According to Diki-pedia* Rectal Cranial Inversion Syndrome (RCIS) is a medical condition whereby an individual’s head becomes lodged (at varying depths) in their rectum. Symptoms include visual impairment resulting from the heads location in the anal cavity. This means the sufferer completely fails to see another persons point of view and/or fails to grasp a logical argument. Often the condition manifests in the victim not realizing that they appear a complete tosser to the world at large.
RCIS has been the scourge of humanity for time immemorial but it has received surprisingly little scholarly attention until now. A large scale international study by a team at the University of Knob End has culminated with the release of a seminal paper. The work titled ‘You too could be suffering RCIS and U2 almost certainly are’ was published to much world wide academic fanfare. The central finding was that 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of people have at some stage of their lives suffered the condition. Infact the only person who has never ever been afflicted with RCIS is Mother Teresa.
The good news is that whilst most people come down with recurring bouts of RCIS, they are able to extract their cranium from the rectum and resume life as decent citizens. Sadly however it was found that approximately 10% of the population have their heads wedged up their butts for most of their lifetimes and a further 5% face the darkness permanently. For the majority of the population RCIS resolves spontaneously but for those more severely afflicted it can be extremely difficult to treat. Exercises designed to give the body greater strength and flexibility such as yoga, pilates and barre appear to exacerbate the condition. Nor has diet proved to be of any assistance. Super foods such as kale, quinoa and goji berries only worsen symptoms.
Whilst it is difficult to count the full economic and social cost of RCIS, it certainly elevates stress levels in the community. There is no shortage of anecdotal evidence about the frustration that RCIS causes. For example my normally even tempered husband’s stress levels went through the roof when an RCIS sufferer parked across our driveway and stayed there all day. He was forced to call the local council – an institution which itself is populated by RCIS sufferers.
The report brought to light the following facts:
- RCIS has a remarkable propensity to strike individuals when they are behind the wheel of a car, waiting at the airport or using the self service checkouts at Colesworths.
- RCIS almost certainly afflicts the person in front of you in the queue for the ATM.
- There is a 95% chance that your ex partner had a severe case.
- Many people believe their in-laws have it.
- There’s a 75% chance that your current boss has it.
- Everyone on the side of politics that you didn’t vote for is terribly afflicted by RCIS.
- You’re beginning to think that the side of politics you did vote for has it too.
- The cop who slapped you with that speeding fine had the worst case of RCIS you have ever experienced.
- RCIS is over represented in certain professions eg: bankers, lawyers, real estate agents etc
- Entire government departments are comprised of RCIS victims eg ATO, Centrelink.
- Facebook has RCIS. We are not talking about Facebook users although RCIS victims are highly concentrated on social media. Facebook, the actual social media platform, has its metaphorical head permanently implanted between its metaphorical buttocks. Facebook is always changing its esoteric algorithms and is purposefully reducing your organic reach. It’s conspiring to make you “pay to publicize.”
RCIS suffers can look like this.
Early adoption of technology is a classic symptom of RCIS. Only two years ago those with the condition could be easily identified by the conspicuous wearing of Google Glass.
These days the Apple Watch is a definite sign.
Is someone in your life afflicted with this insidious condition?
How has RCIS affected you?
* I dont know whether Diki-pedia actually exists. I am too scared to look.
**If there’s a photo of naked men reclining in kale on the interwebs I am the blogger who is going to find it.
*** Meanwhile I love the Bondi Hipsters. I am not sure what that says about me.