You know you are middle aged when…


There’s some conjecture as to when middle aged actually kicks in these days. Forty is the new thirty and sixty is the new forty yada, yada, yada. I’m not greatly concerned by these arbitrary boundaries. To me middle age is a state of mind, one in which I have been proudly ensconced for quite a while. Having said that there are occasions when middle age has every thing to do with ones actual age. Like for example when my gorgeous teenage niece didn’t know who Alanis Morissette was.  I consider Alanis to be well after my hey day. It wasn’t ironic. I just felt really, really old.

Here is a list of signs 31 signs that you are middle aged in mind, body and attitude.

1) Pinot biatches! – Noir, gris or grigio it matters not.

2) This is not an unflattering garment. It’s sun smart. Nigella doesn’t keep her perfect peaches and cream complexion solely through botox and hoovering up cocaine you know.

This keeps wrinkles at bay

This keeps wrinkles at bay

3) Meanwhile this is your husband’s sun hat. You can’t believe that your interior designer friend thinks its a bad look and calls your husband a dag.

Middle aged crumpets be sun smart.

Middle aged crumpets be sun smart.

4) You prefer your shoes built for comfort than for speed. Exhibit A – the Loafer.

The gold detail gives them a touch of pizazz.

The gold detail gives them a touch of pizazz.

Exhibit B – the classic Ballet Flat.

The snake skin detailing is too subtle doncha think?

The snake skin detailing is too subtle doncha think?

But your husband still thinks you have a closet full of impractical foot wear.

5) Your primary school aged kids are into Adventure Time. More like pass the bong time. Seriously is watching this stuff the slippery slope to drug use? Don’t get me started on The Regular Show. Perhaps these shows circumvent the need for drugs – who needs them when you’ve got Jake and Finn to blow your mind?

Does watching Adventure Time lead to drug use?

Does watching Adventure Time lead to drug use?

6) Lingerie? What’s the point? Who wants lacey floss up their butt all day? Especially when for a few dollars comfort can be purchased from Best & Less.

7) Kaftans on the other hand.. you can’t have too many kaftans.

8) You quite enjoy your weekly sojourn in Colesworths because 1) its quality me time and 2) the music is really on point. When you’re in the frozens aisle and they play Hall and Oates ‘Maneater’ there’s a little more spring in your step and grunt to your trolley pushing. “Boy here she comes. Watch out boy she’ll chew you up. Boy here she comes. She’s a maneater.”

9) When it comes to sunglasses either go big or go home and too much bling is never enough.

10) These are the ultimate pants. They combine the glamour of leopard skin print and black lace with the comfort of an elasticized waste band. Every one’s a winner baby. (Also a favorite Colesworths hit)

I've got my cougar pants

I’ve got my cougar pants

11) You find yourself on the Hugzilla blog involved in a discussion regarding the relative merits of the One Directioners. You write something like “Have Harry Styles washed and sent to my tent”. You then feel filthy in a way that no amount of showering will remove because THAT’S DISGUSTING. You are old enough to be Harry’s mother. Prince Harry by contrast is fair game because he is 30 and you are only old enough to be his MILF.

This is off limits you dirty old perve.

This is off limits you dirty old perve!

12) Meanwhile did you hear the rumor that Prince Harry is dating Emma Watson? Who’s that again? You get your Emma Watsons, Emma Stones, Emma Roberts and Emily Blunts mixed up.

13) However there’s no confusing a Tom Hiddleston for a Tom Hardy. You are well studied in that matter.

14) You only listen to talk back radio. The divine Richard Fidler is on your ideal dinner party guest list. There is one mentally stimulating man.

15) You only watch the ABC, SBS and selected HBO dramas purchased through Google Play or Apple iTunes (whichever is cheaper).

16) You are post status. You can afford designer labels but choose not to go there. To you, spending USD 2,195 on a Burberry bag demonstrates a person’s stupidity rather than their station in life. That said you are kind of crushing on the this green trench coat at a mere USD 8,195.

I want, I want, I want.

I want, I want, I want.

17) A flow chart of your husband’s tax affairs looks like this.

A controversy to match the Prince Phillip knighthood.

A controversy to match the Prince Phillip knighthood.

18) Talking about Blue Poles, you can remember your parents’ outrage when Gough Whitlam approved its purchase for $1.3m by the National Gallery. It’s valued at over $20m now. The art world is insane.

19) At one time you could never have imagined that George Michael was anything but straight.

Of course George was straight and he was so going to marry you.

Of course George was straight and he was so going to marry you. BTW: Andrew is straight and is married to one of the Bananaramas. Can you imagine anything more 80s?

20) Whatever happened to Andrew McCarthy? He was meant to be the next big thing.

RDJs still here.Where's Andrew?

RDJ is still here.Where’s Andrew?

21) You wonder why people get nostalgic for the 1990s. It’s hardly retro, it wasn’t that long ago. Wait a minute….

22) There are clothes in your wardrobe that date back to last century.

I celebrated my 30th in this. (back in the dark ages)

I celebrated my 30th in this. (back in the dark ages)

23) There was a time when you danced along to the Village People’s You Can’t Stop The Music blissfully ignorant of the subtext. You had no idea why its fun to stay at the YMCA and thought Milkshake really was about a tasty dairy treat.

Do the milkshake? For the love of good hygiene NO!

Do the milkshake? For the love of good hygiene NO!

24) Robert Smith – the original emo.

Some might say the original emo was Lord Byron. Nuh-uh!

Some might say the original emo was Lord Byron. Nuh-uh!

25) The fall of the Aussie dollar the most exciting thing that happened last year.

26) You give a crap about dividend franking and an even bigger crap about capital gains.

27)  Reports that Gwyneth Paltrow wears spanx fill you with delight and this has eased your troubled mind ALOT.

That gust you feel is a million middle aged women sighing in relief.

That gust you feel is a million middle aged women sighing in relief.

28) Your husband gave you Photoshop for your birthday. You love it more than all the Tiffany boxes in the world.

29) But you’d still love a Tiffany box.

30) Hawt Damn. Are the cricket players getting hawter?

31)  You are not and atheist. DAVID BOWIE IS GOD.

Are you nodding along with these? You’re middle aged baby. Do you have anything to add to the list?








52 thoughts on “You know you are middle aged when…

  1. David Bowie is the God of Rock and Roll, dead set. See, only a middle aged dag would say dead set. I could have painted Blue Poles blindfolded with my toes you know. Actually I’m beyond middle aged. I’m just fudging aged.

  2. What did happen to Andrew McCarthy?

  3. LOL…. love the cougar pants!

  4. Haha, enjoyed this list big-time…far out!

  5. I was in denial about being middle aged but yes as I nodded to all of these I guess I am! Also just pulled a dress out of my wardrobe from the 90’s as well, think it will fit me? “As if”

  6. This made me excited to become middle aged one day!!! Looks fun and I want to wear cougar pants

  7. Pingback: Where did the easy years go? | housegoeshome

  8. I realize I’m reaching middle age. Bearhands and I only watch the ABC news and I actively participate in conversations about stain removal!

  9. Oh god, I can barely look. I think I’m post-post status, so I guess I embrace the surrealism of fashion. Dali is my Burberry trench. I don’t know whether I am in the middle or just completely fucked up, but I just do my own thing, assuming it’s never been my business what other people think of me. Or something like that. And George Michael is GAY? Whaaaaa? x

  10. Yes, I identify with most of these and I WANT those pants!!!!

  11. haha can totally relate to all of these!!! particularly as I was knee deep in the middle of a One Direction concert two weeks ago!

  12. Funny. I’m not admitting to middle-aged-ness YET! But – shhhhhh – those ballet flats ❤

    Amber. x

  13. Hehe- yep, ! can relate to most of these, and bonus points for the awesome photos (I remember loving that milkshake video- how wrong does it look now!)

  14. EHRMAGEEERDDD!!!! Sign me up for my Seniors Card already. Bahahahhahaahah! Much, much too funny!

  15. I have no cougar pants! None! I’m not quite there yet but David Bowie has been the closest thing to god this shriveled, atheist heart has knownfor many years now!

  16. Ok well then I was nodding along to everything. Thanks for trip down memory lane!! OMG I am so thrilled by that unphotoshopped pic of Cindy. I am so sick of celebrities that grow older (like me!) but never changing. Alwys remaining taut, unlined and beautiful. Cindy is flawed – I love her more now! Woot! 😉

  17. I didn’t think I was middle aged but after reading your list and agreeing with almost every one I realise I am definitely middle aged!

  18. Gold ! giggles – I’m an 70’s -80’s child too. Grigio or Sauv Blanc for me.

  19. Don’t hate me because I reckon I’m technically a few years off middle-age! Thanks for the laugh and yes to not spending redick money on a handbag

  20. That list gave me the giggles as well as the shopping at Colesworths bit and the comfy undies…still a bit to go ’till middle age though.

  21. I’ve always loved ballet flats. That either means a) I’ve always been middle aged. Or b) I’m a timeless classic.

  22. 21!!! (though I hope I’m not middle aged just yet!)

  23. I love you. God you make me laugh. I reckon I’m about 50/50 with this. I hate lingerie and I love the tunes they pump out at Coles, but I do know my Emma’s and don’t know my Andrew McCarthy’s. As for talkback radio. Not for a few years thanks 🙂

  24. Yeah, I’m like Renee – maybe 50/50 (or maybe I little higher than that). I *do* remember my step-father going off about blue poles, but I think that must have been later on, cause Malcolm F is the first PM I actually remember. I think it was an ongoing argument in my family! 🙂

    But are you seriously telling me that Milkshake is *not* just about a tastey dairy treat? And what exactly are you saying about those other Village People songs? I think I might be shocked! 😉

    I know neither my Emmas nor my Toms, but I do know Andrew McCarthy.

    But most of all, it is the fact that when camping for an extended period last year, I had to buy a top quality camping mat and it was *still* so uncomfortable… that tells me things are a-changing!

  25. Tick, tick, tick, tick, and tick. Damn – I must be middle-aged!! How did that happen? Well yes I DO have some clothing that dates back to last century. In fact my daughter wears a hippie skirt of mine that dates back to the early 1980’s. She thinks it’s cool so that makes me a cool middle aged person no? 😉

  26. I bought two kaftans this summer. To wear with my new ballet flats. Underneath I have my Target undies…cotton and comfortable. I think I just bought a ticket to middle age.

  27. Shit. I’ve been middle aged since my teens….

  28. OMG does that mean I have to finally admit it… Is George Michael gay? Pinot is so much nicer. Talk back is my best friend. And as for the Village people – I still have their record album…

  29. I SO have clothes in my wardrobe from last century. And I’m proud to say that some of them still fit!

  30. Classic , I was in Coles singing Cher “if I could turn back time’ only this evening.. I refuse to have The Regular Show on… they are total mong heads!!

  31. Too funny, I was belting out Alison Moyet’s ‘All Cried Out’ in Coles this very afternoon. And while I thought I was very cluey figuring out what YMCA was all about, somehow the true meaning of Milkshake has alluded me until today. My innocence is gone.

  32. You had me at the Pinot biatch! Those leopard undies do look ab fab (that was a long time ago too).

  33. Ha ha, right there with you in middle age! And similarly conflicted about my feelings for Harry Styles…

  34. I know!! I sat up watching St Elmo’s Fire and not judging it for it’s clothes, stereotypes and uber-drama…but neither could I remember the story from viewing it in the 80’s. Andrew McCarthy became a Travel Writer – a good one. True Story!

  35. Nodding so furiously here! And i was seriously going to marry George Michael.

  36. I saw Andrew McCarthy along with the other brat packers in St Elmos Fire the other night. I am in total denial at how long ago that movie came out, and can remember how cool it was to be seen hanging out in the local video shop, borrowing the latest VHS release. Oh the boys, the boys. If only I had my time in the video shop again.

  37. What concerns me is that I’m in my early thirties and much of this resonates with me…. So basically I am already middle aged. What happens when I actually AM middle aged?

  38. I’d say older but not old! I loved your gorgeous cougar pants! “Meanwhile did you hear the rumor that Prince Harry is dating Emma Watson? Who’s that again? You get your Emma Watsons, Emma Stones, Emma Roberts and Emily Blunts mixed up.” Could totally relate.

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