doesn’t excite me. Its too much like marriage (where 10 years of marital sex has been condensed).  Besides the movie has a very low hunk to screen time ratio and the lead crumpet is to my way of thinking quite generic and dull. It makes more sense to expend my rare movie date night on the upcoming Avengers film as it features a veritable smorgasbord of beefcake. Meanwhile when will Hollywood make a Vikings movie?

No he won't!

No he won’t!

2) Lose 5kg. I want to but I’m a realist. Heck I should be exercising now but I’m sitting on my lily white ass wasting time writing this blog.

3) Follow the blogging rules. “Have a niche” they say, “provide useful content”, “write what people want to read” yada, yada yada. This is my anarchic piece of the internet. I will continue to write whatever I feel like even if I’ll never its not typical Mummy blogging fare, particularly useful or even of interest to anyone else . I doubt my sass will translate into popularity but as Shakespeare says “to thyself be true”.

Historical records show that Shakespeare looked nothing like Joseph Fiennes.

Historical records show that Shakespeare looked nothing like Joseph Fiennes.

4) Judge the parenting of others. To judge others implies a degree of concern that I simply don’t have. As long as your children and neither abused or neglected I’m too preoccupied managing my own parenting to worry about yours.

5) Appear on Wife Swap. As per point #4 I am just not the type of person to go into someone’s household and tell them what to do. I have enough controlling Chez Abs. More to the point why would I risk giving another woman a taste of Dadabs? They might not want to go back to their own husband.

6) Appear on Real Housewives:  I think that I’d be an excellent candidate if it weren’t for two small points ie: I still have my own (small but perky) breasts. In reality TV land this translates as having no salable assets, no personality and no sense of humor. Combined with my notable lack of botox, I’m a non starter regardless of how many sequins I wear.

Not much about the housewives remains real.

Not much about the housewives remains real.

7) Quit the gym: Despite the fact we’ve established that I wont be losing five kilos, I doubt I’ll get my act together to stop my fortnightly donations to the gym. After all someone has to invest in the eye candy of the future.

8) Quit sugar, alcohol, gluten or caffeine:  As my motto goes I’m middle aged, married with kids but not dead yet. Sometimes these four items are the only thinbgs keeping my pulse pulsating. Besides quitting sugar has not made Sarah Wilson any more interesting.

9) Eat Paleo:  I’m probably missing something here but I haven’t grasped why people think it is a good idea to eat like a cave dweller. If you got through childhood the life expectancy of paleolithic humans was 54 years. I’m gunning for 85 at least. I’ll stick with a sensible diet and Western medicine.

What a lame excuse to post   Nicholas Boshier from Soul Mates.

What a lame excuse to post
Nicholas Boshier from Soul Mates.

10) Take a belfie:  Today’s wide angle lenses are simply not wide enough for the job. It would take Ken Duncan – a photographer known for his sweeping panoramic landscapes to do mine justice.

11) Vote for Tony Abbott: There’s a no brainer. I won’t be voting for Tony Abbott in 2015 because the federal election probably won’t happen until the end of 2016. (unless the Canberra gang go and do something really, really, really dumb like a double dissolution). Believe me – I can wait. Much to y great relief I won’t have to vote for Bill Shorten, Clive Palmer, Jacqui Lambie or the The Greens in 2015 either.

12) Have word for the year: Some people are attempting to encapsulate the essence of what they want from the next twelve months into a single word. Its always something quite high minded like “freedom”, “calm” or “integrity”. I’d like my word for 2015 to be “crumpet” but that in no way differentiates the current year from any other year since I first laid eyes on Duran Duran’s John Taylor in 1984. I think I’ll just skip the word -year association thing altogether.

What won’t you be doing in 2015?




27 thoughts on “What Won’t Happen in 2015

  1. “After all someone has to invest in the eye candy of the future.” BAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! And LOLing hard at your lack of word for the year. Every time I see one of these I can’t bring myself to get inspired about this year, like I was last year. My word for 2015 is “sarcastic”.

  2. Love your world. I won’t, a. join the gym. b. quite booze it’s my sanity saver or c. stop reading this funny and crumpet packed blog! x

  3. “hasn’t made her any more interesting”. You make me laugh Mumabs! Thanks x

  4. I had a vision of you mounted on your lily-white donkey then realised you were talking about your (I’m sure it must be beautiful) arse.

  5. Only you could have ‘crumpet’ as your word for the year 🙂 I just saw a girl I haven’t seen for two months who has been on the Paleo diet. She lost stacks of weight and is glowing. She looks completely different. I can’t give up sugar and alcohol unfortunately so I can’t do it.

  6. Haha!! I am with you on some of these!!
    I won’t be voting LNP! I won’t be following typical blogging rules either (I spew about whatever floats my boat with the occasional travel and fashion tip post thrown in for good measure) and I won’t be appearing on The Bachelor!!!
    Good luck not achieving these things!

  7. Pretty much all of the above, but I don’t pay for a gym, so I’m not even donating….

  8. I’m with you on all but number 7 because I don’t do gym. I don’t have a niche, I don’t have a word, I don’t have a paleo diet and I don’t even know what a belfie is! Take that, 2015!

  9. I love this … and I don’t have a word for the year either. But if I did, maybe I’d go with ‘chocolate’ because there’s no way I’m giving up sugar, ever!

  10. Well I’ll be not doing all of those things for all the same reasons, except the gym membership. I gave way too much last year and after a few lame attendances, finally cut them off. I’m sure they’re missing me terribly.
    And any excuse is a good excuse to pop in a picture of Soul Mates. And Joseph Fiennes.
    p.s. my word for 2015 is “arsehat”

  11. I’ll stick with having the s&m if needed.

  12. Love this post!!! Made me laugh! I certainly won’t be doing a lot of these things too! Especially not appearing on Wife Swap !

  13. Yep I’m with you on the wife swap…actually pretty much everything on the list! Love your post!

  14. Ha – I love you take on this. I refuse to set any health sort of goals because as soon as i do, I know that I will be disappointed.

  15. Oh this is so hilarious. Thank you! Sugar, caffeine and booze are here to stay also. Heck ive lost 2 kg since November and Ive had a drink every night since Xmas…I will NOT be breastfeeding a baby soon and I will defineltely NOT be pregnant. 3 bubs in 4 yrs..Its my year to drink baby!!

  16. Oh yes, I can relate to almost all of those. Well except those relating to kids and husbands (cos I have neither), but as for the others… yep!!!

  17. Jamie Dornan so doesnt do it for me, but I will go and see the movie purely because… I dont know why. Cause I am a sucker for hype?

  18. Very entertaining, love your humour:)

  19. Except for the word thing*, we are having identical years.

    * Mine is ‘complete’, just in case you are interested…


  20. ditto.

    And try not to kill anyone. But that is on my list every year. And muttered under my breath every morning.

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