Rectal-Cranial Inversion Syndrome

33 Comments

According to Diki-pedia* Rectal Cranial Inversion Syndrome (RCIS) is a medical condition whereby an individual’s head becomes lodged (at varying depths) in their rectum. Symptoms include visual impairment resulting from the heads location in the anal cavity. This means the sufferer completely fails to see another persons point of view and/or fails to grasp a logical argument. Often the condition manifests in the victim not realizing that they appear a complete tosser to the world at large.

RCIS has been the scourge of humanity for time immemorial but it has received surprisingly little scholarly attention until now. A large scale international study by a team at the University of Knob End has culminated with the release of a seminal paper.  The work titled ‘You too could be suffering RCIS and U2 almost certainly are’ was published to much world wide academic fanfare. The central finding was that 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of people have at some stage of their lives suffered the condition. Infact the only person who has never ever been afflicted with RCIS is Mother Teresa.

The good news is that whilst most people come down with recurring bouts of RCIS, they are able to extract their cranium from the rectum and resume life as decent citizens. Sadly however it was found that approximately 10% of the population have their heads wedged up their butts for most of their lifetimes and a further 5% face the darkness permanently.  For the majority of the population RCIS resolves spontaneously but for those more severely afflicted it can be extremely difficult to treat. Exercises designed to give the body greater strength and flexibility such as yoga, pilates and barre appear to exacerbate the condition. Nor has diet proved to be of any assistance. Super foods such as kale, quinoa and goji berries only worsen symptoms.

A diet rich in kale has been found to worse RCIS symptoms.

A diet rich in kale has been found to worse RCIS symptoms**

Whilst it is difficult to count the full  economic and social cost of RCIS, it certainly elevates stress levels in the community. There is no shortage of anecdotal evidence about the frustration that RCIS causes. For example my normally even tempered husband’s stress levels went through the roof when an RCIS sufferer parked across our driveway and stayed there all day.  He was forced to call the local council – an institution which itself is populated by RCIS sufferers.

The report brought to light the following facts:

  • RCIS has a remarkable propensity to strike individuals when they are behind the wheel of a car, waiting at the airport or using the self service checkouts at Colesworths.
  • RCIS almost certainly afflicts the person in front of you in the queue for the ATM.
  • There is a 95% chance that your ex partner had a severe case.
  • Many people believe their in-laws have it.
  • There’s a 75% chance that your current boss has it.
  • Everyone on the side of politics that you didn’t vote for is terribly afflicted by RCIS.
  • You’re beginning to think that the side of politics you did vote for has it too.
  • The cop who slapped you with that speeding fine had the worst case of RCIS you have ever experienced.
  • RCIS is over represented in certain professions eg: bankers, lawyers, real estate agents etc
  • Entire government departments are comprised of RCIS victims eg ATO, Centrelink.
  • Facebook has RCIS. We are not talking about Facebook users although RCIS victims are highly concentrated on social media. Facebook, the actual social media platform, has its metaphorical head permanently implanted between its metaphorical buttocks. Facebook is always changing its esoteric algorithms and is purposefully reducing your organic reach. It’s conspiring to make you “pay to publicize.”

RCIS suffers  can look like this.

Typical RCIS suffers

Typical RCIS sufferers***

or this

RCIS is over represented on talk back radio.

RCIS is over represented on talk back radio.

or this

Arguably Australia's worst case of RCIS.

Arguably Australia’s worst case of RCIS.

Early adoption of technology is a classic symptom of RCIS. Only two years ago those with the condition could be easily identified by the conspicuous wearing of Google Glass.

Google glass? Check. Waxed mustache? Check. A confirmed case of RCIS.

Google glass? Check. Waxed mustache? Check. A confirmed case of RCIS.

These days the  Apple Watch is a definite sign.

 

Beware the Apple Watch.

Beware the Apple Watch.

Is someone in your life afflicted with this insidious condition?

How has RCIS affected you?

Love

Mumabulous

 

* I dont know whether Diki-pedia actually exists. I am too scared to look.

**If there’s a photo of naked men reclining in kale on the interwebs I am the blogger who is going to find it.

*** Meanwhile I love the Bondi Hipsters. I am not sure what that says about me.

 

33 thoughts on “Rectal-Cranial Inversion Syndrome

  1. Great visuals! Never has kale looked so good 😉

  2. Brilliant satire. I’m never eating kale. You never know where it’s been. I must investigate the Bondi Hipsters. I thought they were underwear.

  3. Hilarious Mumabs, Sadly, I have been afflicted myself with RCIS a few times in my life and unfortunately know people who have suffered recurring bouts since childhood. It’s been hard to deal with at times and has really affected the family, especially with the chronic cases of our in-laws.

    And Pinkypoinker – Bondi Hipsters underwear, LOL. I just realised how close their name is to Bonds Hipsters – or is that where the duo took their name from?? I just thought they were Hipsters from Bondi. Now I think their name is even more clever.

  4. I also meant to add that I don’t think I know of anyone who has it as bad as Mark Latham. Poor darling, his case is severe.

  5. Google glass – I don’t know where to begin. I was in the best art gallery I’ve ever been to and there was a guy with google glass with his back to the art. ‘Nuff said.

  6. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can’t. Stop. Laughing! You crack me up Mumabs! Sadly I think I may be suffering from this affliction myself at the moment. Or it could be just PMS, which seems to be similar for me!

  7. Hilarious, apart from the Kale. Why does Kale get such a bad rap? I’ve been on such a restricted diet trying to work out what foods set me off that Kale actually is looking pretty good to me.

  8. What a waste of good kale. I do believe you are the only person who could have found this photo!
    Sadly I do know of a few cases of RCIS, laxatives of course don’t work, it just makes more crap come our their mouth when the head is dislodged.

  9. What a fabulous take on a very serious issue. RCIS is so very prevalent in our society nowadays – love your diagnostic criteria and your very appropriate examples!

  10. What a classic – and when I started reading this I thought – Ohh a serious blog here, but no – a great blog instead.

  11. “Everyone on the side of politics that you didn’t vote for is terribly afflicted by RCIS.” Lol. How terribly bipartisan of it. #TeamIBOT

  12. Seminal. *snigger*
    I must say I agree on all accounts except Mother Teresa. I did some reading on her a while back and I’m pretty sure she had bouts of it too.

  13. HAHAHAH thank you so much for the laugh, loved this x

  14. I met a sufferer today at the traffic lights. It’s amazing either of us survived to tell the tale.

  15. BAHAAAA!!! I so needed this post today. I love it! I love you for writing it. Now please excuse me while I share the crap out of it 😉

  16. Bah ha ha ha – forwarding this to hubby, he will get massive enjoyment out of this. I seem to come across a lot of people suffering from this. #IBOT

  17. Absolutely love it. Agree on Mark Latham and worst case of RCIS. And the high incidence rate amongst bosses. But I face being badly afflicted since I don’t want to give up my yoga.

  18. My husband has this when he is asked to get up with our son at night! haha!
    Love the new look on the blog, BTW!

  19. Absolutely bloody hilarious. Thank you I needed that.

  20. Lol…I needed that this morning staying home sick after being dead tired all week! This is great. I know a lot of people who suffer from RCIS perpetually. I wonder if it is a personality disorder. As for me, I suffer from it sometimes but fortunately, the cranium wins after a while! 😛

  21. Your headline got me in and I was thrilled with the rest of the post 🙂 Especially the reference to Mark Latham. I wouldn’t go Googling Dikipedia either. Oh and yay for the Bondi Hipsters!

  22. With all that talk of kale I was half expecting a photo of Pete Evans to magically appear. The University of Knob End sounds awesome – what courses do they offer?!

  23. Laughing laughing laughing. There is an awful lot of this going round isn’t there? Although I will admit to being severely disturbed last month after seeing Alan Jones on QANDA and finding myself agreeing with him on stuff!

  24. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Both my husband and I laughed incredibly hard at this post. We keep daring each other to look up Diki-pedia! Thanks for linking up at Mum-bo Monday, hope to see you again this week!

  25. I love the Bondi Hipsters too. And somebody should get you an honorary PHD at the University of Knob End for doing such a fantastic job of bringing more public awareness to this insidious condition.

  26. Pingback: Who comes up with these? | The Sound of One Hand Typing

  27. Ba ha ha! I haven’t seen that kale photo before 🙂

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