There’s some conjecture as to when middle aged actually kicks in these days. Forty is the new thirty and sixty is the new forty yada, yada, yada. I’m not greatly concerned by these arbitrary boundaries. To me middle age is a state of mind, one in which I have been proudly ensconced for quite a while. Having said that there are occasions when middle age has every thing to do with ones actual age. Like for example when my gorgeous teenage niece didn’t know who Alanis Morissette was. I consider Alanis to be well after my hey day. It wasn’t ironic. I just felt really, really old.
Here is a list of signs 31 signs that you are middle aged in mind, body and attitude.
1) Pinot biatches! – Noir, gris or grigio it matters not.
2) This is not an unflattering garment. It’s sun smart. Nigella doesn’t keep her perfect peaches and cream complexion solely through botox and hoovering up cocaine you know.
3) Meanwhile this is your husband’s sun hat. You can’t believe that your interior designer friend thinks its a bad look and calls your husband a dag.
4) You prefer your shoes built for comfort than for speed. Exhibit A – the Loafer.
Exhibit B – the classic Ballet Flat.
But your husband still thinks you have a closet full of impractical foot wear.
5) Your primary school aged kids are into Adventure Time. More like pass the bong time. Seriously is watching this stuff the slippery slope to drug use? Don’t get me started on The Regular Show. Perhaps these shows circumvent the need for drugs – who needs them when you’ve got Jake and Finn to blow your mind?
6) Lingerie? What’s the point? Who wants lacey floss up their butt all day? Especially when for a few dollars comfort can be purchased from Best & Less.
7) Kaftans on the other hand.. you can’t have too many kaftans.
8) You quite enjoy your weekly sojourn in Colesworths because 1) its quality me time and 2) the music is really on point. When you’re in the frozens aisle and they play Hall and Oates ‘Maneater’ there’s a little more spring in your step and grunt to your trolley pushing. “Boy here she comes. Watch out boy she’ll chew you up. Boy here she comes. She’s a maneater.”
9) When it comes to sunglasses either go big or go home and too much bling is never enough.
10) These are the ultimate pants. They combine the glamour of leopard skin print and black lace with the comfort of an elasticized waste band. Every one’s a winner baby. (Also a favorite Colesworths hit)
11) You find yourself on the Hugzilla blog involved in a discussion regarding the relative merits of the One Directioners. You write something like “Have Harry Styles washed and sent to my tent”. You then feel filthy in a way that no amount of showering will remove because THAT’S DISGUSTING. You are old enough to be Harry’s mother. Prince Harry by contrast is fair game because he is 30 and you are only old enough to be his MILF.
12) Meanwhile did you hear the rumor that Prince Harry is dating Emma Watson? Who’s that again? You get your Emma Watsons, Emma Stones, Emma Roberts and Emily Blunts mixed up.
13) However there’s no confusing a Tom Hiddleston for a Tom Hardy. You are well studied in that matter.
14) You only listen to talk back radio. The divine Richard Fidler is on your ideal dinner party guest list. There is one mentally stimulating man.
15) You only watch the ABC, SBS and selected HBO dramas purchased through Google Play or Apple iTunes (whichever is cheaper).
16) You are post status. You can afford designer labels but choose not to go there. To you, spending USD 2,195 on a Burberry bag demonstrates a person’s stupidity rather than their station in life. That said you are kind of crushing on the this green trench coat at a mere USD 8,195.
17) A flow chart of your husband’s tax affairs looks like this.
18) Talking about Blue Poles, you can remember your parents’ outrage when Gough Whitlam approved its purchase for $1.3m by the National Gallery. It’s valued at over $20m now. The art world is insane.
19) At one time you could never have imagined that George Michael was anything but straight.
20) Whatever happened to Andrew McCarthy? He was meant to be the next big thing.
21) You wonder why people get nostalgic for the 1990s. It’s hardly retro, it wasn’t that long ago. Wait a minute….
22) There are clothes in your wardrobe that date back to last century.
23) There was a time when you danced along to the Village People’s You Can’t Stop The Music blissfully ignorant of the subtext. You had no idea why its fun to stay at the YMCA and thought Milkshake really was about a tasty dairy treat.
24) Robert Smith – the original emo.
25) The fall of the Aussie dollar the most exciting thing that happened last year.
26) You give a crap about dividend franking and an even bigger crap about capital gains.
27) Reports that Gwyneth Paltrow wears spanx fill you with delight and this has eased your troubled mind ALOT.
28) Your husband gave you Photoshop for your birthday. You love it more than all the Tiffany boxes in the world.
29) But you’d still love a Tiffany box.
30) Hawt Damn. Are the cricket players getting hawter?
31) You are not and atheist. DAVID BOWIE IS GOD.
Are you nodding along with these? You’re middle aged baby. Do you have anything to add to the list?