Jobs for Cougars


You’ve got to hand it to Joe Hockey and his crack team of speech writers. They have an extraordinary knack for taking vitally important topics and canvassing them in a way that pisses off the maximum number of voters.  It’s like they have a reverse Midas touch.

Except when Joe touches it, it turns brown.

Except when Joe touches it, it turns brown.

With the recent Inter-generational Report, Joe once again managed to ostracize swathes of the population with his call to arms to get mature Australians and women back into the workforce.

 The trend is continuing, but this is the grey army that is going to deliver prosperity in Australia’s future and we need older Australians – we want older Australians if they choose to do so, to remain in the workforce and to come back into the workforce.

Again, the second major army that we have of potential workers is women coming back into the workforce, particularly after having children.

This makes sense if a) the powers that be can help remove the barriers to getting back into work and b) there are enough jobs to go around – which is currently NOT the case.

As an aging woman its a double whammy.  The Mumabs certainly wants to be a lifter not a leaner. I believe that like a fine wine residing in an Eastern beaches cellar I am improving with age. I will have plenty to give to the community (particularly the dirty old lady community) until I am dragged kicking and screaming off this mortal coil.

Here are just a few of the community services I would happily perform into my 80s and beyond.

1) Hollywood casting agent: All I need is a leopard skin couch and the catch cry “Stick with me sweetheart and I will make you a star”.

2) Editor and chief of Smokin’ Hawt Crumpet magazine and its more conservative sister publication Spry Silverfox: This will be the kind of publication that women of a certain age glance at surreptitiously whilst telling their husbands they are reading The New Scientist, the Economist or even The Onion. Both will be chock full of witty bylines like “Phwoarrrrr”, “Errrrrrmaaaaaagawd” and “HONK!”. There is a gap in the market that I can well and truly plug.

Witty bylines in disco font!

Witty bylines in disco font!

3) A brand ambassador: I would start with fashion label Camilla because frankly no one better understands the needs of the cougar market. I mean look at this. If there’s a way to make this ensemble more cougarish I would like to hear about it. Perhaps there should be some sequin work around the hem because ‘more is more.’ Look at the slip of a girl they’ve chosen as a model. She doesn’t look old enough to legally drink. The Mumabs can legally drink and would love to raise the brand’s profile in hip resort bars from Thailand to Byron Bay.

Fashion I would proudly promote.

Fashion I would proudly promote.

Meanwhile who chose Jen Hawkins to represent Mount Franklin mineral water? Ladies – this is cougar water. It should rightly be represented by a cougar. Ideally a cougar who casually throws a Camilla leopard skin print kaftan over her leopard skin print bikini and wafts around hip resort bars from Thailand to Byron Bay. That’s what I call PR!

Mumabs should take on the leopard print bikini for cougar water!

Mumabs should take on the leopard print bikini for cougar water!

4) Chief wine taster for Petersons: From experience this product is fit for public consumption.  However it cant  hurt to install someone who knows what they are doing just to be sure. Its a vital community service.

Someone must ensure that this is fit for public consumption.

Someone must ensure that this is fit for public consumption.

5) Movie critic: Since Margaret Pomeranz and David Stratton exited The Movie Show there’s been not so much a hole in the market but a gaping crevass. The public is crying out for a woman of a certain age to tell them what to watch. I would throw out the star rating system and replace it with a crumpet rating system. A film like The Avengers 2 – Age of Ultron would receive a 5 crumpet rating because it features 5 crumpets.( RDJ, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans). By contrast Bird Man despite winning an Oscar for Best Film, would only receive a one crumpet score – Edward Norton.

The new crumpet rating system

The new crumpet rating system


How about you blog fans?

How are you going to contribute to Australia’s prosperity?



Note: So OK I have been facetious about Joe Hockey but I can sympathize with the position he finds himself in. The country faces a HUGE long term problem with the aging population. There are no pain free solutions. Here’s the choices as I see them.

1) Allow many older people to slip further into poverty.

2) Force older people to sell the family home or enter into reverse mortgage arrangements. Only a lucky few kids will ever get an inheritance.

3) Force older people to remain in the workforce for longer – a very impractical option for some, particularly those with deteriorating health.

4) Increase compulsory employer super contributions which puts a strain on business (especially small business). This is somewhat impractical given the increasing fragmentation of the workforce and the trend towards using contractors.

5) Increase taxation – political suicide.

6) Reduce spending on vital services like health/education/infrastructure and defense to pay for pensions.

7) All of the above.

Sheesh – I am glad I am not the one who has to sort this mess!




19 thoughts on “Jobs for Cougars

  1. I think I’d like to work as your personal assistant, Mumabs. Would you employ me? I’m good for a laugh after a few wines 🙂

  2. Love your new banner or whatever you techies call that thing at the top of your page.

  3. I have ditched my job as a business consultant and am now writing porn1 Hey Joe…livin’ the dream x

  4. Ha ha – i love it – I think I might be a bottle of wine too – improving with age.

  5. I like that you have added that bit at the end. It can’t be an easy thing running a country, and I’m glad I don’t have to do it.
    Also you could pitch that movie rating idea to someone and see it happen I’m sure.

  6. A crumpet rating. Brilliant. Just brilliant. And taxation. Bring it on. This government can’t get any less popular, so just do it already. But stick to taxing those of us who can afford it, please.

  7. I don’t know what the solution is- we could cut the huge amount spent on pollie’s wages and super and expenses, for starters?
    And go with number 2. I’ll come be your inept but charming assistant!

  8. I can see you in gainful employment for a long time to come Mumabs. Seriously I think the government has got to encourage people to save through better tax incentives to contribute to super – I recall they cut back on the incentives but super rules change so frequently I get lost. Allowing some sort of super fund arrangement that gives tax benefits to paying off a mortgage would also help (keep it simple, not complicated like it is now). Sigh.

  9. I’d love any of your suggested cougar jobs! Tell me which one you don’t want and I’ll do it! I’m not at all averse to wearing blingy leopard print kaftans or rating crumpets!

  10. This made me LOL all over the place! I reckon I could be a champagne tester, and a South East Asia resort critic. And I’ll happily help out with the Camilla kaftans. That model whipper snapper is WAY too young and skinny to pull that off.

  11. This is awesome. You’ve just made me wonder what a real live cougar looks like. I can’t believe I don’t know. I’m looking forward to becoming a purple hair dye expert for all my friends who’d like a purple rinse. We don’t see enough of the purple rinse these days, the pension probably doesn’t stretch that far anymore x

  12. Nothing like a good laugh on a Sunday arvo. I love the cougar jobs… wise and wonderful.

  13. Sparkling mineral water is cougar water???! Geez, no wonder I’ve been drinking it by the tank load lately! If you’re still job hunting, I think I have an idea for you. PM me and I’ll get your crumpet to talk to my crumpet for us to have a coffee and chat x

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