Honest Obituaries

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If Colleen McCullough’s woeful obituary in The Australian (Murdoch – of course) hasn’t broken the internet this week, its at least bent it over and given it a good spanking. Everyone with a social media profile has weighed in. Naturally I’m going to add my little bit to the pile. That McCullough’s “plain” and “overweight” appearance was noted before any of her considerable achievements was simply rude and disrespectful.

So the woman didn’t look like Miranda Kerr. Not many of us do. Nor can many of us be a respected neuroscientist at Yale as well as a best selling author but Colleen McCullough nailed both.

When Miranda Kerr eventually sashays off to the Victoria’s Secret runway in the sky her  her obituary will be probably gush about her extraordinary beauty. Imagine the uproar if her send off went something like this –

“Reportedly not the sharpest tool in the shed, Miranda Kerr won the genetic lottery and was freakishly beautiful of face and figure. Her uncommon good looks enabled her to amass a personal fortune of $35m through her various modelling contracts and line of skin care products. After separating from her husband, Hollywood actor and smokin’ hawt crumpet Orlando Bloom, she was romantically linked to billionaires such as James Packer and Steve Bing. In a career highlight, her raunchy photo spread in British GQ was artfully lampooned by the Bondi Hipsters.”

Sent up by the Bondi Hipsters the best career accolade this side of Weird Al.

Sent up by the Bondi Hipsters – the best accolade this side of Weird Al.

I need to clarify that I don’t actually believe that Miranda Kerr is stupid. Beautiful or not, an individual needs a certain amount acumen to build a massively successful brand. I’m doing this to show what things would look like if brains and achievement were valued as much as physical appearances.

Similarly what if men were judged primarily by their looks? The obituaries page of The Age might read something like this in the not too distant future.

Let start with Miranda’s rumored beau James Packer.

James Packer

This overweight Cranbrook boy inherited a seven billion dollar fortune from his father media mogul Kerry Packer. Sadly, he also inherited his father’s unappealing reptilian features and tubby body. An academic underachiever, James Packer did not have the marks to go to university so he readied himself for the business world with a stint as a jackaroo Heck – even his contemporary Lachlan Murdoch is a crumpet with an Arts degree from Princeton.

Being a billionaire he attracted a string of buxom beauties. He had two marriages – both to super models – Jodhi Meares and Erica Baxter.  Sadly his glamorous wives did not stick around despite the absurdly opulent lifestyle. Perhaps it had something to do with his involvement in Scientology?

Though at a cursory glance he seamed like a non-entity, James must have done something right or least surrounded himself with good people. He managed to maintain the value of his inheritance through the GFC. His decision to divest his media assets and build a casino empire was astute (though morally questionable). However he will best be remembered for his rumored dalliance with super model Miranda Kerr. The question on everyone’s lips being -‘ how could she shag that after being with Orlando Bloom? Orlando Bloom is some A grade crumpet.’

To his credit James Packer lost the weight.

To his credit James Packer went from flab to fab.

 

 Kyle Sandilands

He wasn’t known as “vile Kyle” for nothing. As a young man he was average of feature. The years however were not kind and he became obese and utterly repugnant. Ironically he lambasted the much loved comedian Magda Subanski over her weight. That Kyle Sandilands’ radio show was a consistent ratings winner speaks volumes about the intelligence of the Australian population. (Note not in a good way).

Kyle was a masterful shock jock, expert at garnering public attention by utterances as mean spirited as they were inane.  Nevertheless despite only having a talent for revulsion, Kyle was a judge on Australian’s Got Talent and the X-Factor – again a sad indictment upon middle Australia. It was little wonder that his first wife, pop starlet wannabe Tamara Jaber, dumped his ever expanding arse. His partnership with 22 year old model Imogen Anthony made the Australian public gag. It was almost as nauseating as Dr Geoffrey Edelston and his string of child paramours.

 

Guess which one's the millionaire? Hint: its not the hawt chick.

Guess which one’s the millionaire? Hint: its not the hawt chick.

Tony Abbott

Tony Abbott was a wing nut to rival Prince Charles. The man’s ears were infeasibly large. Despite much evidence to the contrary ( labelling climate science “crap” and removing the carbon tax) Tony Abbott did much to fight global warming. His ears were so big they blocked out the sun.  It is a little known fact that telecommunications experts considered installing him on the roof of Parliament House to ensure flawless FoxTel reception. A human double satellite dish as it were.

Tony Abbott had three very attractive daughters. The public wondered how it could be genetically possible and suspected intervention by the milk man.

Of course Tony Abbott’s life can not be celebrated without paying homage to the banana hammocks he wore with pride.  He was an ambassador for the iconic Aussie swimwear brand Speedo, whether they liked it or not. Even though Tony Abbott was a wing nut in budgie smugglers he rose to the rank of  Prime Minister  – for a while at least.

The low hanging fruit.

The low hanging fruit.

 Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe was born in New Zealand in 1964. Australia is thus absolved of all responsibility.

But you are allowed to fancy Russell in Master and Commander. Love how I sneaked a photo of Paul Bettany in there. Paul Bettany is some underrated crumpet.

But you are allowed to fancy Russell in Master and Commander. Love how I sneaked a photo of Paul Bettany in there. Paul Bettany is some underrated crumpet.

Bob Hawke

Museum curators are calling for Bob Hawke’s preserved carcass to be put on public display. It seems a fitting tribute to a man who was permanently pickled during his life.

 

Bob Hawke's body to be preserved in alcohol. Easiest job taxidermists have ever done.

Bob Hawke’s body to be preserved in alcohol. Easiest job taxidermists have ever done.

So many great Australians who aren’t dead yet and so little time.

Who would you like to see an honest obituary for? How would your own read?

Love

Mumabulous

24 thoughts on “Honest Obituaries

  1. What an awesome post… Good to have a laugh on Monday. Not sure what mine would say but maybe along the lines of “was never short of a word, a wine and a new way to diet .

  2. Nailed it again B. Kyle really has let himself go hasn’t he, ugh. But full creds to Packer for getting back in shape. I love Russ but that’s because I know lots of his secrets because my sister spent 7 days on his superyacht with him!

  3. I can’t believe you went there. And there. And there…. Freaking GOLD.

  4. Mine would say: It’s hard to know what to say about Ness. Which is fitting, as she spent her whole life never knowing what to say. Her entire life, personality and achievements were so unremarkable and bland that it’s likely her family haven’t even noticed she has shuffled off to the great beyond. Her request for Carpenters to be played at her send off shows her abysmal taste in music. She was clearly a woman who channeled her inner Nanna early in life and was just filling in time waiting to die. RIP.

    Love all of your honest obituaries. Thanks for the giggles. xo

  5. I love Tony’s best. Freaking hilarious. Being a visual person makes you funnier when I can picture him rotating slowly as the Dish, but makes you cruel and disturbing when the bananas and low having fruit come into the picture. Ugh.

  6. Mumabs, I love you. This is perfect. When will we start to value other things besides physical appearance and sporting talent. Kudos to those who won the lottery in the looks stakes and to those who train hard and were born with athletic genes but we need to weigh it up properly.

  7. Omg funny. Love the ending for tony. Xx

  8. This is fabulous! Vile Kyle indeed, and he’s in good company here, absolutely love it- a point well made!

  9. I definitely need to use the word crumpet outside of breakfast time.
    Lately I’m finding the only way to avoid getting extremely angry at sexism is to turn it around, like you just did. Well done!

  10. Awesome! LOL Vile Kyle – couldn’t agree more! Ugh! As a fan of Colleen McCullough’s writing and books – I was appalled at that obituary!

  11. Your wit is astounding and un-recognised.
    I would be hopeless.
    I was disgusted by Colleen McCullough’s obituary too.

  12. You went there. Ha – I’m glad you did, very entertaining.

  13. Brilliant writing as per usual. Love your work!

  14. My obituary would probably have something along the lines of ‘she wasn’t bad looking, but her propensity to cut her own hair on a semi regular basis did not help her at all.’
    And I never considered that Tony’s ears were keeping us all safer.

  15. Love this post. You are so clever. Kyle and Packer in particular are so gross as individuals and the bloated Kyle is the worst. But at the end of the day, as in death, it would be nice if people erred on the side of kindness and particularly acknowledged world-bettering and charitable achievements above anything else.

  16. Love it! Never heard of the phrase banana hammocks before!

  17. Too funny! Loved them all. I think I cracked up the most at Russell Crowe. Short and sweet and extremely funny! 😀

  18. Russell Crowe! Very funny! Meanwhile I am still not over that Colleen McCulloch obit 😦

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